Akai Batsu to Shiroi Ai - Chapter Forty-four
“I wonder what Kaoru is doing right now?” Kyo asked, staring up at the ceiling of Toshiya’s room with his hands clasped behind his head.
“He’s probably been awake for a couple of hours now, they still have a slight schedule to stick to in there,” Toshiya said groggily, lifting his head for a moment to acknowledge Kyo’s question before letting his head fall heavily into his pillows.
“Well that sucks for him,” Kyo said, continuing to stare up at the ceiling. He chewed nervously on the inside of his mouth, wondering just what his brother might have to go through in that place. Shinya and Toshiya barely scratched the surface when it came to Kaoru’s past and what had happened to him, and now his brother had an all new therapist. How would Kaoru deal with having to share those intimate details with someone he hardly knew or trusted? Even Kyo did not know the whole truth, and a part of him did not want to know. Just the thought of it filled him with so many painful emotions he would go mad if he thought too much about it.
Kaoru had had a problem with self-mutilation before he was taken by Hayashi, how could they begin to treat the initial problem Kaoru had if they had to weed through the trauma and horrors that he had been through afterwards? Did his brother’s therapist have any training with someone of his problems, could he handle the horrific details that made even a seasoned therapist’s stomach churn?
Kyo shut his eyes and tried to imagine what his brother had been like the day before. He did not want to think of his as falling apart already. He had to focus on his brother being okay. It would all be okay…
But would it be for him? He had another nightmare…about him…
“Kyo?” Toshiya began.
He opened his eyes and rolled onto his side to look at Toshiya. “Yes?” he asked in a cheerful voice, trying to mask what was running through his mind. He would not be a burden…
“Are you alright?” Toshiya asked, his voice filled with concern and hesitation.
Kyo looked his face up and down several times. “What do you mean?” he asked.
“After last night?”
“What are you talking about?” Kyo asked, sitting up and stretching his arms behind him.
Toshiya looked at him and then looked away. “You had a nightmare last night,” he said softly, then squeezed his eyes shut. “You kinda’ hit me in the face and were shoving me off the bed in your sleep.”
He looked at the hesitant doctor and then sighed, looking down at the bunched up blankets in his lap and sighed. He could not escape his problems in his sleep, and neither could Toshiya. Was he doomed to be this way forever? Affecting everyone who could ever feel a caring sentiment for him?
“I’m sorry,” was all he could muster. He pulled back the sheets and got out of bed, standing there for a moment and looking around Toshiya’s room. This was not his place, it did not feel like his home yet. Even though Toshiya referred to it as “their” place together, he felt like a stranger.
“It’s alright, I’m not mad or anything, I was just wondering if you needed to talk about it or something,” Toshiya said quickly, sitting up and throwing the covers back.
“Don’t worry about it, I’m just gonna go take a shower…I need some time to think,” he said quietly and moved into the bathroom.
Kyo shut the door and locked it softly, not wanting to seem as though he was in a rush to get away from Toshiya. He leaned against the door and let his head fall back against it with a soft ‘thud’. Those feelings of despair and utter helplessness were striking once again, just as hard as they always did. He would never be free no matter how hard he tried, he would never be able to forget about Jaaku or his mother. There were so many times he just wanted to end it, so many times he thought he could swallow another bottle of pills or do something more permanent every time Toshiya went out, but he would stop himself simply because he did not want the man he loved to find him in whatever state he may die in.
But suicide…the freedom to do it now was so tempting, like a constant itch in the back of his mind.
With a heavy sigh, he walked over to the shower and turned on the faucet, cranking the heat all the way up. He stripped off the little clothing he had on and moved over to the mirror, noticing the edge of it beginning to fog up from the steam of the shower. His face was healing slowly, still damaged from the fight he had gotten in with Kaoru, and the scars and cuts were beginning to heal as well. It was so strange to not have those bits of skin rip open again and feel that familiar and wonderful sting. He missed that escape so much, the dizzying high and the warmth of his blood dripping down his flesh…
The thought alone brought forth a sickening shudder and he looked down at his scarred body. What if he did get better? He would have to live with the damage he had done for the rest of his life, and it was obvious all of his wounds were self-inflicted. He would forever been seen as a freak, unless he wanted to wear long sleeves for the rest of his life.
No escape.
No future.
He was fucked.
Kyo shook his head and moved over to the shower, pulling back the curtain and embracing the wall of steam that meet his bare skin. He shut his eyes and thought about his nightmare, the horrific things he had to relive in his dream world. He had gotten very good at pushing down the memories and letting them fester into a disturbing form of self hatred, but he could not do that in his sleep. It was impossible.
The words echoed louder, the little noises that made his hair stand on end seemed to be more prominent, the lingering tingle he would feel even when he woke up...
He quickly stepped into the shower, nearly cracking his teeth as he ground them together to keep from screaming out in shock. The boiling hot water pelted his skin like little droplets of acid, so hot they seemed to leave a cold, freezing feeling on his skin. He hunched over to protect his groin from the flaming hot water for the time being, his eyes unintentionally forming tears as the water pelted into his skin like nails.
After a few moments he stood up straight and ran his fingers through his hair, bracing himself for the next wave of pain he was about to inflict on himself. He turned around to face the shower head, allowing the acid spewing from the faucet to hit him in the face and run down to his most private and sensitive parts.
He let out a small groan and dug his nails into his hands, repeating over and over in his mind that he needed to wash away the memory of the nightmare. He needed to free himself, to clean himself, from that thought.
He wanted to be pure, and if he had to burn off every inch of his flesh to do it then he would.
* * * * *
He paced back and forth in front of his run down childhood home, looking up at the door for a moment and then focusing his attention back on the ground. He had to do it and get back before Toshiya came back from getting things at his office. He had maybe an hour at the most. In all honesty, he did not even need that hour of time to accomplish what he set out to do, but trying to muster the courage to walk into his own home was nerve wracking. How could he face her?
He took a few steps towards the door and stopped, swallowing hard and trying to force himself to relax. Why was he afraid? Why was his heart beating as though his abuser stood behind that door?
“Tooru?”
Kyo jumped and looked at the door, his mother standing there with the door barely cracked open and her head sticking out. “Hi,” he said, surprised by the softness of his voice.
“Come in,” she said, opening the door and disappearing around the corner.
Kyo looked into the dark hallway, sudden memories flashing in his mind of being dragged down that hallway by his hair when he tried to get away from Jaaku.
It was his mother that had dragged him back to him…
‘I’m okay,’ he told himself and walked rigidly through the doorway, shutting the door behind him and looking around. It had been cleaned up a little since he had last been there, and it only reeked a little bit of booze and crack this time.
“What brings you by for a visit?” his mother asked from the staircase, having taken a seat a few steps up the stairs. She had a cigarette in her hand and a bottle of pocari sweat in the other, though Kyo knew vodka was mixed in with it.
“I have to talk with you,” Kyo said, again surprised by the tone of his voice. He felt so much rage and hatred, yet none of it was conveyed in his voice at all.
“Talk,” she said, leaning her shoulder and head against the wall.
Kyo looked around, trying to see if there were other people in the house. Much to his surprise, there were none. He suddenly felt blank, like he was floating on a cloud and disoriented. He moved over and stood in front of her, but did not approach her. Her face was weathered and looked older than it should, and it was clear she had not bathed in some time. He wondered for a moment how long it had been since she left her own home.
“You knew what was happening to me for those years…you knew what Jaaku was doing to me and you never tried to stop it. You help him. You did everything he asked. Why?” Kyo asked blankly, his eyes burning without tears.
She looked at him and licked her lips before taking another drag of her cigarette. “I dunno what you’re talking about,” she said as she breathed out the smoke.
“Don’t lie,” Kyo snapped, relieved that finally some of his anger was showing. What was happening? Why was his mind locking in his rage? He usually shook and snapped and reacted violently in every way possible.
“I’m not lying, baby,” she said, lifting her head from the wall for a moment before letting it fall back against it.
“You never treated me like your baby, so don’t talk to me like I’m yours,” Kyo growled. Little by little, he felt it bubbling up. It was refreshing…that anger. “I am here to find out why you did what you did. Why did you let him do those things to me? Why didn’t you help me?”
“I didn’t do anything-“
“Exactly!” he shouted. She jumped, startled by his tone. “You didn’t do a god damn thing, unless he told you to make me stay. You were so fucking set on pleasing him. Why? Was he just that good in the sack?”
“I don’t know, why don’t you tell me, you fucking faggot slut!” she snapped back.
“Don’t you fucking go there, you worthless piece of trash-“
“At least I can survive without having to cut up my skin like some dysfunctional lunatic!”
Kyo moved forward and slapped her across the face, her head slapping into the wall. “I’m the dysfunctional lunatic? Me? I did what I had to so I wouldn’t kill myself, you selfish fucking whore!” He grabbed her greasy hair and with all his strength, yanked her face first into the stairs she sat on. She skid down the steps and pushed her lit cigarette into Kyo’s arm while she shouted incoherently.
“I didn’t do shit to you, you fucking brat!” she screamed.
Kyo pulled his arm away from the cigarette and slapped it out of her hand. “You think that shit hurts? Not in a million fucking years, you cunt,” he spat. Without thought, he kicked her hard in the gut, not at all feeling pity for a moment and she cried out in pain. He stood over her, glaring down as she gasped for breath and mumbled beneath her breath. He had the overwhelming urge to kick her again, to make her suffer like he had, but he something was stopping him.
“I was raped by your piece of shit boyfriend for years, and just when I was getting better he came back and raped me again. I am this way because of him, and because you never did a god damn thing to stop him. I can never make you feel the pain of what he put me through, but I want you to know right now that I will never forgive you for what you did, I will never see you as my mother,” Kyo said through his teeth. “I hope you choke on your vodka and pills.”
Without another word or a second thought, he opened the front door and walked out, the sun nearly blinding him after having been in the dark house. He stood there for a moment, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the sunlight and enjoying the warmth on his skin.
Something about that moment, that blinding light and the tingling sensation it left on him…something was just so perfect about it that he wanted it to never end.
As his eyes adjusted to the world around him, he paid no heed to the dirty house behind him or the terrible neighborhood he had to walk through. He focused in on the bus stop, where he was head. And as soon as that bus rolled up to get him, it would take him home. To his home.
* * * * *
Die stared blankly at the wall as their last group of the day began, not taking in a single word that their group leader was saying. Shinya…he had not been there all day. He had not stopped in to check on him. He had not left a message. Nothing.
He was nowhere to be seen.
What did he do? Where was he? Was he mad at Die for prying into his life? Was this a way of breaking up with him? Did he realize the relationship was too risky? What was he doing at that moment? Was he thinking about Die? Was he thinking about another guy?
Was he even alive?
Die balled his fists and tried to push that idea out of his mind. There was no way Shinya would have ever taken his own life, not after all they had been through together. Not after they had found each other again…
“Die?” Bou’s voice snapped him out of his panicky thoughts.
“Yeah?” he asked, looking around the room and realizing that everyone was staring at him.
“It’s your turn,” the group leader said.
Die shook his head. “No, I pass,” he said. “I don’t want to talk today. Don’t pressure me, I just…I just need to get to bed.”
He got up quickly and rushed off to his room, completely ignoring the calls of the group leader and Aiji. He shut his door quickly and pressed his back to the door, making sure no one would try to walk in.
Where was Shinya?
“God, please, protect him,” Die said softly, closing his eyes and trying to push away the sadness and despair that was taking over his heart. He had tried to ignore everything Shinya said, he had tried to pretend he never said any of it and that it was all in a really bad dream.
But no one had heard from Shinya. He had not even called in to say he needed the day off.
“Don’t let this be happening, please, don’t let this happen,” Die moaned, sinking against the door and covering his face with his hands. He suddenly began sobbing so uncontrollably he felt as though he were convulsing, unable to stop himself nor catch his breath. “Don’t do this to me, please don’t do this to me. Not again, not again, not again.”
His body suddenly became very weak and he collapsed into himself, his arms lazily hanging off of his knees and making no effort to stifle his tears or runny nose.
What did he do wrong? He thought he had been making Shinya happy! Why did Shinya want to end it? Why did he speak so horribly after everything Die tried to do? He was even getting better for Shinya, and yet that did not seem like it was enough. He just wanted to make Shinya happy…and now the only person he had ever loved was going to kill himself.
Maybe he already had.
Die slammed his head hard against the door, his body suddenly overcome with a cold sensation that turned to a painful numbness. Oh, that feeling…that sweet release…
He pulled his head forward. No. He could not do it, he had to stop himself. He was getting better, not worse. He was going to get released soon.
But what was his release without Shinya?
Again, he slammed his head into the door, so hard he could see little black spots floating in his line of vision. He did it again. More black spots.
A knock came from the other side of the door. “Die, are you okay?” it was a nurse.
“I’m fine,” Die said lazily, slamming his head into the door again. Everything was beginning to spin and he felt some drool drip down his face onto his chest. It was working…
“Open the door,” the nurse said, trying to push her way in.
“Nope,” he said with a twisted grin, slamming his head into the door twice. His eyes rolled back for a moment and for a split second, he thought he could see Shinya. “I love you…”
Die jerked his head back as quickly as he could, slamming his head into the door with all his might and he smiled just as lost consciousness, slumped against the door.
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