Fic: "How to live and love as an amputee, by Brendan Costanza" (3/3)
Title: How to live and love as an amputee, by Brendan Costanza
Pairing: Gaeta/Hot Dog
Wordcount: ~ 13000 words
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: Teen. Lots of talking about sex but it's all theory. People die and / or hook up but it's all background noise.
Spoilers: up to 4.10, AU afterwards, no use of the webisodes or spoilers
Beta: Thanks very much to ebuchala and millari who made this a much better story than I could ever have written on my own and who cheerfully put up with my typos and errors. You still rock.
Summary: "Costanza insisted on thinking of Felix as a normal guy with a normal life, who should go through recovery step by step. Felix however couldn’t make out a life he could get back to at all, and if there was one anyhow, he wasn’t sure he wanted it back."
Two days after Kelly died, Admiral Adama called Felix into his office.
“I’ll make it short, Mr. Gaeta,” the admiral said in his no-nonsense voice. “There have been reports about a lack of protocol on the landing deck for months. It’s a problem. All of Helo’s attempts to do something about it have failed. This morning I walked into Hot Dog lecturing the CAP on procedure, and Chief Tyrol assures me that most problems are gone on that rotation. I hear that was your doing.” He stood up. Naturally, Felix was standing, too, as he preferred to do in Adama’s presence. Making an exit took him long enough as it was. He didn’t want to waste the admiral’s time.
“I have no time for your sensibilities anymore,” Adama said. “You are hereby promoted to the rank of captain. Congratulations.”
He was holding a rank pin, Felix noticed, fastening it on his uniform already. Felix resisted the urge to flinch away. “Sir, I don’t know what to...”
“You’re in charge of senior officers’ training as of now,” Adama continued. “I can’t have a lieutenant train my officers. I trust you to coordinate a schedule with the Chiefs of Deck and the CAG without impairing on the pilots’ flight time.”
No matter what, Felix had to concentrate on not raising his eyebrows.
Some things never changed.
Felix had never seen Brendan that angry before and he found he didn’t care much about the experience. He had a hard time staying on his crutches, shaking too hard, and when Brendan loomed over him, forcing him to step back, he was thankful to bump into something. Things had been a bit strained between them recently but that didn’t seem to be a priority now.
Brendan’s palm hit the wall beside his head.
“I don’t give a frak about how complicated it is!” he snapped. “Don’t tell me that was a first time! If they do that on a regular base, it has to stop and I don’t care what you think!”
“This is none of your business, Brendan...”
“Don’t even try!” Brendan looked furious, even more furious than when he’d walked into them in the hallway before, chasing Baltar’s acolytes away like chicken. “Alright. Here are your choices. Either we go get a marine to guard you so they’ll leave you alone, or you give me a name now so I can make this stop once and for all!”
Breathing a laugh that didn’t quite come out right, Felix tried to calm him down. “Brendan, I’m dealing with it.”
“Are you?! Because it sure doesn’t look like it! You’re really gray and you’re five seconds from frakking fainting! I don’t even want to know what they said to you! Does this have to do with that Connor guy? That why you won’t go to the bar?”
“Connor and I are getting along fine.” It was true. They were. Connor had said he was sorry, buying him drinks. More than a year ago. It was more than most had done.
“Who is it then? People harassing you still for that frak-up on New Caprica? Starbuck say something to people?”
“No.” He doubted Starbuck would ever care that much. “They’re just civilians, Brendan, they...”
“This got anything to do with Gaius Baltar and his sect then?”
Felix looked away.
“I knew it.” The look Brendan shot him was murderous. “I’ll kill that bastard I swear.”
“Look,” Felix hurried to say. Unable to make himself look Brendan in the eyes, he tried to be reasonable. “I don’t think he’s sending them out. He probably doesn’t even know.” Because Baltar didn’t care that much either, didn’t care at all if he frakked up Felix’ life some more. “It’s not that he can do anything about...”
“Like hell he can’t,” Brendan growled, pushing himself off the wall. He gave Felix one last angry look. Then he was gone as fast as he’d shown up.
Felix leaned back against the wall, heart pounding too fast. An exhilarated feeling coursing all through his chest, he looked after Brendan, the space that had been occupied by him feeling painfully empty.
Brendan was released from the brig two days later. Felix hadn’t been able to visit, he hadn’t had a long enough break but he’d felt that might not actually have been a bad thing. When Brendan slipped into his quarters, quietly closing the hatch behind himself, Felix was still so filled with bewilderment, it took him a whole minute to come up with anything to say.
“I can’t believe you did that,” he tried in the end but it really, really didn’t convey the amount of disbelief he was feeling. Why was it that his life consisted solely of things he would never have seen coming?
Positioning himself at the other side of the room, Brendan just shrugged, flinching a second later, and Felix noticed scratches running down his neck. Scratches looking like they’d been made by fingernails. He couldn’t wait to hear that story. Besides, Brendan looked like he were on trial. It wasn’t an entirely inappropriate comparison.
Felix opened and closed his mouth. “I can’t believe you punched Gaius in the face in the middle of a godsdamned service. It was on the wireless, for frak’s sake.”
A moment passed and Brendan grinned, pulling himself up a bit straighter. “Did he lose teeth, do you kn...”
“Two,” Felix said.
The grin grew until it split Brendan’s face, looking enormously and adoringly dorky on him. “Good,” he said. “Then it was worth it.”
Felix shot him another exasperated look but Brendan just snickered, and Felix felt something come loose, somewhere so deep within himself that he hadn’t even known it was there.
Kelly had made major shortly before he died. It had been one of the few services Felix had attended. However, he did refuse to join the memorial service for Tigh when the XO was captured and killed on a refueling mission gone wrong. Felix stood watch in the CIC instead, eventually being relieved by Helo who showed up pointing at his own new rank pin and rolling his eyes.
Felix headed down to the mess to catch some food, contemplating on his long way whether it would be worth it to reevaluate some things. But, no. It was bad for Galactica that Tigh was dead but he’d kept hating the man’s guts right up until the end, and he would remember him like the incompetent drunk he had been, no matter what.
When he was halfway through his meal, Sam Anders sat down at his table.
“Listen, Gaeta,” the lieutenant said, uneasy. “I’d understand if you’d say no. But how about we go to Joe’s and I’ll buy you a drink?”
For a moment, Felix just looked at him warily. He noticed that when Anders had shown up, his first thought had been something despicable about the man’s wife, nothing to do with Demetrius at all. He wondered why he hadn’t scheduled him for officers training yet, too.
“Alright,” he said. “Let me finish this up.”
His expression transforming into one of relief, Anders nodded, watching him eat without another word.
Maybe there were some other things Felix could rethink.
There was a rumor around that Sharon was having another baby but she kept flying, so it must be a hoax. There was a rumor about the married women being pregnant every three months or so anyway, so it wasn’t that exciting in the first place. Switch, one of the new viper pilots however turned out to be pregnant without a father in sight, and that was pretty interesting for everybody.
Brendan kept Felix informed about all of it whenever he had time to visit him before or after duty. It was said that the Quorum representative from Tauron was planning to run for office against Zarek with Lee Adama as her Vice President, supposedly because they had an affair. It was said that over at the basestars, Tory Foster had hooked up with one of the Leobens or possibly with two. It was said that Dee had been spotted leaving the supply closet shortly after Laird. When Felix needled her about it on a break to make her spill, she just shrugged, smiling brilliantly like neither Apollo nor Billy Keikeya had ever made her smile.
Brendan rolled on the floor with laughter when Felix recounted that Alghee said Davis said Hoshi had been seen stumbling towards the quarters of one Cylon Chief Tyrol, most definitely drunk. The outcome of that one was still unknown, Hoshi being unusually tight-lipped about it. Or possibly he just couldn’t remember.
It was hard to care about the few bits of gossip about Baltar and his cult reaching Galactica. They had moved to bigger locations on the Celestra some time ago, and rumor had it they were fighting it out with the resident Gemenese. However, Felix found he was entirely content to know the man was very far away, both out of his sight and out of his life.
One morning he entered CIC noticing that things had quieted down, as they sometimes did even in a time of war. Adama was nowhere in sight, taking a free shift again. Helo gave Felix a nod when he passed him on his way to tactical. Dee was busy calculating a practice jump route at the command table, signaling him she had a question as soon as he had time. Hoshi handed him the watch report, going back to introducing a bunch of new ensigns to communications.
The CAP was trading quips on the wireless, Narcho threatening to mutiny if Hot Dog and Twister kept singing.
It had been eleven months to the day that he’d lost his leg.
“Alright, this is ridiculous,” Brendan said, slumping down on Felix’ rack. Making himself comfortable, he had a look around that seemed to include all of Felix’ sparsely furnished quarters. “We have to change something about it.”
Felix stopped writing his report, looking around as well. “If you want more exciting interior design, maybe you shouldn’t be friends with a navigator on a battlestar.”
“Very funny,” Brendan said, rolling his eyes. “No,” he continued, clasping his hands together in his lap and growing serious. “I mean this. You. In here. All frakking day long.”
“Except when I’m working, which is always?” Felix was having a feeling that he wouldn’t like this conversation.
“Come on, Felix. When was the last time you went to the bar?”
“When I had a drink with Lieutenant Anders,” Felix said without thinking.
Brendan gave him a look. “Anytime else in the last frakking year?”
Dropping his pen and leaning back in his chair, Felix prepared himself for the speech.
“You’re in here all day,” Brendan said. “I don’t like it. It’s not healthy. You work in the CIC and you eat in the mess, and the rest of the time you hide out. I know it’s not easy but you’ll never get used to people staring if you don’t get out of here. And people won’t stop staring if they don’t get used to seeing you around. People are asking for you all over the place and I haven’t got a clue what I should tell them, either. You didn’t even show up at Sharon and Helo’s annual.”
“I wasn’t invited.”
“I wasn’t either. Sharon asked me why I didn’t bring you. You’re still not dealing, Felix. This isn’t living, this is vegetating.”
“Where did you learn that word?”
Brendan just smirked, recognizing the tactic for what it was.
“Listen,” he said. “I know how hard it is, I really do. It’s awful, all the readjustments and getting used to the changes and whatnot. But you’re getting around just fine and you haven’t been in pain for months. Seriously, let’s do something about it. What’s wrong with playing Triad with some of the guys at least sometimes?”
Felix didn’t even blink. “The rec room is at the other end of the ship, Brendan.”
“So what? You’re in good shape. Good looking triceps, too.” He grinned at the unimpressed look Felix shot him for that one.
“Be that as it may,” Felix allowed, determined to drive his point home because even if he were longing to go to the rec room, which he wasn’t, it wasn’t that easy. “That’s still walking through the ship twice after a shift, not counting that I’d just have come down from the CIC. Rec room three decks down and CIC one deck up, that makes seven stairways and approximately a mile.”
“Fine excuse, isn’t it?”
“It’s a fact, Brendan. It can’t be done. And it’s not that important, either.”
Felix didn’t want to go to the rec room. A lot of things had gotten better, he’d admit that in a heartbeat. Some people had been permanently removed from his life, he’d reconciled with others. A lot of things had been a long time ago. New Caprica had been a long time ago. There were people he looked forward to seeing on duty and wouldn’t mind seeing more often. Still, some things hadn’t changed. He still despised Seelix and Starbuck with a passion, and he refused to spend his little time off in the same room with Starbuck celebrating herself. He’d gotten hurt enough, he’d taken enough, and he couldn’t get himself to turn his back on it all but he could draw a line.
When Brendan gave him a thoughtful look, Felix held it with quiet determination.
“Okay,” his friend said, standing up. “I see your point but I still think you’re wrong. I’m going to resolve this for you. You can’t hide out in here and waste your life like that forever.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Play cards,” Brendan said. “I’ll be here after next shift.”
Felix raised his eyebrows. “Again with the mile, Brendan. I could calculate the distance to a foot if you’d just hand me a deck plan.”
“Yeah, I got that,” Brendan said and left.
Nevertheless, Felix found himself waiting for Brendan after his next shift, finding that whatever he had planned, Felix trusted him that it wouldn’t be something he’d hate. Sitting on his rack while he waited, he noticed he’d been fingering the buttons of his uniform jacket, unsure if he should get rid of it or not. Looking down, he paused. It was silly. It wasn’t like he was going on a date.
He was reasonably sure of that.
When somebody knocked loudly, he knew it was Brendan, the hatch unlocking from the outside. Holding onto the pole of his rack, Felix started to get up, only to be interrupted by Brendan marching in and throwing a box of cigarettes over. He caught it by reflex.
“Evening, Felix,” Brendan said, holding the hatch open for Helo, who was carrying a chair in every hand, nodding at Felix, lollipop in mouth.
“What are you...” Felix started saying, then stopped and sank back down on his rack. Helo was trailed by Hoshi, a bottle of the knuckledraggers’ finest in hand. Dee was following suit, dragging in Laird with her who smiled Felix an excuse as if not sure whether he was wanted. The last to enter was Racetrack who was busy skimming through a deck of cards, not even bothering with a hello. She and Brendan had become pretty close friends. She and Felix had no opinion of each other whatsoever.
“It sure beats the rec room in terms of ambiance,” Hoshi remarked, having a curious look around.
Helo gave the room an appreciative glance, too. “I must say I don’t mind having a head that close by either.”
“Well, Sharon says she’ll let you play cards all the time if you check in on Hera next door between games,” Brendan said with a grin, leaning over and helping Felix to a chair at the table in one swift move. Then he handed him the crutches to place them nearby without even looking at what he was doing.
“Alright,” Dee said when everybody settled down. “Who’ll deal?”
Just a bit overwhelmed, Felix shook his head, throwing Brendan a glance. Brendan smiled.
Felix couldn’t help but smile back.
They might have taken him by surprise, but as the evening progressed Felix found he didn’t mind, listening to everybody teasing Hoshi about his exploit with the Chief, watching Dee distract Laird while she cleaned him out sneakily. Not even when Felix lost most games. He kept being distracted himself because he couldn’t seem to make himself let go whenever he touched Brendan’s hand.
It didn’t seem like Brendan minded, either.
By the time they cleared out, it was well after rack time. Helo shot him a smile before leaving, followed by Hoshi cracking jokes while dragging a very drunk Racetrack after him. Felix hadn’t even known these two knew each other. Or maybe they’d just bonded tonight.
Racetrack whooped as a goodbye, threatening they’d all be back.
Felix looked after them with bemusement. Then he snickered because Brendan had bumped into a chair on his way back from the head, swearing violently in rural Libran. He looked up when he heard Felix, starting to smile broadly.
“Quite a night, huh?” he said, sounding pleased with himself.
“I can’t believe Hoshi drank all that ambrosia.”
“Yeah, he’s becoming quite the party animal.”
“Maybe we should invite the Chief next time.”
Brendan’s face lit up at the suggestion of a repeat performance; then he snickered evilly. Felix watched him for a moment clearing the table, then sat down on the desk he’d been leaning on with a slight jump, letting his leg dangle. It wouldn’t do to try and help; Brendan would be finished before Felix could do anything relevant. Since it was late and he was tired, he couldn’t say he minded.
A minute of silence passed while Brendan disposed of the ashtray. Then he reappeared in the bathroom door, lounging against the frame.
“Well,” he said after a moment, tilting his head. “How’s it going with readjustment?”
It took Felix a moment until he made the connection, remembering a day almost a year ago when Brendan had asked him the same thing; when he’d found the painkillers in the head. There were none there this time, of course.
He’d already opened his mouth to say he was fine when it occurred to him that he’d said something like that back then, too, but it had been a lie.
“I hate the stairway in the CIC,” he said instead. It was the first thing that came to mind. “I stumble every time I have to be at tactical fast.”
Brendan’s face softened. A warm feeling tingled in Felix’ chest. “Maybe you could ask Adama to install a ramp or something.”
Felix blinked. “I really could,” he agreed, never having thought of that before. You didn’t just ask the Old Man to make design changes in his CIC. However, Felix supposed that Adama could as well deal with the consequences if he chose to have a one-legged navigator around.
Brendan was looking fidgety, as if unsure whether he should move. There was a moment of pause then, and Felix found himself looking away, overly aware that there was a routine, there was a way things usually went when they met, one that didn’t involve closing that distance between them. And even if he could move easily...
“Uhm,” Felix said, brushing imaginary dust off his pants. In the corner of his eye, he saw Brendan lifting his head to look at him hopefully. “About that sex list you gave me once. I’ve been thinking maybe it’s time to try some things out. I wouldn’t say I’m quite there yet on all accounts…” he continued, surprised about how flushed he suddenly felt. His hand moved to clutch the edge of the table. “But I guess I don’t have to try everything at once.” Which he was sure was something Brendan had said when he came out to him. Considering Felix had agonized over that conversation for days, he remembered it well. He might have agonized over it a bit more in the last couple of days.
“That’s great,” Brendan said and Felix looked up fast. Looking nervous and eager all at once, Brendan shot him a question. “What about kissing?”
“Definitely a possibility,” Felix blurted, although still flushed, and Brendan broke into motion, closing the space between them with a few large steps.
“About frakking time,” he said. Before Felix knew what was happening, hands were wrapping around his waist and Brendan’s lips touched his. Felix made a small sound, his hand in the back of Brendan’s neck, drawing him in.
There was no fuss about Brendan kissing: intense and focused and methodical, and a careless kind of sloppy with a lot of tongue. It was exactly like Brendan was supposed to be kissing, like his world had narrowed down on Felix alone. Felix concentrated on the feeling of arms wrapping around him, sliding his hand under Brendan’s tank top to feel skin and wiry muscle, almost like he’d imagined it to feel except more real.
It was easy to let the world spin around him. Soon, he was growing dizzy from a lack of air and not caring at all.
But Brendan cared it seemed, eventually breaking away to kiss Felix’ cheekbone, his brow, and Felix held on to him, resting his cheek on Brendan’s. He felt Brendan grin all over his face after a moment, stubbles scratching against his cheek.
“About frakking time?” he repeated, stifling a laugh.
“Sure was,” Brendan muttered unabashedly, kissing the crook of his neck, arms wrapping tighter around Felix, hands steady on his back. “How about I stay the night? That okay, too?” he added quietly.
Felix gave an agreeable sigh, nuzzling against Brendan. He wasn’t in a hurry to move, and it would by no means be acceptable if Brendan left any time soon. He knew they should probably go on taking things slow, as hard as that might prove to be at this point but he also knew for sure that it would all work out eventually. More so, Felix was madly glad about everything he could look forward to in that respect. And right now, he wanted to hold Brendan closer.
About frakking time, he thought with a smile.
If he concentrated, Felix could hear Brendan’s heartbeat, pounding against his own chest steadily but slightly too fast. Galactica’s engines were humming faintly all around them. There was a slight stutter in their pace right now, signaling that up in the CIC, they were heating up the FTL drive, preparing to jump them one step closer to home.
It was hard to remember why they should bother.
Feedback makes me very, very happy. :-)
Pairing: Gaeta/Hot Dog
Wordcount: ~ 13000 words
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: Teen. Lots of talking about sex but it's all theory. People die and / or hook up but it's all background noise.
Spoilers: up to 4.10, AU afterwards, no use of the webisodes or spoilers
Beta: Thanks very much to ebuchala and millari who made this a much better story than I could ever have written on my own and who cheerfully put up with my typos and errors. You still rock.
Summary: "Costanza insisted on thinking of Felix as a normal guy with a normal life, who should go through recovery step by step. Felix however couldn’t make out a life he could get back to at all, and if there was one anyhow, he wasn’t sure he wanted it back."
Two days after Kelly died, Admiral Adama called Felix into his office.
“I’ll make it short, Mr. Gaeta,” the admiral said in his no-nonsense voice. “There have been reports about a lack of protocol on the landing deck for months. It’s a problem. All of Helo’s attempts to do something about it have failed. This morning I walked into Hot Dog lecturing the CAP on procedure, and Chief Tyrol assures me that most problems are gone on that rotation. I hear that was your doing.” He stood up. Naturally, Felix was standing, too, as he preferred to do in Adama’s presence. Making an exit took him long enough as it was. He didn’t want to waste the admiral’s time.
“I have no time for your sensibilities anymore,” Adama said. “You are hereby promoted to the rank of captain. Congratulations.”
He was holding a rank pin, Felix noticed, fastening it on his uniform already. Felix resisted the urge to flinch away. “Sir, I don’t know what to...”
“You’re in charge of senior officers’ training as of now,” Adama continued. “I can’t have a lieutenant train my officers. I trust you to coordinate a schedule with the Chiefs of Deck and the CAG without impairing on the pilots’ flight time.”
No matter what, Felix had to concentrate on not raising his eyebrows.
Some things never changed.
Felix had never seen Brendan that angry before and he found he didn’t care much about the experience. He had a hard time staying on his crutches, shaking too hard, and when Brendan loomed over him, forcing him to step back, he was thankful to bump into something. Things had been a bit strained between them recently but that didn’t seem to be a priority now.
Brendan’s palm hit the wall beside his head.
“I don’t give a frak about how complicated it is!” he snapped. “Don’t tell me that was a first time! If they do that on a regular base, it has to stop and I don’t care what you think!”
“This is none of your business, Brendan...”
“Don’t even try!” Brendan looked furious, even more furious than when he’d walked into them in the hallway before, chasing Baltar’s acolytes away like chicken. “Alright. Here are your choices. Either we go get a marine to guard you so they’ll leave you alone, or you give me a name now so I can make this stop once and for all!”
Breathing a laugh that didn’t quite come out right, Felix tried to calm him down. “Brendan, I’m dealing with it.”
“Are you?! Because it sure doesn’t look like it! You’re really gray and you’re five seconds from frakking fainting! I don’t even want to know what they said to you! Does this have to do with that Connor guy? That why you won’t go to the bar?”
“Connor and I are getting along fine.” It was true. They were. Connor had said he was sorry, buying him drinks. More than a year ago. It was more than most had done.
“Who is it then? People harassing you still for that frak-up on New Caprica? Starbuck say something to people?”
“No.” He doubted Starbuck would ever care that much. “They’re just civilians, Brendan, they...”
“This got anything to do with Gaius Baltar and his sect then?”
Felix looked away.
“I knew it.” The look Brendan shot him was murderous. “I’ll kill that bastard I swear.”
“Look,” Felix hurried to say. Unable to make himself look Brendan in the eyes, he tried to be reasonable. “I don’t think he’s sending them out. He probably doesn’t even know.” Because Baltar didn’t care that much either, didn’t care at all if he frakked up Felix’ life some more. “It’s not that he can do anything about...”
“Like hell he can’t,” Brendan growled, pushing himself off the wall. He gave Felix one last angry look. Then he was gone as fast as he’d shown up.
Felix leaned back against the wall, heart pounding too fast. An exhilarated feeling coursing all through his chest, he looked after Brendan, the space that had been occupied by him feeling painfully empty.
Brendan was released from the brig two days later. Felix hadn’t been able to visit, he hadn’t had a long enough break but he’d felt that might not actually have been a bad thing. When Brendan slipped into his quarters, quietly closing the hatch behind himself, Felix was still so filled with bewilderment, it took him a whole minute to come up with anything to say.
“I can’t believe you did that,” he tried in the end but it really, really didn’t convey the amount of disbelief he was feeling. Why was it that his life consisted solely of things he would never have seen coming?
Positioning himself at the other side of the room, Brendan just shrugged, flinching a second later, and Felix noticed scratches running down his neck. Scratches looking like they’d been made by fingernails. He couldn’t wait to hear that story. Besides, Brendan looked like he were on trial. It wasn’t an entirely inappropriate comparison.
Felix opened and closed his mouth. “I can’t believe you punched Gaius in the face in the middle of a godsdamned service. It was on the wireless, for frak’s sake.”
A moment passed and Brendan grinned, pulling himself up a bit straighter. “Did he lose teeth, do you kn...”
“Two,” Felix said.
The grin grew until it split Brendan’s face, looking enormously and adoringly dorky on him. “Good,” he said. “Then it was worth it.”
Felix shot him another exasperated look but Brendan just snickered, and Felix felt something come loose, somewhere so deep within himself that he hadn’t even known it was there.
Kelly had made major shortly before he died. It had been one of the few services Felix had attended. However, he did refuse to join the memorial service for Tigh when the XO was captured and killed on a refueling mission gone wrong. Felix stood watch in the CIC instead, eventually being relieved by Helo who showed up pointing at his own new rank pin and rolling his eyes.
Felix headed down to the mess to catch some food, contemplating on his long way whether it would be worth it to reevaluate some things. But, no. It was bad for Galactica that Tigh was dead but he’d kept hating the man’s guts right up until the end, and he would remember him like the incompetent drunk he had been, no matter what.
When he was halfway through his meal, Sam Anders sat down at his table.
“Listen, Gaeta,” the lieutenant said, uneasy. “I’d understand if you’d say no. But how about we go to Joe’s and I’ll buy you a drink?”
For a moment, Felix just looked at him warily. He noticed that when Anders had shown up, his first thought had been something despicable about the man’s wife, nothing to do with Demetrius at all. He wondered why he hadn’t scheduled him for officers training yet, too.
“Alright,” he said. “Let me finish this up.”
His expression transforming into one of relief, Anders nodded, watching him eat without another word.
Maybe there were some other things Felix could rethink.
There was a rumor around that Sharon was having another baby but she kept flying, so it must be a hoax. There was a rumor about the married women being pregnant every three months or so anyway, so it wasn’t that exciting in the first place. Switch, one of the new viper pilots however turned out to be pregnant without a father in sight, and that was pretty interesting for everybody.
Brendan kept Felix informed about all of it whenever he had time to visit him before or after duty. It was said that the Quorum representative from Tauron was planning to run for office against Zarek with Lee Adama as her Vice President, supposedly because they had an affair. It was said that over at the basestars, Tory Foster had hooked up with one of the Leobens or possibly with two. It was said that Dee had been spotted leaving the supply closet shortly after Laird. When Felix needled her about it on a break to make her spill, she just shrugged, smiling brilliantly like neither Apollo nor Billy Keikeya had ever made her smile.
Brendan rolled on the floor with laughter when Felix recounted that Alghee said Davis said Hoshi had been seen stumbling towards the quarters of one Cylon Chief Tyrol, most definitely drunk. The outcome of that one was still unknown, Hoshi being unusually tight-lipped about it. Or possibly he just couldn’t remember.
It was hard to care about the few bits of gossip about Baltar and his cult reaching Galactica. They had moved to bigger locations on the Celestra some time ago, and rumor had it they were fighting it out with the resident Gemenese. However, Felix found he was entirely content to know the man was very far away, both out of his sight and out of his life.
One morning he entered CIC noticing that things had quieted down, as they sometimes did even in a time of war. Adama was nowhere in sight, taking a free shift again. Helo gave Felix a nod when he passed him on his way to tactical. Dee was busy calculating a practice jump route at the command table, signaling him she had a question as soon as he had time. Hoshi handed him the watch report, going back to introducing a bunch of new ensigns to communications.
The CAP was trading quips on the wireless, Narcho threatening to mutiny if Hot Dog and Twister kept singing.
It had been eleven months to the day that he’d lost his leg.
“Alright, this is ridiculous,” Brendan said, slumping down on Felix’ rack. Making himself comfortable, he had a look around that seemed to include all of Felix’ sparsely furnished quarters. “We have to change something about it.”
Felix stopped writing his report, looking around as well. “If you want more exciting interior design, maybe you shouldn’t be friends with a navigator on a battlestar.”
“Very funny,” Brendan said, rolling his eyes. “No,” he continued, clasping his hands together in his lap and growing serious. “I mean this. You. In here. All frakking day long.”
“Except when I’m working, which is always?” Felix was having a feeling that he wouldn’t like this conversation.
“Come on, Felix. When was the last time you went to the bar?”
“When I had a drink with Lieutenant Anders,” Felix said without thinking.
Brendan gave him a look. “Anytime else in the last frakking year?”
Dropping his pen and leaning back in his chair, Felix prepared himself for the speech.
“You’re in here all day,” Brendan said. “I don’t like it. It’s not healthy. You work in the CIC and you eat in the mess, and the rest of the time you hide out. I know it’s not easy but you’ll never get used to people staring if you don’t get out of here. And people won’t stop staring if they don’t get used to seeing you around. People are asking for you all over the place and I haven’t got a clue what I should tell them, either. You didn’t even show up at Sharon and Helo’s annual.”
“I wasn’t invited.”
“I wasn’t either. Sharon asked me why I didn’t bring you. You’re still not dealing, Felix. This isn’t living, this is vegetating.”
“Where did you learn that word?”
Brendan just smirked, recognizing the tactic for what it was.
“Listen,” he said. “I know how hard it is, I really do. It’s awful, all the readjustments and getting used to the changes and whatnot. But you’re getting around just fine and you haven’t been in pain for months. Seriously, let’s do something about it. What’s wrong with playing Triad with some of the guys at least sometimes?”
Felix didn’t even blink. “The rec room is at the other end of the ship, Brendan.”
“So what? You’re in good shape. Good looking triceps, too.” He grinned at the unimpressed look Felix shot him for that one.
“Be that as it may,” Felix allowed, determined to drive his point home because even if he were longing to go to the rec room, which he wasn’t, it wasn’t that easy. “That’s still walking through the ship twice after a shift, not counting that I’d just have come down from the CIC. Rec room three decks down and CIC one deck up, that makes seven stairways and approximately a mile.”
“Fine excuse, isn’t it?”
“It’s a fact, Brendan. It can’t be done. And it’s not that important, either.”
Felix didn’t want to go to the rec room. A lot of things had gotten better, he’d admit that in a heartbeat. Some people had been permanently removed from his life, he’d reconciled with others. A lot of things had been a long time ago. New Caprica had been a long time ago. There were people he looked forward to seeing on duty and wouldn’t mind seeing more often. Still, some things hadn’t changed. He still despised Seelix and Starbuck with a passion, and he refused to spend his little time off in the same room with Starbuck celebrating herself. He’d gotten hurt enough, he’d taken enough, and he couldn’t get himself to turn his back on it all but he could draw a line.
When Brendan gave him a thoughtful look, Felix held it with quiet determination.
“Okay,” his friend said, standing up. “I see your point but I still think you’re wrong. I’m going to resolve this for you. You can’t hide out in here and waste your life like that forever.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Play cards,” Brendan said. “I’ll be here after next shift.”
Felix raised his eyebrows. “Again with the mile, Brendan. I could calculate the distance to a foot if you’d just hand me a deck plan.”
“Yeah, I got that,” Brendan said and left.
Nevertheless, Felix found himself waiting for Brendan after his next shift, finding that whatever he had planned, Felix trusted him that it wouldn’t be something he’d hate. Sitting on his rack while he waited, he noticed he’d been fingering the buttons of his uniform jacket, unsure if he should get rid of it or not. Looking down, he paused. It was silly. It wasn’t like he was going on a date.
He was reasonably sure of that.
When somebody knocked loudly, he knew it was Brendan, the hatch unlocking from the outside. Holding onto the pole of his rack, Felix started to get up, only to be interrupted by Brendan marching in and throwing a box of cigarettes over. He caught it by reflex.
“Evening, Felix,” Brendan said, holding the hatch open for Helo, who was carrying a chair in every hand, nodding at Felix, lollipop in mouth.
“What are you...” Felix started saying, then stopped and sank back down on his rack. Helo was trailed by Hoshi, a bottle of the knuckledraggers’ finest in hand. Dee was following suit, dragging in Laird with her who smiled Felix an excuse as if not sure whether he was wanted. The last to enter was Racetrack who was busy skimming through a deck of cards, not even bothering with a hello. She and Brendan had become pretty close friends. She and Felix had no opinion of each other whatsoever.
“It sure beats the rec room in terms of ambiance,” Hoshi remarked, having a curious look around.
Helo gave the room an appreciative glance, too. “I must say I don’t mind having a head that close by either.”
“Well, Sharon says she’ll let you play cards all the time if you check in on Hera next door between games,” Brendan said with a grin, leaning over and helping Felix to a chair at the table in one swift move. Then he handed him the crutches to place them nearby without even looking at what he was doing.
“Alright,” Dee said when everybody settled down. “Who’ll deal?”
Just a bit overwhelmed, Felix shook his head, throwing Brendan a glance. Brendan smiled.
Felix couldn’t help but smile back.
They might have taken him by surprise, but as the evening progressed Felix found he didn’t mind, listening to everybody teasing Hoshi about his exploit with the Chief, watching Dee distract Laird while she cleaned him out sneakily. Not even when Felix lost most games. He kept being distracted himself because he couldn’t seem to make himself let go whenever he touched Brendan’s hand.
It didn’t seem like Brendan minded, either.
By the time they cleared out, it was well after rack time. Helo shot him a smile before leaving, followed by Hoshi cracking jokes while dragging a very drunk Racetrack after him. Felix hadn’t even known these two knew each other. Or maybe they’d just bonded tonight.
Racetrack whooped as a goodbye, threatening they’d all be back.
Felix looked after them with bemusement. Then he snickered because Brendan had bumped into a chair on his way back from the head, swearing violently in rural Libran. He looked up when he heard Felix, starting to smile broadly.
“Quite a night, huh?” he said, sounding pleased with himself.
“I can’t believe Hoshi drank all that ambrosia.”
“Yeah, he’s becoming quite the party animal.”
“Maybe we should invite the Chief next time.”
Brendan’s face lit up at the suggestion of a repeat performance; then he snickered evilly. Felix watched him for a moment clearing the table, then sat down on the desk he’d been leaning on with a slight jump, letting his leg dangle. It wouldn’t do to try and help; Brendan would be finished before Felix could do anything relevant. Since it was late and he was tired, he couldn’t say he minded.
A minute of silence passed while Brendan disposed of the ashtray. Then he reappeared in the bathroom door, lounging against the frame.
“Well,” he said after a moment, tilting his head. “How’s it going with readjustment?”
It took Felix a moment until he made the connection, remembering a day almost a year ago when Brendan had asked him the same thing; when he’d found the painkillers in the head. There were none there this time, of course.
He’d already opened his mouth to say he was fine when it occurred to him that he’d said something like that back then, too, but it had been a lie.
“I hate the stairway in the CIC,” he said instead. It was the first thing that came to mind. “I stumble every time I have to be at tactical fast.”
Brendan’s face softened. A warm feeling tingled in Felix’ chest. “Maybe you could ask Adama to install a ramp or something.”
Felix blinked. “I really could,” he agreed, never having thought of that before. You didn’t just ask the Old Man to make design changes in his CIC. However, Felix supposed that Adama could as well deal with the consequences if he chose to have a one-legged navigator around.
Brendan was looking fidgety, as if unsure whether he should move. There was a moment of pause then, and Felix found himself looking away, overly aware that there was a routine, there was a way things usually went when they met, one that didn’t involve closing that distance between them. And even if he could move easily...
“Uhm,” Felix said, brushing imaginary dust off his pants. In the corner of his eye, he saw Brendan lifting his head to look at him hopefully. “About that sex list you gave me once. I’ve been thinking maybe it’s time to try some things out. I wouldn’t say I’m quite there yet on all accounts…” he continued, surprised about how flushed he suddenly felt. His hand moved to clutch the edge of the table. “But I guess I don’t have to try everything at once.” Which he was sure was something Brendan had said when he came out to him. Considering Felix had agonized over that conversation for days, he remembered it well. He might have agonized over it a bit more in the last couple of days.
“That’s great,” Brendan said and Felix looked up fast. Looking nervous and eager all at once, Brendan shot him a question. “What about kissing?”
“Definitely a possibility,” Felix blurted, although still flushed, and Brendan broke into motion, closing the space between them with a few large steps.
“About frakking time,” he said. Before Felix knew what was happening, hands were wrapping around his waist and Brendan’s lips touched his. Felix made a small sound, his hand in the back of Brendan’s neck, drawing him in.
There was no fuss about Brendan kissing: intense and focused and methodical, and a careless kind of sloppy with a lot of tongue. It was exactly like Brendan was supposed to be kissing, like his world had narrowed down on Felix alone. Felix concentrated on the feeling of arms wrapping around him, sliding his hand under Brendan’s tank top to feel skin and wiry muscle, almost like he’d imagined it to feel except more real.
It was easy to let the world spin around him. Soon, he was growing dizzy from a lack of air and not caring at all.
But Brendan cared it seemed, eventually breaking away to kiss Felix’ cheekbone, his brow, and Felix held on to him, resting his cheek on Brendan’s. He felt Brendan grin all over his face after a moment, stubbles scratching against his cheek.
“About frakking time?” he repeated, stifling a laugh.
“Sure was,” Brendan muttered unabashedly, kissing the crook of his neck, arms wrapping tighter around Felix, hands steady on his back. “How about I stay the night? That okay, too?” he added quietly.
Felix gave an agreeable sigh, nuzzling against Brendan. He wasn’t in a hurry to move, and it would by no means be acceptable if Brendan left any time soon. He knew they should probably go on taking things slow, as hard as that might prove to be at this point but he also knew for sure that it would all work out eventually. More so, Felix was madly glad about everything he could look forward to in that respect. And right now, he wanted to hold Brendan closer.
About frakking time, he thought with a smile.
If he concentrated, Felix could hear Brendan’s heartbeat, pounding against his own chest steadily but slightly too fast. Galactica’s engines were humming faintly all around them. There was a slight stutter in their pace right now, signaling that up in the CIC, they were heating up the FTL drive, preparing to jump them one step closer to home.
It was hard to remember why they should bother.
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