HUGE ESSAY OF DOOM
So Konatsu's state of being has kind of been HILARIOUS as of late. As such, ESSAY!
~*KONATSU'S HEAD -or- a trip through the Issue Forest*~
So the easiest way to do this, I realized, is to break Konatsu's issues down by the relationships that exemplify them. With that being said, we begin with . . .
Konatsu and Cain
Mostly, Konatsu's current bout of issues started up about the time that Cain left. Plainly put, Cain was probably the most important relationship that Konatsu has had up to this point in time in his life. Unlike Hyuuga-who Konatsu met through his ambition to join the Black Hawks and formed a relationship with as a superior officer first, friend second-or Takanari-who he bonded with at first through the Sekirei game and then later developed a close friendship with-or even Shuri-who is just a whole other bag of worms-Cain was the first friend that Konatsu ever made entirely based upon his own efforts and actions. There was no emotional bond or sense of duty or responsibility that jump-started their relationship, it was just Konatsu running across Cain in a variety of bizarre situations, developing an interest in him, and developing a sense of caring about him and further a sense of friendship. He sympathized with Cain, with his situation, with his sense of self and he was insanely proud of himself for the fact that he and Cain could still find things to talk about, that he could help Cain with his issues in his own somewhat derpy tsundere fail way.
And then all that got pulled out from under him without so much as a warning leaving him with only a letter and a CD for his efforts. Now, obviously, it's not so much that Konatsu resents Cain because that's absolutely not the case. If anything, Konatsu's feelings for Cain have grown stronger since he left, mostly because of the letter and the CD. But, what it has done is ultimately fuck with Konatsu's sense of what it means to make friends in camp and his understanding of camp as a whole. While camp has been a great place for Konatsu to develop his social skills and learn what it means to make friends, the point is getting driven in now that the friends he makes here aren't permanent. There's no guarantee that they'll be with him a year from now or even a month from now. They could leave without warning, without being able to say anything in the way of a goodbye, and all that he'll be left with are memories and a distinctive lack where there used to be someone that he could rely on.
So in sum, Cain leaving has really made Konatsu wary of every close relationship he has in camp. He doesn't know if he should preserve himself and just stop now while he's ahead or keep on trying to make friends knowing that it's going to just make it hurt more. But at the same time he does feel a sense of abandonment and it's sort of hitting him hard in the self worth which leads to . . .
Konatsu and Raphael
This section could also be subtitled Konatsu and Nii, ftr. But basically with Cain gone and with Konatsu feeling really hurt and sad and alone, he turns to people who he feels know more about these kind of situations/people who can give him a sense of emotional validation. In his mind, Nii and Raph fit this bill. But Nii being gone that only leaves Raph, really. So pretty much, Konatsu is gravitating toward Raph at this moment not only because he thinks that Raph knows more about how to cope with the kind of things that he's dealing with, but also because he knows that Raph likes him, Raph wants him, to a certain degree, and being told he's something desirably either verbally or through physical contact at the very least helps Konatsu abate the empty feelings of lonely worthlessness that are sort of gnawing constantly at him. Raph has essentially become Konatsu's fuckbuddy sans fucking. When he's really feeling eaten up and alone, he knows that if nothing else, he can go to Raph and Raph will kiss him and touch him and in that moment he can really feel like somebody wants/needs him.
In his mind, regardless of how he identifies his emotions toward Cain (which will be addressed later) this isn't cheating to him, because he sees Raph as a friend, he knows Raph sees him as a friend, and this is just physical contact, nothing more. It still stings a little because of this, but Konatsu just really tries to cover that up by trying to get more of it. This is totally healthy, guys. Of course this all wouldn't be quite as necessary if it weren't for what's going on with . . .
Konatsu and Takanari
With Cain gone now Takanari is/was pretty much at the top of Konatsu's "most important people" list. Except that Konatsu had been so caught up in Cain that he hadn't really noticed that somewhere along the line Takanari started acting more distant toward him. And of course by the time that Cain does leave, the distance is already there. Konatsu does, to a certain extent, get some of the support that he needs from Takanari, though it also comes at the cost of continually being rebuffed by Takanari whenever Konatsu attempts to get back into the swing of things that are more the norm for them. Of course, given what's just happened with Cain, Konatsu isn't really at a point where he's wanting to push this too hard. After all, if Takanari is going to easily let him create a distance for his own self-protection, then he's not going to fight it. He's got Raph to provide instant comfort when he needs it anyway.
It isn't until Raph points out that something might actually be wrong with Takanari that the plan sort of crumbles around Konatsu's head. He feels horrible, for one, for being so self-absorbed that he hasn't realized that Takanari's been acting strangely, and incredibly upset with himself that having failed to notice, he's to an extent failed Takanari as a friend and failed to help in a situation where he could have been beneficial. Now all this would have been fine and dandy if Takanari had actually told Konatsu what was wrong and let Konatsu puppy dog eye at him and help him in the way that Konatsu thinks solves his friend's problems but Takanari didn't. Essentially what Takanari did was kick Konatsu in the soul at a point in time when Konatsu was already both having doubts about his relationships and simultaneously craving emotional validation when he outright refused to comfort Konatsu while he was crying and went so far as to imply that they were no longer friends as long as Konatsu insisted on hurting himself in caring for Konatsu. He also really insulted Konatsu's sense of what it means to be friends when he implied that he felt Konatsu should be angry at him because, in Konatsu's eyes, anger is not an emotion that should be used on friends. (more on this later)
The shock of this really sent Konatsu reeling. For one because he thought Takanari was his friend, his closest friend, and Takanari didn't want that. And for two that Takanari implied that he was going about being friends in the wrong way. Essentially what this means is that Konatsu retreated back into his coping mechanisms for this sort of thing which simplifies to lumping Takanari in with his family and his classmates from the military academy. If Takanari doesn't want him, then Konatsu will accept that, because he doesn't need to be wanted. At least that's what he'd been trying to tell himself in his head until we got to . . .
Konatsu and Shizumasa
Now in Konatsu's head, Takanari and Shizumasa have always been pretty much equivalent to one another. Konatsu considers Shizumasa as much of a friend as he does Takanari, though for different reasons. Where Takanari and Konatsu have coped and befriended each other through mutual derpfail, Konatsu admired and respects Shizumasa for the fact that Shizumasa manages to poke at his issues and actually generally gets him to do something about them. Case in point, at one point in time both Konatsu and Shizumasa were blaming themselves for something or another (I can't remember exactly what now) and Shizumasa told him pretty much that he would forgive Konatsu if Konatsu forgave himself and vice versa. And Konatsu insanely appreciated this. It was something he'd never thought of before and it was really touching to him so it sort of got Shizumasa a position of insta-approval and wisdom in Konatsu's mind.
With Takanari sort of demoted in Konatsu's mind due to PUNCHING HIM IN THE GODDAMN SOUL, Shizumasa defaults to Konatsu's number one. And this actually pretty much worked for him in that Shizumasa gave Konatsu the physical and emotional support he needed by touching him, talking to him, and generally helping him work through the mess of issues that is also Takanari. AND THIS IS WHY KONATSU REALLY ADORES SHIZUMASA. Despite the fact that Shizumasa essentially drove a steamroller right over the mental repression walls that Konatsu had solidified over the past four years to keep his family issues at bay. Lolz.
Essentially, Konatsu does not think of his parents or his family as in any way formative of the person he is today. He does not believe that their neglect of him is in any way an issue because he's convinced that, despite the fact that he bases a lot of self-worth on the approval of others, he doesn't live as though he needs to be a necessity to any other person. Shizumasa sort of tore this philosophy a new one when he mentioned that he thought that Konatsu might still be affected by what his parents did to him. This coming straight on the heels of Konatsu using his tried and true family tested coping mechanisms to deal with Takanari's rejection has kind of thrown his entire sense of social interaction for a loop because now he's wondering if he needs his friends for validation or to define himself as necessary. Because if he is relying on other people to support himself, his self image, and his ego, then that's exactly what he promised himself he wouldn't do. He told himself that he would do what he wanted regardless of if anyone saw himself as necessary or not. And all of this coming right on the heels of his personal coping mechanism of comparing Takanari, his friend, to his parents and everyone who's doubted him just solidifies in his mind that he was, in some way, he's been using Takanari to validate himself, to feel necessary and wanted, and if he's been using Takanari to that end, then he could have been using every single one of his friends and that's bad and wrong and he's not supposed to be doing that! So now this pretty much throws all his relationships into a state of extreme doubt.
And since I can't really find a good segue here, I'll just talk about . . .
Konatsu and Shuri
Now Konatsu and Shuri's relationship is sort of a huge rollercoaster. I've essayed on it before! But basically it has somehow progressed from Konatsu seeing Shuri as a hassle and a burden to seeing him as a friend to now hanging around with him partially out of a sense of emotional obligation and partially out of a sense of friendship. Now when I say emotional obligation, this is where we get into the fact that Konatsu is kind of strange in how he mentally identifies the emotions he feels for Cain. See, by now Konatsu has finally at long last recognized the fact that Shuri loves him. And he basically has no clue how to cope with this so he just tries his best to be a good friend to Shuri and not make him upset. The reason for this is because Konatsu equates what Shuri must feel for him to what he felt for Cain despite the fact that he does not personally identify the emotion he has for Cain as love. But regardless, knowing how upset Konatsu would be if Cain was angry at him or upset with him for whatever reason, Konatsu tries to not be upset or angry with Shuri.
Shuri being Shuri means that this isn't always going to work just as planned for Konatsu. Yet with Konatsu dealing with Shuri's feelings in this way means that whenever he upsets Shuri, he almost immediately rebounds with a huge sense of guilt and feeling of obligation to apologize to Shuri and make amends, regardless of whether or not he actually regrets what he's done. Which has most recently come into play with regard to . . .
Konatsu and Devit
Which can alternately be subtitled as Konatsu and Mikage. Now the sum of the back story on this section is that, for all that Konatsu has been beaten up by the world and emotionally abused by his parents, family, etc. etc. he doesn't just lie back and take it. He has a healthy amount of rage that he just excellently suppresses in order to put forward a professional, proper, and mannered front. But every so often something comes along that snaps him and pretty much makes him rage the fuck out.
Now more often than not, this rage comes out in regards to Konatsu's sense of duty to the Black Hawks and the Barsburg Empire because, after all, he's a soldier and it's perfectly acceptable for a soldier to hate his enemies! So with people like Mikage, who is an enemy who tries to befriend him, and Devit who is an enemy who tries to befriend Shuri, Konatsu is far more inclined to hatred than he is toward anything else. After all, they're his enemies and he's their enemy and enemies are not allowed to be friends! Anyone who doesn't understand this is an idiot in Konatsu's mind, someone who's deserving of any harm that comes their way and any hatred and scorn that he throws at them.
Mikage warranted this hatred fairly quickly due to how he acted towards Konatsu whereas with Devit it was more of a slow build that suddenly spiked with the turn of recent events. Mainly, Konatsu didn't full on rage hate Devit until fairly recently. He thought that Devit was annoying, yes. He thought that Devit was rude and vapid and inconsiderate, yes, but he didn't really get all out rage at him. But it's mostly due to the fact that he started to suspect Shuri of being friends with Devit that put Devit into the category of "people who are fools who deserve my spite and anger and RAGE” And the fact that Devit is dating Hakuren and has a tattoo of one of the Ghosts on his arm that makes this rage much easier for Konatsu to justify. Because while Konatsu could justify hating Shuri for the same reasons, he wouldn't be able to sustain that anger because a) Shuri loves him and Konatsu feels guilty for it and b) Shuri is a member of the military, not the church, and is therefore not his enemy.
In Summary
Konatsu's mind is...really fucked up right now. He wants friends but he doesn't want to be hurt when they leave, he wants emotional recognition and to feel wanted but wants it without feeling like he's using people to validate his own self-worth. And all the while he's got rage issues and emotional instability inasmuch as he can't even really properly identify what he feels towards his own most important person. These issues, however, don't really come out that much unless Konatsu's interacting with someone he really trusts and considers a close friend. So he can play normal-albeit stressed out normal-around people like Kazuki, Cheryl, Elliot, Guy, Risa, etc., but when it comes to anyone else, out come the issues.
Comments? Questions? I am sleeping now.
~*KONATSU'S HEAD -or- a trip through the Issue Forest*~
So the easiest way to do this, I realized, is to break Konatsu's issues down by the relationships that exemplify them. With that being said, we begin with . . .
Konatsu and Cain
Mostly, Konatsu's current bout of issues started up about the time that Cain left. Plainly put, Cain was probably the most important relationship that Konatsu has had up to this point in time in his life. Unlike Hyuuga-who Konatsu met through his ambition to join the Black Hawks and formed a relationship with as a superior officer first, friend second-or Takanari-who he bonded with at first through the Sekirei game and then later developed a close friendship with-or even Shuri-who is just a whole other bag of worms-Cain was the first friend that Konatsu ever made entirely based upon his own efforts and actions. There was no emotional bond or sense of duty or responsibility that jump-started their relationship, it was just Konatsu running across Cain in a variety of bizarre situations, developing an interest in him, and developing a sense of caring about him and further a sense of friendship. He sympathized with Cain, with his situation, with his sense of self and he was insanely proud of himself for the fact that he and Cain could still find things to talk about, that he could help Cain with his issues in his own somewhat derpy tsundere fail way.
And then all that got pulled out from under him without so much as a warning leaving him with only a letter and a CD for his efforts. Now, obviously, it's not so much that Konatsu resents Cain because that's absolutely not the case. If anything, Konatsu's feelings for Cain have grown stronger since he left, mostly because of the letter and the CD. But, what it has done is ultimately fuck with Konatsu's sense of what it means to make friends in camp and his understanding of camp as a whole. While camp has been a great place for Konatsu to develop his social skills and learn what it means to make friends, the point is getting driven in now that the friends he makes here aren't permanent. There's no guarantee that they'll be with him a year from now or even a month from now. They could leave without warning, without being able to say anything in the way of a goodbye, and all that he'll be left with are memories and a distinctive lack where there used to be someone that he could rely on.
So in sum, Cain leaving has really made Konatsu wary of every close relationship he has in camp. He doesn't know if he should preserve himself and just stop now while he's ahead or keep on trying to make friends knowing that it's going to just make it hurt more. But at the same time he does feel a sense of abandonment and it's sort of hitting him hard in the self worth which leads to . . .
Konatsu and Raphael
This section could also be subtitled Konatsu and Nii, ftr. But basically with Cain gone and with Konatsu feeling really hurt and sad and alone, he turns to people who he feels know more about these kind of situations/people who can give him a sense of emotional validation. In his mind, Nii and Raph fit this bill. But Nii being gone that only leaves Raph, really. So pretty much, Konatsu is gravitating toward Raph at this moment not only because he thinks that Raph knows more about how to cope with the kind of things that he's dealing with, but also because he knows that Raph likes him, Raph wants him, to a certain degree, and being told he's something desirably either verbally or through physical contact at the very least helps Konatsu abate the empty feelings of lonely worthlessness that are sort of gnawing constantly at him. Raph has essentially become Konatsu's fuckbuddy sans fucking. When he's really feeling eaten up and alone, he knows that if nothing else, he can go to Raph and Raph will kiss him and touch him and in that moment he can really feel like somebody wants/needs him.
In his mind, regardless of how he identifies his emotions toward Cain (which will be addressed later) this isn't cheating to him, because he sees Raph as a friend, he knows Raph sees him as a friend, and this is just physical contact, nothing more. It still stings a little because of this, but Konatsu just really tries to cover that up by trying to get more of it. This is totally healthy, guys. Of course this all wouldn't be quite as necessary if it weren't for what's going on with . . .
Konatsu and Takanari
With Cain gone now Takanari is/was pretty much at the top of Konatsu's "most important people" list. Except that Konatsu had been so caught up in Cain that he hadn't really noticed that somewhere along the line Takanari started acting more distant toward him. And of course by the time that Cain does leave, the distance is already there. Konatsu does, to a certain extent, get some of the support that he needs from Takanari, though it also comes at the cost of continually being rebuffed by Takanari whenever Konatsu attempts to get back into the swing of things that are more the norm for them. Of course, given what's just happened with Cain, Konatsu isn't really at a point where he's wanting to push this too hard. After all, if Takanari is going to easily let him create a distance for his own self-protection, then he's not going to fight it. He's got Raph to provide instant comfort when he needs it anyway.
It isn't until Raph points out that something might actually be wrong with Takanari that the plan sort of crumbles around Konatsu's head. He feels horrible, for one, for being so self-absorbed that he hasn't realized that Takanari's been acting strangely, and incredibly upset with himself that having failed to notice, he's to an extent failed Takanari as a friend and failed to help in a situation where he could have been beneficial. Now all this would have been fine and dandy if Takanari had actually told Konatsu what was wrong and let Konatsu puppy dog eye at him and help him in the way that Konatsu thinks solves his friend's problems but Takanari didn't. Essentially what Takanari did was kick Konatsu in the soul at a point in time when Konatsu was already both having doubts about his relationships and simultaneously craving emotional validation when he outright refused to comfort Konatsu while he was crying and went so far as to imply that they were no longer friends as long as Konatsu insisted on hurting himself in caring for Konatsu. He also really insulted Konatsu's sense of what it means to be friends when he implied that he felt Konatsu should be angry at him because, in Konatsu's eyes, anger is not an emotion that should be used on friends. (more on this later)
The shock of this really sent Konatsu reeling. For one because he thought Takanari was his friend, his closest friend, and Takanari didn't want that. And for two that Takanari implied that he was going about being friends in the wrong way. Essentially what this means is that Konatsu retreated back into his coping mechanisms for this sort of thing which simplifies to lumping Takanari in with his family and his classmates from the military academy. If Takanari doesn't want him, then Konatsu will accept that, because he doesn't need to be wanted. At least that's what he'd been trying to tell himself in his head until we got to . . .
Konatsu and Shizumasa
Now in Konatsu's head, Takanari and Shizumasa have always been pretty much equivalent to one another. Konatsu considers Shizumasa as much of a friend as he does Takanari, though for different reasons. Where Takanari and Konatsu have coped and befriended each other through mutual derpfail, Konatsu admired and respects Shizumasa for the fact that Shizumasa manages to poke at his issues and actually generally gets him to do something about them. Case in point, at one point in time both Konatsu and Shizumasa were blaming themselves for something or another (I can't remember exactly what now) and Shizumasa told him pretty much that he would forgive Konatsu if Konatsu forgave himself and vice versa. And Konatsu insanely appreciated this. It was something he'd never thought of before and it was really touching to him so it sort of got Shizumasa a position of insta-approval and wisdom in Konatsu's mind.
With Takanari sort of demoted in Konatsu's mind due to PUNCHING HIM IN THE GODDAMN SOUL, Shizumasa defaults to Konatsu's number one. And this actually pretty much worked for him in that Shizumasa gave Konatsu the physical and emotional support he needed by touching him, talking to him, and generally helping him work through the mess of issues that is also Takanari. AND THIS IS WHY KONATSU REALLY ADORES SHIZUMASA. Despite the fact that Shizumasa essentially drove a steamroller right over the mental repression walls that Konatsu had solidified over the past four years to keep his family issues at bay. Lolz.
Essentially, Konatsu does not think of his parents or his family as in any way formative of the person he is today. He does not believe that their neglect of him is in any way an issue because he's convinced that, despite the fact that he bases a lot of self-worth on the approval of others, he doesn't live as though he needs to be a necessity to any other person. Shizumasa sort of tore this philosophy a new one when he mentioned that he thought that Konatsu might still be affected by what his parents did to him. This coming straight on the heels of Konatsu using his tried and true family tested coping mechanisms to deal with Takanari's rejection has kind of thrown his entire sense of social interaction for a loop because now he's wondering if he needs his friends for validation or to define himself as necessary. Because if he is relying on other people to support himself, his self image, and his ego, then that's exactly what he promised himself he wouldn't do. He told himself that he would do what he wanted regardless of if anyone saw himself as necessary or not. And all of this coming right on the heels of his personal coping mechanism of comparing Takanari, his friend, to his parents and everyone who's doubted him just solidifies in his mind that he was, in some way, he's been using Takanari to validate himself, to feel necessary and wanted, and if he's been using Takanari to that end, then he could have been using every single one of his friends and that's bad and wrong and he's not supposed to be doing that! So now this pretty much throws all his relationships into a state of extreme doubt.
And since I can't really find a good segue here, I'll just talk about . . .
Konatsu and Shuri
Now Konatsu and Shuri's relationship is sort of a huge rollercoaster. I've essayed on it before! But basically it has somehow progressed from Konatsu seeing Shuri as a hassle and a burden to seeing him as a friend to now hanging around with him partially out of a sense of emotional obligation and partially out of a sense of friendship. Now when I say emotional obligation, this is where we get into the fact that Konatsu is kind of strange in how he mentally identifies the emotions he feels for Cain. See, by now Konatsu has finally at long last recognized the fact that Shuri loves him. And he basically has no clue how to cope with this so he just tries his best to be a good friend to Shuri and not make him upset. The reason for this is because Konatsu equates what Shuri must feel for him to what he felt for Cain despite the fact that he does not personally identify the emotion he has for Cain as love. But regardless, knowing how upset Konatsu would be if Cain was angry at him or upset with him for whatever reason, Konatsu tries to not be upset or angry with Shuri.
Shuri being Shuri means that this isn't always going to work just as planned for Konatsu. Yet with Konatsu dealing with Shuri's feelings in this way means that whenever he upsets Shuri, he almost immediately rebounds with a huge sense of guilt and feeling of obligation to apologize to Shuri and make amends, regardless of whether or not he actually regrets what he's done. Which has most recently come into play with regard to . . .
Konatsu and Devit
Which can alternately be subtitled as Konatsu and Mikage. Now the sum of the back story on this section is that, for all that Konatsu has been beaten up by the world and emotionally abused by his parents, family, etc. etc. he doesn't just lie back and take it. He has a healthy amount of rage that he just excellently suppresses in order to put forward a professional, proper, and mannered front. But every so often something comes along that snaps him and pretty much makes him rage the fuck out.
Now more often than not, this rage comes out in regards to Konatsu's sense of duty to the Black Hawks and the Barsburg Empire because, after all, he's a soldier and it's perfectly acceptable for a soldier to hate his enemies! So with people like Mikage, who is an enemy who tries to befriend him, and Devit who is an enemy who tries to befriend Shuri, Konatsu is far more inclined to hatred than he is toward anything else. After all, they're his enemies and he's their enemy and enemies are not allowed to be friends! Anyone who doesn't understand this is an idiot in Konatsu's mind, someone who's deserving of any harm that comes their way and any hatred and scorn that he throws at them.
Mikage warranted this hatred fairly quickly due to how he acted towards Konatsu whereas with Devit it was more of a slow build that suddenly spiked with the turn of recent events. Mainly, Konatsu didn't full on rage hate Devit until fairly recently. He thought that Devit was annoying, yes. He thought that Devit was rude and vapid and inconsiderate, yes, but he didn't really get all out rage at him. But it's mostly due to the fact that he started to suspect Shuri of being friends with Devit that put Devit into the category of "people who are fools who deserve my spite and anger and RAGE” And the fact that Devit is dating Hakuren and has a tattoo of one of the Ghosts on his arm that makes this rage much easier for Konatsu to justify. Because while Konatsu could justify hating Shuri for the same reasons, he wouldn't be able to sustain that anger because a) Shuri loves him and Konatsu feels guilty for it and b) Shuri is a member of the military, not the church, and is therefore not his enemy.
In Summary
Konatsu's mind is...really fucked up right now. He wants friends but he doesn't want to be hurt when they leave, he wants emotional recognition and to feel wanted but wants it without feeling like he's using people to validate his own self-worth. And all the while he's got rage issues and emotional instability inasmuch as he can't even really properly identify what he feels towards his own most important person. These issues, however, don't really come out that much unless Konatsu's interacting with someone he really trusts and considers a close friend. So he can play normal-albeit stressed out normal-around people like Kazuki, Cheryl, Elliot, Guy, Risa, etc., but when it comes to anyone else, out come the issues.
Comments? Questions? I am sleeping now.