Whispering: Morning, keep the streets empty for me
30 Truths About Me meme:
* I like the shifting colors of bruises.
* As a little kid, I had a lot of recurring daydreams. One of these always happened at night, right before I fell asleep - I would imagine that this faceless, loving, strong person was putting their arms around me so that I could feel safe and fall asleep. That helped me fall asleep.
* The first person I ever really, really liked was about 13 years older than me.
* My current favorite songs are "Keep the Streets Empty for Me" by Fever Ray, "Will" by The Dresden Dolls (the ending is so intense), and "Gallows" by CocoRosie.
* The closest thing I've experienced to heaven is a dream I had, maybe a couple of years ago, where I was running through a field of tall yellow wild grass. I think I was a child again, and I was running faster and faster, and soon I was going faster than any person could run, I seemed to be moving in huge leaps and bounds, not even really touching the ground, and then I was just flying through the field, and it was like I wasn't even really me anymore, I wasn't confined to a body, and the grass kept rushing towards me and going on and on, opening up endlessly before me, and I felt like I would just go on and on forever.
* If I could only look at one artist's new work for the rest of my life, it would probably be Kristamas Klousch.
* My parents were sort of verbally abusive when I was growing up. Not abusive as in cussing me out, but they would tell me I was selfish or lazy if I forgot to turn off a light or something. No matter what I did, no matter how trivial, there would always be something wrong. I could never do anything completely right. And they blamed me for a wide array of things, including things that I had no control over, like getting colds. They implied that everything bad or displeasing that happened was just a result of some flaw in my character or personality. They didn't really bother to contain their bad moods when they came home; at least, they didn't make the kind of effort I would. They had acid tongues. I'm a very sensitive person, with delicate feelings and tenuous sanity, and my parents just ripped into me at my most sensitive points, undermining anything good that I could have felt. I was always terrified that I would do something wrong, disappoint them yet again. I think that's a big part of the source of my lack of self-confidence. Though I don't really care about this anymore, and I feel like I've finally managed to separate my well-being from my parents, all throughout my childhood I was terrorized and anguished.
* I really like the Little Red Riding Hood tale and many variations/twists on it.
* I think that almost all of the reasons why people have children are evil. The sole reason you should have a child is to love and nurture them - not to carry on your DNA (I find that idea intolerably narcissistic, in fact), to teach them to be like you, to fulfill whatever ambitions you have and use them as a vanity mirror, to inherit whatever crap you may accrue during your lifetime, to replenish the workforce, to do the normal thing, to take care of you in your old age, because you're afraid of being alone, because of some existential crisis, because you've got nothing better to do, or whatever. I think it's wrong, and incredibly sad, that people want to weigh their kids down with so many obligations and traditions. We should give birth to children, not to tie them to us like kites so that we can control how far up they fly and what direction they fly in - but just to love them and support them.
* My favorite piece of jewelry is probably a ribcage necklace cut out of black perspex that I got from Miss X Aesthetic Laboratories.
* I have at least 30 pairs of shoes. I don't even have that huge a shoe fetish, I'm not sure how this happened, it just did, over time.
* I started modeling casually basically because of these reasons: 1) because of my love of fashion, and wanting to do something special with all my outfits, and 2) because I hate the way I look, and I'm trying to exorcise that, and to find something in my image that I can actually like and draw confidence from. 3) I want to be able to express myself through modeling or whatever means, be a conduit, a lightning rod, for emotion, make something good out of this mess of emotions I feel, but I'm like a wall, even to myself, that I can't break down. It's such a deeply ingrained part of my personality that I'm not sure that there is anything to reach by tearing the veil off.
* I almost never contact people first, or go out of my way to get to know them, and I never initiate any sort of relationship, not because I just really don't want to, but because I'm afraid of rejection. I hate to be a nuisance to anyone. People have to come to me first and make me feel like I'm really accepted, otherwise by default I just assume that they couldn't care less about me. I hope that no one finds that offensive; I'm just really insecure. I have to get used to the idea that someone might actually want me around and like me for a bit before I'm okay with contacting them first or asking them to do anything.
* I'm repelled by the idea of pregnancy. It's just a totally weird, scary idea for me personally and I couldn't ever really imagine myself pregnant.
* I'm pretty sure I have some kind of personality disorder that I just haven't found out about yet.
* I love sexuality and I think it's one of the best parts of life, but sometimes there's this feeling of repulsion from it that just comes over me, at random times, and I can't really explain it; it has nothing to do with guilt. And that's when I feel like I could comfortably be asexual for the rest of my life. I don't know if you guys ever experience these feelings, where something that you revel in suddenly rears its ugly head and disgusts you. It's kind of like loving food so much, then sometimes just wishing you could never have to eat again, because you find it so repulsive. Or like when you think you've been having fun at a party, but then abruptly you just stop enjoying it and you realize, Why am I even here?, and you feel repulsed by everyone there, with whom you'd just been laughing a second ago, and by the whole thing, and you feel weary and jaded. It's a momentary, passing sort of feeling, like a wave du mal.
* I'm only happy when I feel inspired and surrounded by beauty and creativity. I love to be obsessed with a new interest, a passion. When I'm not very interested in some random thing or other, I tend to feel depressive and "empty," like I'm a bare room. Then I obsess over everything that's wrong, and the shadow-puppet shows can chase themselves over the walls of my mind for hours and hours on end.
* I think these lyrics from Florence + the Machine's song "Heavy In Your Arms" describe my current relationship pretty well somehow:
I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground
* My dreams are as important for me to remember as what happens in my waking life.
* One of my happiest memories is from when I went to see the premiere screening of Repo! The Genetic Opera in my city (this was fall 2008, I think), which two of the creators, Darren Lynn Bousman and Terrance Zdunich, were attending. I love Terrance (many people do). After the Q&A, my friends and I hung around for autographs, and we waited in line for a long time, and when it finally came to us, the others were all giddy and chatting up Darren and Terrance. They were giving lots of fans hugs after someone first requested one, and they were really taking the time to interact with everyone.
I'm really shy, so I kind of just hung back, not planning to say anything, but when it was my turn for Terrance to sign my piece of paper, whatever it was, he was so nice to me, it was freaking unexpected! I didn't think he'd pay much attention to me at all, since I'm an idiot on at these occasions who can't think of anything complimentary to say and pretty much has nothing to offer. But he looked at me with the kindest eyes, and when he was done signing, he kind of glanced down at his hand, then back up at me, like he was thinking about shaking hands, then he just said, "Come on. I've seen your face too many times not to hug you," and I was shocked as I received his hug. I finally managed to say, "I can't believe you recognize me," and he said, "Of course I do," somewhere near my hair, during the hug. He told me he'd seen me in fan photos from when a bunch of people and I were promoting the event months earlier. He told me I had amazing fashion sense. I was utterly surprised.
I didn't really know what to say, all I think of was "I love you," which I said very quietly, and he kind of made an adorable "Aw shucks" expression that pooh-poohed his importance, impossible to describe. That was a really lame thing to say, I know, but I didn't mean it in a totally fangirlish way, as in, I would lick the cigarette ash you drop on the ground, I just meant that I loved him for being so wonderful and for that moment, which I've remembered ever since - which is the complete truth. It was the only way I could think of at the time to express what I was feeling. Afterwards, I felt really euphoric. I don't know why this touched me so much. I just know that it remains one of the first happy memories that always come to mind.
* I've never gotten drunk. Which is kind of unusual, but I think it's pretty weird that people take substances to alter their state of mind and make themselves feel happier, you know.
* My fondest wish regarding my mother is that she'll find someone and fall in love with him and divorce my dad and marry him instead. Not out of spite for my dad, but because my mother deserves to come upon some unexpected happiness in the latter half of her life. I want her to have that lovely experience and be given a new outlook on life. ...And because just once, just once, I wish that something would happen in real life to show that unexpected happiness, not even dared for, is possible, that life sometimes can happen in a contradictory way to "realistic" expectations, to prove my mother's own mindset wrong. To show that you should chase after the things you love... And that there isn't some kind of living death that you should just accept at some point... That you can go on discovering love and joy again and again, throughout your life, on and on...so at least the potential of happiness is everlasting.
* I love metaphors related to the human body: give me flesh, ribs, bone, spine, skin, teeth, nail, heart, hair, eyes, lungs, viscera. They are able to express deep, intense emotion and all the various agonies of the human being in a much more powerful way than anything else could.
* I only really like art that is disturbing in some way.
* I long to be a poet, but I don't think I can. When I was younger I wrote way more poetry than prose, and I guess I thought of myself as "a poet." But now I realize that almost of my poems were pretty much worthless, and it's so hard to start to do something that I respect so much. I'm afraid to even attempt to write it. I don't really know where to begin...how to learn a new style, learn to write poetry. How to create a stream of words that will read like blood flowing straight from the veins.
* One of my prized possessions is this cute stuffed-animal-like replica of the mutant baby in Eraserhead. I was kind of obsessed with the movie at the time, and my boyfriend, who I hadn't known for that long yet, made me the baby out of socks, gauze, and thread, to surprise me with as a present. He didn't even really know how to sew, but it turned out amazing. I love a lot of other random objects I have like that, too, but I think this one is more "prized" because most of the others are to some degree at least theoretically replaceable, but there's only the one mutant baby. So whenever anyone handles it roughly, I'm like, "Hey, watch it, that's the baby!" I love the baby, that's why.
* I think the most enjoyable concert I've ever been to (at least one of them) was a Cruxshadows show a couple years back. Not because I'm not that big a Cruxshadows fan, and I'm not sure why I feel like I enjoyed that one the most, as I've gone to so many concerts over the years (many of which I enjoyed), but the mood was just right that night or something, and I was with my best friend Emily, we had so much fun talking out in the freezing cold in line before we even got in, our laughs making our breath steam, and I was wearing my favorite corset, and I just enjoyed the show in a way that I rarely let myself go enough to do at concerts. Like when the music drums you into a trance, and you're beyond thinking about the music.
* I dream of one day running an eclectic alternative culture print publication like Coilhouse Magazine.
* I make useless, detailed lists revolving around vague ideas all the time.
* When I woke up today, it was snowing.
* I like the shifting colors of bruises.
* As a little kid, I had a lot of recurring daydreams. One of these always happened at night, right before I fell asleep - I would imagine that this faceless, loving, strong person was putting their arms around me so that I could feel safe and fall asleep. That helped me fall asleep.
* The first person I ever really, really liked was about 13 years older than me.
* My current favorite songs are "Keep the Streets Empty for Me" by Fever Ray, "Will" by The Dresden Dolls (the ending is so intense), and "Gallows" by CocoRosie.
* The closest thing I've experienced to heaven is a dream I had, maybe a couple of years ago, where I was running through a field of tall yellow wild grass. I think I was a child again, and I was running faster and faster, and soon I was going faster than any person could run, I seemed to be moving in huge leaps and bounds, not even really touching the ground, and then I was just flying through the field, and it was like I wasn't even really me anymore, I wasn't confined to a body, and the grass kept rushing towards me and going on and on, opening up endlessly before me, and I felt like I would just go on and on forever.
* If I could only look at one artist's new work for the rest of my life, it would probably be Kristamas Klousch.
* My parents were sort of verbally abusive when I was growing up. Not abusive as in cussing me out, but they would tell me I was selfish or lazy if I forgot to turn off a light or something. No matter what I did, no matter how trivial, there would always be something wrong. I could never do anything completely right. And they blamed me for a wide array of things, including things that I had no control over, like getting colds. They implied that everything bad or displeasing that happened was just a result of some flaw in my character or personality. They didn't really bother to contain their bad moods when they came home; at least, they didn't make the kind of effort I would. They had acid tongues. I'm a very sensitive person, with delicate feelings and tenuous sanity, and my parents just ripped into me at my most sensitive points, undermining anything good that I could have felt. I was always terrified that I would do something wrong, disappoint them yet again. I think that's a big part of the source of my lack of self-confidence. Though I don't really care about this anymore, and I feel like I've finally managed to separate my well-being from my parents, all throughout my childhood I was terrorized and anguished.
* I really like the Little Red Riding Hood tale and many variations/twists on it.
* I think that almost all of the reasons why people have children are evil. The sole reason you should have a child is to love and nurture them - not to carry on your DNA (I find that idea intolerably narcissistic, in fact), to teach them to be like you, to fulfill whatever ambitions you have and use them as a vanity mirror, to inherit whatever crap you may accrue during your lifetime, to replenish the workforce, to do the normal thing, to take care of you in your old age, because you're afraid of being alone, because of some existential crisis, because you've got nothing better to do, or whatever. I think it's wrong, and incredibly sad, that people want to weigh their kids down with so many obligations and traditions. We should give birth to children, not to tie them to us like kites so that we can control how far up they fly and what direction they fly in - but just to love them and support them.
* My favorite piece of jewelry is probably a ribcage necklace cut out of black perspex that I got from Miss X Aesthetic Laboratories.
* I have at least 30 pairs of shoes. I don't even have that huge a shoe fetish, I'm not sure how this happened, it just did, over time.
* I started modeling casually basically because of these reasons: 1) because of my love of fashion, and wanting to do something special with all my outfits, and 2) because I hate the way I look, and I'm trying to exorcise that, and to find something in my image that I can actually like and draw confidence from. 3) I want to be able to express myself through modeling or whatever means, be a conduit, a lightning rod, for emotion, make something good out of this mess of emotions I feel, but I'm like a wall, even to myself, that I can't break down. It's such a deeply ingrained part of my personality that I'm not sure that there is anything to reach by tearing the veil off.
* I almost never contact people first, or go out of my way to get to know them, and I never initiate any sort of relationship, not because I just really don't want to, but because I'm afraid of rejection. I hate to be a nuisance to anyone. People have to come to me first and make me feel like I'm really accepted, otherwise by default I just assume that they couldn't care less about me. I hope that no one finds that offensive; I'm just really insecure. I have to get used to the idea that someone might actually want me around and like me for a bit before I'm okay with contacting them first or asking them to do anything.
* I'm repelled by the idea of pregnancy. It's just a totally weird, scary idea for me personally and I couldn't ever really imagine myself pregnant.
* I'm pretty sure I have some kind of personality disorder that I just haven't found out about yet.
* I love sexuality and I think it's one of the best parts of life, but sometimes there's this feeling of repulsion from it that just comes over me, at random times, and I can't really explain it; it has nothing to do with guilt. And that's when I feel like I could comfortably be asexual for the rest of my life. I don't know if you guys ever experience these feelings, where something that you revel in suddenly rears its ugly head and disgusts you. It's kind of like loving food so much, then sometimes just wishing you could never have to eat again, because you find it so repulsive. Or like when you think you've been having fun at a party, but then abruptly you just stop enjoying it and you realize, Why am I even here?, and you feel repulsed by everyone there, with whom you'd just been laughing a second ago, and by the whole thing, and you feel weary and jaded. It's a momentary, passing sort of feeling, like a wave du mal.
* I'm only happy when I feel inspired and surrounded by beauty and creativity. I love to be obsessed with a new interest, a passion. When I'm not very interested in some random thing or other, I tend to feel depressive and "empty," like I'm a bare room. Then I obsess over everything that's wrong, and the shadow-puppet shows can chase themselves over the walls of my mind for hours and hours on end.
* I think these lyrics from Florence + the Machine's song "Heavy In Your Arms" describe my current relationship pretty well somehow:
I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground
* My dreams are as important for me to remember as what happens in my waking life.
* One of my happiest memories is from when I went to see the premiere screening of Repo! The Genetic Opera in my city (this was fall 2008, I think), which two of the creators, Darren Lynn Bousman and Terrance Zdunich, were attending. I love Terrance (many people do). After the Q&A, my friends and I hung around for autographs, and we waited in line for a long time, and when it finally came to us, the others were all giddy and chatting up Darren and Terrance. They were giving lots of fans hugs after someone first requested one, and they were really taking the time to interact with everyone.
I'm really shy, so I kind of just hung back, not planning to say anything, but when it was my turn for Terrance to sign my piece of paper, whatever it was, he was so nice to me, it was freaking unexpected! I didn't think he'd pay much attention to me at all, since I'm an idiot on at these occasions who can't think of anything complimentary to say and pretty much has nothing to offer. But he looked at me with the kindest eyes, and when he was done signing, he kind of glanced down at his hand, then back up at me, like he was thinking about shaking hands, then he just said, "Come on. I've seen your face too many times not to hug you," and I was shocked as I received his hug. I finally managed to say, "I can't believe you recognize me," and he said, "Of course I do," somewhere near my hair, during the hug. He told me he'd seen me in fan photos from when a bunch of people and I were promoting the event months earlier. He told me I had amazing fashion sense. I was utterly surprised.
I didn't really know what to say, all I think of was "I love you," which I said very quietly, and he kind of made an adorable "Aw shucks" expression that pooh-poohed his importance, impossible to describe. That was a really lame thing to say, I know, but I didn't mean it in a totally fangirlish way, as in, I would lick the cigarette ash you drop on the ground, I just meant that I loved him for being so wonderful and for that moment, which I've remembered ever since - which is the complete truth. It was the only way I could think of at the time to express what I was feeling. Afterwards, I felt really euphoric. I don't know why this touched me so much. I just know that it remains one of the first happy memories that always come to mind.
* I've never gotten drunk. Which is kind of unusual, but I think it's pretty weird that people take substances to alter their state of mind and make themselves feel happier, you know.
* My fondest wish regarding my mother is that she'll find someone and fall in love with him and divorce my dad and marry him instead. Not out of spite for my dad, but because my mother deserves to come upon some unexpected happiness in the latter half of her life. I want her to have that lovely experience and be given a new outlook on life. ...And because just once, just once, I wish that something would happen in real life to show that unexpected happiness, not even dared for, is possible, that life sometimes can happen in a contradictory way to "realistic" expectations, to prove my mother's own mindset wrong. To show that you should chase after the things you love... And that there isn't some kind of living death that you should just accept at some point... That you can go on discovering love and joy again and again, throughout your life, on and on...so at least the potential of happiness is everlasting.
* I love metaphors related to the human body: give me flesh, ribs, bone, spine, skin, teeth, nail, heart, hair, eyes, lungs, viscera. They are able to express deep, intense emotion and all the various agonies of the human being in a much more powerful way than anything else could.
* I only really like art that is disturbing in some way.
* I long to be a poet, but I don't think I can. When I was younger I wrote way more poetry than prose, and I guess I thought of myself as "a poet." But now I realize that almost of my poems were pretty much worthless, and it's so hard to start to do something that I respect so much. I'm afraid to even attempt to write it. I don't really know where to begin...how to learn a new style, learn to write poetry. How to create a stream of words that will read like blood flowing straight from the veins.
* One of my prized possessions is this cute stuffed-animal-like replica of the mutant baby in Eraserhead. I was kind of obsessed with the movie at the time, and my boyfriend, who I hadn't known for that long yet, made me the baby out of socks, gauze, and thread, to surprise me with as a present. He didn't even really know how to sew, but it turned out amazing. I love a lot of other random objects I have like that, too, but I think this one is more "prized" because most of the others are to some degree at least theoretically replaceable, but there's only the one mutant baby. So whenever anyone handles it roughly, I'm like, "Hey, watch it, that's the baby!" I love the baby, that's why.
* I think the most enjoyable concert I've ever been to (at least one of them) was a Cruxshadows show a couple years back. Not because I'm not that big a Cruxshadows fan, and I'm not sure why I feel like I enjoyed that one the most, as I've gone to so many concerts over the years (many of which I enjoyed), but the mood was just right that night or something, and I was with my best friend Emily, we had so much fun talking out in the freezing cold in line before we even got in, our laughs making our breath steam, and I was wearing my favorite corset, and I just enjoyed the show in a way that I rarely let myself go enough to do at concerts. Like when the music drums you into a trance, and you're beyond thinking about the music.
* I dream of one day running an eclectic alternative culture print publication like Coilhouse Magazine.
* I make useless, detailed lists revolving around vague ideas all the time.
* When I woke up today, it was snowing.