(Untitled)

[truly_vintage]

 Bursts of light
Burst into the night
Peirced darkness about to take flight
Make it alright
Make it right
When black is white
When darkness is peirced in the night

Manufactured magic
A cheap trick for thrills
Sparkles the night
With thunderous consequences
Drum Beat Dancer
shakes her sweet hips
overlooked by the madmen
who've been licking their lips
Wearing

Comments

It's Diana

[anonymous]

Hey I moved to clumsycongress.blogspot.com

Okk..

While some articulation and choice of vocab is creative "cheap trick for thrills" << LIKE

Some metaphors sound very.. "threw in", as if you couldn't think of better words.

I know you wrote it by yourself, but it's not very different from most other blog-type poems. It's also very 'broken', the sentences don't collide at all.

I give it a 6.8. Mainly because I value originality and risk in writing. The ideas are solid but structure needs improvement.

Truth hurts, I know. I'm sorry, but you asked for *honest* opinions.

Yours,
- Diana M.

Re: It's Diana

[truly_vintage]

and though, the Truth does NOT hurt, for i knew it sucked which is what one Would expect of a poem written in like 10 minutes,

If you are judging it based on the "brokeness" of sentences, well that was kind of the point. the structure DOES NOT need improvement as it is supposed to be like that. It's a huge style in poetry but i won't bore you with the details.
and though i agree, one or 2 of the lines i could have changed and made more appealing to ones ear;
it's still the rhythm i was intending.

Re: It's Diana

[anonymous]

It's I again,

yes yes, it's VERY subjective.

Literature is a bitch, isn't it?

Ever heard Our Lady Peace's "Carnival" ,
"Yoga class for cats", GENIUS.