[Fic] Watching
Title: Watching
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: None, worksafe.
Rating: PG
Summary: Tuti watches Nagayan during Burimyu rehearsals, and hopes that next time he can support him more.
Notes: A response to a challenge from lizstarsky. Tuti POV. Basically just me thinking (again) about Nagayan and Switch (his latest play, in which one of the themes is suicide) and wondering how Tuti felt about watching him in that role, and how it's effected him. (I mention this only because I don't refer to anything very specifically in the fic, and I'm not sure how familiar everyone is with the play, etc. ^^)
Comments would be greatly appreciated. ^_^
x-posted to tenimyu_slash
I watch him sometimes, when he thinks no one is looking.
I watch him every moment I can. Every free second I have, I study him. I watch his eyes, and his smile, his mannerisms and the tone of his voice. Because if anything is wrong, or off, I want to make sure that I can see it. I want to see it first. I want to react. I don’t ever want to feel like I’ve misread him again, or that I’ve missed something that should have been obvious.
I feel like I’ve failed him somehow. I said that I would support him, but I didn’t realize that sometimes I would have to do that even if he didn’t ask. Even if he pushed me away, and shut me out. Even if he said he was fine, and laughed at me for suggesting otherwise.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose him.
I’m sure that he hates that I’m worried. But I am. I’m worried every time he’s not smiling, every time he sighs. I’m worried that he’s tired, that he’s pushing himself too far. I worry that he’s too busy, or that he’s not busy enough.
I want him to be happy. I always thought that he was. But it scares me, realizing what he must have been thinking then. It scares me that I wasn’t there, that I left him alone, that I didn’t stop by, that I called once, but not twice, that I didn’t remind him that I loved him.
I can’t imagine losing him. And I hate that he’s made me imagine it. It was harder than I thought it would be, watching him on stage. Watching his perfect desperation and pain. Watching him die.
I should have talked to him about it. About how I felt. More importantly, I should have asked him how he felt. I wonder if he would have told me, if I had asked him directly. Either way, I should have at least tried. To make it easier for him. I should have been there.
And I feel guilty, because I know he’s forgiven me.
**
Backstage in the rehearsal hall, it’s crowded, not with people, at least not now, but with things. Bags, and props, and chairs, and water bottles, and scripts. It’s such a mess; I’m wondering how we get anything done. I’m already thinking about how many hours there are until the end of this day too. I miss Takashi, somehow, even though we’ve been more or less in the same room since lunchtime.
“Hey,” a voice says quietly, and I can feel his hands touch my waist from behind. Somehow I didn’t hear him coming. Takashi is sneaky like this often though. It’s one of his many talents. Or maybe once again, I’m just not observant enough.
I lay my hands on top of his, smiling. I turn to face him after a second.
He’s staring up at me, his eyes alert and searching. “Eiki sent me to find you. You were supposed to meet them in room B ten minutes ago for vocals?”
“Ah, that’s right!” He’s raising his eyebrows at me, and I find myself feeling a little sheepish.
He laughs when I try to explain that I’m sure I would have remembered sooner or later.
“What were you thinking about?” he asks curiously. “You seemed so serious.”
“What am I always thinking about?”
“Where we’re going for dinner later?” he jokes, smiling.
“Well that, and…”
“And what?”
“You.”
“Me?” He laughs, and pretends to be surprised. “What did I do?”
I smile, and shake my head, and suddenly he’s quiet. I know he knows what I’m thinking, and I wonder how he’s going to change the subject this time. Takashi is extremely skilled in diversion tactics. His skill increases the more embarrassed he is about whatever he doesn’t want you to see.
“You can think about me all you want but…” He lowers his voice and moves a little closer. “People are going to start talking if it takes me much longer to find you.”
He wraps his warm fingers around my wrist and then slides them up my arm, past my elbow, under the edge of my t-shirt. “You know what I mean?” he says quietly, and the look on his face is dark and a little mischievous.
“Hmm, I’m not sure. What do you mean?” I wrap my other arm around his waist and pull him towards me until I can feel his warmth pressing against the side of my body. He must be slouching, I’m thinking, because his shoulder shouldn’t be able to fit under my arm quite this easily. I squeeze his arm gently.
“Maybe I should show you…” He whispers, and shifts a little.
I close my eyes and feel my arousal swell a little as he presses against me.
“You know, they should have known better than to send you to find me back here.”
He chuckles, and takes a step back. His eyes are still dark. “There was a bathroom somewhere around here, right?”
I laugh, probably a little too loudly.
“Come on… They can do without you for a few more minutes,” he whispers, tempting me purposefully, though I’m sure he’s mostly kidding.
I move towards him and wrap my arms around his shoulders, letting my fingers creep along the base of his neck after a moment, under the collar of his shirt until they find the warm skin underneath. “Takashi,” I tell him, and my voice is deliberately rough and deep. “If I go in there with you, there’s no way either of us is making it back to rehearsal tonight, so… As long as you’re ok with being out of a job…”
He laughs and presses his face against my chest for a second. “I know, I know.” He sighs. “Later though?” And he gives me an adorably hopeful pout.
“As if you have to ask.”
“Now I remember why I agreed to take this job again.”
I grin at the satisfied smile on his face, and follow him out of the room.
**
I’m happy, suddenly. I’m happy that we can have fun like this, that we can be together, and work together, and support each other together in the same place, day after day. It doesn’t matter if he won’t admit how much he needs this. Or how important it is for both of us to be able to be together like this right now.
It’s ok, because I know Takashi a lot better now than I did before all of this. I know now that what he needs when he’s stressed isn’t space; it’s time. And I know that I can give him time just by being there. By paying attention. By giving him a moment’s break from the stress of a long day. Not necessarily by forcing him to talk to me, but just by being there for him. If I can make just one moment more enjoyable, if I can offer him a distraction, if I can remind him, just for a second, of his life outside of this experience.
That’s what I should have done then. And that’s what I will do now.
I wish I hadn’t been so selfish.
But when it comes down to it, I know it’s ok. I know he’s ok. I know that if for some reason I can’t be there, or if he doesn’t want me to be there, there are a lot of other people supporting him right now too.
And I know how strong Takashi is. I believe in him. Deep down, I know that he’s ok, with or without me.
But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be next to him more and more. It doesn’t stop me from loving him, and it will never stop me from taking care of him when he’ll let me.
It doesn’t stop me from watching him, always.
***
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: None, worksafe.
Rating: PG
Summary: Tuti watches Nagayan during Burimyu rehearsals, and hopes that next time he can support him more.
Notes: A response to a challenge from lizstarsky. Tuti POV. Basically just me thinking (again) about Nagayan and Switch (his latest play, in which one of the themes is suicide) and wondering how Tuti felt about watching him in that role, and how it's effected him. (I mention this only because I don't refer to anything very specifically in the fic, and I'm not sure how familiar everyone is with the play, etc. ^^)
Comments would be greatly appreciated. ^_^
x-posted to tenimyu_slash
I watch him sometimes, when he thinks no one is looking.
I watch him every moment I can. Every free second I have, I study him. I watch his eyes, and his smile, his mannerisms and the tone of his voice. Because if anything is wrong, or off, I want to make sure that I can see it. I want to see it first. I want to react. I don’t ever want to feel like I’ve misread him again, or that I’ve missed something that should have been obvious.
I feel like I’ve failed him somehow. I said that I would support him, but I didn’t realize that sometimes I would have to do that even if he didn’t ask. Even if he pushed me away, and shut me out. Even if he said he was fine, and laughed at me for suggesting otherwise.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose him.
I’m sure that he hates that I’m worried. But I am. I’m worried every time he’s not smiling, every time he sighs. I’m worried that he’s tired, that he’s pushing himself too far. I worry that he’s too busy, or that he’s not busy enough.
I want him to be happy. I always thought that he was. But it scares me, realizing what he must have been thinking then. It scares me that I wasn’t there, that I left him alone, that I didn’t stop by, that I called once, but not twice, that I didn’t remind him that I loved him.
I can’t imagine losing him. And I hate that he’s made me imagine it. It was harder than I thought it would be, watching him on stage. Watching his perfect desperation and pain. Watching him die.
I should have talked to him about it. About how I felt. More importantly, I should have asked him how he felt. I wonder if he would have told me, if I had asked him directly. Either way, I should have at least tried. To make it easier for him. I should have been there.
And I feel guilty, because I know he’s forgiven me.
**
Backstage in the rehearsal hall, it’s crowded, not with people, at least not now, but with things. Bags, and props, and chairs, and water bottles, and scripts. It’s such a mess; I’m wondering how we get anything done. I’m already thinking about how many hours there are until the end of this day too. I miss Takashi, somehow, even though we’ve been more or less in the same room since lunchtime.
“Hey,” a voice says quietly, and I can feel his hands touch my waist from behind. Somehow I didn’t hear him coming. Takashi is sneaky like this often though. It’s one of his many talents. Or maybe once again, I’m just not observant enough.
I lay my hands on top of his, smiling. I turn to face him after a second.
He’s staring up at me, his eyes alert and searching. “Eiki sent me to find you. You were supposed to meet them in room B ten minutes ago for vocals?”
“Ah, that’s right!” He’s raising his eyebrows at me, and I find myself feeling a little sheepish.
He laughs when I try to explain that I’m sure I would have remembered sooner or later.
“What were you thinking about?” he asks curiously. “You seemed so serious.”
“What am I always thinking about?”
“Where we’re going for dinner later?” he jokes, smiling.
“Well that, and…”
“And what?”
“You.”
“Me?” He laughs, and pretends to be surprised. “What did I do?”
I smile, and shake my head, and suddenly he’s quiet. I know he knows what I’m thinking, and I wonder how he’s going to change the subject this time. Takashi is extremely skilled in diversion tactics. His skill increases the more embarrassed he is about whatever he doesn’t want you to see.
“You can think about me all you want but…” He lowers his voice and moves a little closer. “People are going to start talking if it takes me much longer to find you.”
He wraps his warm fingers around my wrist and then slides them up my arm, past my elbow, under the edge of my t-shirt. “You know what I mean?” he says quietly, and the look on his face is dark and a little mischievous.
“Hmm, I’m not sure. What do you mean?” I wrap my other arm around his waist and pull him towards me until I can feel his warmth pressing against the side of my body. He must be slouching, I’m thinking, because his shoulder shouldn’t be able to fit under my arm quite this easily. I squeeze his arm gently.
“Maybe I should show you…” He whispers, and shifts a little.
I close my eyes and feel my arousal swell a little as he presses against me.
“You know, they should have known better than to send you to find me back here.”
He chuckles, and takes a step back. His eyes are still dark. “There was a bathroom somewhere around here, right?”
I laugh, probably a little too loudly.
“Come on… They can do without you for a few more minutes,” he whispers, tempting me purposefully, though I’m sure he’s mostly kidding.
I move towards him and wrap my arms around his shoulders, letting my fingers creep along the base of his neck after a moment, under the collar of his shirt until they find the warm skin underneath. “Takashi,” I tell him, and my voice is deliberately rough and deep. “If I go in there with you, there’s no way either of us is making it back to rehearsal tonight, so… As long as you’re ok with being out of a job…”
He laughs and presses his face against my chest for a second. “I know, I know.” He sighs. “Later though?” And he gives me an adorably hopeful pout.
“As if you have to ask.”
“Now I remember why I agreed to take this job again.”
I grin at the satisfied smile on his face, and follow him out of the room.
**
I’m happy, suddenly. I’m happy that we can have fun like this, that we can be together, and work together, and support each other together in the same place, day after day. It doesn’t matter if he won’t admit how much he needs this. Or how important it is for both of us to be able to be together like this right now.
It’s ok, because I know Takashi a lot better now than I did before all of this. I know now that what he needs when he’s stressed isn’t space; it’s time. And I know that I can give him time just by being there. By paying attention. By giving him a moment’s break from the stress of a long day. Not necessarily by forcing him to talk to me, but just by being there for him. If I can make just one moment more enjoyable, if I can offer him a distraction, if I can remind him, just for a second, of his life outside of this experience.
That’s what I should have done then. And that’s what I will do now.
I wish I hadn’t been so selfish.
But when it comes down to it, I know it’s ok. I know he’s ok. I know that if for some reason I can’t be there, or if he doesn’t want me to be there, there are a lot of other people supporting him right now too.
And I know how strong Takashi is. I believe in him. Deep down, I know that he’s ok, with or without me.
But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be next to him more and more. It doesn’t stop me from loving him, and it will never stop me from taking care of him when he’ll let me.
It doesn’t stop me from watching him, always.
***