fic - untenable [haven]
Title: Untenable
Series: Moments of Haven
Summary: Nope, nothing resolved here, either.
Untenable
A Moment of Haven
They were both a little surprised by how quickly it set in. One moment he was fine, beating Heero at a game of gin, and the next, his hand was trembling so badly his cards fell to the bed. Their eyes met then, somber acknowledgment passing between them as the cards crept their way towards the floor. They blinked, and then Heero went to gather up the cards as Duo set his arm down on his blankets and glared at it, willing it to stop. It only twitched harder. His other hand was employed to help weigh down its disobedient brother, but that, too, proved insufficient. Duo was contemplating what avenues were left to him when Heero removed the unhelpful appendage and took up the trembling hand with his own. With his one hand curling with a gentle firmness around Duo's, his other hand played warmly and calmly across the length of Duo's uncooperative forearm, gradually stroking the tremors away.
Duo stared most studiously at the line where the wall met the ceiling. Heero concentrated his gaze on the skin beneath his fingers.
Duo shifted uncomfortably on the bed, an itch beginning in his lower back that he just knew was sure to develop into a cramp that spread across his abdomen. Though they had not spoken much conversationally during their card game, now he sought distraction. "Guess I win, then."
"Hm?" Heero looked up from their hands, but found Duo still studying the far wall.
"The game. I was winning when it ended."
Heero opened his mouth to respond automatically, a counter comment on forfeiting prepared to spring forth from his lips, but he withdrew before it emerged as an unfortunate reminder of Duo's situation. Caught without a backup retort, he fell silent for a few long seconds before he was compelled to hold up his end of the uneasy conversation with a tentative offering. "I was catching up."
"Too little, too late."
Well, that hadn't been very bantering. "I'll get you next time."
"We'll see."
Nor had that. Duo was the one that needed the distraction. If he couldn't provide for it himself, then Heero would have to step into the breach. "Were you interested instead in..." He trailed off, having started the question earlier than he really ought to have. He'd just been a little too eager to fill the void.
Duo squeezed his hand reflexively as a muscle spasm caught him unawares, but loosened his grip as soon as he was able.
"You... do want distraction... right?" Heero asked tentatively, no longer certain of what Duo wanted. He may have wanted distraction, but not by Heero. He may have wanted to concentrate on getting through this. He may have been silently begging Heero to break him out of this hospital, and Heero wasn't so sure he'd know it.
The hand in his tightened again, but there was no accompanying spasm. Duo turned towards him, lips parted as if about to say something, but he retreated once more with an unreadable expression.
Heero sighed softly to himself. This was getting near intolerable. He had to say something, and failing any other brilliant ideas, this would have to be it. "Duo... I'm sorry."
"No, you're not." The rebuttal was neither swift nor forceful. It was just quiet resignation. "You think you made the right decision."
He put off responding for a while to wait out another spasm. In the silence, he slid his fingers inconspicuously around Duo's wrist and set them against the vein. He was checking for an irregular pulse, yes, but he was also not coincidentally reassured by the strong sense of life. "I do," he admitted in time. "But I should have considered what choice you would have made. I should have taken that into account..."
"...And then you still would have chose what you did."
Their disagreement hadn't taken away all of their abilities to analyze each other. He exhaled audibly again, not with regret, but with sad recognition of an untenable situation. "Yes, I would. But I would have dealt with it differently."
"Doesn't really matter what sort of spin you put on it. It still is what it is."
"I could have made it your choice. I could have made my choice temporary, just a stand-in until you could make your own. I would have asked you immediately instead of just going with it... That would have been better... wouldn't it?"
Duo held his breath meditatively for a moment, then let it out tiredly. "I don't know, Heero. Maybe?" He clenched his teeth as a cramp lured him into arching his back in a full-body flinch.
Unable to sit back, regardless of the state of their relationship, Heero released Duo's hand in favor of his sides, doing the same he had done to his arm to ease the wrung out muscles. Duo closed his eyes and bore it silently. When the nerves had calmed, Heero was unable to keep his hands from lingering, a wistful gesture he managed to turn into a practical one, running the back of his hand over Duo's forehead and down the side of his face. His temperature was elevated. Heero wouldn't be surprised if chills set in. He glanced around, wondering where he could find extra blankets.
Duo called his attention back by murmuring his name softly. Eyes open and alert, he stared at the ceiling now. A change for the better, perhaps. "I'm tired," he whispered.
Heero nodded in understanding, preparing to withdraw. He fluffed half-heartedly at the pillow. "Is there anything..."
"No, I mean..." He swallowed with a wince. Heero took that as a sign to pour a glass of water. Glad for the opportunity to stall, Duo took up the glass, watching fascinatedly as his hand refused to hold steady under the weight until Heero reached out to support it. He held it still for his partner, but let it neither rise nor fall until he had reached down into his bag of supplies, pulled out a straw, and put it in the cup. Supporting the cup against his chest, Duo was able to drink under his own power. "Gee, think of everything, don't ya?"
Heero took his seat again, his head hanging repentantly as he studied the hands in his lap. "Apparently not."
"Look, Heero..." He chewed nervously on his lower lip, then noticed its condition. "Man, I need some lip balm..."
It was immediately produced, and halfway through the application, Duo stopped what he was doing and gave himself a mental kick in the head, running a hand through his bangs. "Okay, that was so not what I was going to say. Heero..." His partner cast an expectantly patient look at him through downcast lashes. That made it easier and harder to say what he wanted to say. He fiddled with the stick of lip balm before setting it carefully down on the table next to his bed. "...I don't know what's going on in my head right now. I don't foresee knowing... for a while. I don't understand why I feel the way that I do, and it really sucks that I'm mad at you and I don't even know why, and I wanna stop, really, I do, but I can't just let it drop, and I can't just deal with it right now, and I don't want to leave you hanging, and--"
Before he got too breathless, Heero shushed him softly, squeezing his hand again. "It's okay, Duo. You need to get better right now. Don't waste your energy worrying about me, okay?"
"No." He struggled to push himself off the back of the raised bed, ignoring the twinging in his gut. Heero gently, but firmly, pushed him back down. He made an exasperated sound, but allowed it. "It wouldn't be a waste, do you hear me, Heero? It isn't fair!"
With his usual skill, Heero cut across the protests with nothing more than his regular soft-spoken tones. "It can wait. You get better first, and then we can get out of here, we can go home... and then we'll... do what we need to do to work this out. Just one thing at a time... okay?"
"But..." So many things 'but', and all of them ready to get shot down by Heero's infernal implacability. It wasn't right. This whole thing just... wasn't... right. "I mean, I'm not flaming pissed, and I get your decision, but... I really don't know. I know that being upset with you is just going to make getting through this just that much more miserable... but... I want to turn it off, but I can't."
Heero smiled fondly at him. It held a melancholic edge. "You never did favor the easy route."
It hurt to see that expression on his face. "But you know that, just because I'm unhappy with you right now, doesn't mean... I mean... you'll still... right?"
Heero squeezed his hand again. "Someone's got to drive you home, right?" he joked weakly. He said what he really meant when the anxiety didn't fade from Duo's face. "I'm not going anywhere."
He won a lessening of tension from Duo. "That's good... 'cuz I swear, Yuy, if you left me alone in here, I'd... I'd..." He fumbled for something to dispel the sudden ferocity he'd built up without meaning to. "I'd tell Quatre!"
Unprepared for the quip, Heero chuckled in surprise. "That's a serious threat, Maxwell."
"Yeah, well, I mean it, just see if I don't."
"I'd rather not."
The fleeting amusement faded from Duo's face. He sighed. Then coughed. Then curled up as it sent a painful ripple through his body. "Ow. Man, this sucks."
Heero stroked the bangs away from his brow. "It'll pass."
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Series: Moments of Haven
Summary: Nope, nothing resolved here, either.
Untenable
A Moment of Haven
They were both a little surprised by how quickly it set in. One moment he was fine, beating Heero at a game of gin, and the next, his hand was trembling so badly his cards fell to the bed. Their eyes met then, somber acknowledgment passing between them as the cards crept their way towards the floor. They blinked, and then Heero went to gather up the cards as Duo set his arm down on his blankets and glared at it, willing it to stop. It only twitched harder. His other hand was employed to help weigh down its disobedient brother, but that, too, proved insufficient. Duo was contemplating what avenues were left to him when Heero removed the unhelpful appendage and took up the trembling hand with his own. With his one hand curling with a gentle firmness around Duo's, his other hand played warmly and calmly across the length of Duo's uncooperative forearm, gradually stroking the tremors away.
Duo stared most studiously at the line where the wall met the ceiling. Heero concentrated his gaze on the skin beneath his fingers.
Duo shifted uncomfortably on the bed, an itch beginning in his lower back that he just knew was sure to develop into a cramp that spread across his abdomen. Though they had not spoken much conversationally during their card game, now he sought distraction. "Guess I win, then."
"Hm?" Heero looked up from their hands, but found Duo still studying the far wall.
"The game. I was winning when it ended."
Heero opened his mouth to respond automatically, a counter comment on forfeiting prepared to spring forth from his lips, but he withdrew before it emerged as an unfortunate reminder of Duo's situation. Caught without a backup retort, he fell silent for a few long seconds before he was compelled to hold up his end of the uneasy conversation with a tentative offering. "I was catching up."
"Too little, too late."
Well, that hadn't been very bantering. "I'll get you next time."
"We'll see."
Nor had that. Duo was the one that needed the distraction. If he couldn't provide for it himself, then Heero would have to step into the breach. "Were you interested instead in..." He trailed off, having started the question earlier than he really ought to have. He'd just been a little too eager to fill the void.
Duo squeezed his hand reflexively as a muscle spasm caught him unawares, but loosened his grip as soon as he was able.
"You... do want distraction... right?" Heero asked tentatively, no longer certain of what Duo wanted. He may have wanted distraction, but not by Heero. He may have wanted to concentrate on getting through this. He may have been silently begging Heero to break him out of this hospital, and Heero wasn't so sure he'd know it.
The hand in his tightened again, but there was no accompanying spasm. Duo turned towards him, lips parted as if about to say something, but he retreated once more with an unreadable expression.
Heero sighed softly to himself. This was getting near intolerable. He had to say something, and failing any other brilliant ideas, this would have to be it. "Duo... I'm sorry."
"No, you're not." The rebuttal was neither swift nor forceful. It was just quiet resignation. "You think you made the right decision."
He put off responding for a while to wait out another spasm. In the silence, he slid his fingers inconspicuously around Duo's wrist and set them against the vein. He was checking for an irregular pulse, yes, but he was also not coincidentally reassured by the strong sense of life. "I do," he admitted in time. "But I should have considered what choice you would have made. I should have taken that into account..."
"...And then you still would have chose what you did."
Their disagreement hadn't taken away all of their abilities to analyze each other. He exhaled audibly again, not with regret, but with sad recognition of an untenable situation. "Yes, I would. But I would have dealt with it differently."
"Doesn't really matter what sort of spin you put on it. It still is what it is."
"I could have made it your choice. I could have made my choice temporary, just a stand-in until you could make your own. I would have asked you immediately instead of just going with it... That would have been better... wouldn't it?"
Duo held his breath meditatively for a moment, then let it out tiredly. "I don't know, Heero. Maybe?" He clenched his teeth as a cramp lured him into arching his back in a full-body flinch.
Unable to sit back, regardless of the state of their relationship, Heero released Duo's hand in favor of his sides, doing the same he had done to his arm to ease the wrung out muscles. Duo closed his eyes and bore it silently. When the nerves had calmed, Heero was unable to keep his hands from lingering, a wistful gesture he managed to turn into a practical one, running the back of his hand over Duo's forehead and down the side of his face. His temperature was elevated. Heero wouldn't be surprised if chills set in. He glanced around, wondering where he could find extra blankets.
Duo called his attention back by murmuring his name softly. Eyes open and alert, he stared at the ceiling now. A change for the better, perhaps. "I'm tired," he whispered.
Heero nodded in understanding, preparing to withdraw. He fluffed half-heartedly at the pillow. "Is there anything..."
"No, I mean..." He swallowed with a wince. Heero took that as a sign to pour a glass of water. Glad for the opportunity to stall, Duo took up the glass, watching fascinatedly as his hand refused to hold steady under the weight until Heero reached out to support it. He held it still for his partner, but let it neither rise nor fall until he had reached down into his bag of supplies, pulled out a straw, and put it in the cup. Supporting the cup against his chest, Duo was able to drink under his own power. "Gee, think of everything, don't ya?"
Heero took his seat again, his head hanging repentantly as he studied the hands in his lap. "Apparently not."
"Look, Heero..." He chewed nervously on his lower lip, then noticed its condition. "Man, I need some lip balm..."
It was immediately produced, and halfway through the application, Duo stopped what he was doing and gave himself a mental kick in the head, running a hand through his bangs. "Okay, that was so not what I was going to say. Heero..." His partner cast an expectantly patient look at him through downcast lashes. That made it easier and harder to say what he wanted to say. He fiddled with the stick of lip balm before setting it carefully down on the table next to his bed. "...I don't know what's going on in my head right now. I don't foresee knowing... for a while. I don't understand why I feel the way that I do, and it really sucks that I'm mad at you and I don't even know why, and I wanna stop, really, I do, but I can't just let it drop, and I can't just deal with it right now, and I don't want to leave you hanging, and--"
Before he got too breathless, Heero shushed him softly, squeezing his hand again. "It's okay, Duo. You need to get better right now. Don't waste your energy worrying about me, okay?"
"No." He struggled to push himself off the back of the raised bed, ignoring the twinging in his gut. Heero gently, but firmly, pushed him back down. He made an exasperated sound, but allowed it. "It wouldn't be a waste, do you hear me, Heero? It isn't fair!"
With his usual skill, Heero cut across the protests with nothing more than his regular soft-spoken tones. "It can wait. You get better first, and then we can get out of here, we can go home... and then we'll... do what we need to do to work this out. Just one thing at a time... okay?"
"But..." So many things 'but', and all of them ready to get shot down by Heero's infernal implacability. It wasn't right. This whole thing just... wasn't... right. "I mean, I'm not flaming pissed, and I get your decision, but... I really don't know. I know that being upset with you is just going to make getting through this just that much more miserable... but... I want to turn it off, but I can't."
Heero smiled fondly at him. It held a melancholic edge. "You never did favor the easy route."
It hurt to see that expression on his face. "But you know that, just because I'm unhappy with you right now, doesn't mean... I mean... you'll still... right?"
Heero squeezed his hand again. "Someone's got to drive you home, right?" he joked weakly. He said what he really meant when the anxiety didn't fade from Duo's face. "I'm not going anywhere."
He won a lessening of tension from Duo. "That's good... 'cuz I swear, Yuy, if you left me alone in here, I'd... I'd..." He fumbled for something to dispel the sudden ferocity he'd built up without meaning to. "I'd tell Quatre!"
Unprepared for the quip, Heero chuckled in surprise. "That's a serious threat, Maxwell."
"Yeah, well, I mean it, just see if I don't."
"I'd rather not."
The fleeting amusement faded from Duo's face. He sighed. Then coughed. Then curled up as it sent a painful ripple through his body. "Ow. Man, this sucks."
Heero stroked the bangs away from his brow. "It'll pass."
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