Yakiri is forcing me to watch Bloodsport right now.
I haven't really felt like updating since my last post. I'm not even going to bother checking when it was, but I feel certain it was either in October or sometime at the beginning of November. I've actually sat down to post on LJ a couple of times, but every time I did I got overwhelmed by what I had to say. It's exhausting, so I just went back to Reddit.
Aviva and Zohar made my birthday very fun indeed. We hung out all day painting nails, eating pasta, watching Harry Potter and drinking wine and tequila-drinks. Sadly I was drinking the largest blue tequila drink I have ever seen in my life during Deathly Hallows Part One and fell asleep during most of it. Still, I had a lot of fun except for the crying in my morning shower. I don't know what it is about my birthday but I have cried on every birthday I have had for the last several years. I don't really know why. I'll just feel very emotional and then some little thing will set me off and there I'll be. Crying on my birthday. This year is was really ridiculous; I irritated Yakiri and then cried because I was angry with myself for upsetting him. This doesn't even make sense, but there it is. Somehow I find a reason to cry on my birthday.
Yakiri took me to the Columbus Zoo the weekend of my birthday. I was excited to go to the zoo for the first time in several years, but I was very disappointed. It just wasn't as delightful as the Oregon Zoo. Part of that is because it was November and most of the animals were missing. Part of it was because I just miss the Oregon Zoo. Still, I can't wait to see it in the Spring.
On to more serious topics.
We are only half way through December but I can already tell this is going to be an incredibly tough year for my seasonal depression. For the most part I can keep it in check just by being aware of what is making me feel the way I feel. I know I have severe depression during Winter months and because of this I can nearly cope with my emotions enough to deal with what is happening around me. PMS absolutely destroyed this ability, however. That was an absolutely intense week and a half. I think this means that I am basically going to be spending my Winter feeling more or less apathetic with nearly a month's worth of feeling truly, truly horrible. I have no idea if this knowledge is going to make this any easier or not, but there it is.
I feel insecure about everything, all the time. (Insecure enough that it has taken me nearly ten minutes to try coming up with specific examples of what sort of things I am insecure about.) I feel insecure about my weight because I was already quite chubby and, though I started losing weight when I got to Columbus, I have started gaining it back. Yakiri is so much fitter than I am and is used to girls much thinner than I am. How could he possibly be attracted to me? I am insecure about all the girls Yakiri is friends with, though I suppose it is really just one of them. They are still pretty good friends but they used to hook up and this is very difficult for me to get used to. (Which I suppose is linked with my first insecurity.) I am insecure about the fact that I still do not have a good job and need help paying my portion of rent. I am insecure about making friends and meeting new people.
The insecurities abound, really.
I finished my SAGE class tonight. I'm actually really glad I went. Parts of it really bothered me. For example, I really cannot accept public health officials telling people that Cannabis makes people more aggressive. Give me a break. Sure, when people who smoke regularly stop for one reason or another there is a period of time in which they are grumpier than they normally would be. This doesn't equate to being aggressive. Cannabis users do not become aggressive when they smoke, and they do not become aggressive when they don't get their fix. Period.
With that said, I am still glad I went. I learned that long-term smoking can lead to hair growth on your tongue. Couple of question marks there. I haven't looked into this any further, but they had a few interesting pictures of this to show and I am fully convinced that I do not want to smoke ever again. I haven't had a cigarette since a few weeks after Halloween. It's been tough. I especially wanted to smoke today, but fortunately didn't have any money to buy a pack.
I'm also glad I went because Mitzy, the counselor who runs the program, gave me some numbers to call as far as getting help with mental health go. I'm nervous to start dealing with my (extensive) emotional baggage, but I know I need it. Frankly, enough is enough. I hate living like this, being like this and I am ready to make some changes. Intense insecurities, paranoia, depression, sometimes hysteria. It's all just too much. Plus I think I probably have issues with codependency, or something very similar, and I know I certainly have the potential to develop issues with hoarding.
I don't want to be a crazy person. It's one thing to have mental illness, and another thing to let it consume you. I am lucky enough to be aware of the fact that I need to make changes; it's time to make those changes.
Positive things that I should discuss in my next post (which will hopefully happen in the next week):
-I want to start baking again full time, but instead of just churning out cupcakes I want to really learn how to bake.
-I keep telling myself I am going to totally cut grain from my diet and start exercising again, but I need to outline a plan and figure out a way to really motivate myself into sticking with it.
-It gets better.