Revoltingly Unfaithful, Continued
I spent this afternoon with James.
Either I am good at feigning interest, or it's not difficult just because it's a habit.
Or perhaps things really are as they should be again and this entire week was a long strange trip into Hell, and now I am back where I belong.
I felt that familiar happy luxuriant tingling when he spooned me in bed - almost wanted to have sex.
But whenever he went outside to smoke a cigarette or check on the lasagna baking in the oven, I thought of Christian and what he said... "Go on, keep telling yourself." Keep telling myself that stable, boring, routine, is what I need at this point. Keep telling myself it wouldn't be worth it to have sex with a university professor in his office. I was tempted to check my email inbox while James was outside. Just before he came over I was cleaning my room and frantically hid the list of "Reasons Not To Fuck Professor Collberg (Other Than The Obvious)" in my backpack.
Yet I didn't bring anything up to James. He asked how everything was, I said 'fine'. He took me to the bank and then we went to the grocery and bakery outlet. We ate mediocre frozen lasagna. I laughed in earnest at his jokes like I always do, and combed his hair and slapped his hand away when he tried to tickle me. Everything appeared normal, he didn't notice anything different about me.
Perhaps this impulse will pass.
I told Christian on Wednesday night that I was not going to talk to him again, that I was going to avoid the building where his office is, and that I was going to try not to think about him. Successful on two out of three right now.
I told him I needed to think about what I was doing. He said "You do that" and gave me his phone number.
Either I am good at feigning interest, or it's not difficult just because it's a habit.
Or perhaps things really are as they should be again and this entire week was a long strange trip into Hell, and now I am back where I belong.
I felt that familiar happy luxuriant tingling when he spooned me in bed - almost wanted to have sex.
But whenever he went outside to smoke a cigarette or check on the lasagna baking in the oven, I thought of Christian and what he said... "Go on, keep telling yourself." Keep telling myself that stable, boring, routine, is what I need at this point. Keep telling myself it wouldn't be worth it to have sex with a university professor in his office. I was tempted to check my email inbox while James was outside. Just before he came over I was cleaning my room and frantically hid the list of "Reasons Not To Fuck Professor Collberg (Other Than The Obvious)" in my backpack.
Yet I didn't bring anything up to James. He asked how everything was, I said 'fine'. He took me to the bank and then we went to the grocery and bakery outlet. We ate mediocre frozen lasagna. I laughed in earnest at his jokes like I always do, and combed his hair and slapped his hand away when he tried to tickle me. Everything appeared normal, he didn't notice anything different about me.
Perhaps this impulse will pass.
I told Christian on Wednesday night that I was not going to talk to him again, that I was going to avoid the building where his office is, and that I was going to try not to think about him. Successful on two out of three right now.
I told him I needed to think about what I was doing. He said "You do that" and gave me his phone number.