On Knots and Unravelling - Chapter Nine
For author's notes and thanks see chapter one.
(Whoops. A few days turned into a week. My bad.)
Chapter Nine.
It’s less of a dream, more of a list of things her mind decides it would be good to dwell on.
They’d caught a train from the wrong platform once, and ended up in Cheltenham, not Newquay. They’d not spoken for the first three stops back, and then Katie had smacked her really hard on the arm and they’d ended up laughing instead.
Or another time, when they’d both been unfairly put into Spanish detention in year nine, and Naomi had decided to speak only in shaky French for the rest of their Spanish lessons that term, till she earned an apology from the teacher for both of them.
Or, when Naomi had fell off her bike and broke her ankle, and Katie had carried her bag around school for the two weeks it took her to get off the crutches, despite it looking like a ‘jetpack for dorks’.
When Naomi wakes, she’s already staring at the spot on the wall where the photo is, pinned up on the notice board next to exam timetables and some fliers she’d liked the font of. Although, the light is catching the photo funny, and the reflection obscures it, so she doesn’t really need to see it yet, not yet. So she rolls, moves closer into the warmth in the centre of her bed.
Emily’s hair matches her curtains, and it’s enough to make Naomi’s finger’s flex, wanting to touch it (her) all over again. She doesn’t though, concentrates on just watching, making sure she remembers everything.
She must have disturbed her when she rolled over, because Emily’s shifting, and stretches an arm out towards Naomi, underneath the covers. When it hits Naomi’s side Emily eyes blink open briefly with surprise, before smiling a half second later.
She’s never watched someone wake up before, she realises. Emily shifts onto her side and presses her cheek deeper into the pillow, chasing a thought.
When her eyes do open again, there’s a flash of uncertainty there that Naomi recognises, knows because she’s been pondering the same thing, weighing up whether they need to start panicking yet.
Apparently not. Emily stretches, and then rolls onto her front, so she’s propped up on her elbows, looking down at Naomi. Naomi smiles at the sight of her mouth, which looks pinker than usual. She reaches up to touch her own absentmindedly, and discovers it is sore too.
There’s a moment of tension, and then Emily speaks first, because she always does.
‘Hey.’
Naomi replies in kind, suddenly conscious that she’s only wearing pants, and from what she can piece together from last night, Emily’s not got more than that either.
(She keeps expecting the weirdness to come hit her in the gut, because this is a girl in her bed, a girl who’s collar bone she pressed lips to last night, a girl who held her still and asked for more and arched up onto her fingertips, whilst her room grew dark and warm.)
It doesn’t arrive. Instead she just has an overwhelming urge to barricade the door and keep everyone out.
Emily squints, and then blows some hair out of her eyes, and Naomi gives up, there’s no point rationalising if Emily’s going to keep doing things like that, she’s not got a chance.
Instead she says, ‘Last day before holidays.’
Emily’s mouth quirks, and she presses a finger to the corner of Naomi’s mouth.
‘We could skive, maybe? Be ill?’
Oh god, they could. Claim a revision session to her mum, and stay here under the duvets. The concept feels so perfect it sticks in her mind for a good five seconds, before Naomi remembers why she can’t.
‘Umm. Got to get English notes for Katie. Otherwise she’ll start wondering...’
She doesn’t have to finish that sentence, the key word is out there anyway. Emily dips her head once, and strokes her finger across Naomi’s bottom lip, before shrugging.
‘Okay.’ And just like that, she’s rolled away from her, and Naomi is confronted with a bare back perched on the edge of her bed and the taste of acid at the back of her throat.
And so it begins.
--
They don’t speak much, on the way in. Emily’s munching thoughtfully on a piece of toast, and Naomi cycles slowly alongside her, occasionally wobbling from the lack of pace. The sunshine feels entirely different today, and Naomi can’t help feeling that she’s wriggled her way out of one problem into a bigger, infinitely more complex one.
Before they round the last corner to college, Emily reaches out a hand, pulls Naomi to a stop. She goes up on tiptoes and presses a kiss into the corner of Naomi’s mouth. It stings slightly, from last night.
‘We’ll leave it then, shall we? Too difficult.’
Naomi looks away, because she’s not feeling like being sensible, but nods her head anyway. Emily steps back, and when she speaks her voice is surprisingly croaky.
‘Come on, then.’
--
They don’t sit next to each other in the common room, but still end up probably too close, both occupying the same sofa, Emily at one end and Naomi clinging to the edge at the other. It’s a completely unsatisfactory outcome, and Naomi briefly curses English, and Katie’s inability to catch up on notes by herself, before busying herself with her planner.
Effy sits neatly between them, and crosses her legs.
Naomi can feel her staring, and glares furiously at the timetable for the day, ears burning. Out of the corner of her eye she can see Effy turn to look at Emily, before returning her gaze to Naomi.
Out of nowhere, she sighs.
‘Oh. How tragically noble of you both.’
The font is starting to blur, but Naomi will be damned if she’s going to let Effy know she’s listening, that anything she’s saying could be relevant to her.
Effy tuts, and shuffles slightly, apparently addressing thin air.
‘I read a play about this, I think. About awkward situations, and feelings that eat into you, and love that you can’t have.’
Naomi feels the sofa shift as Emily stands up quickly, and directs a sharp fuck off in Effy’s direction, before stalking off. It’s startling, Naomi’s not sure if she’s ever heard Emily swear at anyone other than her and Katie before, but she can’t dwell on that, because now Effy is twisting on the couch, and is sitting cross-legged, staring at her from a foot’s distance.
Timetable, dammit. Timetable or bust.
Eventually Effy speaks again, in a low murmur.
‘Was it everything you’d dreamt of, Naomi? Did it fill you up with a feeling so tight you thought you might die? Did you lose your mind so completely you forgot all other words except her name?’
Naomi slams the planner shut at that, and glares at her. ‘You are incredibly fucking annoying, ok? Happy?’
Her voice cracks slightly on the last word, and she has to bite her lip to stop anything else happening. The bell rings, but Effy saying nothing, for ages, until she abruptly shushes her like the intervening pause hadn’t happened, and smiles vaguely.
‘Sorry. Just checking. Go be brave then. Go be noble.’
Naomi stands. ‘I’m late for class.’
Effy rolls her eyes. ‘Good luck.’
--
She tries really hard. In English she makes the most thorough notes the world has seen, and goddammit Katie had better appreciate them.
In Politics there are spare chairs, she doesn’t have to sit next to Emily, she can spare herself that one. But then again, Sophia hasn’t got there yet, and Naomi doesn’t really want to spend a lesson staring at the backs of their heads, as Sophia passes Emily notes.
Jealous, she thinks, and frowns momentarily, dragging the chair out next to Emily and slumping into it with more force than necessary.
The teacher drones, and Naomi’s mind betrays her entirely, because two minutes in Emily clears her throat and shifts slightly, and it is enough to send Naomi off daydreaming in the most spectacularly filthy manner.
The way Emily had grinned before wiggling down to hover her lips just above the pulse point in Naomi’s neck, two kisses and a bite. Or, the way she’d pulled the duvet up to trap both of them underneath, and then strained upwards so Naomi’s open mouth could find her breast. Or, the way Emily had gasped right up against Naomi’s ear, when she’d finally gathered the nerve to work her hand into Emily knickers.
Jesus. Naomi gets to her feet abruptly, claiming illness, and heads to the toilets at the other end of college.
--
She splashes cold water over her face several times, and refuses to go into one of the cubicles, because she has to learn to deal with this somehow, and wanking off whenever she spends any time near Emily is not a viable course of action.
The corridors are quiet, as she heads for an exit, desperate for fresh air. Most people are in class, or have ducked the last day completely. Which is why she jumps, when she rounds the corner and almost bumps into Emily.
Great. Emily squints up at her. ‘Feeling better?’
Naomi shoves her hands into the pockets of her jacket, and frowns, tries not to think about anything inappropriate or look into Emily’s eyes, just in case she can read her mind.
‘Um. No. Not really.’
They lapse into silence, and after a moment Naomi realises that her eyes, in an effort to not meet Emily’s, have settled on her tits instead, because apparently she is now a pervert. Excellent.
When she does drag them back up, Emily’s eyes have gone very dark, and there’s a blush building on her cheeks, which doesn’t help matters. She’s still surprised though, when Emily groans slightly, looks around, distracted.
Gym store. Next to them. Naomi tries it, and the door opens. Emily’s stepped through before Naomi even has a chance to think about what they’re doing, and when they’re both inside Emily’s hands are already around her neck, and the combined weight of their bodies slams the door shut behind them.
It feels like years, since Naomi last had Emily’s tongue in her mouth. There’s no finesse here, in this dark little space. Naomi’s just levering a hand between Emily’s bra and skin and squeezing, whilst Emily’s pressing up against Naomi’s thigh, moaning loud against her ear.
Emily takes a step back, dragging Naomi with her, until she disentangles herself, and helps Emily chuck the crates of hockey sticks onto the floor, so the stack of gym mats is free and Naomi can be shoved down onto it.
They fuck like that, Emily’s face pressed into Naomi’s neck, whilst Naomi finds the right angle with her fingers and rocks them to the rhythm of Emily’s heartbeat, till Emily’s gasping and shuddering on top of her.
In-between, whilst Emily catches her breath, Naomi finds herself grinning and thinking, bugger. They’d been doing so well. They must have got to at least quarter to eleven. But then Emily shifts, and props herself up to kiss Naomi once, before pulling Naomi’s skirt up and working her pants down over her hips, before shifting lower again with a smile, and oh god, there’s no thinking here.
--
It’s an impossible afternoon. Naomi toys with the concept of bunking off, sneaking away with Emily and finding another space where they can be alone. But then she remembers it has to be a secret, and people can’t be allowed to put two and two together. Emily had kissed her again, before leaving the gym store, and murmured about going to find Effy, asking her to mention nothing. Naomi had an inkling that it wouldn’t be necessary, but had shrugged and kissed her back, before pressing the heel of her palm to her forehead, as the door clicked shut.
She hears nothing in Philosophy, nothing in General Studies, instead teeters between elation and despair in alternating two minute batches.
Katie’s waiting outside the college gates, and for someone who is technically about to cock things right up for Naomi she’s surprisingly pleased to see her, because nobody distracts her from important things like Katie.
She looks ridiculously happy, and smirks so wide on catching sight of Naomi her face looks like it might crack wide open.
Naomi grumbles when she gets down to her, rolling her eyes in anticipation.
‘Spare me, please Kay, I really don’t need a blow by blow account.’
Katie’s face’s wobbles slightly, but she recovers magnificently.
‘Terrible choice of words, Campbell. And hi, nice to see you too.’
Katie is positively beaming with delight, and Naomi can’t help but grin back, even as she pantomimes horror. Katie removes her sunglasses and takes Naomi’s books off her, leaving Naomi free to unchain her bike. Some small part of Naomi is telling her that this should be weird, that something should be feeling uncomfortable, but nothing is. She’s clearly a better actor than she’d guessed.
Katie pipes up, ‘We going out tonight then? Ring in the holidays?’
It’s a bad idea, Naomi knows instinctively, but before she can think of an excuse, Emily’s turned up next to them.
Ah. Now things feel weird. Katie’s looking at her sister as if to say, ‘yes?’ And Naomi’s panicking that Emily’s momentarily lost her mind, and the whole mess is going to happen here, on the steps leading up to the college doors.
It doesn’t though, instead Emily’s just there to announce that she’s staying with Effy tonight, and Katie’s still staring at Emily like she is completely uncomprehending of who she is and why she’s talking to them. Katie waits, looking at Emily as if she’s about to start making sense, before shrugging and flapping a hand.
‘Whatever. I’m going to Naomi’s for a bit yeah? I’ll see you later.’
As Katie walks off, Emily glances at Naomi, and tries to tell Naomi approximately a million things with her eyes, of which Naomi understands approximately zero. She’s too busy trying to remember whether Katie was always that rude to her sister, or whether she is suddenly hyper-sensitive, to attempt a translation. So she pouts unhappily in place of an answer, and trudges after Katie, trying to subtly mime that she’ll call later.
Emily looks small as she leaves her, and this is all most unsatisfactory.
--
Katie shushes her as Naomi tries to tell her off without letting on that she’s pissed off, and changes the subject by asking after Gina. And that’s when Naomi realises Katie’s heading to her house, and there’s another obstacle coming up almost immediately. The anger switches seamlessly into anxiety.
--
It’s incredibly awkward.
Katie sighs after she’s made a cup of tea for both of them, and pulls out the chair opposite her.
‘Nae. You’re like, mute. Have you changed your mind about Cook again? Because I’ll just get him to persuade you back again.’
Katie smiles like she hopes it’s just a joke, and Naomi feels incredibly guilty all over again, because this certainly isn’t her fault. She tries to smile back, and claims a headache, hoping that’ll be enough to excuse her shortcomings.
As they fall back into silence, Naomi resumes her feverish scanning of the room, in case there is some incriminating evidence somewhere, like Emily’s bra in the corner, or something. Which is ridiculous, because Emily definitely left with it on, and besides, this is the fucking kitchen.
Katie laughed abruptly, and stands.
‘Right. Ok. Take a Nurofen then? Come on, we’ll go watch Eggheads and you can take it out on CJ.’
--
Gina finds them like that, sitting in an almost relentless silence with the telly flickering in the corner. Katie perks up almost immediately, and insists Gina sits, and asks her about her day.
They’ve always gotten on, and Naomi finds that she doesn’t mind it so much, that Katie loves Gina and vice versa. Usually, they’d sit there waffling on about Katie’s boyfriends and Gina’s man disasters whilst Naomi zoned out, nodding at the correct places and occasionally going to get the biscuit tin.
This time, it’s a whole lot closer to a nightmare, because Naomi can tell from the way that Gina sat down that she knows there’s something weird going on, and is rapidly gathering more clues just from the way Naomi’s fiddling awkwardly with the cushions rather than looking at anyone.
She doesn’t let on though, to Naomi’s silent gratitude, and instead dubs Cook as a ‘keeper, he sounds a complete delight’, and asks Katie what her plans are for the Easter, beyond indulging in ‘safe sexual practices, I hope.’
Katie laughs, and pats Naomi on the knee.
‘Getting this one out of her perpetual grump, will be a start. And maybe some revision.’
Gina laughs slightly too loud at this, and then glances at Naomi, and god, she bloody knows, of course she does. Naomi can’t do anything, just grimace and plea silently for restraint, which Gina grants, instead turning back to Katie, nodding carefully whist Katie rattles through her coursework deadlines.
--
Katie leaves after declining Gina’s offer of dinner, informing Naomi that maybe postponing the night out is for the best, seeing as ‘we got almost no sleep last night, and you are in mourning for something, or whatever.’
She hugs her though, as she leaves, which is rare.
‘Cheer up, yeah? And, you can, like, talk to me, you know. If something is bothering you.’
Naomi’s got nothing to say that’ll be in the least appropriate, just mumbles thanks and pats Katie on the top of the head. She waves her off, and Katie’s got a long way to walk in her heels, she realises. Katie probably came all this way because she was worried, not to be deliberately irritating. She vows all over again to remember how to be nice to Katie.
Gina stares at her for a long time after Naomi returns to the lounge. Eventually she says, ‘so...’
Naomi’s response is immediate.
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
Gina tuts her. ‘Nonsense, if that was the case you’d have disappeared into your room, as per usual.’
Well, that was probably true. Naomi shifts awkwardly on the cushions, and then stares at her mum, challenging her for disapproval.
Gina ends up smiling at her.
‘Bit of a pickle, darling. And you’re usually so careful to avoid them. So this must be pretty unavoidable.’
Naomi sighs, and rubs at her eyes, tired suddenly.
‘I don’t remember when I could have chosen differently. So, yeah, I guess. Unavoidable.’
Gina hums, and stands up to gather their discarded cups, as if sensing that Naomi’s fast reaching her limit for up-close and personal.
‘I’m sure you’ll work something out, you’re very clever dear.’
Naomi shrugs, and turns back to the tv. She finds herself considering that everything is supposed to be the one thing that people can’t have, and wonders if she’s set her sights too high.
It’s a repeat of Come Dine With Me. She watches, mind elsewhere.
--
Later, on her way up to her room, Gina calls up after her.
‘Remember Katie’s a good person, darling. You wouldn’t like her if she wasn’t.’
She has two missed calls from Emily on her phone. She texts back an excuse and an apology, and tries to sleep.
--
In the morning, alarmingly, Emily is at her breakfast table. With Gina. And Effy.
‘Oh, for fuckssake.’
Emily’s mouth twists unhappily, and Naomi can tell she’s not thrilled with the situation either. Naomi smiles sheepishly at her, before trying to re-arrange her t-shirt into something slightly more self-respectable, and glaring at her mum.
‘Is this you not interfering? Because it is a fucking shite attempt.’
Gina stands smoothly, before handing her a cup of tea.
‘This is me not turning people away from my door, lovely. Think of it as a facilitator role. And I’ll be in the garden, it’s a glorious day.’
Naomi’s at a bit of a loss as Gina leaves, and busies herself with the toaster so as not to feel too uncomfortable in her own kitchen. When she sits down with a round of toast, Effy stares at it so pointedly Naomi rolls her eyes and slides it over with a groan.
‘Thought you didn’t eat normal food?’
Effy shrugs, before mumbling ‘breakfast is different’ through a mouthful of toast. She takes another two bites, and then waves an elbow in their direction.
‘Come on then, lovers. Sort something out. A plan.’
The following glare Effy receives is from both of them, and Effy sighs before standing.
‘Fine. There’s gratitude. I’ll go check the bushes then, or whatever people do in gardens.’
The silence is comfier without the audience, and Naomi risks a grin.
‘Deteriorating into a bit of a farce, this.’
Emily looks like she’s biting the inside of her cheek to avoid smiling back, and looks away.
‘Sorry. Effy was rather persistent. She thought I should see you, after last night.’
Naomi doesn’t really understand, but feels a guilt gnawing away at her nevertheless. Emily elaborates after a short pause.
‘Cried, a bit. Last night.’
There’s a stretch of silence in which Naomi considers her actions of yesterday from an external view point. She’s not had much practice at it, but does conclude that they only add up to one outcome. She looks down at the table top.
‘Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t really... sorry.’
Emily’s lovely, she thinks, as Emily shrugs, and stretches a hand across the table towards her. She takes it, and holds on, in case Emily disappears.
‘I can hack it, Nae. I can deal with secrets, I think, for a bit. But I don’t know if you can. Or if you want to.’
She does want to. She probably can’t not. Besides, this is now an exercise in either just being unhappy when she’s around Katie, or being unhappy all the time. Things are suddenly surprisingly simple.
Emily squeezes her hand, and Naomi realises she probably just broadcast almost all of that on her face. So she just settles for a smile, and stands up, tugs Emily over to the kitchen window.
It is a lovely day. Gina appears to be forking through the garden patch, whilst no doubt rabbiting on about the benefits of aerated soil. Effy is stood next to her, smoking. On closer inspection Naomi catches sight of a trowel in her hand, held up by a very limp looking wrist.
Emily murmurs next to her. ‘God, she’s the most gloomy looking matchmaker I’ve ever seen.’ Naomi smiles again, and then kisses her, holding on to Emily tight.
She’s still pretty certain people aren’t supposed to have everything, but she’s damn well going to try.
...
Chapter Ten