[fic] age difference.
title→ age difference.
rating→ ~pg-13.
pairing(s)→ takaki yuya x hashimoto ryosuke.
prompt→ passions run.
summary→ love is (not) a game.
notes→ check this and please take note of when the file was created. and i wish it was actually that - i had it in a sticky note for like, two weeks before that. and i don't even like how it turned out. oh, sigh. how did an innocent flaily!Takakixpossessive!Hasshi turn into ... whatever this is. *fails so much*
Hasshi knows he is young; perhaps not in appearance as much as personality, but he doesn't mind. He has gotten used to being treated as if he doesn't understand something or other that is apparently only understood by those a mere 3 years older than him. It doesn't annoy him at all, not like it used to, but each time it happens, it makes him wonder what the difference between him and, for example, the older Takaki. He is no less knowledgeable or mature than Takaki, so he doesn't see why some information is 'exclusive' to those around Takaki's age.
But with his age comes a lot he doesn't understand, just like older people seem to assume, and one of them is the undeniable attraction he feels when he sees Takaki and hears Takaki and touches Takaki. He can't stop his eyes from trailing all over Takaki's bare skin when the older boy is changing; even though Takaki claims to be embarrassed and jokes about not liking being shirtless, it is obvious he is comfortable enough in his own skin to not mind sitting around shirtless with as much relaxation as when he is wearing one.
Hasshi doesn't understand the overwhelming, unexplainable fury that runs in every vein in his body whenever he sees Takaki shirtless and wishes that nobody else's eyes see him like that, and he isn't sure when he'll understand it.
Or if he even wants to understand it.
Takaki doesn't claim to be a suave person. He doesn't know how to deal with situations as he thinks a person his age, as the oldest, should know how to. He wonders if anybody really cares; even though he makes an effort to be a dependable older brother figure and worries endlessly and is hurt when his efforts are unintentionally made fun of, he knows he cannot beat Inoo and most of the time, he ends up giving up. He gets tired quickly of the 'mature' character he knows he should play, but so obviously doesn't. It's more fun to be able to play freely with the younger juniors without worry of how he's supposed to be mature or wonder if the younger juniors are expecting him to be something he can't be. But he thinks one of the biggest advantages of being immature is avoiding Hasshi's resentment for older people; he is certain the younger boy doesn't realize how differently he looks at older people who see him as only a mere 14-year-old. It is a look filled with thinly veiled, childish annoyance and anger at being treated like he doesn't understand things that he does understand.
Takaki knows it might be a little strange, but he is fascinated with Hasshi. The 14-year-old is full with so many contradictions that it makes Takaki itch to figure him out; the way he demands to be treated properly one moment, but acts like any other immature 14-year-old the next, the way he has perfected how to smile but not honestly in photo shoots, but is not hesitant at all to show his true smile otherwise, the way he lets Takaki tease him but gets angry whenever anyone else does.
It makes Takaki feel like he is 12 again, his heart a bomb ready to explode at any moment, with just a smile from the girl he had a crush on.
Hasshi faces the largest shock of his career as a Johnny's when he is standing in the middle of the crowd of juniors, all of them staring wordlessly at the group of managers in front of them, the 10 members selected for Hey!Say!JUMP standing beside them, heads bowed, unable to face their fellow juniors' disbelieving eyes.
Hasshi has never been good with dealing with failures, especially his own; with each failure, a little more of his self-confidence disappears. He had gotten used to blaming his age, thinking he was too young and that was the reason for his failures, but it doesn't work at all when the manager is reading the names and Hasshi's eyes skip over the members to see Ryutaro. The young boy is attempting to hide himself behind Daiki, who gently pushes him back into his place. He cannot even blame his age this time; he has lost to someone two years younger than him; he cannot say he was too young and pass it off as a failure when there is someone younger than him; not only has he lost to someone younger than him, he has lost to people who are his age as well. He is so vexed with himself that it makes him cry from frustration, turning and pushing his way through the juniors to run to the closest dressing room, ignoring the calls of stressed managers who had been in the middle of droning on about the details of the group's reveal in the Yokohama concert and the changes in their schedules.
Nobody comes after him.
He stands under the shower, letting the hot water wash over him. He usually finds hot showers relaxing, but right now, he finds it choking, the steam making him feel sick to his stomach, even worse than the sobs he cannot bring himself to stop. He cries and cries, thinking of the 10 members, Takaki amongst them, and the shock written on the faces of his fellow juniors, all of them too good at their jobs to leave and come after him, and it only makes the tears more intense.
Takaki regrets not going after Hasshi for a long time after his debut. They don't talk properly for a week, busy with rehearsals and conflicting schedules, then he doesn't see Hasshi for weeks while he is busy with the volleyball support. He makes promises he doesn't keep, sending Hasshi messages and canceling hours afterwards. He doesn't feel very supportive of anything when Hasshi stops replying to his messages and pleas to meet up, which makes Takaki spend his off days at home, staring at old magazines and wishing his chest didn't feel so heavy.
Hasshi learns through Fukka what Takaki's schedule is. He runs his thumb over the keitai's screen, reading the message he had gotten from Fukka, before standing up and taking his coat, running all the way to the station. He doesn't realize what he is doing until he nods at the security guard lazily flipping through a newspaper at the door of the dance studio, then he is going up the steps and sees the door labeled 'Hey!Say!JUMP-sama' and stops.
There is a split second of hesitation before he steps to the door and pushes it open, making 10 pairs of eyes in the room turn to face him, the loud, noisy chatter suddenly disappearing, replaced by a deafening silence.
"...Hasshi?"
Hasshi ignores Daiki's questioning greeting, walking forward quickly to grab Takaki's hand and turn around, dragging the older boy out of the room without saying a word.
Takaki opens his mouth to say something, to protest, to apologize, but all he can feel is Hasshi's strong grip around his hand and it ends up with him staring at the back of Hasshi's head with an open mouth.
The younger boy stops and turns, letting go of Takaki's hand, much to Takaki's disappointment, but he soon forgets his disappointment when Hasshi steps right in front of him, so close that he can feel the younger boy's breath and their lips are barely apart. He feels the blood rushing to his face, his eyes locked with Hasshi's dark ones, then Hasshi's lips are against his, Hasshi's hands trailing up his waist and his chest and to his collar to straighten it, before breaking the kiss with a smile that is nothing like the smile Takaki is used to. It is filled with everything he doesn't associate smiles with.
"I just thought you'd like to know I've had enough, Yu~ya," Takaki hears Hasshi say before he is pushed against the wall, his face turning even redder with Hasshi's body pressed up against his, so dangerously close that he can barely breathe. He wants to push Hasshi away to get a chance to breathe and to stop the roar of blood in his ears, but before he can even do so, Hasshi steps back and turns, walking away.
Takaki stares after the younger boy's back, panting as he raises his fingers to his lips.
It is another few days before their schedules match up and Hasshi smirks when he hears Takaki's voice calling his name. He is playing a game, maybe a slightly distorted one, but he is winning and that is good, since he has never liked losing that much.
He keeps walking, not showing any kind of reaction to Takaki's voice faltering before calling his name again. He chances a glance over his shoulder and sees Takaki's eyes on the floor, the expression on his face so downhearted that it makes Hasshi's heart beat faster, but he looks back in front of him and continues onto the juniors' dressing room.
It's okay as long as he is still in the lead, still in control.
"It's not fair how you're doing this to him. You know he doesn't mean to hurt you."
Hasshi looks up from his schedule to meet Fukka's eyes. The older boy has an uncharacteristic frown on his lips, watching Hasshi with an unexplainable look in his eyes. Hasshi feels the guilt rush over him as he continues staring at Fukka's eyes until Fukka shakes his head and turns to leave the room.
Hasshi looks down at his schedule again, his eyes fixed on the dates he has rehearsals with Hey!Say!JUMP.
Hasshi frowns as he slides his coins into the vending machine, then presses the drink he wants. He pauses before he leans down. "What's wrong, Takaki?"
"E-eh!?" Takaki says, half-surprised, half-forced calm, as if he is trying to act like he wasn't following Hasshi to the vending machine and just happened to run into him casually. The tall boy steps closer to Hasshi, then stops, looking everywhere except Hasshi.
Hasshi turns around after taking his drink, watching Takaki with a blank expression as he opens his drink and takes a long sip. He lowers the drink and raises his hand, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, watching Takaki's face redden slowly as his eyes follow Hasshi's hand. Hasshi drops his hand to his side and Takaki immediately raises his eyes to meet Hasshi's, who smirks. "You're a very bad actor. Fix it before you get casted for dramas. So, then, what's wrong?"
"I just... I wanted to talk to you," Takaki mumbles very quietly, dropping his eyes. Hasshi watches Takaki carefully; the older boy looks so overwhelmed with guilt and embarrassment that he can't even face Hasshi's eyes, instead looking down at his own shoes, but looks up when he hears the clunk of the drink can falling in the trash can and Hasshi's quick footsteps towards him. Hasshi continues walking forward until Takaki is forced up against the wall and forced to meet Hasshi's dark eyes, Hasshi once again too close to him.
"I'm sorry," Takaki suddenly chokes out, looking down as he feels Hasshi's hands once again on him, fingers trailing all over his body. He lets out a small gasp when Hasshi brushes his fingers close between his legs, looking up towards the ceiling. He freezes, but the blood rushes up to his face immediately, when Hasshi's cool lips are pressed against his neck and start trailing up to his ear. Hasshi runs the tip of his tongue over Takaki's earlobe, making Takaki whimper, and then moves to kiss Takaki's lips, silencing Takaki's moan as he presses his hips against Takaki's, his hands sliding under Takaki's shirt.
Hasshi intends to continue even when they both hear loud voices and laughter coming towards them, but Takaki's hands are suddenly pushing him away and Hasshi pretends it doesn't hurt, smiling instead and taking Takaki's hand past the juniors coming for the vending machine, leading him away.
Takaki slowly lets the sleep fade away, keeping his eyes determinedly shut. But when he can no longer feel the urge to fall back asleep, he opens his eyes and blinks a few times, a smile tugging on his lips as he watches Hasshi's sleeping face across from him. It is so peaceful and innocent that Takaki doesn't know how it is possible for Hasshi to be the complete opposite when he is awake to how angelic he looks while sleeping, but he leaves that thought for another time as he slowly inches away to try and move away from the futon. He freezes when he feels Hasshi's arms sliding around his waist, cold fingers against bare skin. He swallows a moan as he feels Hasshi's lips against his neck, slowly leading up to his ear. Hasshi bites his earlobe and Takaki can't stop himself before letting out a whimper and pulling away quickly, turning around to face Hasshi. "I'm ... I'm not ... not whatever you made me out to be, Hasshi."
"I didn't make you out to be anything," Hasshi says coolly, looking up to meet Takaki's eyes with an indifference that makes Takaki forget their age difference. Takaki doesn't know what to feel anymore when it's about Hasshi, but he doesn't know why he can't stop himself from letting Hasshi lead him along, even to the bed and wandering hands and hot kisses and sweaty palms and Takaki realizes he doesn't even know where his clothes are, hidden somewhere in the shadows of the dark room.
"I've never been good at games, Hasshi, I always lose," Takaki says as he turns away, beginning to go around the room and feel around to find his clothes. He can feel Hasshi's eyes on him as he picks up a shirt and puts it back down after examining it long enough to know it isn't his. He finally finds his shirt hanging haphazardly on the edge of Hasshi's TV, his jeans and socks a little distance away from it on the floor. He quickly gets dressed and doesn't look back as he picks up his bag and leaves the room, blinking when he steps out into the brightly lit hallway, flooded with the early morning sunlight. He hesitates for just a second, wondering if he should say something to Hasshi, then decides against it and continues his way down the hallway.
Hasshi has always found a way to blame someone else for his own failures and wrong decisions, but he can only blame himself for letting Takaki walk away. He wants to put all the blame on the older - and therefore in Hasshi's eyes, the one more prone to make hurtful mistakes - Takaki, but no matter how hard he tries to do that, he can't bring himself to blame the older boy.
He was the one who let Takaki leave without a word after all.
"You know, if I wanted to watch a screwed up romantic drama, all I have to do is open the TV," Hasshi hears Fukka say from the bed beside him. He doesn't know what to say as he stares at the ceiling, thinking of Takaki and how the older boy never smiled at him anymore. They had spent a couple of nights together when Hasshi had sneaked into Takaki's hotel room during the concerts, but they would end up both too exhausted to do much else but sleep afterwards, and always back to back, rather than facing each other. Hasshi knew their relationship - if it could even be called that - wouldn't continue if they kept going on like this. They never talked, only touched, and no matter how much Hasshi wished he could talk, he knew he was much better with his hands than with his words. He decides he doesn't have to answer Fukka, instead turning onto his side so his back was facing Fukka.
"Talk to him, Hasshi. He doesn't want much from you, and he's not that hard to understand," Fukka continues, knowing he wouldn't get an answer from Hasshi. Hasshi hears him sigh and tries to block out Fukka's voice by uselessly rolling around on the bed, but he can still hear it clearly in the quiet room. "And you're not that hard to figure out yourself, Hasshi."
"I didn't ask for your opinion," Hasshi replies sourly, pulling the blanket over his head and letting out a sigh. He can hear Fukka's soft chuckle, even under the blanket, and that makes him frown even more.
He hated it when those older than him were right.
Takaki drops himself on the bed on his back, too tired to even think of crawling under the blanket or pull a pillow under his head. He is content to feel the cold air of the airconditioner cooling his overheated body after the concert, closing his eyes to enjoy the coolness find its way to wrap around his unbuttoned shirt and rolled up pants. He opens his eyes immediately, any thoughts of relaxing disappearing while he listens to the creak of the door and the soft click of the lock.
He doesn't have to look up to know who it is. Only one person knows he keeps his door unlocked and the soft pit pat of footsteps has long become familiar. He closes his eyes again as he feels the presence of the would-be intruder close to him, climbing over him, hot hands pushing his shirt back even more. Takaki bites back a moan when fingers trail down teasingly down his chest to tug on the waistband of his jeans, then go back up to circle slowly and maddeningly over his bare stomach. He tries to keep himself from moaning, but he can't stop himself. "Hasshi..."
"Yuya," Hasshi says, suddenly stopping his wandering hands to sit up, still straddling Takaki under him. Their eyes meet and Takaki is almost surprised to see the honest brightness he hasn't seen in Hasshi's eyes for a long time. "Yuya, I'm ... I'm not what you're looking for, am I? This kind of me, this kind of relationship."
Takaki opens his mouth to try and protest, but Hasshi's eyes make him incapable of any coherent thoughts. He can't lie and say it isn't true. He doesn't know how to break the cycle, how to change his love for Hasshi and Hasshi's love for him to something that makes sense, and he's thought of telling Hasshi that he wants to stop. He can tell Hasshi knows the same thing, Takaki can see it from Hasshi's eyes, and he can tell the younger boy feels something honest for him, but doesn't know how to show it properly. "The truth is..."
"Don't say it," Hasshi says quickly, raising his hands to press them over his ears. Takaki feels his chest clench as he watches Hasshi, shaking his head, his eyes tightly shut. Even though Hasshi had been the one to ask... Takaki can't help but smile as he reaches up to gently pull Hasshi's hands away from his ears. "Don't you want to hear it?"
"It's not what I want to hear," Hasshi says after a moment of silence. He knows he'll have to face Takaki's dark eyes, Takaki's voice telling him he doesn't want him, Takaki not wanting to be with him, and he doesn't want to face that.
But then Takaki laughs and Hasshi blinks in surprise, baffled at Takaki's laughter. Hasshi had been preparing himself for a rejection, not Takaki looking up at him with a smile he hadn't been expecting. "I want your love, Hasshi. I want to love you. But... not like this. Love isn't just... it's not whatever we have right now."
"I told you I don't want to hear it!" Hasshi frantically interrupts before Takaki can continue any longer. He moves his hands to press them both over Takaki's mouth, not wanting to give the older boy a chance to say anything. He can't think of not having Takaki because then that will mean Takaki can be someone else's and just the thought of that makes Hasshi chase the possibility away. But when Takaki gently places his hands over Hasshi's and pulls them away, Hasshi wonders if maybe he doesn't have to think of that.
"You don't want to hear that I don't want anybody but you?" Takaki asks, his voice almost painfully clear in the quiet room.
Hasshi lets go of the breath he didn't know he had been holding.
Maybe sometimes it wasn't a mistake to trust those older than him.
rating→ ~pg-13.
pairing(s)→ takaki yuya x hashimoto ryosuke.
prompt→ passions run.
summary→ love is (not) a game.
notes→ check this and please take note of when the file was created. and i wish it was actually that - i had it in a sticky note for like, two weeks before that. and i don't even like how it turned out. oh, sigh. how did an innocent flaily!Takakixpossessive!Hasshi turn into ... whatever this is. *fails so much*
Hasshi knows he is young; perhaps not in appearance as much as personality, but he doesn't mind. He has gotten used to being treated as if he doesn't understand something or other that is apparently only understood by those a mere 3 years older than him. It doesn't annoy him at all, not like it used to, but each time it happens, it makes him wonder what the difference between him and, for example, the older Takaki. He is no less knowledgeable or mature than Takaki, so he doesn't see why some information is 'exclusive' to those around Takaki's age.
But with his age comes a lot he doesn't understand, just like older people seem to assume, and one of them is the undeniable attraction he feels when he sees Takaki and hears Takaki and touches Takaki. He can't stop his eyes from trailing all over Takaki's bare skin when the older boy is changing; even though Takaki claims to be embarrassed and jokes about not liking being shirtless, it is obvious he is comfortable enough in his own skin to not mind sitting around shirtless with as much relaxation as when he is wearing one.
Hasshi doesn't understand the overwhelming, unexplainable fury that runs in every vein in his body whenever he sees Takaki shirtless and wishes that nobody else's eyes see him like that, and he isn't sure when he'll understand it.
Or if he even wants to understand it.
Takaki doesn't claim to be a suave person. He doesn't know how to deal with situations as he thinks a person his age, as the oldest, should know how to. He wonders if anybody really cares; even though he makes an effort to be a dependable older brother figure and worries endlessly and is hurt when his efforts are unintentionally made fun of, he knows he cannot beat Inoo and most of the time, he ends up giving up. He gets tired quickly of the 'mature' character he knows he should play, but so obviously doesn't. It's more fun to be able to play freely with the younger juniors without worry of how he's supposed to be mature or wonder if the younger juniors are expecting him to be something he can't be. But he thinks one of the biggest advantages of being immature is avoiding Hasshi's resentment for older people; he is certain the younger boy doesn't realize how differently he looks at older people who see him as only a mere 14-year-old. It is a look filled with thinly veiled, childish annoyance and anger at being treated like he doesn't understand things that he does understand.
Takaki knows it might be a little strange, but he is fascinated with Hasshi. The 14-year-old is full with so many contradictions that it makes Takaki itch to figure him out; the way he demands to be treated properly one moment, but acts like any other immature 14-year-old the next, the way he has perfected how to smile but not honestly in photo shoots, but is not hesitant at all to show his true smile otherwise, the way he lets Takaki tease him but gets angry whenever anyone else does.
It makes Takaki feel like he is 12 again, his heart a bomb ready to explode at any moment, with just a smile from the girl he had a crush on.
Hasshi faces the largest shock of his career as a Johnny's when he is standing in the middle of the crowd of juniors, all of them staring wordlessly at the group of managers in front of them, the 10 members selected for Hey!Say!JUMP standing beside them, heads bowed, unable to face their fellow juniors' disbelieving eyes.
Hasshi has never been good with dealing with failures, especially his own; with each failure, a little more of his self-confidence disappears. He had gotten used to blaming his age, thinking he was too young and that was the reason for his failures, but it doesn't work at all when the manager is reading the names and Hasshi's eyes skip over the members to see Ryutaro. The young boy is attempting to hide himself behind Daiki, who gently pushes him back into his place. He cannot even blame his age this time; he has lost to someone two years younger than him; he cannot say he was too young and pass it off as a failure when there is someone younger than him; not only has he lost to someone younger than him, he has lost to people who are his age as well. He is so vexed with himself that it makes him cry from frustration, turning and pushing his way through the juniors to run to the closest dressing room, ignoring the calls of stressed managers who had been in the middle of droning on about the details of the group's reveal in the Yokohama concert and the changes in their schedules.
Nobody comes after him.
He stands under the shower, letting the hot water wash over him. He usually finds hot showers relaxing, but right now, he finds it choking, the steam making him feel sick to his stomach, even worse than the sobs he cannot bring himself to stop. He cries and cries, thinking of the 10 members, Takaki amongst them, and the shock written on the faces of his fellow juniors, all of them too good at their jobs to leave and come after him, and it only makes the tears more intense.
Takaki regrets not going after Hasshi for a long time after his debut. They don't talk properly for a week, busy with rehearsals and conflicting schedules, then he doesn't see Hasshi for weeks while he is busy with the volleyball support. He makes promises he doesn't keep, sending Hasshi messages and canceling hours afterwards. He doesn't feel very supportive of anything when Hasshi stops replying to his messages and pleas to meet up, which makes Takaki spend his off days at home, staring at old magazines and wishing his chest didn't feel so heavy.
Hasshi learns through Fukka what Takaki's schedule is. He runs his thumb over the keitai's screen, reading the message he had gotten from Fukka, before standing up and taking his coat, running all the way to the station. He doesn't realize what he is doing until he nods at the security guard lazily flipping through a newspaper at the door of the dance studio, then he is going up the steps and sees the door labeled 'Hey!Say!JUMP-sama' and stops.
There is a split second of hesitation before he steps to the door and pushes it open, making 10 pairs of eyes in the room turn to face him, the loud, noisy chatter suddenly disappearing, replaced by a deafening silence.
"...Hasshi?"
Hasshi ignores Daiki's questioning greeting, walking forward quickly to grab Takaki's hand and turn around, dragging the older boy out of the room without saying a word.
Takaki opens his mouth to say something, to protest, to apologize, but all he can feel is Hasshi's strong grip around his hand and it ends up with him staring at the back of Hasshi's head with an open mouth.
The younger boy stops and turns, letting go of Takaki's hand, much to Takaki's disappointment, but he soon forgets his disappointment when Hasshi steps right in front of him, so close that he can feel the younger boy's breath and their lips are barely apart. He feels the blood rushing to his face, his eyes locked with Hasshi's dark ones, then Hasshi's lips are against his, Hasshi's hands trailing up his waist and his chest and to his collar to straighten it, before breaking the kiss with a smile that is nothing like the smile Takaki is used to. It is filled with everything he doesn't associate smiles with.
"I just thought you'd like to know I've had enough, Yu~ya," Takaki hears Hasshi say before he is pushed against the wall, his face turning even redder with Hasshi's body pressed up against his, so dangerously close that he can barely breathe. He wants to push Hasshi away to get a chance to breathe and to stop the roar of blood in his ears, but before he can even do so, Hasshi steps back and turns, walking away.
Takaki stares after the younger boy's back, panting as he raises his fingers to his lips.
It is another few days before their schedules match up and Hasshi smirks when he hears Takaki's voice calling his name. He is playing a game, maybe a slightly distorted one, but he is winning and that is good, since he has never liked losing that much.
He keeps walking, not showing any kind of reaction to Takaki's voice faltering before calling his name again. He chances a glance over his shoulder and sees Takaki's eyes on the floor, the expression on his face so downhearted that it makes Hasshi's heart beat faster, but he looks back in front of him and continues onto the juniors' dressing room.
It's okay as long as he is still in the lead, still in control.
"It's not fair how you're doing this to him. You know he doesn't mean to hurt you."
Hasshi looks up from his schedule to meet Fukka's eyes. The older boy has an uncharacteristic frown on his lips, watching Hasshi with an unexplainable look in his eyes. Hasshi feels the guilt rush over him as he continues staring at Fukka's eyes until Fukka shakes his head and turns to leave the room.
Hasshi looks down at his schedule again, his eyes fixed on the dates he has rehearsals with Hey!Say!JUMP.
Hasshi frowns as he slides his coins into the vending machine, then presses the drink he wants. He pauses before he leans down. "What's wrong, Takaki?"
"E-eh!?" Takaki says, half-surprised, half-forced calm, as if he is trying to act like he wasn't following Hasshi to the vending machine and just happened to run into him casually. The tall boy steps closer to Hasshi, then stops, looking everywhere except Hasshi.
Hasshi turns around after taking his drink, watching Takaki with a blank expression as he opens his drink and takes a long sip. He lowers the drink and raises his hand, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, watching Takaki's face redden slowly as his eyes follow Hasshi's hand. Hasshi drops his hand to his side and Takaki immediately raises his eyes to meet Hasshi's, who smirks. "You're a very bad actor. Fix it before you get casted for dramas. So, then, what's wrong?"
"I just... I wanted to talk to you," Takaki mumbles very quietly, dropping his eyes. Hasshi watches Takaki carefully; the older boy looks so overwhelmed with guilt and embarrassment that he can't even face Hasshi's eyes, instead looking down at his own shoes, but looks up when he hears the clunk of the drink can falling in the trash can and Hasshi's quick footsteps towards him. Hasshi continues walking forward until Takaki is forced up against the wall and forced to meet Hasshi's dark eyes, Hasshi once again too close to him.
"I'm sorry," Takaki suddenly chokes out, looking down as he feels Hasshi's hands once again on him, fingers trailing all over his body. He lets out a small gasp when Hasshi brushes his fingers close between his legs, looking up towards the ceiling. He freezes, but the blood rushes up to his face immediately, when Hasshi's cool lips are pressed against his neck and start trailing up to his ear. Hasshi runs the tip of his tongue over Takaki's earlobe, making Takaki whimper, and then moves to kiss Takaki's lips, silencing Takaki's moan as he presses his hips against Takaki's, his hands sliding under Takaki's shirt.
Hasshi intends to continue even when they both hear loud voices and laughter coming towards them, but Takaki's hands are suddenly pushing him away and Hasshi pretends it doesn't hurt, smiling instead and taking Takaki's hand past the juniors coming for the vending machine, leading him away.
Takaki slowly lets the sleep fade away, keeping his eyes determinedly shut. But when he can no longer feel the urge to fall back asleep, he opens his eyes and blinks a few times, a smile tugging on his lips as he watches Hasshi's sleeping face across from him. It is so peaceful and innocent that Takaki doesn't know how it is possible for Hasshi to be the complete opposite when he is awake to how angelic he looks while sleeping, but he leaves that thought for another time as he slowly inches away to try and move away from the futon. He freezes when he feels Hasshi's arms sliding around his waist, cold fingers against bare skin. He swallows a moan as he feels Hasshi's lips against his neck, slowly leading up to his ear. Hasshi bites his earlobe and Takaki can't stop himself before letting out a whimper and pulling away quickly, turning around to face Hasshi. "I'm ... I'm not ... not whatever you made me out to be, Hasshi."
"I didn't make you out to be anything," Hasshi says coolly, looking up to meet Takaki's eyes with an indifference that makes Takaki forget their age difference. Takaki doesn't know what to feel anymore when it's about Hasshi, but he doesn't know why he can't stop himself from letting Hasshi lead him along, even to the bed and wandering hands and hot kisses and sweaty palms and Takaki realizes he doesn't even know where his clothes are, hidden somewhere in the shadows of the dark room.
"I've never been good at games, Hasshi, I always lose," Takaki says as he turns away, beginning to go around the room and feel around to find his clothes. He can feel Hasshi's eyes on him as he picks up a shirt and puts it back down after examining it long enough to know it isn't his. He finally finds his shirt hanging haphazardly on the edge of Hasshi's TV, his jeans and socks a little distance away from it on the floor. He quickly gets dressed and doesn't look back as he picks up his bag and leaves the room, blinking when he steps out into the brightly lit hallway, flooded with the early morning sunlight. He hesitates for just a second, wondering if he should say something to Hasshi, then decides against it and continues his way down the hallway.
Hasshi has always found a way to blame someone else for his own failures and wrong decisions, but he can only blame himself for letting Takaki walk away. He wants to put all the blame on the older - and therefore in Hasshi's eyes, the one more prone to make hurtful mistakes - Takaki, but no matter how hard he tries to do that, he can't bring himself to blame the older boy.
He was the one who let Takaki leave without a word after all.
"You know, if I wanted to watch a screwed up romantic drama, all I have to do is open the TV," Hasshi hears Fukka say from the bed beside him. He doesn't know what to say as he stares at the ceiling, thinking of Takaki and how the older boy never smiled at him anymore. They had spent a couple of nights together when Hasshi had sneaked into Takaki's hotel room during the concerts, but they would end up both too exhausted to do much else but sleep afterwards, and always back to back, rather than facing each other. Hasshi knew their relationship - if it could even be called that - wouldn't continue if they kept going on like this. They never talked, only touched, and no matter how much Hasshi wished he could talk, he knew he was much better with his hands than with his words. He decides he doesn't have to answer Fukka, instead turning onto his side so his back was facing Fukka.
"Talk to him, Hasshi. He doesn't want much from you, and he's not that hard to understand," Fukka continues, knowing he wouldn't get an answer from Hasshi. Hasshi hears him sigh and tries to block out Fukka's voice by uselessly rolling around on the bed, but he can still hear it clearly in the quiet room. "And you're not that hard to figure out yourself, Hasshi."
"I didn't ask for your opinion," Hasshi replies sourly, pulling the blanket over his head and letting out a sigh. He can hear Fukka's soft chuckle, even under the blanket, and that makes him frown even more.
He hated it when those older than him were right.
Takaki drops himself on the bed on his back, too tired to even think of crawling under the blanket or pull a pillow under his head. He is content to feel the cold air of the airconditioner cooling his overheated body after the concert, closing his eyes to enjoy the coolness find its way to wrap around his unbuttoned shirt and rolled up pants. He opens his eyes immediately, any thoughts of relaxing disappearing while he listens to the creak of the door and the soft click of the lock.
He doesn't have to look up to know who it is. Only one person knows he keeps his door unlocked and the soft pit pat of footsteps has long become familiar. He closes his eyes again as he feels the presence of the would-be intruder close to him, climbing over him, hot hands pushing his shirt back even more. Takaki bites back a moan when fingers trail down teasingly down his chest to tug on the waistband of his jeans, then go back up to circle slowly and maddeningly over his bare stomach. He tries to keep himself from moaning, but he can't stop himself. "Hasshi..."
"Yuya," Hasshi says, suddenly stopping his wandering hands to sit up, still straddling Takaki under him. Their eyes meet and Takaki is almost surprised to see the honest brightness he hasn't seen in Hasshi's eyes for a long time. "Yuya, I'm ... I'm not what you're looking for, am I? This kind of me, this kind of relationship."
Takaki opens his mouth to try and protest, but Hasshi's eyes make him incapable of any coherent thoughts. He can't lie and say it isn't true. He doesn't know how to break the cycle, how to change his love for Hasshi and Hasshi's love for him to something that makes sense, and he's thought of telling Hasshi that he wants to stop. He can tell Hasshi knows the same thing, Takaki can see it from Hasshi's eyes, and he can tell the younger boy feels something honest for him, but doesn't know how to show it properly. "The truth is..."
"Don't say it," Hasshi says quickly, raising his hands to press them over his ears. Takaki feels his chest clench as he watches Hasshi, shaking his head, his eyes tightly shut. Even though Hasshi had been the one to ask... Takaki can't help but smile as he reaches up to gently pull Hasshi's hands away from his ears. "Don't you want to hear it?"
"It's not what I want to hear," Hasshi says after a moment of silence. He knows he'll have to face Takaki's dark eyes, Takaki's voice telling him he doesn't want him, Takaki not wanting to be with him, and he doesn't want to face that.
But then Takaki laughs and Hasshi blinks in surprise, baffled at Takaki's laughter. Hasshi had been preparing himself for a rejection, not Takaki looking up at him with a smile he hadn't been expecting. "I want your love, Hasshi. I want to love you. But... not like this. Love isn't just... it's not whatever we have right now."
"I told you I don't want to hear it!" Hasshi frantically interrupts before Takaki can continue any longer. He moves his hands to press them both over Takaki's mouth, not wanting to give the older boy a chance to say anything. He can't think of not having Takaki because then that will mean Takaki can be someone else's and just the thought of that makes Hasshi chase the possibility away. But when Takaki gently places his hands over Hasshi's and pulls them away, Hasshi wonders if maybe he doesn't have to think of that.
"You don't want to hear that I don't want anybody but you?" Takaki asks, his voice almost painfully clear in the quiet room.
Hasshi lets go of the breath he didn't know he had been holding.
Maybe sometimes it wasn't a mistake to trust those older than him.