(no subject)
It's been a long 4 years.
This is certainly not where I expected to end up, but then, if you don't expect anything, or rather expect nothing, I suppose that's what you get. Shit, I didn't even think I'd make it this long, yet here I am. That's a hard reality to deal with, when all you ever really wanted was to draw your fiery sword and slay evil, dying in the heat of battle. Then you grow up some, and realize there is no evil, just poor souls who don't get it. Sadly, I feel like I use once upon a time, and now, well, now I just try not to feel; at least that's how it's been for a while.
As a result, my life has reached a point that I officially don't like. And one you're in a hole, it's a damn bitch to climb out of. Financially I'm fine (at the moment), but the rest of life has faltered. Spending time with others is greatly forced, though when I'm with them (albeit drunk all throughout) I feel like I can handle it. Otherwise, it's the same "cater to them" routine that I've done most of my life; it's a bit draining, but as I've nothing to add, I may as well appease someone else.
I've been trying recently to focus on two things however to combat this: the zen "live in the moment, and don't think beyond it" approach, and of course, spurring myself to remember my spirituality. It shouldn't be so hard, and because it is, well, no, it's a very difficult thing to try and be spiritual in a world where the only other one you know who shares your sentiments is your Dad. Everyone else seems so opposed to the idea of accountability and a life hereafter. And frankly, when that's one of my personal greatest motivators....it's just one more thing I don't share with those around me. Sure, we talk about it, but it's always in opposition, from a very heavily underlined "how silly you are for believing in something beyond the great (and vile) humanity we have". Maybe that's it. I don't particularly care for humanity, at all. Those I see striving for good seem to do so because their lives are terrible, so they understand first hand. Others only pretend to care, but making a show of it, or donating money here and there, as if saving humanity is merely an impartial check away. However, I'm the worst. I use to care, and actually feel some hope for good; now I can barely muster a worthwhile day. I know, many say meds are the answer, and no, I've not tried them all, but I've come to believe that the issues in my life are not, nor ever have been chemical, and rather a lack of connectivity. I contend that there are people, places, hobbies that would fix my way of life....I have unfortunately seen myself as a lonely 30 year old with no golden ring to shoot for, and that's as crippling a sentiment as I've ever felt. Worse than the messiest breakup. Worse than even the death of a loved one. It lingers, every day, and it sits on you like a mountain.
I can't help but wonder if a fresh start isn't what I need. I don't have a degree yet, and plan on going back to school here soon, but once I do, maybe Colorado (and it's snowy, freezing winters) isn't for me. I'd like to check out someplace warmer, quieter maybe. I've been contemplating a vacation through the southwest, which is very odd for me, since I've pretty much always hated arid climates all my life, but now, I don't know. Sure, it's a bit devoid of things I've come to love like trees and flowers, but it is warm, and part of me has come to likes the more barren landscape. Besides, I'm sure it's not ALL sand and cacti; maybe I can find a niche somewhere along the coast....once all the oil's removed.
Eh, it's something to think about. But for now, I've more immediate matters to tend to....like my never ending laundry situation. I just hope the washers aren't turned off due to the cold, or something. 'Guess we'll see. But, best not to think about it until I get there, and then interact accordingly. Though to break that rule for a moment, I don't think I'll be going to that free concert over at the broomfield event center tonight. Frankly, getting dolled up just to wade through the cold in order to partake in an orchestral ensemble I know nothing about sounds....less than fun. I've been getting back into horror movies recently, so maybe I'll do that....ignoring the plethora of hot, topless women then seem to obligatorily add to just about every horror flick made in the past two decades.... Seriously, if I wanted increased sexual frustration, I'd just watch porn; leave my blood and guts alone!
Alright, conversation over.
This is certainly not where I expected to end up, but then, if you don't expect anything, or rather expect nothing, I suppose that's what you get. Shit, I didn't even think I'd make it this long, yet here I am. That's a hard reality to deal with, when all you ever really wanted was to draw your fiery sword and slay evil, dying in the heat of battle. Then you grow up some, and realize there is no evil, just poor souls who don't get it. Sadly, I feel like I use once upon a time, and now, well, now I just try not to feel; at least that's how it's been for a while.
As a result, my life has reached a point that I officially don't like. And one you're in a hole, it's a damn bitch to climb out of. Financially I'm fine (at the moment), but the rest of life has faltered. Spending time with others is greatly forced, though when I'm with them (albeit drunk all throughout) I feel like I can handle it. Otherwise, it's the same "cater to them" routine that I've done most of my life; it's a bit draining, but as I've nothing to add, I may as well appease someone else.
I've been trying recently to focus on two things however to combat this: the zen "live in the moment, and don't think beyond it" approach, and of course, spurring myself to remember my spirituality. It shouldn't be so hard, and because it is, well, no, it's a very difficult thing to try and be spiritual in a world where the only other one you know who shares your sentiments is your Dad. Everyone else seems so opposed to the idea of accountability and a life hereafter. And frankly, when that's one of my personal greatest motivators....it's just one more thing I don't share with those around me. Sure, we talk about it, but it's always in opposition, from a very heavily underlined "how silly you are for believing in something beyond the great (and vile) humanity we have". Maybe that's it. I don't particularly care for humanity, at all. Those I see striving for good seem to do so because their lives are terrible, so they understand first hand. Others only pretend to care, but making a show of it, or donating money here and there, as if saving humanity is merely an impartial check away. However, I'm the worst. I use to care, and actually feel some hope for good; now I can barely muster a worthwhile day. I know, many say meds are the answer, and no, I've not tried them all, but I've come to believe that the issues in my life are not, nor ever have been chemical, and rather a lack of connectivity. I contend that there are people, places, hobbies that would fix my way of life....I have unfortunately seen myself as a lonely 30 year old with no golden ring to shoot for, and that's as crippling a sentiment as I've ever felt. Worse than the messiest breakup. Worse than even the death of a loved one. It lingers, every day, and it sits on you like a mountain.
I can't help but wonder if a fresh start isn't what I need. I don't have a degree yet, and plan on going back to school here soon, but once I do, maybe Colorado (and it's snowy, freezing winters) isn't for me. I'd like to check out someplace warmer, quieter maybe. I've been contemplating a vacation through the southwest, which is very odd for me, since I've pretty much always hated arid climates all my life, but now, I don't know. Sure, it's a bit devoid of things I've come to love like trees and flowers, but it is warm, and part of me has come to likes the more barren landscape. Besides, I'm sure it's not ALL sand and cacti; maybe I can find a niche somewhere along the coast....once all the oil's removed.
Eh, it's something to think about. But for now, I've more immediate matters to tend to....like my never ending laundry situation. I just hope the washers aren't turned off due to the cold, or something. 'Guess we'll see. But, best not to think about it until I get there, and then interact accordingly. Though to break that rule for a moment, I don't think I'll be going to that free concert over at the broomfield event center tonight. Frankly, getting dolled up just to wade through the cold in order to partake in an orchestral ensemble I know nothing about sounds....less than fun. I've been getting back into horror movies recently, so maybe I'll do that....ignoring the plethora of hot, topless women then seem to obligatorily add to just about every horror flick made in the past two decades.... Seriously, if I wanted increased sexual frustration, I'd just watch porn; leave my blood and guts alone!
Alright, conversation over.