On Knots and Unravelling - Part Four
For author's notes and thank yous, see chapter one
Chapter Four
January is an awful time for exams. All of the radiators have been turned off, and the mocks seem never-ending. Naomi finishes her English Lit paper half an hour early, and spends the remaining time drafting a letter of complaint for the Head, as her breath condenses around her.
She takes to wearing a duffle-coat in lesson by way of protest. When she combines it with a woolly hat Katie is almost forced to disown her.
A week in, once normal lessons have been resumed, Naomi realises that Sophia has returned to her usual seat in Politics, further away from Naomi. Instead Emily slides into the seat next to hers, raising her eyebrows once before turning her attention to the teacher.
Craning her neck around, Naomi finds Sophia carefully noting down the lesson title from the board, a slight blush on her cheeks, but nothing to indicate that anything unusual was happening. Confused, Naomi leans into Emily’s space, questions thronging, but she is quietly shushed away with a swift smile.
Naomi spends much of the lesson watching the end of Emily’s pen dance in the air as she takes notes, neglecting her own for once.
In the corridor after, Emily frowns at her until Sophia is significantly out of earshot. Then, finally, she gets to ask questions.
‘What did you do? Why has she...why do I not have an over-enthusiastic shadow anymore?’
Emily purses her lips, clearly suppressing an unbidden smile, Naomi thinks happily. ‘It’s not really any of your business, the details. But, I maybe pointed out the futility of pursuing hopeless cases. And, after a bit, she agreed.’
Naomi lets out a sigh of relief she didn’t even know she had in her, dragging up emotion from all corners. She leans against one of the sets of lockers, staring down the corridor Sophia had used, before smiling down fondly at Emily.
‘You’re amazing, you know? A proper life saver.’
Emily waggles her fingers around airily, as if to say it’s no big deal, she’s used to saving Naomi now, and then sets off towards the common room. Naomi stumbles slightly to keep up, and as she does so an unpleasant idea flares in her mind.
‘Though, you don’t actually think I’m hopeless, right? That was just something you said.’
Naomi almost wants to stop Emily, so she can look at her face when she answers, in case Emily says something beyond her words. She restrains herself though, has to make do with Emily’s slight shake of the head.
‘No, I don’t think you’re hopeless. You’re a bit of a prick sometimes, but I guess we all are. I’ve told you enough times what I think about you, Nae. And it’s not bad, before you ask.’
Naomi frowns, these cited heart to hearts momentarily slipping her mind. ‘When was that? I’d remember that, I think.’
Emily pauses to toss her empty water bottle in the bin, and then passes a hand through her hair, its colour seemingly an entirely different shade to Katie’s for the moment. The strangest feeling catches Naomi, as if something has changed gear inside her, and she’s so busy trying to identify what just happened she almost misses Emily’s quiet reply.
‘I guess, I only really tell you when we’re drunk.’
It’s funny, how empty the corridor seems. A strip light hums gently above them. Naomi looks away, all desire to watch Emily’s expression as she talks gone.
‘Why? Why just when I’m drunk?’
Emily’s hand opens and closes once in the corner of her vision, and then she sighs. ‘I guess, you’re a bit softer, then. And I’m a bit more honest.’
Awkwardness crashes into Naomi as if a tidal wave. She thinks about making a joke, but Emily’s looking at her quite seriously now, and the entire situation feels too important, somehow.
Finally, finally, Katie rounds the corner.
‘Christ, there you are. Come on then, else we’ll never get to the shops and back in break.’
Katie walks up to them, and it’s her suspicious glance at Emily that wakes Naomi up to the utter weirdness of whatever the hell this is. With a significant effort, she pulls herself together.
‘Cool. I was just...grabbing some notes from Emily. So, right. Let’s go.’
Emily arches her eyebrows slightly, but thankfully, wonderfully, says nothing to contradict it. She smiles wanly and waves them off.
‘Bye guys.’
Katie nods at her briefly, and then suddenly clicks her fingers. ‘Oh! Ems. JJ was looking for you.’
Naomi doesn’t know if Emily replies, as she is scrambling for the exit, trying to keep her walking pace regular. Katie’s with her in a moment, and reaching for her phone from the depths of her handbag. She laughs suddenly, sounding pleased.
‘He wasn’t. I just thought I’d give them a bit of a prod along. Right, we have to go via the cash point so I can get some money, and then I’ve seen a shop that sells the kind of weird jewellery you like, so...’
Naomi tunes out. She focuses instead on the passing seconds that’ll turn to minutes, and then hours, and then this moment will legitimately be in the past, and she’ll be able to forget about it.
--
It takes another week for Katie to remember about Sophia. It’s when JJ has a sneezing fit after Cook pulls him over by his t-shirt hem and waggles both of JJ’s ears in an affectionate gesture. Katie nearly falls off Cook’s lap at the hilarity of the situation, Cook chuckling with her as JJ recovers his composure. Then, suddenly, she whips around and prods Naomi’s ankle.
‘Hey. What happened to Lemsip girl, after all that?’
Naomi highlights a section of her notes, and waves a hand in the air, attempting a casual attitude. ‘Oh? Just got bored I guess.’ She doesn’t meet Katie’s eye, and can tell Katie’s frowning at her when she replies.
‘There you go then. Told you that you were just being paranoid.’
Naomi hums in agreement, but still doesn’t look over from her position, slouched in the depths of the sofas. After a moment Katie gets the hint and turns away, and Naomi knows she’s probably offended her, but she really doesn’t want to talk about Sophia right now.
She knows exactly what has happened to Sophia.
Sophia now hangs around with Effy’s group.
Not completely, not enough for anyone to spot the change unless they were specifically watching. But Naomi is specifically watching, for no logical reason. And sees how Emily tears her a sheet of paper from her own pad if Sophia has forgotten hers. And Panda waving Sophia over in the canteen to share lunch. And JJ stopping to talk to her next to the lockers. And Effy raising an eyebrow in acknowledgement when she passes Sophia in the corridor.
Lucky Sophia, she thinks sourly, crossing out a line of her notes with sudden force.
--
She’s not avoiding Emily. It’s just...complicated. Right now. And coursework deadlines are looming, so there’s no time for chat, especially after lessons. For a couple of lessons Naomi gets the impression that Emily’s lingering after Politics, but soon Sophia is scooping Emily up with polite conversation, and that’s fine with Naomi.
It’s all fine.
--
It’s March, when Emily abruptly calls her out on her avoidance tactics.
Naomi tries not to panic, when she closes her locker door and Emily is standing there. ‘Hi’ she says flatly, before picking Naomi’s bag up off the floor, holding it so Naomi would actually have to full on run away to get out this situation.
‘Listen. If me saying I thought you were all right made you re-double your twat efforts, well done you.’
Naomi frowns and looks away, irrationally cross again. Emily continues.
‘But, and listen carefully, you’re coming to a party. You and Katie. Panda’s having a birthday sleepover, and because she’s lovely, she’s agreed to invite you. Cos I asked her to. I’m sick of Katie’s attitude towards Effy, who’s done nothing to you both, by the way. And whatever little mental breakdown you’re having at the moment, you’re going to get over, because I’ve certainly done nothing to you, Naomi.’
Naomi can feel her cheeks burning now, and she reaches out sullenly for her bag.
‘Finished?’
Emily frowns all over again, and thrusts the bag into her hands.
‘No. When we’re at the party, you are going to stop being rude to me, and Katie is going to stop being rude to Effy. And we’ll be one big happy family. Right? So for fuck’s sake, be polite when Panda invites you.’
She leaves Naomi standing there at that, silence ringing in her ears. Naomi looks down at her bag, steadies herself for a moment.
This is fine. It will be fine. Maybe it’ll be better. Naomi’s not certain what size and shape better may turn out to be, but moving on from the current situation certainly feels attractive.
Swiftly, she hauls her bag up on to her shoulder, and sets off to brief Katie before Panda finds her.
--
A week later, Naomi remembers why, if she had been thinking straight, she would have realised this party was a bad idea.
When Panda opens the door to them, Sophia’s standing next to her.
Oh sweet Jesus. Sophia’s grin dies instantly when she sees Naomi on the door step, and she blushes rapidly before mumbling an excuse and disappearing further into the house.
Naomi meets Katie’s eye with horror painted clear on her face, but Katie smirks mischievously at her before crossing the threshold, tugging Naomi in after her. As Pandora swoops at their feet, Naomi hisses at Katie, ‘We have to leave!’
Katie rolls her eyes, and makes a precise mime that points out Naomi was the one who insisted they come in the first place. Now they’re de-shoed, Panda rises at them like a tornado.
‘S’right good you two have come, now we don’t have to be all Bugsy Malone at each other across the canteen! And thank chuff for that, all the blinking ducking and weaving was bringing on my motion sickness.’
Just once, Naomi would like to try whatever Pandora is on. Katie just grins and asks Pandora about Sophia.
‘Oh! Her.’ Pandora leans a bit closer, suddenly whispering ‘If you ask me, she’s a bit of a banana flavour Quaver. Nice enough though. Ems said we have to be nice to her, make her less quiet or sommat. And I said, that’s a bit of a flipping uphill, no? What with all the drooping she does. But Effy told me to shut up, and she’s right you know, she does talk, Sophia, I mean, but I reckon with a bit of Twister she’ll be a right zipper. So she’s here. Therapy. But not, I mean, it’s still a bop. You like jelly then? Mum’s made a heap!’
Nope. She’s got no idea. Katie hasn’t either, by the look of her. Naomi’s still ready to bail, but now they’re being accosted by someone who introduces herself as Pandora’s mum, and there’s clearly no escape.
--
They make brownies together. It’s horrific.
Naomi gets out as soon as possible, claiming a sudden overwhelming need to ring her mum. Pandora’s mum nods approvingly as she leaves, before leading the others in round two of ‘Baking to Childhood Classics’, or whatever nightmare this is turning out to be.
Panda’s room is already set up with Twister. Naomi sits on the bed and presses the heel of her palm to her head, trying to remove the tension headache that seems to be building up out of nowhere.
Twenty minutes pass slowly, until the door creaks open and Emily’s standing there, expression tinged with concern. Naomi smiles wanly and turns away, watching the bouncy castle bob as it swells in the early spring sunshine. When Emily sits on the bed next to her, Naomi closes her eyes.
‘What’s the matter with you, then? Not feeling like singing?’
Emily’s still a bit frosty with her, but over the week Naomi’s done some careful reviewing of her actions and has come to the conclusion she probably deserves it. She inspects a finger nail as she answers.
‘It’s just a bit weird, that’s all.’
Emily sighs and Naomi shuffles back on the bed, so she’s leaning on the wall with her neck cricked at an awkward angle. Emily has to twist round to look at her now, but does so anyway, until Naomi speaks again.
‘I didn’t expect Sophia to be here.’ Naomi can’t quite meet Emily’s eyes at the moment, so settles for a spot on the wallpaper instead. ‘Sorry’ she adds, for good measure.
Emily looks away from her, pursing her lips when she spots the bouncy castle.
‘She’s not scary, Nae. In fact, I think she’s pretty much over you. She just needs a few people to hang around with.’
God, Emily is so lovely sometimes, it almost kills her. Naomi thinks about sitting up, but hasn’t quite got the courage, for some reason. Instead she stays silent, watching Emily’s face in the sun. How long they sit like that she isn’t sure, but eventually the smell of baking creeps into the room. Emily flexes her fingers, and pats Naomi abruptly on the knee.
‘I mean, I can understand why you’d be scared. She was quite...intense, you know, after the pub. But then I think Effy had a word with her about getting a bit of a grip, and here we are.’
Wait, what? Naomi props herself up. ‘You told Effy?’
Emily frowns and looks at Naomi, confused. ‘No, I think Sophia did. Besides, it doesn’t matter now, does it?’
It does, actually. Naomi’s mind is clouding with reasons why it does matter that a girl fancied her and seems to be spreading it around school, but none of them are very definite yet, so she plucks the nearest line of fire out of the air.
‘Well, yes, but you still shouldn’t have invited her. It’s all right for you, you don’t know how fucking weird it is to have a girl follow you around.’
Emily’s face seems to close off a touch at her words, until there’s all this distance between them that wasn’t there a moment ago, that Naomi’s created, somehow.
‘Fine. Well, I’ll be downstairs. And I’ll put a sodding leash on Sophia, shall I? So she doesn’t maul you by accident.’
Emily’s up, brushing her skirt down flat behind her, but before Naomi can reach out and catch her, do something that’ll break this endless fucking cycle they seem to be caught in, the door bursts open and Pandora’s mum is announcing the arrival of brownies.
--
Two brownies in, Katie confides that she’s spiked them with some MDMA that Cook had ‘donated to the cause.’
And this explains many things, Naomi supposes. The fact that Pandora’s mum is dancing like a lava lamp, for example. And the way Katie seems to have gotten over whatever her issue was with Effy, and they’re now giggling together like a pair of twelve year olds.
Emily’s dancing with Pandora’s mum, and then her sister and Effy, and then Sophia, and then Pandora’s crying, and then Naomi has another brownie.
She quite wants Emily to dance with her, because Emily looks happy and it is nice being around Emily when she’s happy. Naomi makes a mental note that from now on she is only going to do things that make Emily happy, rather than piss her off.
After another brownie, and making sure Pandora’s mum has collapsed in a medically acceptable manner (and who knew that she had such medical expertise?), Naomi decides she’d like to go have a little rest, and maybe try and eat some of that jelly with a straw.
--
It’s easy to become confused about certain things, Naomi decides, having found a fork (the straw had turned out to be a poor choice for jelly). Emily’s clearly just very nice, and because Naomi isn’t very nice sometimes it means they hate each other. This is a poor state of affairs, but one that is easily fixable by Naomi becoming nice. Or, possibly, becoming permanently drunk when Emily’s around.
Like, now, for example, Naomi thinks whilst taking a swig of cider that she’d discovered in a bush, at the moment she could probably have a perfectly acceptable conversation with Emily and at no point say something to make Emily sad.
In fact, she is suddenly gripped with such an urgency to find Emily that she almost falls over the sofa.
Luckily, her Emily radar remains in full working order, because Emily walks into her as she turns the corner.
‘Emily!’ So many words. Naomi steadies herself on a plant pot, before launching herself into the blue. ‘You should know, that you’re really nice, and even though I’m not you should probably still like me.’
Christ. That wasn’t what she meant. Naomi musters herself for another go, but Emily just laughs softly up at her and puts a palm on Naomi’s cheek. It’s warm, and Naomi closes her eyes at the touch.
‘You’re such a tit, you know that?’
It sounds like an insult, but it doesn’t feel like one, and when Naomi looks at the expression on Emily’s face it is too many things for Naomi to translate, but she doesn’t think she has to because each is making her feel the same thing. That Emily is never close enough to her, and that there’s never enough time to get all her words out in the correct order. This time though, Emily looks like she’ll wait, and Naomi wants...too many things right now.
Her skin must be so soft.
And it’s probably just the drugs, but it’d be nice, really, to find out. Just to try.
There’s a moment, and there’s a choice, somewhere here, and Naomi leans forward slightly, and glances at Emily’s lips, and then...
And then Sophia comes bouncing down the stairs.
Like a silent fucking homing pigeon.
Emily takes a step back, and blinks like she’s just been caught dreaming. Sophia grins once, and takes Emily’s hand, is jabbering excitedly about the bouncy castle or something. Emily looks at Naomi, but doesn’t stay, just lets herself be led away into the garden.
For fuck’s sake. If this isn’t another clear example of out and out, global conspiracy levels of, of, anti-Naomi sentiment, well she doesn’t know how else to prove it. She paces, like people should do in a crisis.
Fuck’s sake. Maybe Katie would help, although there’s an issue there, something big and awkward that she doesn’t really want to think about yet.
It takes Naomi a minute or two to figure out that she could just follow them, and so she does, moving through to the next room on determined, if slightly unsteady legs.
They’re bouncing. That’s what she can see from the kitchen window. Emily and Sophia bouncing. It’s what bouncy castles are for, she supposes. They look happy, though, and the smile on Sophia’s face makes her pause, makes her try to double check whether she’s acting like a twat. So she stops, and just watches them bounce.
In another part of the universe, Katie walks in, is asking something about whether Naomi’s seen a screwdriver because Panda’s locked in the toilet. But Naomi has no time for this. Sophia bounces into Emily, and they both fall, and something happens that Naomi can’t quite follow, but Sophia crawls over to Emily, and there’s a moment where Naomi becomes almost entirely hollowed out, and then Sophia kisses Emily.
And Emily...lets it happen.
Naomi’s forgotten how to move. She just stands there, until Katie’s at her elbow, breathing out softly. ‘Fuck.’
Years pass. Katie adds, ‘Well, fuck.’
Another eon. Katie finally adds, ‘So much for JJ then.’
Naomi decides, once again, that parties aren’t for her and she’d quite like to go home now. Katie’s asking her a question, in the distance, but any words would probably make this entire nightmare a reality, and besides, she can’t hear anything now, except for the blood pounding in her ears.
She finds her coat. She finds her shoes.
She’s gone.
--
Chapter Five