Akai Batsu to Shiroi Ai - Chapter Forty-Two
Kyo bit his lower lip and watching the minutes tick by, each one adding up to the hour that Kaoru was going to be released from the hospital for good. His entire body was wired from excitement and nervousness. It was strange, he did not feel this way when he was released--it’s like there were more concerns on Kaoru’s behalf. Where would he go? What would he do? Could he survive outside of the hospital.
He himself was already having enough issues trying to fight off his urges to hurt himself, could Kaoru do it better than he could? His brother was always stronger and had a way about surviving, but with Hayashi and Hideto gone, would the grief of his abuser and high school friend finally get to him. He was not as sad as Kyo had anticipated. He fully expected Kaoru to throw a fit and have himself detained in the hospital even longer.
But his reaction...
It wasn’t right, at least to what Kyo had become accustomed to over the past weeks since Yoshiki had reentered his life. He remembered vaguely when Kaoru had returned from the ordeal and had that sad look on his face, but he always thought it was from the things that had happened to him--not because he missed the disgusting man.
But that saddened look he had when he told Kaoru what happened...it wasn’t what he had expected. It was like that was the final moment, like there was that fleeting bit of affection for Yoshiki and then it vanished.
Kyo shook his head. It was all too confusing and complex. He just needed to get to sleep and calm his mind, but he couldn’t. He felt a strong pain in his stomach, probably still from his overdose. He felt his cheeks turning red, just thinking about what he had done. For some reason, it felt like the most embarrassing thing he had ever done. He could not believe that he had been so foolish, it still felt so completely idiotic of him to attempt to kill himself again.
He turned his head as he heard the bathroom door open and watched Toshiya emerge from the steamy bathroom. He held a towel around his waist and a smaller towel hung over is shoulders. Toshiya gave him an awkward grin and moved over to his dresser. “Still watching the clock?” he asked as he opened the dresser and pulled out a pair of pajama pants.
“Yeah...I’m worried,” he sighed and began picking at the dirt beneath his nails. “What is he going to do when he gets out? I don’t think my dad is gonna take him back, and there is no room for him here.”
“Why don’t you give your dad a call tomorrow and find out?” Toshiya asked.
Kyo shook his head. “It just seems like a really bad idea. My dad placing too much stress on him was the reason he started hurting himself in the first place. I can only the imagine how awkward everything is going to be. My dad agreed to send him there...”
“I’m sure there will be a certain amount of understanding between why Kaoru did what he did and how your father reacted...given all that has happened to him, I’m sure they can both reach an understanding. And if not, there are half-way homes for people like Kaoru to go to and slowly reintegrate themselves into, and once a year I can place a patient on the list to be moved into that home, all expenses paid,” Toshiya said. He pulled up his pants and moved over to the bed.
He sat down and placed an arm over Kyo’s shoulders. “He’s going to be alright, don’t you worry. From what I hear, he has really changed since the whole...affair with Bou,” Toshiya cringed a little. “If anything I am more worried about him getting in trouble with the hospital or the law for what he is doing with that boy than him going off the deep end again and trying to pursue Hayashi or Matsumoto.”
Kyo swallowed hard. Hayashi and Matsumoto. Toshiya still did not know they were dead. Should he bring it up, especially after what had happened that almost pushed the living representation of his stability to the cliff’s edge? Maybe it would bring him relief...if anything. Toshiya needed to know.
He bit his lip. He did not want to let him know that he had been answering his calls without his permission. It seemed like such a violation of privacy; would he be upset? “I have to tell you something,” Kyo said quietly, feeling as though he were a child confessing up to having eaten all the cookies.
“What is it? Are you alright?” Toshiya asked gently, looking over his face quickly and then looking down at his arms to check for new cuts.
Kyo closed his eyes and took in a deep breath; something hurt him about the fact that Toshiya had looked immediately to his arms. Something like that would not have bothered him a few months ago in the hospital. “...I answered your phone earlier, back when we were at the hospital...” he said quietly, almost beneath his breath. He stared down at his lap and refused to look up at Toshiya. “Matsumoto and Hayashi are dead.”
“What?” Toshiya’s voice sounded mostly of shock.
“Matsumoto killed Hayashi, and then killed himself last night,” Kyo said. Finally, he looked up. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to go into your things like that, I just answered it to tell them that you weren’t available and when I heard who it was, I just couldn’t help myself and kept talking to them.”
Toshiya nodded slowly, seeming as though he were taking the information in and processing it. Kyo watched his face close for any signs of anger or disappointment, but he saw none. “It’s alright, I’m just glad you told me instead of allowing me to be in the dark about what had happened.”
“You’re not mad at me for answering your phone?”
Toshiya smiled softly. “Of course not. It’s not that big of a deal, especially seeing as you told me about it. I can understand why you would at first think that it was alright, too. You spent so long living in the hospital where you had no such privacies, it’s understandable that it is all your used to,” he said. “But you understand, still, the concept of privacy, which is good. Thank you for telling me, it was all I could ask.”
Kyo hugged Toshiya. “Thank you,” was all he could manage before he felt his throat tighten with the threat of sobs. It still had not completely sunk in that he was no longer in the hospital, that every thing he dreamed of was now at his disposal. He was still trying to get used to the bathroom without looking over his shoulder for a doctor entering the room and here Toshiya was, offering him even more.
“Don’t get upset, it’s okay. I love you Kyo, and I’m in this with you til the end. Don’t worry,” he whispered.
Kyo took in a deep breath, enjoying the scent of Toshiya’s bodywash for a moment before pulling away. He kissed Toshiya on the cheek. “I love you too.” he said.
Toshiya smiled. “Now come on, we have to get some sleep. We’re picking up your brother and it’s going to be a bit of a long day tomorrow,” he smiled.
Kyo nodded. “Alright.”
* * * *
Shinya tossed and turned, staring up at his ceiling and feeling his skin begin to burn and itch. He had cut too deep the night before and had woozily sewn the wound back together. He couldn’t help himself, he just wanted to make the decision making a little easier, something to clear his mind of all the painful thoughts. It had turned out to be a mistake, and his mind had only become cloudy from the pain.
He stared at his messily sewn wound and was tempted to take out the threads and redo it, but he did not want the bleeding to start again. He would just have to deal with it until he was sure it wouldn’t pop open from the stress of the everyday life. He sighed, looking over at the clock and realizing it was almost that time. He would have to put on his dress clothes and go into work, like he did everyday, and pretend that there was nothing wrong with him.
He would walk down the hall into the inpatient unit and sit down with Kaoru one last time, and it would be his time to leave too. He would have to see the disappointment on Die’s face when he discovered what he had done and then he would have to speak with his newest patient, Bou, and decide what to do with the poor boy. And he would lead the group sessions and talk to all those young men about how to handle their lives better when he in fact could not even manage his own.
What a hypocrite he was.
It had never bothered him so much, the deception and the lies. He was used to it all, he at one point had pride in how well he hid his issues from everyone’s sight. Now it ate at him, tearing away pieces of his confidence over and over until he felt like that frightened lonely child again.
How he wished things would go back to normal.
He loved Die with all his heart, but he couldn’t help but feel the chaos in his world was caused by Die. Originally, Die showing up when he was a teenager set off the chain of events that had landed him in his self-mutilating ways and his near death experience. But it had sent him to a greater height, making his name renowned in the psychological world. And then Die shows up again, and that chaos resumes tenfold in even more horrifying ways--and more people got hurt this time.
He sat up and looked down at wound still, pursing his lips thinking about what he would do over the course of the next few days. He had spent all night thinking about it, screaming into his pillow out of frustration and wanting to rip out his hair. But...he had to do it.
At least he had a few days to get his affairs in order and work things out with his patients before he did it.
Shinya up and walked into his bathroom, ready to start another day full of lies.
* * * *
Kaoru held Bou close to him, both of them with their backs to the door, keeping it shut. His eyes were shut, enjoying every moment of the youth’s skin on his. It felt so soft and different form his skin...it was comforting, and it made the world seem to disappear. The only thing that seemed to matter was the boy in his arms, resting warmly up to him. Bou’s grib suddenly tightened for a moment and then relaxed.
He opened his eyes and looked down at him, just in time to catch tear drops falling off of his eyelashes. “What’s wrong?” he asked in a soft voice, stroking Bou’s hair.
“Nothing,” he responded and promptly wiped away the moisture.
“Seriously, what’s wrong?” he asked again, more persistent. It was almost like seeing his brother cry; it made him begin to choke up. It all the time he had been on the inpatient unit...he had not seen Bou cry.
“It’s stupid...”
“Just tell me,” Kaoru prodded.
“It’s just...you’re going to leave today and I’m going to be stuck all alone in this place with no one that understands me or wants to be my friend. The only one who will be nice to me is Die and I really don’t know him that well,” he said. “And I don’t know if I will get to see you again. I mean, how can I? My parents already think I’m a freak of nature, what are they going to think when they see me going out with someone who is twice my age? And what if you just up and leave and never look back? I don’t want to feel alone again...”
Kaoru pulled him close and allowed him to sob for a moment, staring at the wall beyond and trying to sort out in his head what he would say. He hadn’t thought that far ahead, about what his parents would say to such an unconventional relationship, and an illegal one at that. “I’m not going to leave you behind, especially not in this kind of place. I will find a way to visit you until you get out,” he said quietly. “And I won’t just leave, I am going to stay with you. I know we really haven’t even known each other that long, but I really like you Bou, and I’m not willing to throw away what we have. I think it’s...different.”
Bou looked up at him, his eyes blood shot. He strange smirk came across his face and he sighed oddly. “I can’t explain it Kaoru, I just can’t. Why do I like you so much? I’ve never actually wanted to be around to someone so much, or to enjoy their company. That was what made my job so easy compared to others, I wasn’t supposed to have these feelings for people,” he half-laughed. “What did you do to me?”
“I don’t know, but you cast some sort of strange spell on me too, kiddo,” he said, messing up Bou’s hair. “I was very...different when I came to this unit.”
“I know...I’ve been wanting to ask you about that, but I was always too worried I would offend you,” Bou said nervously, seeming as though he wanted to take back his statement.
Kaoru closed his eyes and felt a cold chill run through his body. His relationship with Bou had distracted him from what had happened to his mind for those few weeks he was stuck under the control of Yoshiki once again. He had not wanted to think about it, he did not want to acknowledge what his mind had made him do and say. “It’s hard to explain, and it’s not a good story to listen to,” he said, his eyes still closed. He had broken out in gooseskin, thinking about the touch of Hayashi, the screaming off all those who had died around him. It had been so long since their tortured faces popped up in his mind to torment him.
“I’ll listen...” Bou said gently.
Kaoru stared at him. “No one ever wants to hear the stories. Not even my brother could stand to hear what had happened, he only know the half of it. I cannot burden you with what happened,” he said softly, feeling his eyes burn. Suddenly, that feeling, the desire to harm himself began to dance in his head. He forced it away, mumbling a line that had just popped up in his head, “And all the black-winged boys in the land; Not one could escape the ending of the fable; Each one would twist and scream; Each one become Death’s archangel.”
“I want to hear the story, tell me,” he implored. “I won’t turn away. Kyo told me about how you disappeared and were gone for a really long time, how they thought you were dead, and then they found you in that horrible place.”
Kaoru nodded. “In that place, we were stripped of everything. We were given new names, new identities, told to behave a certain way, dress a certain way, and it was a miracle if only one of us died each week. I was given the name Yume-chan,” he said, stroking his chest.
“That is why you have that scar?” Bou asked.
“Yes, that was the first part of becoming one of Yoshiki’s ‘dolls’. He was sick and twisted...he lived in a fantasy were everyone was a doll to him. If his dolls behaved poorly, they would be subjected to ‘purification’....”
Bou nodded, showing that he knew what that meant.
“If you tried to escape, cried to much, didn’t sit the right way, say the right things...anything...he would kill you. I once saw a boy get his eyes cut out for looking at him the wrong way...he died a few days later. I think from an infection. But this went on every day, and I was told that my mind reacted the only way it could. I began to have feelings for my captor, and in the end that is what saved me.”
“What about that crazy pink haired guy?” Bou asked.
“His name was Aki, when I knew him. We went to school together, and he had been stuck with Yoshiki longer than I had. Yoshiki tried to kill him the day I was rescued. He would kill the defective ones with a hammer, and he had tried to do that to Aki. But he survived, and he was the reason I was rescued. I don’t remember a lot about that day, just wondering if I was next. I was the only one left alive, like Yoshiki knew his time was up and he was trying to get rid of all of us. They say I was found amongst the corpses and rotting boys, but it’s so hard to remember them that way. After a while, I began seeing them as dolls too.
“But Aki...I thought he had died. Turns out he had lived and had his face fixed. From what I understand, he turned into the same thing Yoshiki was. He got a new name to, Matsumoto Hideto. He would skin people alive who had good skin or nice tattoos. Then he ended up here, with Yoshiki...who knew the Master and his two victims would end up in the same place?” Kaoru shook his head. He felt...blank, but weightless.
“Yoshiki discovered I was here...in a freak accident, really. He tried to make Hara-sensei and Shinya his next dolls, and by chance we saved them. And he saw me...and something that I spent so long repressing came to the surface. When Hideto came to the hospital, he was after Yoshiki, and found me as well. He tried to kill me, to get at Yoshiki, and left us both for dead. That survival mode went off again in my head I guess, as Yoshiki was holding me and I was bleeding to death,” he began stroking his scarred neck. “And there I was, stuck again in his little web, and obeying his every command. Acting the way he wanted me to, even though he wasn’t there.”
Kaoru took in a deep breath, pulling himself back to reality. It took him a moment to push away the images of all those he had seen die, and he found Bou staring back at him, his eyes even redder and his cheeks flushed. “And then you came along...and something happened,” he whispered, stroking Bou’s moist cheek. Suddenly, a wave of emotions hit him, so many at once he could not decipher which particular emotion began making his tears flow. “I don’t know what you did to break his hold on me, I don’t know how you did it, but you did and that is what make you so special to me. I don’t want to lose you.”
“Kaoru...” Bou’s face twisted up as he tried not to cry anymore. “I think I love you.”
Kaoru’s chest tightened and he threw his arms around Bou. “I think I love you too,” he said and bowed his head, allowing his tears to drip straight into the floor.
They sat there for a long time, just holding each other and sobbing. Even though they were both crying...it was the most wonderful feeling Kaoru had ever felt.
Was this really what love felt like?
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He himself was already having enough issues trying to fight off his urges to hurt himself, could Kaoru do it better than he could? His brother was always stronger and had a way about surviving, but with Hayashi and Hideto gone, would the grief of his abuser and high school friend finally get to him. He was not as sad as Kyo had anticipated. He fully expected Kaoru to throw a fit and have himself detained in the hospital even longer.
But his reaction...
It wasn’t right, at least to what Kyo had become accustomed to over the past weeks since Yoshiki had reentered his life. He remembered vaguely when Kaoru had returned from the ordeal and had that sad look on his face, but he always thought it was from the things that had happened to him--not because he missed the disgusting man.
But that saddened look he had when he told Kaoru what happened...it wasn’t what he had expected. It was like that was the final moment, like there was that fleeting bit of affection for Yoshiki and then it vanished.
Kyo shook his head. It was all too confusing and complex. He just needed to get to sleep and calm his mind, but he couldn’t. He felt a strong pain in his stomach, probably still from his overdose. He felt his cheeks turning red, just thinking about what he had done. For some reason, it felt like the most embarrassing thing he had ever done. He could not believe that he had been so foolish, it still felt so completely idiotic of him to attempt to kill himself again.
He turned his head as he heard the bathroom door open and watched Toshiya emerge from the steamy bathroom. He held a towel around his waist and a smaller towel hung over is shoulders. Toshiya gave him an awkward grin and moved over to his dresser. “Still watching the clock?” he asked as he opened the dresser and pulled out a pair of pajama pants.
“Yeah...I’m worried,” he sighed and began picking at the dirt beneath his nails. “What is he going to do when he gets out? I don’t think my dad is gonna take him back, and there is no room for him here.”
“Why don’t you give your dad a call tomorrow and find out?” Toshiya asked.
Kyo shook his head. “It just seems like a really bad idea. My dad placing too much stress on him was the reason he started hurting himself in the first place. I can only the imagine how awkward everything is going to be. My dad agreed to send him there...”
“I’m sure there will be a certain amount of understanding between why Kaoru did what he did and how your father reacted...given all that has happened to him, I’m sure they can both reach an understanding. And if not, there are half-way homes for people like Kaoru to go to and slowly reintegrate themselves into, and once a year I can place a patient on the list to be moved into that home, all expenses paid,” Toshiya said. He pulled up his pants and moved over to the bed.
He sat down and placed an arm over Kyo’s shoulders. “He’s going to be alright, don’t you worry. From what I hear, he has really changed since the whole...affair with Bou,” Toshiya cringed a little. “If anything I am more worried about him getting in trouble with the hospital or the law for what he is doing with that boy than him going off the deep end again and trying to pursue Hayashi or Matsumoto.”
Kyo swallowed hard. Hayashi and Matsumoto. Toshiya still did not know they were dead. Should he bring it up, especially after what had happened that almost pushed the living representation of his stability to the cliff’s edge? Maybe it would bring him relief...if anything. Toshiya needed to know.
He bit his lip. He did not want to let him know that he had been answering his calls without his permission. It seemed like such a violation of privacy; would he be upset? “I have to tell you something,” Kyo said quietly, feeling as though he were a child confessing up to having eaten all the cookies.
“What is it? Are you alright?” Toshiya asked gently, looking over his face quickly and then looking down at his arms to check for new cuts.
Kyo closed his eyes and took in a deep breath; something hurt him about the fact that Toshiya had looked immediately to his arms. Something like that would not have bothered him a few months ago in the hospital. “...I answered your phone earlier, back when we were at the hospital...” he said quietly, almost beneath his breath. He stared down at his lap and refused to look up at Toshiya. “Matsumoto and Hayashi are dead.”
“What?” Toshiya’s voice sounded mostly of shock.
“Matsumoto killed Hayashi, and then killed himself last night,” Kyo said. Finally, he looked up. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to go into your things like that, I just answered it to tell them that you weren’t available and when I heard who it was, I just couldn’t help myself and kept talking to them.”
Toshiya nodded slowly, seeming as though he were taking the information in and processing it. Kyo watched his face close for any signs of anger or disappointment, but he saw none. “It’s alright, I’m just glad you told me instead of allowing me to be in the dark about what had happened.”
“You’re not mad at me for answering your phone?”
Toshiya smiled softly. “Of course not. It’s not that big of a deal, especially seeing as you told me about it. I can understand why you would at first think that it was alright, too. You spent so long living in the hospital where you had no such privacies, it’s understandable that it is all your used to,” he said. “But you understand, still, the concept of privacy, which is good. Thank you for telling me, it was all I could ask.”
Kyo hugged Toshiya. “Thank you,” was all he could manage before he felt his throat tighten with the threat of sobs. It still had not completely sunk in that he was no longer in the hospital, that every thing he dreamed of was now at his disposal. He was still trying to get used to the bathroom without looking over his shoulder for a doctor entering the room and here Toshiya was, offering him even more.
“Don’t get upset, it’s okay. I love you Kyo, and I’m in this with you til the end. Don’t worry,” he whispered.
Kyo took in a deep breath, enjoying the scent of Toshiya’s bodywash for a moment before pulling away. He kissed Toshiya on the cheek. “I love you too.” he said.
Toshiya smiled. “Now come on, we have to get some sleep. We’re picking up your brother and it’s going to be a bit of a long day tomorrow,” he smiled.
Kyo nodded. “Alright.”
* * * *
Shinya tossed and turned, staring up at his ceiling and feeling his skin begin to burn and itch. He had cut too deep the night before and had woozily sewn the wound back together. He couldn’t help himself, he just wanted to make the decision making a little easier, something to clear his mind of all the painful thoughts. It had turned out to be a mistake, and his mind had only become cloudy from the pain.
He stared at his messily sewn wound and was tempted to take out the threads and redo it, but he did not want the bleeding to start again. He would just have to deal with it until he was sure it wouldn’t pop open from the stress of the everyday life. He sighed, looking over at the clock and realizing it was almost that time. He would have to put on his dress clothes and go into work, like he did everyday, and pretend that there was nothing wrong with him.
He would walk down the hall into the inpatient unit and sit down with Kaoru one last time, and it would be his time to leave too. He would have to see the disappointment on Die’s face when he discovered what he had done and then he would have to speak with his newest patient, Bou, and decide what to do with the poor boy. And he would lead the group sessions and talk to all those young men about how to handle their lives better when he in fact could not even manage his own.
What a hypocrite he was.
It had never bothered him so much, the deception and the lies. He was used to it all, he at one point had pride in how well he hid his issues from everyone’s sight. Now it ate at him, tearing away pieces of his confidence over and over until he felt like that frightened lonely child again.
How he wished things would go back to normal.
He loved Die with all his heart, but he couldn’t help but feel the chaos in his world was caused by Die. Originally, Die showing up when he was a teenager set off the chain of events that had landed him in his self-mutilating ways and his near death experience. But it had sent him to a greater height, making his name renowned in the psychological world. And then Die shows up again, and that chaos resumes tenfold in even more horrifying ways--and more people got hurt this time.
He sat up and looked down at wound still, pursing his lips thinking about what he would do over the course of the next few days. He had spent all night thinking about it, screaming into his pillow out of frustration and wanting to rip out his hair. But...he had to do it.
At least he had a few days to get his affairs in order and work things out with his patients before he did it.
Shinya up and walked into his bathroom, ready to start another day full of lies.
* * * *
Kaoru held Bou close to him, both of them with their backs to the door, keeping it shut. His eyes were shut, enjoying every moment of the youth’s skin on his. It felt so soft and different form his skin...it was comforting, and it made the world seem to disappear. The only thing that seemed to matter was the boy in his arms, resting warmly up to him. Bou’s grib suddenly tightened for a moment and then relaxed.
He opened his eyes and looked down at him, just in time to catch tear drops falling off of his eyelashes. “What’s wrong?” he asked in a soft voice, stroking Bou’s hair.
“Nothing,” he responded and promptly wiped away the moisture.
“Seriously, what’s wrong?” he asked again, more persistent. It was almost like seeing his brother cry; it made him begin to choke up. It all the time he had been on the inpatient unit...he had not seen Bou cry.
“It’s stupid...”
“Just tell me,” Kaoru prodded.
“It’s just...you’re going to leave today and I’m going to be stuck all alone in this place with no one that understands me or wants to be my friend. The only one who will be nice to me is Die and I really don’t know him that well,” he said. “And I don’t know if I will get to see you again. I mean, how can I? My parents already think I’m a freak of nature, what are they going to think when they see me going out with someone who is twice my age? And what if you just up and leave and never look back? I don’t want to feel alone again...”
Kaoru pulled him close and allowed him to sob for a moment, staring at the wall beyond and trying to sort out in his head what he would say. He hadn’t thought that far ahead, about what his parents would say to such an unconventional relationship, and an illegal one at that. “I’m not going to leave you behind, especially not in this kind of place. I will find a way to visit you until you get out,” he said quietly. “And I won’t just leave, I am going to stay with you. I know we really haven’t even known each other that long, but I really like you Bou, and I’m not willing to throw away what we have. I think it’s...different.”
Bou looked up at him, his eyes blood shot. He strange smirk came across his face and he sighed oddly. “I can’t explain it Kaoru, I just can’t. Why do I like you so much? I’ve never actually wanted to be around to someone so much, or to enjoy their company. That was what made my job so easy compared to others, I wasn’t supposed to have these feelings for people,” he half-laughed. “What did you do to me?”
“I don’t know, but you cast some sort of strange spell on me too, kiddo,” he said, messing up Bou’s hair. “I was very...different when I came to this unit.”
“I know...I’ve been wanting to ask you about that, but I was always too worried I would offend you,” Bou said nervously, seeming as though he wanted to take back his statement.
Kaoru closed his eyes and felt a cold chill run through his body. His relationship with Bou had distracted him from what had happened to his mind for those few weeks he was stuck under the control of Yoshiki once again. He had not wanted to think about it, he did not want to acknowledge what his mind had made him do and say. “It’s hard to explain, and it’s not a good story to listen to,” he said, his eyes still closed. He had broken out in gooseskin, thinking about the touch of Hayashi, the screaming off all those who had died around him. It had been so long since their tortured faces popped up in his mind to torment him.
“I’ll listen...” Bou said gently.
Kaoru stared at him. “No one ever wants to hear the stories. Not even my brother could stand to hear what had happened, he only know the half of it. I cannot burden you with what happened,” he said softly, feeling his eyes burn. Suddenly, that feeling, the desire to harm himself began to dance in his head. He forced it away, mumbling a line that had just popped up in his head, “And all the black-winged boys in the land; Not one could escape the ending of the fable; Each one would twist and scream; Each one become Death’s archangel.”
“I want to hear the story, tell me,” he implored. “I won’t turn away. Kyo told me about how you disappeared and were gone for a really long time, how they thought you were dead, and then they found you in that horrible place.”
Kaoru nodded. “In that place, we were stripped of everything. We were given new names, new identities, told to behave a certain way, dress a certain way, and it was a miracle if only one of us died each week. I was given the name Yume-chan,” he said, stroking his chest.
“That is why you have that scar?” Bou asked.
“Yes, that was the first part of becoming one of Yoshiki’s ‘dolls’. He was sick and twisted...he lived in a fantasy were everyone was a doll to him. If his dolls behaved poorly, they would be subjected to ‘purification’....”
Bou nodded, showing that he knew what that meant.
“If you tried to escape, cried to much, didn’t sit the right way, say the right things...anything...he would kill you. I once saw a boy get his eyes cut out for looking at him the wrong way...he died a few days later. I think from an infection. But this went on every day, and I was told that my mind reacted the only way it could. I began to have feelings for my captor, and in the end that is what saved me.”
“What about that crazy pink haired guy?” Bou asked.
“His name was Aki, when I knew him. We went to school together, and he had been stuck with Yoshiki longer than I had. Yoshiki tried to kill him the day I was rescued. He would kill the defective ones with a hammer, and he had tried to do that to Aki. But he survived, and he was the reason I was rescued. I don’t remember a lot about that day, just wondering if I was next. I was the only one left alive, like Yoshiki knew his time was up and he was trying to get rid of all of us. They say I was found amongst the corpses and rotting boys, but it’s so hard to remember them that way. After a while, I began seeing them as dolls too.
“But Aki...I thought he had died. Turns out he had lived and had his face fixed. From what I understand, he turned into the same thing Yoshiki was. He got a new name to, Matsumoto Hideto. He would skin people alive who had good skin or nice tattoos. Then he ended up here, with Yoshiki...who knew the Master and his two victims would end up in the same place?” Kaoru shook his head. He felt...blank, but weightless.
“Yoshiki discovered I was here...in a freak accident, really. He tried to make Hara-sensei and Shinya his next dolls, and by chance we saved them. And he saw me...and something that I spent so long repressing came to the surface. When Hideto came to the hospital, he was after Yoshiki, and found me as well. He tried to kill me, to get at Yoshiki, and left us both for dead. That survival mode went off again in my head I guess, as Yoshiki was holding me and I was bleeding to death,” he began stroking his scarred neck. “And there I was, stuck again in his little web, and obeying his every command. Acting the way he wanted me to, even though he wasn’t there.”
Kaoru took in a deep breath, pulling himself back to reality. It took him a moment to push away the images of all those he had seen die, and he found Bou staring back at him, his eyes even redder and his cheeks flushed. “And then you came along...and something happened,” he whispered, stroking Bou’s moist cheek. Suddenly, a wave of emotions hit him, so many at once he could not decipher which particular emotion began making his tears flow. “I don’t know what you did to break his hold on me, I don’t know how you did it, but you did and that is what make you so special to me. I don’t want to lose you.”
“Kaoru...” Bou’s face twisted up as he tried not to cry anymore. “I think I love you.”
Kaoru’s chest tightened and he threw his arms around Bou. “I think I love you too,” he said and bowed his head, allowing his tears to drip straight into the floor.
They sat there for a long time, just holding each other and sobbing. Even though they were both crying...it was the most wonderful feeling Kaoru had ever felt.
Was this really what love felt like?
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