The Claus Conspiracy
In an attempt to solve the mystery of who or what Santa Claus is, we have gathered a certain amount of data to fit with the legends and myths regarding this being. We have compiled them all in this document in an attempt to bring order and stability, as well as understanding to Santa Claus. Here is what we know.
Santa Claus is a jolly old elf.
This implies that being jolly would indicate that he has something to be jolly about. What could that be? Let us read on. Also, remember, a grey alien would easily be mistaken for an elf in olden times.
Santa Claus gives gifts to good boys and girls.
He believes in incentives to those who follow his beliefs of goodness. What those are, is unclear.
In some cultures, Santa Claus metes out punishment to those who are bad.
This implies that those who don't do what he wants, get bad things happening. Not so loving anymore is he? Or perhaps that's why he's so jolly, he's sadistic.
Santa Claus enters houses without disturbing anything.
Sometimes through a chimney, or a window, or something else. No matter how he enters, nothing is left, besides what he leaves behind on purpose, that says he was there. This would imply a transporter technology. This in itself, points towards a superior technology. Perhaps he's from the future...perhaps he's not even from this planet.
Santa Claus is incredibly ancient.
How does he get to be so old, and still never die? Well, according to the laws of relativity, the closer you travel to the speed of light, the faster time outside your ship goes in comparison to you. So, maybe a few laps around the earth close to the speed of light, and a day or two has passed for Santa's ship, but a whole year has passed on Earth. Wow, suddenly it's Christmas again.
Santa Claus wears red.
The color of blood. This is important for the next point.
Santa Claus is only out at night.
Perhaps Santa is a vampire! This explains his blood red clothing, since he would be naturally drawn to such colors.
Santa Claus has a foot fetish.
In almost all the stories, the gifts have something to do with feet: stockings, shoes, socks. Perhaps Santa is also responsible for the sock thefts from the dryers of the world.
Santa Claus believes in peace on Earth and goodwill towards man.
What better time for aliens to attack Earth than when we have put aside our weapons of war for world peace. And who would be the one we follow? Why Santa of course!
Santa Claus' sleigh has never been detected by radar.
This implies that either his sleigh is flying above radar range, or it is stealth. Either way, that points to alien technology, since we all know that stealth technology was gained from the alien crash in Roswell.
The reindeer of Santa Claus fly.
Either some serious genetic manipulation is going on here, or gravitic induction devices. Either way, very advanced technology.
Conclusion:
Santa is a vampiric grey alien bent on dominating the world, and now seeks to control the feet of the planet with abductions to find out what presents will make the planet docile enough to take over. He travels at near light speed with his flying reindeer and his stealth space ship to keep from aging, and transports into your house to give you your gifts. If you do not bend to his will, he will smite you.
Want proof? Take a look at this!
(Note, this joke is copyright Tseran, its his joke he did YEARS ago. Link to this, don't steal it, its not nice. The picture is copyright Blizzard, buy their games.)
Santa Claus is a jolly old elf.
This implies that being jolly would indicate that he has something to be jolly about. What could that be? Let us read on. Also, remember, a grey alien would easily be mistaken for an elf in olden times.
Santa Claus gives gifts to good boys and girls.
He believes in incentives to those who follow his beliefs of goodness. What those are, is unclear.
In some cultures, Santa Claus metes out punishment to those who are bad.
This implies that those who don't do what he wants, get bad things happening. Not so loving anymore is he? Or perhaps that's why he's so jolly, he's sadistic.
Santa Claus enters houses without disturbing anything.
Sometimes through a chimney, or a window, or something else. No matter how he enters, nothing is left, besides what he leaves behind on purpose, that says he was there. This would imply a transporter technology. This in itself, points towards a superior technology. Perhaps he's from the future...perhaps he's not even from this planet.
Santa Claus is incredibly ancient.
How does he get to be so old, and still never die? Well, according to the laws of relativity, the closer you travel to the speed of light, the faster time outside your ship goes in comparison to you. So, maybe a few laps around the earth close to the speed of light, and a day or two has passed for Santa's ship, but a whole year has passed on Earth. Wow, suddenly it's Christmas again.
Santa Claus wears red.
The color of blood. This is important for the next point.
Santa Claus is only out at night.
Perhaps Santa is a vampire! This explains his blood red clothing, since he would be naturally drawn to such colors.
Santa Claus has a foot fetish.
In almost all the stories, the gifts have something to do with feet: stockings, shoes, socks. Perhaps Santa is also responsible for the sock thefts from the dryers of the world.
Santa Claus believes in peace on Earth and goodwill towards man.
What better time for aliens to attack Earth than when we have put aside our weapons of war for world peace. And who would be the one we follow? Why Santa of course!
Santa Claus' sleigh has never been detected by radar.
This implies that either his sleigh is flying above radar range, or it is stealth. Either way, that points to alien technology, since we all know that stealth technology was gained from the alien crash in Roswell.
The reindeer of Santa Claus fly.
Either some serious genetic manipulation is going on here, or gravitic induction devices. Either way, very advanced technology.
Conclusion:
Santa is a vampiric grey alien bent on dominating the world, and now seeks to control the feet of the planet with abductions to find out what presents will make the planet docile enough to take over. He travels at near light speed with his flying reindeer and his stealth space ship to keep from aging, and transports into your house to give you your gifts. If you do not bend to his will, he will smite you.
Want proof? Take a look at this!
(Note, this joke is copyright Tseran, its his joke he did YEARS ago. Link to this, don't steal it, its not nice. The picture is copyright Blizzard, buy their games.)