Oh my Buddha
I love this icon. <3 There is something so perfect about seeing RDJ with his hands in Have No Fear. It's inspiring. But I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before how much I love that man.
Completely unrelated: I'm fucked. Just royally fucked. I hate myself for my inaction. I hate myself for having inside jokes and things that make us both laugh and how any time we touch I honestly feel shivers everywhere. How it makes me blush inside and smile a little and think about how it would feel to have those perfect hands--weathered, gentle, long, travelled--elsewhere. I hate thinking about how it would feel to trace the curve of muscle in toned arms, or that toned chest, to map out every scar and every mark of a life only months longer than my own but already twice as full, signposts marking the trail of adventure of that life.
I hate myself for these things, these thoughts, because they are reminders of my own unwillingness to act, to makean attempt to break rules--rules of a tour group, rules of society, rules that say my breakup is still too fresh and its not professional and you don't want to look weak, do you? Because others don't care. I feel sick to watch them, to know there is something happening there even if I don't know what, and to feel the uncertainty of "maybe that might have been me." Without even the comfort of rejection, of at least knowing outright that I could never have that place.
It is time for me to stop talking and to start doing. To grow up.To not give as much of a shit what others think of me. I know it is too late for this train, that this ship has sailed, but I'm determined not to miss the next.
To have no fear.
(Hey look. I related it to RDJ anyways. <3 Inspire me please, sir.)