(no subject)
I've got all these random thoughts in my head lately but I'm sort of scared almost to really acknowledge them. It's almost like I know it's not important and I should stay away from it. But yet it's one of those things I just want to talk about. I'm starting to feel like I don't know people like I used to. Every now and then it just feels like no one really talks. Everyone has something to say, but no one cares enough to say anything I guess. Maybe that's random. I'm enjoying where I'm at in life. I'm just at the phase now where I'm beginning to wonder where it's going to take me. And if I know how to get myself where I want. Life is so...big, and scary. I'm glad I've found a direction though. Having a day revolve around Wal-Mart was getting depressing. I was tired of asking myself what I really wanted to do. And if I was ever going to do it. I wish fears didn't have the ability to hold you back. There's so many things I want to do. I think it's just easier if you have somoene near by who wants the same things so that you always have someone to back you up when life doesn't go as planned. I feel like I shouldn't be writing this, but it's late and I'm too tired to write in my journal and I'm tired of having the world read what I think so the hell with loveinillusion. It has been a long time since I've updated this journal. I haven't taken good pictures lately, and I've stopped writing in both livejournal, and real journals. I think that could be why I feel a little melancholey/cluttered? I wonder all the time just how different things are in other places. As content as I am here, there are still things that are missing. It makes me feel bad/guilty to say that. I feel like a horrible person when I look to other places for answers. It's not that I don't adore the people around me and I don't have the greatest of things to recall when I look back, it's just kind of hard to explain. Sometimes when I'm in class, I'll observe things around the room...and it really makes me appreciate my life outside of school. If the people in my class were the only people in life I knew, I think I just might kill myself. How impatient, rude, close-minded, ignorant, and selfish people can be is really something that makes me feel confused. It's like, am I crazy for being super-annoyed by these people? I can't tell if when it comes down to it, they're all dumb or if I'm being irrational by being so...bothered by it? Generally I don't mind things. But I guess that has progressed to levels. Starting school has made me realize that being out of school for a year has matured the way I think. In high school we were all just numbers, each with a different level of annoyance. After that, you meet people on different levels, and stick with the people who are on the same level as you; you're friends. Things are still the same, but also very very different. School has made me feel like I've been thrown into a class full of freshmen. The few that I do like talk about their children, and what it's like to be engaged/married at 20. The ones I don't favor, are still in high school and don't do anything but talk about homework they think is stupid, how they can't believe so and so is dating so and so - AGAIN, and who they are going to fight after they get off of their job at McDonalds. This is why it's 12:40 and I'm still awake. With school in 5 hours. I've suddenly lost all excitement. I don't know why but I feel like crying right now. This happens to me every now and then. On the average day, I take life as it comes, and enjoy most of it. On nights like tonight, I think about the petty things and how my list of life demands is so...unreachable? I guess you could call this over thinking, but it still feels good to get it all out of my system. When I hold thoughts back too long, I feel burdensom talking to anyone about anything. I also tell myself over and over not to waste my time with this mindset, because by tomarrow it will be gone, and totally different but I guess it keeps things in check. The other day I was really happy. I usually am when the moment I was in occurs. I was so caught up in _____ that I can actually recall stopping and saying to myself, "Wow, there is a replacement." I don't know if it means anything, but I wish it did. It did once, and then I realized that it was stupid. But the more and more it happens, the more and more I feel like something better has come finally come along. Sometimes...I just won't be specific, but I know what I'm talking about. Since I'm the only one reading, I guess I'm the only one that needs to know, eh? Sweet deal. I think...that best friends is a stupid title. It's like when you like someone, and you finally hookup. Now that they're you're boyfriend and the chase is over - it loses it's...excitement? I feel like as soon as I classify someone as a best friend, things get stupid. I just want to love everyone. I really like good friends. The level of expectation isn't very high, but they're not exatly people you could care less about. Maybe that's a stupid way of viewing it? Not that I wouldn't do anything for my friends, because I would - but, I just hate best friends. Haha. Where in the hell am I going with this? I should go to bed. Now I'm just starting to write everything that passes through my brain. LOL, I'm so glad no one has this on their friends list anymore. Friends lists. Haha. Times have totally changed when your friends are classified by lists. I wonder if anyone else ever wonders just how important they are to some people. I know everyone in my life is important to me, and I try to remind them all the time. I also know that my favorite parts of life are lightning, hugs, relating, music, oceans and pictures. I think that when it all comes down to it, I'm pretty simple.