Akai Batsu to Shiroi Ai - Chapter Forty-Three
Shinya moaned as Die licked his neck while simultaneously thrusting into him, twisting the bed sheets in his hands out of pending anxiety. His entire body shuddered at the stimulation and erupted into goose skin as he tried to remain quiet. He kept glancing at the door, expecting a nurse or orderly to come in and catch them in the act; it was dizzying to think about, and completely exciting.
He wrapped his legs tighter around Die and let go of the bed sheets, sitting up against him and wrapping his arms around his back. Die sat down cross legged on the bed and gave a devious grin. “Where did you learn this position?” he grunted, sucking at Shinya’s neck towards the back so his hair would cover the hickey he was about to leave.
“Internet porn,” Shinya gasped, shuddering again from the sudden deepness of the penetration.
“I don’t know what that is but keep watching it,” he gasped. Die closed his eyes, thrusting into Shinya’s strategic movements. He was shocked by the feeling still, all the unique sensations starting to push him over the edge. He let out a gasp as Shinya bit into his shoulder, muffling a groan that could have possible given away what they were doing at that exact moment. He could feel that pressure building in him, that little tickle that told him he was about to explode.
He wanted to tell Shinya to slow down so he could enjoy it more, but he could not help himself. “Shinya, I can’t-“
“I know, I’m going to, too,” Shinya gasped, and dug his nails into Die’s back, his movements becoming faster and harder.
Die let out a steady breathe, the sudden grinding making him see stars. He bit his lip and tilted his pelvis up into Shinya’s movements, letting him do most of the work and finding it all the more appealing. Shinya groaned loudly and buried his face in Die’s shoulder, his entrance spasming and contracting around Die’s cock as he came.
“Don’t stop, I’m almost there,” Die groaned, grabbing Shinya’s bony hips and practically bouncing him up and down on himself. Shinya gasped out of surprise and let out a long groan, sounding like it was a mixture of pain, surprise, and pleasure. Die bit his lip again and tried to keep in his moan as he came, his entire body bursting into a series of spasms and twitches.
“Oh shit,” he gasped, falling back onto the bed and closing his eyes. He felt Shinya move off of him and heard him walk to the bathroom to clean himself up. He did not care about the mess at that moment, he just wanted to lie there forever and savor the feeling. Nothing else matter to him, just that wonderful emptiness of an orgasm. He felt like a completely different person when he was just lying there, his noisy mind was at peace.
He opened one eye as he heard Shinya walk back over to him, fixing his pants and buckling his belt. He tossed a towel onto his crotch and smirked. “Clean up before someone comes in here and finds you like that, all naked with the good splayed out for all to see,” he said. He sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked Die’s hair.
“Ugh, you’re being a party pooper. Stop pooping on my party,” Die laughed, sitting up and using the towel clean himself off. He reached for his pants and pulled them back on, wiggling and twisting awkwardly on the bed to pull them up.
He moved to the side and gestured for Shinya to lay down on the bed with him. Shinya glanced back at the door, a concerned look on his face. “Stop playing it safe now,” Die said, patting the spot next to him.
“Only for a little, then we have to go have one last group before Kaoru is discharged,” he said.
“Deal,” Die smiled as Shinya lay down next to him. He wrapped his arms around him and snuggled up to him, enjoying the subtle scent of his cologne and shampoo. It was a smell he longed for during the nights, when he would lay awake in his bed starting at the ceiling, waiting for his eyelids to give out or for the sun to come up. For some reason, sleep still evaded him.
“How have you been dealing with the thought of being the last one here? I mean, you, Kaoru, and Kyo were locked up together for years. Is it hard for you to think you’re still left here?” Shinya suddenly asked, his voice flat and emotionless.
Die waited for a moment to see if Shinya would turn his head to acknowledge any expression on his face, but he did not move. Something was not right. “I’m a little bit put off by it, Kyo and Kaoru were always so extreme with what they did and I’ve always seen myself as the more mild version, just more stubborn. But I’m getting better, with good reason, and I’m scared that Kyo left prematurely. As for Kaoru, I have no idea what is going on with him. He has always been a mystery,” Die admitted. “It’s weird, but I think the fact I’m staying in a bit longer is for the best, just for me. I want to be sure I can be normal, and ready for what awaits me on the outside. I have to say…I’m a bit scared by it. How much has the world changed since I’ve been in here?”
“It’s not too bad, new laws and such but I think you’ll adjust to it just fine,” Shinya said, a strange hesitation in his voice.
There was a long silence between them, and something felt very wrong and uneasy to Die. He took in a deep breath and wrapped his arms even tighter around Shinya, trying to bring the stiffness and awkwardness out of his body. What was going on? He had thought everything was getting better for Shinya since his patients were leaving and getting better, the horrors from Toshiya’s unit were gone, and it seemed as though the things with his mother had been deal with. What else was keeping Shinya from happiness?
Was it something that he was doing? Was the suffering they both felt for each other for so long too much, even after they had reunited?
The thought of that was terrifying, but a small piece of Die understood if that was the case. He still had those urges to knock himself into oblivion and just sleep. The nightmares were gone, but that tugging feeling in his heart was not. For some reason, the pain he had felt from Shinya’s absence was so easy to envision and remember. He could not understand it, and that alone terrified him for his future.
“What is it, Shinya? What did I do wrong?” Die finally asked, sitting up.
Shinya looked at him, confused. “What makes you think you did something wrong?” he asked quietly.
“Because you’re not happy, you’re tense, I know there is something wrong. I figure I did something to make you unhappy,” Die shrugged, looking apologetically at Shinya.
Shinya shook his head and sat up. “That’s not it at all,” he said, then looked away from Die quickly.
“Then what is it?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“Tell me,” he said forcefully. “I kills me to look at you and see that you’re hurting when I could be doing something to help you feel better.”
“I’m not so sure anyone can make me feel better,” Shinya said solemnly, refusing to look up.
“I’m not anyone,” Die stared at him for a long time, trying to read what was going on behind those eyes. Shinya was so good at hiding his thoughts, he was a psychologist after all. He had no idea what could be going on in that head of his.
“I don’t think you can help me with this one, Die,” he finally said, looking at him blankly. “Only I can fix this one…”
“But what is it?” Die asked. “Please, just let me try to help-“
“No…this is something no one can help with. It’s all on me,” Shinya broke eye contact and looked down at his lap. “I’m sorry, but it’s something I have to do…I just don’t know if it’s the right thing.”
Die swallowed hard. “What exactly are you talking about?”
Shinya shook his head. “I can’t discuss it now, I don’t want anyone influencing my decision. This is for me and only me, I know it has to be done. I just don’t know if I have the courage or the strength to do it. I mean, I’ve been wanting to do it for so long, but I’ve been so afraid of the pain associated with it…”
A knock came at the door. “Come in,” Shinya said quickly, as though wanting to escape the conversation.
A nurse walked in. “I’m sorry if I am interrupting a session, but Niikura-san’s transportation is here, so we might need to rush his final group a little,” she said.
“Alright, I’ll be there in a moment,” Shinya said. He moved off the bed and stood up, straightening his clothes and shutting his eyes for a moment. He took a step forward, but Die grabbed his arm from the bed.
His heart was racing, his mind running wild with a horrendous thought of what Shinya was talking about. “Please…what are you going to do?” he begged, his eyes beginning to fill with tears at the thought of it.
“What is best for everyone,” Shinya said sternly, gently prying Die’s finger’s from around his arm and moving towards the door. “Come on, it’s time to say goodbye to Kaoru.”
“…I’ll be out in a minute,” Die said, still sitting on the bed and staring straight down at the bed sheets. Shinya left without another word, leaving Die all alone in the room. He felt a sharp pain rip through his chest and fell back onto the bed, rubbing the tears from his eyes and running his fingers harshly through his hair, pulling at the roots as he tried to deal with the message his mind was sending him.
“Don’t fucking do it, don’t you dare fucking doing it,” he said aloud through his teeth, his head beginning to feel light and suddenly feeling short of breath. He sat up quickly and punched the nightstand next to his bed, pain exploding up his arm as the skin on his knuckles split open. “Don’t you fucking do it…”
* * * * *
Kyo tapped his foot nervously as he sat in the waiting room with Toshiya, constantly looking at the locked door of the inpatient unit he had been on only a few days before. His brother was being released and his mind was running wild with all the things they could do. He looked at Toshiya, then back to the door. He wanted to go kick down the door and drag his brother out by his hair, but he managed to control himself just enough and put all of his nervous energy into tapping his foot.
“Calm down, he has to go through one more group session before he can leave,” Toshiya said with a smile, placing a hand on Kyo’s shoulder.
“I know, I’m just so excited for him to get out and see the world,” Kyo said, looking at the doctor. He couldn’t hide his smile, his eyes having been lit up with a sense of wonder and joy since they got in the car to pick his brother up. “But I’m nervous, what if he doesn’t adjust well to the halfway home you set him up in?”
Toshiya shook his head. “It’s a wonderful facility for people dealing with depression and other issues to reintegrate themselves into society after prolonged periods inside these facilities, he’ll do fine. I’ve never had someone sent there and get sent back to the hospital. And you can go visit him every day if you want to make sure he is adjusting,” he said. “Now calm down and be patient, you’re like a 5 year old right now.”
Kyo looked back at the door and sighed. He was trying to think of what to do first with Kaoru. He could dip into his saved up money and buy him some clothes for the halfway house, or maybe they could go back and visit their old high school, or go buy alcohol legally! It was so exciting, the possibilities.
Finally, the door opened and there stood Shinya, holding the door open for Kaoru. “I’m going to be going to your halfway home for follow-ups, so you haven’t escaped me yet,” he said to Kaoru with a smile.
Kaoru hugged Shinya, clearly catching him off guard. “Thank you so much, I don’t think if I had another doctor I would have ever been given this opportunity,” he said softly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded up piece of paper. “Please give this to Bou?”
“Of course,” Shinya nodded and placed it into his pocket. He then looked at Kyo and Toshiya. “How are you doing?”
“Fucking fantastic,” Kyo said as he rushed up to Kaoru and threw his arms around him. “You’re free, bro!”
“I know, it’s kinda’ freaky,” Kaoru laughed, hugging his brother right back.
Something about that hug filled Kyo with even more happiness, something about that sense of freedom they both had. Kaoru was the only thing that had kept him sane while he was stuck in the hospital for a decade, the only thing he felt like he had to live for, and now they were both free. It was time for a new life.
* * * * *
Toshiya folded his arms and looked out the glass doors and Kyo and Kaoru sat on bench outside, just sitting and talking and laughing. He sighed and looked at Shinya, smiling faintly. “It’s so strange to see them interact outside of the hospital, even though they are just a few feet from the doors,” Toshiya shook his head. “When I took on their cases a few years ago, I never thought I would be looking at them on the outside, let alone with all the personal developments that have happened since you came here.”
Shinya nodded. “I never imagined what would happen when I came here. I just heard about these three young men who were said to be untreatable, and I wanted to help,” he sighed. “I never thought they would change my life in the way it has…”
“They really are remarkable, aren’t they?” Toshiya asked. “It’s taken so long, but I feel like my whole life has been changed by all of them as well.”
“Yeah,” Shinya said, looking out blankly at the parking lot. “How are things at your place with Kyo? Has he had any relapses?”
Toshiya bit his lip. He didn’t want to mention the suicide attempt, it was just one slip up. “He did cut himself once, but since then he has been able to resist the urge to harm himself, even when I leave him alone,” he said softly, looking out at Kyo as he laughed with a big grin on his face. “He’s improved a lot, but there is still so much he has to adjust to I’m accepting the little victories for him.”
Shinya nodded. “It’s good you’re being realistic with his abilities, it’s going to be a long time before he is fully recovered,” he said softly.
“I think he is expecting too much of himself right now, it’s like he wants to be better right now at this very moment and the fact he isn’t is really getting to him. I don’t know how to make him understand that these things take time,” Toshiya sighed. “One step at a time I guess. But enough about my frustrations, how are things going with Die?”
Shinya looked at him blankly again, catching Toshiya off guard. What was going on with him? “Good, he’s a bit upset about the fact he is the last one stuck in the hospital, but he is staying in for his own reasons, I think. He wants to be sure he can handle the stress of the outside world,” Shinya smiled weakly.
Toshiya nodded and looked down. Something was very off about Shinya, but he did not want to push the issue any further and make him uncomfortable. He shoved his hands in his pocket and looked out the glass door, back at Kyo and Kaoru. “Well, I should be getting Kaoru to the halfway home so he can settle in, and watching those two is going to be like taking care of toddlers in men’s bodies,” Toshiya smiled.
“Alright, take good care of Kaoru, he has really made some fantastic improvements,” Shinya said. He then sighed placed a hand on Toshiya’s shoulder. “It was good to see you again.”
Toshiya looked awkwardly at him and nodded in agreement. “Take care,” he said, pushing the door open with his foot and looking back at Shinya as he moved outside. Something was very wrong with Shinya.
* * * * *
Shinya moved down the hall, his palms becoming clammy and moist as his nerves built. He had spent most of the night deciding what to write in his letter to Fujimitsu, constantly deleting and rewriting every sentence until it sounded perfect. He was unsure about what he was going to do, still, but the moment he laid that letter on the director’s desk, he knew there would be no going back. No room to runaway and hide like he had for so long. He had to do it.
He knocked on the door to Fujimitsu’s office, just to double check and make sure he had gone home for the day. He wanted to be sure no one would discover his letter until the next day, and by then it would be too late to talk him out of it.
No one answered.
He tugged at the door, making sure it was locked so he could not get in nor send anyone in after the letter. Locked.
He stared at the little mail slot on the door, like it was the mouth of a hungry and angry dog waiting to bite him. Shinya reached into his pocket and withdrew the envelope addressed to Fujimitsu, looking at it and wondering if he should just rip it up and turn around. He could still walk away from his decision, he could still change his mind about what he was going to do.
No. He had to do this. It was for the best, no matter how much it would hurt.
He had to do it.
Shinya lifted the metal flap to the mail slot and, holding his breath, pushed the envelope in as fast as he could, treating it like removing a bandaid. His heart began racing, realizing this was it. The decision was made, if he didn’t follow through now, he would seem like a fake and liar. Nothing would be accomplished if he did not follow through.
He had no choice now.
He turned away from the door and moved down the hall to his office, his heart still racing and his steady breathing turning into gasping. He could feel an anxiety attack coming on by the thought of what he had just done, but he had to remain calm, and keep reminding himself of why he had to do it. He stopped in front of his office door and stared at his name plate on the frosted window. Terachi Shinya, P.h.D.
Shinya ran his fingers over the indented words and smiled to himself. He had worked so hard for those three little letters following his name. And now…it all seemed like it was for nothing.
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