Easter: time to ressurect some old wounds
Last night was a bit of an odd one for me. You know how you try and try to be okay with something and then fail? Well, I'm trying to be okay with something, but failing- and since this is Livejournal, I'll tell you about them!
Nah, its not that interesting, just standard mid-life-crisis stuff. I have no goal, no aim, nothing to drive me at all at the moment. And I am Alone, which is the ultimate curse for me - the word I wail in the darkness, walking in the rain at night, when I'm at my most miserable. I don't think I've earned it, all I've ever done is my best, followed my heart, tried to do honourable things and follow some kind of moral, ethical stance, but its the people who've been absolute bastards who seem to be forgiven and find amazing lives and happiness.
Yes, I should be past that by now, its been ages, but every day is worse than the last for me and yet no-one who put me here* is suffering for their deeds at all. They haven't had any kind of comuppance, and no matter how much they tell me they're sorry it doesn't counteract the fact that they've got what they want and I've got jack all - and I don't know why. I swear, if one of them would just sit down and tell me what happened, what they actually think of me for instance, I'd be much better off.
Am I too fat? Too ugly? Too loud, brash, too American? Too obsessive? That one seems likely I suppose. Am I just boring? Dumb? Boorish? Just let me know, the suspense is killing me! Believe me, I can take it. The truth is probably much less awful than the things I end up imagining. Hell, why do you think I hide in my house all the time these days? Also, I'm getting older every day, and I don't have much time to fix what's wrong with me - I need feedback, and fast.
Oh, and a crazy stalker followed me home last night. Thank you to the nice Taxi driver who spotted him and gave me a lift home so I'd be safe.
*this doesn't include Brian by the way, he's lovely. In case you were wondering.
Nah, its not that interesting, just standard mid-life-crisis stuff. I have no goal, no aim, nothing to drive me at all at the moment. And I am Alone, which is the ultimate curse for me - the word I wail in the darkness, walking in the rain at night, when I'm at my most miserable. I don't think I've earned it, all I've ever done is my best, followed my heart, tried to do honourable things and follow some kind of moral, ethical stance, but its the people who've been absolute bastards who seem to be forgiven and find amazing lives and happiness.
Yes, I should be past that by now, its been ages, but every day is worse than the last for me and yet no-one who put me here* is suffering for their deeds at all. They haven't had any kind of comuppance, and no matter how much they tell me they're sorry it doesn't counteract the fact that they've got what they want and I've got jack all - and I don't know why. I swear, if one of them would just sit down and tell me what happened, what they actually think of me for instance, I'd be much better off.
Am I too fat? Too ugly? Too loud, brash, too American? Too obsessive? That one seems likely I suppose. Am I just boring? Dumb? Boorish? Just let me know, the suspense is killing me! Believe me, I can take it. The truth is probably much less awful than the things I end up imagining. Hell, why do you think I hide in my house all the time these days? Also, I'm getting older every day, and I don't have much time to fix what's wrong with me - I need feedback, and fast.
Oh, and a crazy stalker followed me home last night. Thank you to the nice Taxi driver who spotted him and gave me a lift home so I'd be safe.
*this doesn't include Brian by the way, he's lovely. In case you were wondering.