this got big. whatev, i'm bored
Out of the few serious relationships I've had in the last several years, even fewer of them have been with men who I've allowed to become involved with my son...which I guess, if you look at it... kinda means they weren't so serious...anyway, only a couple of the people i've dated have been around ian for any amount of time...and i think the hardest thing about being a single mom is knowing how to deal with that. I'm very cautious about letting guys i date around my son, and i have every reason to be. not only for his immediate safety...since it's hard to really know people, but because most relationships don't work out. When Jeramie and I broke up, my son asked about him for a year. Cried because he didn't see him or "gram and gramps" or the rest of his family. My three year old was asking me why those people didn't love him anymore. And you just try explaining to a three year old about why it's too complicated to be involved with the family of your ex....it ain't getting through. And then Richard and I moved in together. While Jeramie was a great buddy, Richard was actually a parent figure. He fed Ian, tucked him in, picked him up from his dad's. And when he left, Ian was even more confused. Unfortunately, I waited far too long to end that relationship, and my son saw and heard things he shouldn't have. And kids always think the fault lies with them. that's not just junk from an after school special. My son was constantly asking me if I got pushed around and screamed at because he played too many video games...What do you even say to that?? So we come to now, over a year later. Thank all the powers that be that Ian has a father who is such a strong presence in his life. It's not like he lost his male role model, cause he's got his dad. But we're pretty used to going it alone at our house now. He's used to the fact that when he's at mommy's, it's him and mommy versus the world. Any guy I've dated since Rich has been introduced as a friend and warned with threat of death not to touch me in front of ian. i was terrified of him getting attached again. He's a sweety, so he gets so easily attached. But now I'm with A. and we're talking about the future and houses and dogs and real life. and ian knows he's my boyfriend, and ian hugs him and tells me he misses him when he's not around. and smiles a really special smile when he talks about the time A. read to him and made him read "really tough ones" but "wasn't a word bully like mom". And I'm terrified. Because I try to be careful. A. doesn't spend the night with ian there. He usually comes over on days ian is with his dad. But my son is ridiculously intuitive. He's already bluntly asked me about marriage and baby brothers and the term step dad. He says he thinks I love A. more than anyone in the world except him(and maybe our pets). My little boy is the curious and all knowing papparazo with a flash bulb in my eyes and i'm flustered with no response. And as much as I'd like to go in with confidence and tell my son that yes, I love A. more than I ever thought I could, and it's ok to love him that much...I can't. Until things are more stable, I have to cover my face and duck behind all his knowing little questions. But it makes it real hard, because how can i build a relationship with this man when he's not getting to know my son? How can he possibly be in love with me when he's never seen this little extension of me roll around on his skateboard pretending he's a pro-skater or dance with his eyes closed or fall asleep and look exactly like he did 6 years ago asleep in his bassinet with his fists clutched next to his face? My son is so big a part of me that I feel like nobody can even truly know me, let alone love me and want to spend their future with me, without knowing and loving my amazing little boy. it drives me crazy.