Personal Log, security locked
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Holy Fuck.
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Can't even begin to describe what the fuck just happened.
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Finally caught up with Mal.... I knew he'd been to the Armoury, and Zabel told him that I said he wasn't allowed in... which just had to piss him off even more, seeing as how he was still pissed that I hadn't told him what I'd done to the TacBoard, just kinda glazed over it.
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Don't think I've ever seen him that angry.
...it wasn't even really anger, it was more than that.
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Almost... like... rage.
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There's gotta be something more to this, more that I don't know. I knew he would be angry after seeing what I've been doing, and not knowing what I was doing, but that doesn't account for this, this isn't Mal. I mean, I know that I don't exactly know him anymore, but I know him enough to know that this isn't him.
I'd started to walk away from him at one point, feeling like shit that he didn't seem to realize that I would have told him had I been able to - a direct order which I disobeyed in telling him what I'd done, he still doesn't know any specifics, but he knows what I'm doing - when he yelled out 'FUCK YOU' for anyone in the vicinity to hear.
And I fucking lost it.
Dragged him down the hall into a access tube junction and basically tore him a new one yelling at him. And what did he do? Flicked off the light and got away before I'd turned it back on. Had to call the bridge and restrict him to quarters and put him under guard, which is going to endear me to him all the more, but right now, I don't give a shit.
I want him back.
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Let me clarify.
I want him back to himself.
Mal can't keep being like this. And I honestly don't know how to help him. I told the Cap'n I'd help Mal, but god help me, I can't. I can't do this, I don't know how. I look at him, and I see someone totally different, and I don't know that person.
I thought it was hard looking at Assmunch, seeing someone that in a way, some sick, twisted, perverse way, was me, and not knowing what the hell he was thinking. This is so much worse. This is Mal, the man I've known and worked with for years, the man I loved for much of that time, and it's not him anymore. I don't know what's going through his head, I don't know how he thinks anymore, and I don't think he knows me anymore.
That scares me. He's so far gone that he doesn't even recognize me anymore. I doubt he recognizes himself, he doesn't feel sorry for anything, he's apathetic, just angry all the time. I don't know how to deal with that, I want to, I want to help him.... just... can't seem to. I'm around him, I get angry at him. Angry that he can't see what he's doing to other people, to me, to... the Cap'n.... angry that he's just existing, not doing anything but be angry at everything and everyone. Angry that I can't seem to do a goddamn thing but be angry in return.
And those fuckers aren't helping. I mean, I had brief but nasty flashbacks, but Mal.... Mal didn't even seem to really care what was happening. I mean, if anything, it was strange that he wasn't really angry at them... more intrigued by them. I still don't know what Assmunch talked to him about, whatever it was that caused that odd look on his face as they were leaving. I don't know, does this all have something to do with that? Does Mal feel some sort of connection to the bastard?
I wish I knew.
*snorts softly* I wish I knew a lot of things.
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*runs hand through hair* I swear, the Cap'n better get outta sick bay soon, 'cause command is about to kill me.
--End Log--