hello? i guess. no one else seems to be commenting so i might as well take a shot.
Shit, she had thought should be 'Shit, she thought.' had + verb is used when saying something occurred before another event.
Desperate to try to salvage of anything she can from the ink ravaging her work space, upending containers of pencils, pens and brushes, swatting at piles of paper so neatly arranged before.-Sounds awkward. better: 'Desperate to salvage anything she could from the ink ravaging her work space she upended containers of pencils, pens, and brushes, and swatted at piles of paper that were arranged so neatly before
( ... )
Wonderful use of adjectives, except for a couple of awkward words and sentences. Interesting analogy, I can't remmeber shinobi using pens since everything is written in japanese or calligraphy. If pens are mortals and brushes a mistake and a headache, what are lead pencils? Orochimaru?
(Incomplete thought, or maybe a couple of missing pronouns) Desperate to try to salvage of anything she can from the ink ravaging her work space, upending containers of pencils, pens and brushes, swatting at piles of paper so neatly arranged before.
(Tradition sounds much better then traditions.) But to the village council, being a ninja meant upholding the village’s honor, and honor meant traditions. And traditions meant writing with a brush while there are perfectly usable pens next to you.
(drop instead of lose) no pretending to bend to your will only to have you lose your guard…
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no one else seems to be commenting so i might as well take a shot.
Shit, she had thought should be 'Shit, she thought.'
had + verb is used when saying something occurred before another event.
Desperate to try to salvage of anything she can from the ink ravaging her work space, upending containers of pencils, pens and brushes, swatting at piles of paper so neatly arranged before.-Sounds awkward. better: 'Desperate to salvage anything she could from the ink ravaging her work space she upended containers of pencils, pens, and brushes, and swatted at piles of paper that were arranged so neatly before ( ... )
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(Incomplete thought, or maybe a couple of missing pronouns)
Desperate to try to salvage of anything she can from the ink ravaging her work space, upending containers of pencils, pens and brushes, swatting at piles of paper so neatly arranged before.
(Tradition sounds much better then traditions.)
But to the village council, being a ninja meant upholding the village’s honor, and honor meant traditions. And traditions meant writing with a brush while there are perfectly usable pens next to you.
(drop instead of lose)
no pretending to bend to your will only to have you lose your guard…
(...)
dark splotches blood in dim light.
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