(no subject)
So, last night my Dad and I went to dinner, and although I should have just let the even stay as quite as it started, after a while the beer took effect, I started to get really pissed off at the other conversations going on around me (there was even one guy who seemed to be parroting things I myself said once....like 10+ years ago), and ended up talking more with my Dad about life, where at one point I think I said something to the effect of "well then I may as well fucking kill myself now".
I think's a great deal of this problem I'm in. For all intents and purposes, I feel dead, and the only thing keeping me from REALLY feeling that way sometimes is the obligation I have towards this life and the people around me. I tried telling my Dad that obligation to those around you is not a motivator, it's nothing more than being a slave to a life you hate. And yeah, I do need a job, but even when I had that I wasn't happy. I really am one of those types that needs constant communication and interaction with others, or life seems retardedly pointless. And yes, I realize there are other people in this life who care about me and so on, but to continue living for others....shit, I've done enough of that in my life, back when I actually had something to offer, but now?
What am I still doing here? Part of me says that there is a God who has placed me here to do something, and that this might be one of those learning experiences in life that I seem so damn prone to....whereas the other side of me only knows that from his own past, and that unless I help myself, even God won't help me....either way, I seem to be in a boat, all alone, in the middle of the ocean, just drifting. Sometimes I get frustrated and pissed off and want to change it all, but, why? Here I am 30, the least number of friends I've ever had, I seem them the least of any friends I have had, I've literally no money, no direction, and everything seems to piss me off. So, I hole myself up in my apartment, and don't leave, and do nothing, and hate life....oh, but I can change it, right? Let's see, first I'll get some demeaning job somewhere that still won't pay me enough to makes ends meet, then I'll, I don;t know, indebt myself further to go back to school? Where I can be the oldest and be lectured by teachers who read mindlessly from a book, just so I can get a degree and work as an office monkey for the rest of my life, making great money, but still likely being alone, or then if I do find a wife and kids, then I'm even MORE chained to this life I've no use for.
There are so few things of interest that keep me here, yet I know even if they didn't exist, I'd still have to be here, until my time is deemed up. That really is how I feel. What's the point in trying for anything, making oneself to be something, when life is going to end soon. Maybe if I were needed, and a part of something that both provided me with some sort of gratification as well as worth. It seems like the only use I've become is mindless labor, or as another human being to slake boredom with. It's very frustrating to have a mind in a world already ruled by the arrogant and selfish. But then, were I in change, I would think myself more correct that others as well. Actually, I already do, which only adds to the frustration of life around me. The big issue is that I feel like I'm fighting (at times) the good fight, when everyone else I respect and value either doesn't care, or views the fight differently. It's bad enough I've always felt arms length from everyone in life, but to then feel for something, and to yet be the only one, shit, we all know by now you can only put so much on me before I either break or otherwise give up. And I know, for a fact, that I can bolster myself to a degree that surpasses others....by why? And what would I do? And the times more recently that I try to do something correct as I see it, it's regarded as incorrect due to "inefficiency" or "not following the rules specifically"....as if there are rules on me, please. I've spent most of my life pushing against such "limitations", and yeah, sometimes I get smacked for it, but damned if I don't continue to do so. There's this unfortunate difference between what needs be done, and how someone wants it done, and frankly, they and everyone else can go orgy it up and fuck themselves, because all it feels like is influence of power....the same that so many people abuse daily....it's literally enough to make me want to kill people, but then, they wouldn't learn anything. Sadly, it seems like you almost do need to bring a person to their knees before they get it....myself too, but then, kicking me from a hypothetical ivory tower does what? Make me hate those around me and want to see the world in flames....of course, when I'm in a better mood, I'd openly advocate helping others....so either I'm insane or the world really does need to change, and change big.
I may not necessarily see the world the same way others do, and as a result, I find myself complaining and frustrated about things that many others likely don't even understand. Unfortunately that's just not an option for me. Maybe it's a lack of trust, or faith, but regardless, I either need to start living life, as it is with no hopes of it getting any better, or end it. That;'s the only way things will change. Of course, obligation dictates that I can't kill myself, for there are those who would be sad then. Talk about a shitty existence when, at times, the only reason you can come up with to continue living is because others would be hurt....see, this is by definition a time when theology saved by life, for if I didn't believe in the ramifications of my actions, or that the pain I'd cause wouldn't be anything more than fleeting....why the fuck not? I guess I still do see my Dad regularly enough that it would impact him the most, and having done the most for me, I of course would not do that to him. And when life seems really, really shitty, and maybe moreso for an extremist like me, but damned if it doesn't always come back to death. Usually when I'm done emoting, I feel better about being the slave to life I should be, as then I see things more from Gods point of view, the big picture, or which I may in fact be contributing on some level. Of course it's only a matter of time before I burn out and selfishly want to be happy....which usually comes in the form of drugs and alcohol....at which time the process starts again.
So....how do I break the cycle? Truly break it, and not just find myself in yet another rotation of it, albeit on a different wheel. Even when I had a good job, with friends, and made good money....I wasn't happy. Sure, I could ignore that more what with finances to buy intoxication with, but fundamentally I've been unhappy for years. The direct influence of "why" I understand, as then I was just more connected to people, even had some whose lives then were shitty, and I was in a position to help, even if that simply meant spending time with them and being jovial. But then, looking back, even with Christine whom I'd spent 4 years with, even her, there was more of a companionship there, than love. Fortunately (having seem what it's done to so many others) I've never been in love. Of course, I've likely experienced full tilt infatuation with others more than anyone you know, seriously, but that was too many years ago, and now....it's like fencing with myself, and every time I see an opportunity for something I'd find joy in, I parry myself, and that's that. For every possible positive potential occurrence in my life, there is always that voice within me that shows me the alternative, or negative possible outcome, and since I discount myself (seriously, you don't smoke as much as I do, for one, if you considered the ramifications of it on yourself) in terms of repercussion (i do, of course, indulge in negative things that hurt me, it only seems to apply to others. Sure, I still reap those same outcomes myself, and when I do, I'm generally slow to get moving again. Wow, talk about fragmented, I have like 4 different things I'm trying to say here all at once, but you know, since none of it matters, let's just stop. I'm only talking in circles, and I'm the only one I talk to, so I already know all the answers....that I'd come up with anyway. Yeah, fuck it.
I think's a great deal of this problem I'm in. For all intents and purposes, I feel dead, and the only thing keeping me from REALLY feeling that way sometimes is the obligation I have towards this life and the people around me. I tried telling my Dad that obligation to those around you is not a motivator, it's nothing more than being a slave to a life you hate. And yeah, I do need a job, but even when I had that I wasn't happy. I really am one of those types that needs constant communication and interaction with others, or life seems retardedly pointless. And yes, I realize there are other people in this life who care about me and so on, but to continue living for others....shit, I've done enough of that in my life, back when I actually had something to offer, but now?
What am I still doing here? Part of me says that there is a God who has placed me here to do something, and that this might be one of those learning experiences in life that I seem so damn prone to....whereas the other side of me only knows that from his own past, and that unless I help myself, even God won't help me....either way, I seem to be in a boat, all alone, in the middle of the ocean, just drifting. Sometimes I get frustrated and pissed off and want to change it all, but, why? Here I am 30, the least number of friends I've ever had, I seem them the least of any friends I have had, I've literally no money, no direction, and everything seems to piss me off. So, I hole myself up in my apartment, and don't leave, and do nothing, and hate life....oh, but I can change it, right? Let's see, first I'll get some demeaning job somewhere that still won't pay me enough to makes ends meet, then I'll, I don;t know, indebt myself further to go back to school? Where I can be the oldest and be lectured by teachers who read mindlessly from a book, just so I can get a degree and work as an office monkey for the rest of my life, making great money, but still likely being alone, or then if I do find a wife and kids, then I'm even MORE chained to this life I've no use for.
There are so few things of interest that keep me here, yet I know even if they didn't exist, I'd still have to be here, until my time is deemed up. That really is how I feel. What's the point in trying for anything, making oneself to be something, when life is going to end soon. Maybe if I were needed, and a part of something that both provided me with some sort of gratification as well as worth. It seems like the only use I've become is mindless labor, or as another human being to slake boredom with. It's very frustrating to have a mind in a world already ruled by the arrogant and selfish. But then, were I in change, I would think myself more correct that others as well. Actually, I already do, which only adds to the frustration of life around me. The big issue is that I feel like I'm fighting (at times) the good fight, when everyone else I respect and value either doesn't care, or views the fight differently. It's bad enough I've always felt arms length from everyone in life, but to then feel for something, and to yet be the only one, shit, we all know by now you can only put so much on me before I either break or otherwise give up. And I know, for a fact, that I can bolster myself to a degree that surpasses others....by why? And what would I do? And the times more recently that I try to do something correct as I see it, it's regarded as incorrect due to "inefficiency" or "not following the rules specifically"....as if there are rules on me, please. I've spent most of my life pushing against such "limitations", and yeah, sometimes I get smacked for it, but damned if I don't continue to do so. There's this unfortunate difference between what needs be done, and how someone wants it done, and frankly, they and everyone else can go orgy it up and fuck themselves, because all it feels like is influence of power....the same that so many people abuse daily....it's literally enough to make me want to kill people, but then, they wouldn't learn anything. Sadly, it seems like you almost do need to bring a person to their knees before they get it....myself too, but then, kicking me from a hypothetical ivory tower does what? Make me hate those around me and want to see the world in flames....of course, when I'm in a better mood, I'd openly advocate helping others....so either I'm insane or the world really does need to change, and change big.
I may not necessarily see the world the same way others do, and as a result, I find myself complaining and frustrated about things that many others likely don't even understand. Unfortunately that's just not an option for me. Maybe it's a lack of trust, or faith, but regardless, I either need to start living life, as it is with no hopes of it getting any better, or end it. That;'s the only way things will change. Of course, obligation dictates that I can't kill myself, for there are those who would be sad then. Talk about a shitty existence when, at times, the only reason you can come up with to continue living is because others would be hurt....see, this is by definition a time when theology saved by life, for if I didn't believe in the ramifications of my actions, or that the pain I'd cause wouldn't be anything more than fleeting....why the fuck not? I guess I still do see my Dad regularly enough that it would impact him the most, and having done the most for me, I of course would not do that to him. And when life seems really, really shitty, and maybe moreso for an extremist like me, but damned if it doesn't always come back to death. Usually when I'm done emoting, I feel better about being the slave to life I should be, as then I see things more from Gods point of view, the big picture, or which I may in fact be contributing on some level. Of course it's only a matter of time before I burn out and selfishly want to be happy....which usually comes in the form of drugs and alcohol....at which time the process starts again.
So....how do I break the cycle? Truly break it, and not just find myself in yet another rotation of it, albeit on a different wheel. Even when I had a good job, with friends, and made good money....I wasn't happy. Sure, I could ignore that more what with finances to buy intoxication with, but fundamentally I've been unhappy for years. The direct influence of "why" I understand, as then I was just more connected to people, even had some whose lives then were shitty, and I was in a position to help, even if that simply meant spending time with them and being jovial. But then, looking back, even with Christine whom I'd spent 4 years with, even her, there was more of a companionship there, than love. Fortunately (having seem what it's done to so many others) I've never been in love. Of course, I've likely experienced full tilt infatuation with others more than anyone you know, seriously, but that was too many years ago, and now....it's like fencing with myself, and every time I see an opportunity for something I'd find joy in, I parry myself, and that's that. For every possible positive potential occurrence in my life, there is always that voice within me that shows me the alternative, or negative possible outcome, and since I discount myself (seriously, you don't smoke as much as I do, for one, if you considered the ramifications of it on yourself) in terms of repercussion (i do, of course, indulge in negative things that hurt me, it only seems to apply to others. Sure, I still reap those same outcomes myself, and when I do, I'm generally slow to get moving again. Wow, talk about fragmented, I have like 4 different things I'm trying to say here all at once, but you know, since none of it matters, let's just stop. I'm only talking in circles, and I'm the only one I talk to, so I already know all the answers....that I'd come up with anyway. Yeah, fuck it.