[Fic] First Memories
Title: First Memories
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: None, worksafe.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3,538
Summary: Tuti and Nagayan recall their first impressions and memories of each other.
Notes: So there are two parts to this, the first being Tuti’s POV, and then Nagayan’s, and the flashbacks take place during the second run of the first musical. The rest of the story takes place sometime fairly soon after they’ve gotten together, at some point during Tenimyu. I finished this a while ago actually, for a fanzine project that's in the works, but then kooriyoukai reminded me that I had never posted it here, so... *nods* I hope you enjoy it. ^_^
I.
I wish I could say that it was love at first sight with Takashi. Honestly though, when I search back through my memories I realize that my first impression of him was kind of strange. He laughed and smiled a lot that first day, and this definitely set me at ease. But at the same time, there was something about his mannerisms and about the look in his eyes that seemed guarded to me, and something about that easy laugh that didn’t quite convince me at first.
The moment I saw him in character though, I could tell that our combination had the potential to be perfect. He completely blew me away with so much energy and enthusiasm at that first rehearsal that I couldn’t help but wonder where on earth he’d been when they were casting for Kikumaru the first time around.
I’m critical by nature though, and so despite how well suited I thought he was for the character, it didn’t take me long to attempt to determine my partner’s weak points.
What was interesting about Takashi though, was that every time something would occur to me that he needed to improve, by the next day, or the next week, he’d have suddenly become perfect, or at the very least extremely competent at whatever it was he had been struggling with. He worked hard, and knew how to get results quickly. I was impressed.
I was fully prepared to tell him this too, if he asked.
But even though he kept me in the studio after rehearsal plenty of nights, working through dance moves so that he could catch up with the rest of the cast, never once did Takashi ask me what I thought.
I was completely intrigued by this.
He was stubborn too, during those late rehearsals, and refused to let me leave until he became completely comfortable with whatever we were working on. We would spend hours working through a single sequence sometimes. I started to think he was a little crazy, to strive for this level of perfection, but at the same time, I wanted to be there as much as he did, I think. I knew that it was worth it.
Because when he was comfortable - when he was satisfied, and when he was happy - he glowed. His smile was radiant. He stopped holding back, and it was… amazing. He could do anything with that smile; this was what I thought. And when I look back, I realize that maybe this smile is my first true memory of Takashi.
**
It was late, about an hour after Eiji and the others had left, and my legs were killing me. Usually an hour of extra dancing isn’t a problem for me, even after a full day of rehearsal, but Takashi was especially energetic that night, and I hadn’t quite recovered from the weekend’s pnish rehearsals. It had been a long day too, and I could feel my muscles straining with every repetition.
Suddenly he just stopped though, in the middle of the studio, grinning like a crazy person.
I bent over, my hands on my knees. “Again!?” I asked him, because I was sure he was going to tell me that he wanted to start over again from the top. “You’re killing me, Takashi.”
He laughed, crossing the distance between us, until suddenly he was standing right next to me, so close that I could feel the heat radiating off of him.
“Didn’t you feel that?”
He sounded excited, but honestly, I was so tired I could barely think straight. I had no idea what he was talking about.
I think I must have grunted, or something less committal, because for some reason Takashi felt the need to bend over just then, presumably so that he could look me in the eye and tell me whatever it was he was going to tell me. This was right about the time I decided to stand up.
The impact made me see stars for a second, and after I realized what exactly had happened, I panicked, thinking that I might have really hurt him. I opened my eyes tentatively, and was surprised to find him staring at me, his eyes clearly smiling. He was holding one hand over his mouth though, and I was sure he must be in pain.
“I’m sorry!” I blurted out, looking around helplessly, even though I was well aware that there was no one there but us.
He brought his hand away from his mouth. “I’ve had worse.”
He grinned, and I realized he was bleeding.
“Takashi, you’re-” I sputtered.
“Mmm?”
“You’re bleeding!”
He nodded. “Yeah, I think I bit my tongue. Or maybe my lip.” He laughed, and started to make his way over to his things, touching his face lightly. “I’m fine though.”
I was following him across the room before I realized it. He turned to face me when he arrived at his space in the long line of dressing tables.
“How’s your head?”
He looked genuinely concerned, and I was charmed. I did my best to deny this though. I had decided a while ago that Takashi was too nice for his own good, and I didn’t want him to feel like he had to be that way with me.
I touched the top of my head. “I think I’ll be ok. Maybe we should get some ice for your lip though.”
“The freezer was pretty empty the last time I looked.” He pulled a towel from his bag, and dabbed at his mouth.
“I’ll check,” I told him.
I was happy to be able to send myself on a mission, and came back a few minutes later with the only thing I could find that was cold - a small can of tea from the fridge.
On my way back, I paused, and stood in the doorway to the studio as I studied him for a moment. His head was tilted back, and his eyes were closed. I watched him as he reached forward and pulled his headband back from his forehead, allowing several long strands of hair to fall across his face.
He opened his eyes as I approached, smoothing his hair from his face with both hands.
He raised his eyes at me. “Tea?”
“Ah, yeah, it was all I could find.”
I pulled a chair over and sat down across from him.
“Thanks.”
“Sure, I figured it was better than nothing.”
He nodded, smiling a little before he pressed the can to the side of his mouth.
After a few moments of silence, I started to feel a little uncomfortable. When Takashi was quiet like this, it made me feel strange, like there was something important lingering in the space between us, something that he wanted to say, but didn’t. I had no idea what Takashi could possibly have to say to me that he wouldn’t just come right out with, and just considering the possibilities usually caused me to escape the scene as quickly as I could.
“Well, we should probably go?” I offered.
He nodded and started to get up, looking thoughtful.
“Tuti?” he asked a few minutes later, as we stepped onto the elevator.
I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Takashi?” I grinned, but he only smiled softly back at me.
“I just wanted to thank you,” he told me, and his voice seemed almost shy. “For all of your help. I know I’m not the best at this, and so… I’m really grateful.”
“You’re too hard on yourself,” I told him quickly, noticing a hint of insecurity in his voice that surprised me. “It’s always a challenge to come on to a project late like this. You’re doing really well.”
“I’m just really grateful to everyone. Especially you.” Oddly, he gave me a small bow then, and thanked me again, just before we stepped off the elevator.
He let out a laugh, and winked. “I have to remember not to do that around you.”
I was surprised when he stopped a second later, his eyes drifting to the coffee shop on the corner.
“I’m going to head over here for a bit,” he explained, smiling warmly. “I’ll see you tomorrow though. And thanks again for tonight. I really thought it went well.”
I nodded. “Me too.” He was still smiling, and I found myself smiling back. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
**
We would end up spending plenty of other nights in that coffee shop, getting to know each other, and becoming closer as cast members and later as friends. I would learn quickly that as I had suspected, that guarded look in his eyes usually disappeared once we were alone together. I would learn the difference between his smiles, and how to tell which of his laughs was genuine. I would learn that even though he told me more than once how hard it was for him to trust people, he trusted me completely, and had for as long as I could remember.
But that night he didn’t want me to join him, for whatever reason.
In the days that followed, I thought a lot about what Takashi had wanted to tell me that night. I couldn’t get it out of my mind, but I was afraid to ask, and it wasn’t until a long time later that Takashi admitted what he had been thinking then, and what he had been about to say before we almost knocked each other out.
And it took me a while to admit to myself what was going on between us. To admit how much I cared about him, and how much I looked forward to rehearsals, just knowing we’d be in the same room together. How I knew in my heart that I would do anything to make him happy, and how desperately I wanted to have more time to spend with him.
It’s rare for me to act on my feelings, but with Takashi, I think I always knew that it was all or nothing. All I had to do was imagine the alternative, and the words were out of my mouth before I could even think through a proper confession. I was surprised by how easy it was.
And I think that despite what I may say to the contrary, I’ve always known that the reason it worked so well later on was because he had me charmed from the very beginning. I should probably tell him, and someday I will, but… I’m pretty sure he already knows.
**
II.
When I first met Tuti, more than anything, I was impressed. He didn’t come across as particularly serious at first, but I knew from watching him on stage that when he was in front of an audience, he became a different person. Even at rehearsals everyone said the same thing. He had presence. It was intense, and it impressed me. I wanted to be like that too. I wanted to match that intensity. I really wasn’t sure if this was possible, but I knew that I was definitely going to do everything in my power to make it happen.
It had been Ueshima-sensei’s idea at first, for me to meet with Tuti for extra practice with dancing and tennis. I knew I could learn a lot from him as far as both these things went, and so I definitely didn’t mind. I was a little nervous though.
I know it’s a little silly at this point, given my age and profession, but I really don’t deal with criticism very well. I tend to take things personally, even when I don’t mean to. For some reason, Tuti struck me as a harsh critic, and so the possibility of asking him what he thought of my performance was out of the question. I had a feeling he would tell me the truth, and I knew I had weaknesses, so I was mostly hoping to avoid the topic altogether.
I ended up being surprised though, because while I never heard him say things like this to the other actors, he complimented me pretty consistently in the beginning. On my progress, on how quickly I picked up on things, on my attitude. I remember he told me once that out of the entire cast, I had the best energy. Maybe he knew that I needed to hear those things, or maybe he was perceptive enough to know that if he praised me like this, he would win my favor; I’m really not sure, but he made me feel good, right from the beginning. I looked forward to rehearsals, and even more so to our private Golden Pair practice sessions.
Sometimes I look at how things were then, between us, and I wonder how much the characters really got to our heads, and how much they helped us along. Tuti and I were both pretty focused on playing our characters by the book, and with Oishi and Kikumaru, this meant creating the illusion of complete trust - an unbreakable bond.
That was my goal, anyway, during those first few weeks, and looking back on that time we spent together, it’s clear that playing Oishi and Kikumaru really brought us closer together, much more so than I realized at the time.
**
“You need to watch me more,” I told him one night after rehearsal.
I’m sipping the cool liquid of my drink through a straw, as I flip through the open manga in front of me.
“I do watch you,” Tuti replies, smiling at me when I shake my head.
“Like this,” I tell him, and point to the frame I’m referencing in the manga. “Oishi’s always watching Kikumaru, with this look. It’s intense, right?”
“Well, sure, but…”
“On you, that intense look would be great, you know?”
Tuti laughs. “You think so?”
“Stop making fun of me.”
He laughs louder.
“Oishi is fixated,” I tell him, ignoring his laughter. “It’s obvious. That’s all I’m saying. And vice versa. They’re…”
I’ll never forget the look in his eyes just then. I watched him, and paused, because his look had taken most of my breath away. A second or more passed.
“They’re what, Takashi?”
“Synchronized,” I tell him quietly, as I force myself to take another sip of my drink. “They’re perfectly synchronized.”
“And what about us?”
“Well, we are too. Sometimes.” I avoid his eyes. “Remember that night when I nearly bit off my tongue? We were synchronized then. And since then too, I’ve felt it lots of times. That’s what I was going to tell you that night. Before you decided to attack me.”
I keep rambling for a while because I can’t help it. I tell myself it’s the caffeine, but I’m not so sure anymore.
We’re sitting on a small concrete wall, across from the coffee shop where we’ve gotten our drinks. Rehearsal ended a little early tonight, and it’s nice out, so there are a lot of people around. There were no tables available, so we’ve had to move our Golden Pair research session here. Things really were going great up until now too. We both seemed relaxed, and I was starting to feel my second wind kicking in.
But now all the sudden I feel very, very exposed. The distance between us feels too close, and my cheeks are warm. My stomach is turning over too, and… I know. I’ve known for a long time, but I don’t want to admit it because it’s scary all the sudden, and I’m sure that my reaction is giving everything away. The wall that I’ve crafted so perfectly around my heart is breaking down. And every single thing Tuti does seems to break it down a little more.
He touches his finger to the corner of my mouth and I blink slowly.
“Synchronized,” he repeats. “Even when something like this happens?” His hand lingers there for a moment, and I swear I feel his leg shift closer to mine. I’m not even sure if we’re touching or almost-touching, but the warmth is smooth, steady. I am obviously not either of these things though.
I let out a nervous laugh, and try to keep my voice even. “Well, not exactly then, but before that happened, we were definitely in synch. The perfect Golden Pair.”
He nods, and seems to consider something, but after a second he’s standing.
“I feel like walking. Do you feel like walking?” he asks me abruptly.
I blink. “Sure.” I pause, and stand up. “Where to?”
“I don’t know. But I’m tired of sitting still.”
**
I was disappointed at first, even though I knew that there was no reason to be. Part of me had taken his words as a rejection, but at the time I didn’t even have a clear idea in my head of what I was thinking, or what I thought he had rejected, so it was silly.
My disappointment faded pretty quickly though. I don’t know how many miles we walked before we ended up back where we started, but however far it was, it was the perfect distance. The whole night was perfect. Nothing exciting happened, nothing at all really, just walking, and talking. But it was perfect.
As soon as we took that first step, I felt everything inside of me relax a little. Tuti had some kind of strange power it seemed, to make me forget myself. My confusion and my nervousness faded the longer we walked, and I wondered after a while if he’d somehow sensed my unease, and if this was why he suggested a change of scenery. I don’t even remember where we went, or what we talked about. I just remember his voice and how happy I was. I could feel myself opening up to him and for once it wasn’t scary.
It was much later that night when I finally fell into bed. I was exhausted, and my feet were aching, but for some reason I couldn’t sleep. I was excited, inspired, thrilled, full of life. I was in love. Actively. It was the beginning of something wonderful, and I could sense it.
**
The next day, we both arrived to rehearsal, independently, with exactly two minutes to spare, and matching dark circles under our eyes.
We took one look at each other, our eyes met, and simultaneously we burst into laughter. It was a while before we were able to compose ourselves.
“See, this is what I mean,” I tell him, grinning.
“What?” His eyes glint a little. “Oh. You mean…”
Synchronized.
I nod, because I know what he’s thinking. “Exactly.”
He grins at me. “That’s a little creepy, you know that?”
I smile and shrug. “Come on, it’s-”
“Fun?”
I laugh. “See, you can do it too.”
“Of course I can.”
**
After that day, even though things were good between us, it seemed like a million years before I had confirmation of Tuti’s feelings for me. I felt like he was deliberately making me work hard to get what I wanted, but I wonder now if he just enjoyed being the center of my attention.
Because before that night, I was curious, but after that night, Tuti suddenly became the only thing I thought about. I hung around him constantly. Even though it really wasn’t necessary anymore, I kept coming up with more and more reasons why I needed his help. I timed it so that we ended up walking out of rehearsal together. Then I’d drag him to Starbucks with me and buy him interesting drinks I thought he’d like, though somehow I always guessed wrong about his preferences.
But even as obvious as I was probably being, and as desperate as I know I was starting to feel as the days passed, I think I always knew deep down that there was never really anything to worry about.
Because there really was some sort of unspoken understanding between us. And it wasn’t just limited to our time on stage. Other people noticed it too.
Tuti’s favorite thing to say, if you ask him, is that it wasn’t love at first sight with me, as if that’s something to be proud of. Resisting my charms and all that. But I saw the way he looked at me that first day. Like he couldn’t figure me out, but wanted to, more than anything. I’ve never seen him look at anyone else like that. And I know how I looked at him, from a seat in the audience during the first Tenimyu.
I don’t know how exactly to explain it, but I realized it then, when we were just stage partners, and it makes even more sense to me now.
From the very beginning, our connection was something special. To be honest, it’s the first time in my life that I’ve felt truly connected to another person, and I don’t ever want to let go of this feeling.
I couldn’t tell him this that night after rehearsal, synchronized was as close as I was able to get, but I know that I’ll tell him everything someday.
Because I have a feeling it will make perfect sense to him too.
***
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: None, worksafe.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3,538
Summary: Tuti and Nagayan recall their first impressions and memories of each other.
Notes: So there are two parts to this, the first being Tuti’s POV, and then Nagayan’s, and the flashbacks take place during the second run of the first musical. The rest of the story takes place sometime fairly soon after they’ve gotten together, at some point during Tenimyu. I finished this a while ago actually, for a fanzine project that's in the works, but then kooriyoukai reminded me that I had never posted it here, so... *nods* I hope you enjoy it. ^_^
I.
I wish I could say that it was love at first sight with Takashi. Honestly though, when I search back through my memories I realize that my first impression of him was kind of strange. He laughed and smiled a lot that first day, and this definitely set me at ease. But at the same time, there was something about his mannerisms and about the look in his eyes that seemed guarded to me, and something about that easy laugh that didn’t quite convince me at first.
The moment I saw him in character though, I could tell that our combination had the potential to be perfect. He completely blew me away with so much energy and enthusiasm at that first rehearsal that I couldn’t help but wonder where on earth he’d been when they were casting for Kikumaru the first time around.
I’m critical by nature though, and so despite how well suited I thought he was for the character, it didn’t take me long to attempt to determine my partner’s weak points.
What was interesting about Takashi though, was that every time something would occur to me that he needed to improve, by the next day, or the next week, he’d have suddenly become perfect, or at the very least extremely competent at whatever it was he had been struggling with. He worked hard, and knew how to get results quickly. I was impressed.
I was fully prepared to tell him this too, if he asked.
But even though he kept me in the studio after rehearsal plenty of nights, working through dance moves so that he could catch up with the rest of the cast, never once did Takashi ask me what I thought.
I was completely intrigued by this.
He was stubborn too, during those late rehearsals, and refused to let me leave until he became completely comfortable with whatever we were working on. We would spend hours working through a single sequence sometimes. I started to think he was a little crazy, to strive for this level of perfection, but at the same time, I wanted to be there as much as he did, I think. I knew that it was worth it.
Because when he was comfortable - when he was satisfied, and when he was happy - he glowed. His smile was radiant. He stopped holding back, and it was… amazing. He could do anything with that smile; this was what I thought. And when I look back, I realize that maybe this smile is my first true memory of Takashi.
**
It was late, about an hour after Eiji and the others had left, and my legs were killing me. Usually an hour of extra dancing isn’t a problem for me, even after a full day of rehearsal, but Takashi was especially energetic that night, and I hadn’t quite recovered from the weekend’s pnish rehearsals. It had been a long day too, and I could feel my muscles straining with every repetition.
Suddenly he just stopped though, in the middle of the studio, grinning like a crazy person.
I bent over, my hands on my knees. “Again!?” I asked him, because I was sure he was going to tell me that he wanted to start over again from the top. “You’re killing me, Takashi.”
He laughed, crossing the distance between us, until suddenly he was standing right next to me, so close that I could feel the heat radiating off of him.
“Didn’t you feel that?”
He sounded excited, but honestly, I was so tired I could barely think straight. I had no idea what he was talking about.
I think I must have grunted, or something less committal, because for some reason Takashi felt the need to bend over just then, presumably so that he could look me in the eye and tell me whatever it was he was going to tell me. This was right about the time I decided to stand up.
The impact made me see stars for a second, and after I realized what exactly had happened, I panicked, thinking that I might have really hurt him. I opened my eyes tentatively, and was surprised to find him staring at me, his eyes clearly smiling. He was holding one hand over his mouth though, and I was sure he must be in pain.
“I’m sorry!” I blurted out, looking around helplessly, even though I was well aware that there was no one there but us.
He brought his hand away from his mouth. “I’ve had worse.”
He grinned, and I realized he was bleeding.
“Takashi, you’re-” I sputtered.
“Mmm?”
“You’re bleeding!”
He nodded. “Yeah, I think I bit my tongue. Or maybe my lip.” He laughed, and started to make his way over to his things, touching his face lightly. “I’m fine though.”
I was following him across the room before I realized it. He turned to face me when he arrived at his space in the long line of dressing tables.
“How’s your head?”
He looked genuinely concerned, and I was charmed. I did my best to deny this though. I had decided a while ago that Takashi was too nice for his own good, and I didn’t want him to feel like he had to be that way with me.
I touched the top of my head. “I think I’ll be ok. Maybe we should get some ice for your lip though.”
“The freezer was pretty empty the last time I looked.” He pulled a towel from his bag, and dabbed at his mouth.
“I’ll check,” I told him.
I was happy to be able to send myself on a mission, and came back a few minutes later with the only thing I could find that was cold - a small can of tea from the fridge.
On my way back, I paused, and stood in the doorway to the studio as I studied him for a moment. His head was tilted back, and his eyes were closed. I watched him as he reached forward and pulled his headband back from his forehead, allowing several long strands of hair to fall across his face.
He opened his eyes as I approached, smoothing his hair from his face with both hands.
He raised his eyes at me. “Tea?”
“Ah, yeah, it was all I could find.”
I pulled a chair over and sat down across from him.
“Thanks.”
“Sure, I figured it was better than nothing.”
He nodded, smiling a little before he pressed the can to the side of his mouth.
After a few moments of silence, I started to feel a little uncomfortable. When Takashi was quiet like this, it made me feel strange, like there was something important lingering in the space between us, something that he wanted to say, but didn’t. I had no idea what Takashi could possibly have to say to me that he wouldn’t just come right out with, and just considering the possibilities usually caused me to escape the scene as quickly as I could.
“Well, we should probably go?” I offered.
He nodded and started to get up, looking thoughtful.
“Tuti?” he asked a few minutes later, as we stepped onto the elevator.
I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Takashi?” I grinned, but he only smiled softly back at me.
“I just wanted to thank you,” he told me, and his voice seemed almost shy. “For all of your help. I know I’m not the best at this, and so… I’m really grateful.”
“You’re too hard on yourself,” I told him quickly, noticing a hint of insecurity in his voice that surprised me. “It’s always a challenge to come on to a project late like this. You’re doing really well.”
“I’m just really grateful to everyone. Especially you.” Oddly, he gave me a small bow then, and thanked me again, just before we stepped off the elevator.
He let out a laugh, and winked. “I have to remember not to do that around you.”
I was surprised when he stopped a second later, his eyes drifting to the coffee shop on the corner.
“I’m going to head over here for a bit,” he explained, smiling warmly. “I’ll see you tomorrow though. And thanks again for tonight. I really thought it went well.”
I nodded. “Me too.” He was still smiling, and I found myself smiling back. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
**
We would end up spending plenty of other nights in that coffee shop, getting to know each other, and becoming closer as cast members and later as friends. I would learn quickly that as I had suspected, that guarded look in his eyes usually disappeared once we were alone together. I would learn the difference between his smiles, and how to tell which of his laughs was genuine. I would learn that even though he told me more than once how hard it was for him to trust people, he trusted me completely, and had for as long as I could remember.
But that night he didn’t want me to join him, for whatever reason.
In the days that followed, I thought a lot about what Takashi had wanted to tell me that night. I couldn’t get it out of my mind, but I was afraid to ask, and it wasn’t until a long time later that Takashi admitted what he had been thinking then, and what he had been about to say before we almost knocked each other out.
And it took me a while to admit to myself what was going on between us. To admit how much I cared about him, and how much I looked forward to rehearsals, just knowing we’d be in the same room together. How I knew in my heart that I would do anything to make him happy, and how desperately I wanted to have more time to spend with him.
It’s rare for me to act on my feelings, but with Takashi, I think I always knew that it was all or nothing. All I had to do was imagine the alternative, and the words were out of my mouth before I could even think through a proper confession. I was surprised by how easy it was.
And I think that despite what I may say to the contrary, I’ve always known that the reason it worked so well later on was because he had me charmed from the very beginning. I should probably tell him, and someday I will, but… I’m pretty sure he already knows.
**
II.
When I first met Tuti, more than anything, I was impressed. He didn’t come across as particularly serious at first, but I knew from watching him on stage that when he was in front of an audience, he became a different person. Even at rehearsals everyone said the same thing. He had presence. It was intense, and it impressed me. I wanted to be like that too. I wanted to match that intensity. I really wasn’t sure if this was possible, but I knew that I was definitely going to do everything in my power to make it happen.
It had been Ueshima-sensei’s idea at first, for me to meet with Tuti for extra practice with dancing and tennis. I knew I could learn a lot from him as far as both these things went, and so I definitely didn’t mind. I was a little nervous though.
I know it’s a little silly at this point, given my age and profession, but I really don’t deal with criticism very well. I tend to take things personally, even when I don’t mean to. For some reason, Tuti struck me as a harsh critic, and so the possibility of asking him what he thought of my performance was out of the question. I had a feeling he would tell me the truth, and I knew I had weaknesses, so I was mostly hoping to avoid the topic altogether.
I ended up being surprised though, because while I never heard him say things like this to the other actors, he complimented me pretty consistently in the beginning. On my progress, on how quickly I picked up on things, on my attitude. I remember he told me once that out of the entire cast, I had the best energy. Maybe he knew that I needed to hear those things, or maybe he was perceptive enough to know that if he praised me like this, he would win my favor; I’m really not sure, but he made me feel good, right from the beginning. I looked forward to rehearsals, and even more so to our private Golden Pair practice sessions.
Sometimes I look at how things were then, between us, and I wonder how much the characters really got to our heads, and how much they helped us along. Tuti and I were both pretty focused on playing our characters by the book, and with Oishi and Kikumaru, this meant creating the illusion of complete trust - an unbreakable bond.
That was my goal, anyway, during those first few weeks, and looking back on that time we spent together, it’s clear that playing Oishi and Kikumaru really brought us closer together, much more so than I realized at the time.
**
“You need to watch me more,” I told him one night after rehearsal.
I’m sipping the cool liquid of my drink through a straw, as I flip through the open manga in front of me.
“I do watch you,” Tuti replies, smiling at me when I shake my head.
“Like this,” I tell him, and point to the frame I’m referencing in the manga. “Oishi’s always watching Kikumaru, with this look. It’s intense, right?”
“Well, sure, but…”
“On you, that intense look would be great, you know?”
Tuti laughs. “You think so?”
“Stop making fun of me.”
He laughs louder.
“Oishi is fixated,” I tell him, ignoring his laughter. “It’s obvious. That’s all I’m saying. And vice versa. They’re…”
I’ll never forget the look in his eyes just then. I watched him, and paused, because his look had taken most of my breath away. A second or more passed.
“They’re what, Takashi?”
“Synchronized,” I tell him quietly, as I force myself to take another sip of my drink. “They’re perfectly synchronized.”
“And what about us?”
“Well, we are too. Sometimes.” I avoid his eyes. “Remember that night when I nearly bit off my tongue? We were synchronized then. And since then too, I’ve felt it lots of times. That’s what I was going to tell you that night. Before you decided to attack me.”
I keep rambling for a while because I can’t help it. I tell myself it’s the caffeine, but I’m not so sure anymore.
We’re sitting on a small concrete wall, across from the coffee shop where we’ve gotten our drinks. Rehearsal ended a little early tonight, and it’s nice out, so there are a lot of people around. There were no tables available, so we’ve had to move our Golden Pair research session here. Things really were going great up until now too. We both seemed relaxed, and I was starting to feel my second wind kicking in.
But now all the sudden I feel very, very exposed. The distance between us feels too close, and my cheeks are warm. My stomach is turning over too, and… I know. I’ve known for a long time, but I don’t want to admit it because it’s scary all the sudden, and I’m sure that my reaction is giving everything away. The wall that I’ve crafted so perfectly around my heart is breaking down. And every single thing Tuti does seems to break it down a little more.
He touches his finger to the corner of my mouth and I blink slowly.
“Synchronized,” he repeats. “Even when something like this happens?” His hand lingers there for a moment, and I swear I feel his leg shift closer to mine. I’m not even sure if we’re touching or almost-touching, but the warmth is smooth, steady. I am obviously not either of these things though.
I let out a nervous laugh, and try to keep my voice even. “Well, not exactly then, but before that happened, we were definitely in synch. The perfect Golden Pair.”
He nods, and seems to consider something, but after a second he’s standing.
“I feel like walking. Do you feel like walking?” he asks me abruptly.
I blink. “Sure.” I pause, and stand up. “Where to?”
“I don’t know. But I’m tired of sitting still.”
**
I was disappointed at first, even though I knew that there was no reason to be. Part of me had taken his words as a rejection, but at the time I didn’t even have a clear idea in my head of what I was thinking, or what I thought he had rejected, so it was silly.
My disappointment faded pretty quickly though. I don’t know how many miles we walked before we ended up back where we started, but however far it was, it was the perfect distance. The whole night was perfect. Nothing exciting happened, nothing at all really, just walking, and talking. But it was perfect.
As soon as we took that first step, I felt everything inside of me relax a little. Tuti had some kind of strange power it seemed, to make me forget myself. My confusion and my nervousness faded the longer we walked, and I wondered after a while if he’d somehow sensed my unease, and if this was why he suggested a change of scenery. I don’t even remember where we went, or what we talked about. I just remember his voice and how happy I was. I could feel myself opening up to him and for once it wasn’t scary.
It was much later that night when I finally fell into bed. I was exhausted, and my feet were aching, but for some reason I couldn’t sleep. I was excited, inspired, thrilled, full of life. I was in love. Actively. It was the beginning of something wonderful, and I could sense it.
**
The next day, we both arrived to rehearsal, independently, with exactly two minutes to spare, and matching dark circles under our eyes.
We took one look at each other, our eyes met, and simultaneously we burst into laughter. It was a while before we were able to compose ourselves.
“See, this is what I mean,” I tell him, grinning.
“What?” His eyes glint a little. “Oh. You mean…”
Synchronized.
I nod, because I know what he’s thinking. “Exactly.”
He grins at me. “That’s a little creepy, you know that?”
I smile and shrug. “Come on, it’s-”
“Fun?”
I laugh. “See, you can do it too.”
“Of course I can.”
**
After that day, even though things were good between us, it seemed like a million years before I had confirmation of Tuti’s feelings for me. I felt like he was deliberately making me work hard to get what I wanted, but I wonder now if he just enjoyed being the center of my attention.
Because before that night, I was curious, but after that night, Tuti suddenly became the only thing I thought about. I hung around him constantly. Even though it really wasn’t necessary anymore, I kept coming up with more and more reasons why I needed his help. I timed it so that we ended up walking out of rehearsal together. Then I’d drag him to Starbucks with me and buy him interesting drinks I thought he’d like, though somehow I always guessed wrong about his preferences.
But even as obvious as I was probably being, and as desperate as I know I was starting to feel as the days passed, I think I always knew deep down that there was never really anything to worry about.
Because there really was some sort of unspoken understanding between us. And it wasn’t just limited to our time on stage. Other people noticed it too.
Tuti’s favorite thing to say, if you ask him, is that it wasn’t love at first sight with me, as if that’s something to be proud of. Resisting my charms and all that. But I saw the way he looked at me that first day. Like he couldn’t figure me out, but wanted to, more than anything. I’ve never seen him look at anyone else like that. And I know how I looked at him, from a seat in the audience during the first Tenimyu.
I don’t know how exactly to explain it, but I realized it then, when we were just stage partners, and it makes even more sense to me now.
From the very beginning, our connection was something special. To be honest, it’s the first time in my life that I’ve felt truly connected to another person, and I don’t ever want to let go of this feeling.
I couldn’t tell him this that night after rehearsal, synchronized was as close as I was able to get, but I know that I’ll tell him everything someday.
Because I have a feeling it will make perfect sense to him too.
***