(no subject)
In our walking away, we do not make harmony in the truest sense of the word. In walking away, we in essence merely separate two components-- in this case we separate two individuals. There is no 'agreement in action, sense, or feeling' produced by our walking away. There is merely a separation. There is merely an absence of visible conflict. Though a harmonious interaction results in an absence of conflict, an absence of conflict does not necessarily mean that a harmonious interaction has occurred.
So while there may be very good reasons for walking away from a potentially conflictual situation or a potentially dangerous situation, more often than not, our reasons are not especially good and not especially noble. More often than not, we walk away based on fear without being aware that we are doing so.
In these cases, we essentially have two choices. We can walk away and avoid the conflict altogether, or we can stay and attempt to produce the "agreement in feeling, attitude, or action." But universal law seems to dictate that we attract that which we fear. So it is likely, that if we are afraid, we will in fact, produce the very outcome we fear. The interaction will in fact, culminate in conflict, rather than harmony. So we walk away as the "lesser of two evils" so to speak. The choice is ours to make and it may seem (and in fact be) wholly appropriate to walk away. But it's important to recognize that we have acted out of fear and we have not "made harmony," with that person, we have merely avoided conflict.
Another big misconception is that making harmony means "giving in." So let's look carefully at this as a strategy for making harmony with others. Most of us have thought these thoughts at some point. "I didn't want to get into a fight, so I just gave in to him." "I didn't want to argue so I just let her have her way." "Ok-- we'll do it your way," we say, "I didn't feel like arguing, so I just agreed that she was right."
It appears, in these instances, that we have "made harmony." But we have not. We have merely avoided conflict, which, as we have already established, is not the same thing. Here again, there is no "agreement in feeling and attitude." In fact, the more likely result is that the one who "gave in," is likely to build up a reservoir of resentment that will later lead to discord in the relationship-- perhaps even the dissolution of the relationship. In these cases, there are two separate "feeling states" -- two separate "attitudes." One is expressed, the other is not. If there are two separate tones -- one heard, the other not, there is no harmony. There is no "simultaneous combination of tones-- blended into a chord that is pleasing to the ear." There is only a single note. And a single note cannot produce harmony.
In this same way, we can begin to let go of our fear-based behaviors. The "golden key" is awareness. Without awareness we have no choice. In fact, choice implies awareness. One of the most oft cited lines of Dr. Feldenkrais is: "If you know what you are doing, you can do what you want." In this particular case, the reverse is also true: "If we don't know what we are doing, we can't do what we want." In short, if we are unaware of what we are doing-- if we are unaware that we are acting based on fear-- we cannot choose to do otherwise for the simple reason that we don't even know there is a choice to be made. If you aren't aware that you are thirsty, you are not likely to get yourself a glass of water.
...
It is not important at first, to connect your behavior to a specific fear. For example, suppose you find yourself being critical of another person. Begin by simply noticing that you are being critical and begin to entertain the idea that your behavior may be rooted in fear. Then, as you become better at noticing in the moment that you are behaving in a critical, deceitful, hesitant, selfish, or some other negative manner, you can begin to reflect on what you might fear.
Best selling author and psychologist, John Gray, provides two perfect examples of this process. "I used to judge others," he says, "for being arrogant. I hated people who were full of themselves. Later on, I discovered that I felt that way because deep inside I was worried that others might see me as arrogant and reject me. Since I was not facing those inner fears, I was holding myself back from ever appearing arrogant in any way." He goes on to say that once he realized this, he stopped getting upset when he noticed someone who was arrogant.
...
When you begin the process of discerning specifically, what it is you fear, you may not want to stop at what comes to you first. Often what comes to you first is a sort of mask for an even deeper fear.
For examples, suppose you wanted to express something verbally and you did not. Ask yourself why not? Often times we might be tempted to answer this question by saying: "I was afraid that I would hurt his or her feelings." While it may be true that you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, you are also, quite possibly, afraid for yourself. So you may wish to go further because what you really fear may lie deeper. You may find that what you really fear then, is rejection.
...
Becoming aware of our deep, and often subconscious fears then, is the first step in un-learning our fear-based behaviors. And because it is our fear-based behaviors that lie at the heart of much of our disharmonious interactions with others, this type of self-awareness is the golden key that opens the door to interpersonal harmony.
...
But when we look at life itself as our "dojo," then everyone becomes our teacher. Every interaction that we have with another person is an opportunity to become more aware -- more conscious of what as been to date been hidden from view -- of what has to date been prompting our compulsive, habitual behavior -- of what as to date, been limiting our choices -- of what as to date been leading to our disharmonious relationships with others.
..."I had the perception," she says, "naively so, that everybody wanted to be healthy. I no longer believe that." She suggests in fact, that "healing is exceedingly unattractive." "Why is this?" she inquires.
She first discusses what she refers to as "woundology" -- our tendency to use our wounds as a way of bonding with one another or as a means to a more intimate relationship with another. She explains how we "convert our wounds into power and then we become addicted to that power." In short, we use our wounds to control others and we are not so willing to give up that control.
...
Dr. Miss ultimately comes to the following conclusion. We strongly believe, she says -- even if that belief is not a conscious one -- that if we let go of our wounds, our life is going to change dramatically. She further suggests that "we are more afraid of change than we are of death."
...
To say that we fear change, beyond all else, is tantamount to saying that we fear "losing control" beyond all else -- or to saying that we fear "not knowing," beyond all else. My God! What will my life look like if I make this change, or that change -- if I let go of the perspectives that have ordered my world for so long -- if I forgave all those who I believe have wronged me -- if I actually became pain free? What will happen if all my "excuses" because null and void?
What would my life look like if I could no longer project responsibility for my life onto someone else? What would my life look like if I could no longer motivate others to carry the load that the universe or God intended me to carry? What would my world look like if I could no longer intimidate others, via verbal abuse, to do things my way -- or to get them to change? What would my life look like if I simply accepted others as they are?
What would my life look like if I accepted the "no's" of others instead of interpreting their "no" as a "maybe," and interpreting their "maybe's" as a "yes." What would my life look like if I could no longer use guilt messages in order to get my way or manipulate people into wanting to be around me? My God! I might be abandoned by everyone. How would I get the emotional support that I need if I no longer manipulated others in order to get that support?
...
It is the fear of losing control then, that must be confronted. If we do not, this fear will inevitably rear its ugly head in all of our relationships. On a personal level, it may keep up from establishing relationships in the first place and it may keep us from deepening the intimacy level of the relationships that we have. But even if this were not true. it will undoubtedly, in all realms of life, keep us from interacting harmoniously with others.
So while there may be very good reasons for walking away from a potentially conflictual situation or a potentially dangerous situation, more often than not, our reasons are not especially good and not especially noble. More often than not, we walk away based on fear without being aware that we are doing so.
In these cases, we essentially have two choices. We can walk away and avoid the conflict altogether, or we can stay and attempt to produce the "agreement in feeling, attitude, or action." But universal law seems to dictate that we attract that which we fear. So it is likely, that if we are afraid, we will in fact, produce the very outcome we fear. The interaction will in fact, culminate in conflict, rather than harmony. So we walk away as the "lesser of two evils" so to speak. The choice is ours to make and it may seem (and in fact be) wholly appropriate to walk away. But it's important to recognize that we have acted out of fear and we have not "made harmony," with that person, we have merely avoided conflict.
Another big misconception is that making harmony means "giving in." So let's look carefully at this as a strategy for making harmony with others. Most of us have thought these thoughts at some point. "I didn't want to get into a fight, so I just gave in to him." "I didn't want to argue so I just let her have her way." "Ok-- we'll do it your way," we say, "I didn't feel like arguing, so I just agreed that she was right."
It appears, in these instances, that we have "made harmony." But we have not. We have merely avoided conflict, which, as we have already established, is not the same thing. Here again, there is no "agreement in feeling and attitude." In fact, the more likely result is that the one who "gave in," is likely to build up a reservoir of resentment that will later lead to discord in the relationship-- perhaps even the dissolution of the relationship. In these cases, there are two separate "feeling states" -- two separate "attitudes." One is expressed, the other is not. If there are two separate tones -- one heard, the other not, there is no harmony. There is no "simultaneous combination of tones-- blended into a chord that is pleasing to the ear." There is only a single note. And a single note cannot produce harmony.
In this same way, we can begin to let go of our fear-based behaviors. The "golden key" is awareness. Without awareness we have no choice. In fact, choice implies awareness. One of the most oft cited lines of Dr. Feldenkrais is: "If you know what you are doing, you can do what you want." In this particular case, the reverse is also true: "If we don't know what we are doing, we can't do what we want." In short, if we are unaware of what we are doing-- if we are unaware that we are acting based on fear-- we cannot choose to do otherwise for the simple reason that we don't even know there is a choice to be made. If you aren't aware that you are thirsty, you are not likely to get yourself a glass of water.
...
It is not important at first, to connect your behavior to a specific fear. For example, suppose you find yourself being critical of another person. Begin by simply noticing that you are being critical and begin to entertain the idea that your behavior may be rooted in fear. Then, as you become better at noticing in the moment that you are behaving in a critical, deceitful, hesitant, selfish, or some other negative manner, you can begin to reflect on what you might fear.
Best selling author and psychologist, John Gray, provides two perfect examples of this process. "I used to judge others," he says, "for being arrogant. I hated people who were full of themselves. Later on, I discovered that I felt that way because deep inside I was worried that others might see me as arrogant and reject me. Since I was not facing those inner fears, I was holding myself back from ever appearing arrogant in any way." He goes on to say that once he realized this, he stopped getting upset when he noticed someone who was arrogant.
...
When you begin the process of discerning specifically, what it is you fear, you may not want to stop at what comes to you first. Often what comes to you first is a sort of mask for an even deeper fear.
For examples, suppose you wanted to express something verbally and you did not. Ask yourself why not? Often times we might be tempted to answer this question by saying: "I was afraid that I would hurt his or her feelings." While it may be true that you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, you are also, quite possibly, afraid for yourself. So you may wish to go further because what you really fear may lie deeper. You may find that what you really fear then, is rejection.
...
Becoming aware of our deep, and often subconscious fears then, is the first step in un-learning our fear-based behaviors. And because it is our fear-based behaviors that lie at the heart of much of our disharmonious interactions with others, this type of self-awareness is the golden key that opens the door to interpersonal harmony.
...
But when we look at life itself as our "dojo," then everyone becomes our teacher. Every interaction that we have with another person is an opportunity to become more aware -- more conscious of what as been to date been hidden from view -- of what has to date been prompting our compulsive, habitual behavior -- of what as to date, been limiting our choices -- of what as to date been leading to our disharmonious relationships with others.
..."I had the perception," she says, "naively so, that everybody wanted to be healthy. I no longer believe that." She suggests in fact, that "healing is exceedingly unattractive." "Why is this?" she inquires.
She first discusses what she refers to as "woundology" -- our tendency to use our wounds as a way of bonding with one another or as a means to a more intimate relationship with another. She explains how we "convert our wounds into power and then we become addicted to that power." In short, we use our wounds to control others and we are not so willing to give up that control.
...
Dr. Miss ultimately comes to the following conclusion. We strongly believe, she says -- even if that belief is not a conscious one -- that if we let go of our wounds, our life is going to change dramatically. She further suggests that "we are more afraid of change than we are of death."
...
To say that we fear change, beyond all else, is tantamount to saying that we fear "losing control" beyond all else -- or to saying that we fear "not knowing," beyond all else. My God! What will my life look like if I make this change, or that change -- if I let go of the perspectives that have ordered my world for so long -- if I forgave all those who I believe have wronged me -- if I actually became pain free? What will happen if all my "excuses" because null and void?
What would my life look like if I could no longer project responsibility for my life onto someone else? What would my life look like if I could no longer motivate others to carry the load that the universe or God intended me to carry? What would my world look like if I could no longer intimidate others, via verbal abuse, to do things my way -- or to get them to change? What would my life look like if I simply accepted others as they are?
What would my life look like if I accepted the "no's" of others instead of interpreting their "no" as a "maybe," and interpreting their "maybe's" as a "yes." What would my life look like if I could no longer use guilt messages in order to get my way or manipulate people into wanting to be around me? My God! I might be abandoned by everyone. How would I get the emotional support that I need if I no longer manipulated others in order to get that support?
...
It is the fear of losing control then, that must be confronted. If we do not, this fear will inevitably rear its ugly head in all of our relationships. On a personal level, it may keep up from establishing relationships in the first place and it may keep us from deepening the intimacy level of the relationships that we have. But even if this were not true. it will undoubtedly, in all realms of life, keep us from interacting harmoniously with others.