[Fic] The Fiercest Calm
Title: The Fiercest Calm
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: None, worksafe
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2,361
Summary: It's raining, Nagayan's thinking, and then Tuti shows up. ^_~
Notes: I started writing this when Nagayan posted these two entries. But then I got sidetracked, so it took me a little while to finish. >_> The title is stolen from the lyrics to a Tori Amos song (Concertina). ...Believe me, it's better than my "working" title. XD;;; Anyway. I hope you like it. Comments are always very much appreciated. *nod* ^_^
Takashi sits up, fumbling for his phone in the darkness before he realizes exactly what he’s doing.
The action is out of habit, more than anything else. Even though he never oversleeps, and is almost always up before his alarm goes off, there’s still that ever-present fear that crops up at times like this - that feeling that maybe this will be the time that he’ll realize that he’s missed something important by being asleep.
He figures out quickly that this possibility is probably pretty slim though, considering that it’s not even morning yet. Not even close, if the level of darkness outside is any indication.
He glances at the clock next to the computer. 3:16.
He hadn’t been sleeping very deeply, but his brain feels foggy anyway, as he stares down at the light glowing up at him from his phone’s display.
The rain is still pounding steadily outside the window, an incessant drone that he finds himself wishing he could will into silence, because he’s really tired of how heavy everything starts to feel when he sits here listening to all of this water pouring down.
He wonders for a second if he should be expecting this phone call, but then remembers that no, he actually hasn’t spoken to Tuti since around lunchtime. There was a late rehearsal planned for tonight, and Tuti had said he would call in the morning. This doesn’t at all explain why he’s calling now, but that explanation will come soon enough, he figures.
“Are you asleep yet?” the voice asks him, as always, despite the irony of the question.
“Sort of.”
“You sound tired.”
Takashi makes a small noise of affirmation. “So do you.”
Tuti sighs. “Rehearsal nearly killed me, and then everyone dragged me out for drinks, but-”
“They dragged you?”
“Well…”
Takashi feels the corners of his lips pulling upwards into a smile.
“Anyway,” Tuti continues. “I know it’s late, but… Well, I thought maybe you could use some company tonight.”
Takashi’s smile widens a little at Tuti’s choice of words. Coming from anyone else, they would probably constitute the worst pick-up line ever. But because it’s Tuti, he smiles, despite the darkness and the rain, and despite anything and everything that had been on his mind before Tuti had woken him up as if calling his phone at 3AM to discuss the evening’s plan was the most natural thing in the world.
“Well, am I right?” Tuti asks, sounding pleased and entirely too sure of himself.
“Maybe…” Takashi flops back on the bed, and grins at the ceiling. “That depends on how quickly you can get here.”
“Well, I’d get there a lot faster if someone would invite me up out of the rain…”
**
“You’re soaking wet…” Tuti’s arms tighten around his back, and Takashi’s cheek presses flat against a dark, damp, cotton shirt.
“It took me a while to find a taxi…”
“And a while after that to finish your cigarette, right?”
Tuti laughs, and the sound is so close to Takashi’s ear that he can feel it vibrate through his body a little.
“I told you to bring an umbrella. It’s going to be raining all week,” Takashi tells him. He realizes as soon as the words are out of his mouth how silly he sounds, and he’s surprised when the other man only grunts in response. He figures Tuti must be really tired, to miss such a perfect opportunity to tease him.
Takashi runs his hand down Tuti’s back, and feels the other man shiver under his fingers. “Let me get the bath ready, okay?”
He shifts his weight a little, but the other man doesn’t budge. Instead, Tuti tightens his arms around Takashi’s shoulders for a long moment before he loosens his grip just enough to allow Takashi to raise his eyes at him.
A few damp strands of hair cling to the taller man’s forehead.
“Your hair’s wet too,” Takashi observes, smiling a little, partly because Tuti looks almost comically disheveled, and partly because he’s suddenly just really happy to have Tuti here. It feels like someone has turned a light on inside of him - his mood, and everything in the room feels a million times brighter and more colorful now, despite the darkness.
“At least let me get you a towel and some dry clothes, okay?” Takashi asks, and his lips slide into a playful smirk. “Because otherwise, you’re sleeping on the floor.”
**
“I’m sorry I woke you up,” Tuti tells him, pulling a clean t-shirt over his head.
“I wasn’t really asleep.” Takashi smiles at the skeptical look on Tuti’s face. “Not for very long, anyway.”
He watches Tuti run a towel over his head in the semi-darkness.
“This rain is ridiculous.”
Takashi nods, and blinks slowly, listening to the steady pounding of water against the window outside for a moment.
When it started, he’d been alone in this room, with too much time for once, and not enough motivation to do anything with it. His chest had been tight and heavy too, filled with an emotion that he normally refused to put into words, or even coherent thoughts, because he hated feeling this way, and he especially hated feeling this way when all he could hear outside the window was rain, rain and more rain, as the world seemed to fill itself up to the brim - a sea of irritating, noisy darkness.
Being lonely like this for no reason was the most ridiculous thing in the world, he had told himself, and in the morning, he’d vowed, halfheartedly, to have a talk with Tuti - he really had to get him to stop whatever it was that he did to make Takashi miss him so much when he wasn’t around like this.
Thinking about it now though, he realizes something… When he closes his eyes again tonight, Tuti will be next to him. Those feelings from before will have already faded away. ..
It’s strange; sometimes he feels like Tuti has turned something on inside of him and other times he really wonders if it’s not the opposite. Because there’s a part of him that just vanishes when Tuti enters the room, as if there simply isn’t room anymore for his anxiety or his frustration.
He wonders if it’s the same for Tuti. If maybe there’s some place inside of Tuti that only really relaxes when they’re together in this room like this…
**
“I’m glad you came,” Takashi tells him after they’ve carefully taken up their positions next to each other in Takashi’s bed. It’s cramped as always, but neither of them seems to mind.
“I really wanted to come sooner, so that I wouldn’t have to wake you up, but….”
Tuti’s breath is warm against Takashi’s neck, and he can feel his eyes starting to drift shut, as he leans back against the other man’s chest.
“I really missed you tonight,” Tuti says, and Takashi’s stomach does a tiny, unpredictable flip-flop. He smiles a little to himself in the darkness.
“Well, especially tonight,” Tuti continues. “I wanted to come sooner.”
There’s a long pause, and a low rumble of thunder interrupts the static hum of rain outside for a moment, before allowing the steady pulse to return a few seconds later.
“Listening to the rain is definitely a lot nicer when you’re here.”
Tuti’s arm tightens around his chest and he feels a light brush of lips against his neck.
“Thanks,” Tuti whispers with a barely audible laugh that always makes Takashi’s heart skip a beat because he knows that Tuti never laughs like this for anyone else.
“I missed you tonight too,” Takashi says a moment later, with just a hint of hesitation.
“Something wrong with that?”
“No,” he says quickly, shifting his position a little, and moving so that he can see Tuti’s face. “But…”
“What?”
“It puts me in a bad mood that I can’t shake sometimes, that’s all.”
Tuti pauses for a long moment. “You could have called me.”
Takashi shakes his head. “No way.”
“Why not?”
“I didn’t want to. It’s silly.” He sighs. “And you were in rehearsal anyway.”
“It’s not silly,” Tuti says quickly. “If you had called me, I would have told you that of course I missed you too. And that I couldn’t wait to see you.”
Takashi pauses, considering this logic. “Well… You could have called me to tell me that too…”
There’s a moment of silence, and then they both begin to laugh.
“You know that’s not fair at all,” Tuti tells him, smiling broadly.
Takashi closes his eyes, focusing on the warmth of Tuti’s body next to him for a moment. He smiles.
“Fine,” he tells Tuti. “I’ll call next time.”
“So will I.”
“Okay.”
Several long moments pass. “I really wish I could have come sooner.”
Takashi shakes his head, and sits up a little, propping his weight onto one arm. “I didn’t mind. When you called… I was really relieved, I think.”
“Relieved?”
“Don’t you ever feel that way?”
Tuti thinks for a second. “I’m not sure…”
Takashi laughs. “Not exactly relieved, I just mean… I really wanted you to be here. Otherwise I feel like I can’t relax, or something.” Tuti was staring at him seriously, as if he’d just confessed some terrible secret. “Not all the time. But sometimes when I’m really tired, or if it’s been a really long day, you know? Or like tonight, the rain was really getting to me. By the time I got home, it was late, and my clothes were damp, and it was cold, and…” Takashi smiles a little nervously. “You have no idea what I mean, do you?”
Tuti gives him a strange look. “Of course I know what you mean. Why else would I be calling you at three-o-clock in the morning?” He hesitates. “I mean… This is really nothing new, right? Being together like this… It’s something we’re all supposed to have felt before, but with you, I…” Tuti pauses. “It’s just really different. I find myself thinking weird things. Things that I feel crazy admitting.”
Takashi blinks. “Like what?”
“Well, it’s just like what you said. The end of the day comes, and if you’re not there, sometimes it just feels strange. When you’re not around, when I know you’re in rehearsal, and it doesn’t make sense for me to come over here, I just… I don’t know… It’s really silly. Because of course I can see you the next day, or in two days, or whenever, but…” He sighs. “Sometimes I feel like I miss you too much.”
And Takashi can’t help but laugh. Not because it’s funny, but because he had been thinking close to the exact same thing earlier. This wasn’t the first time he’d wondered if Tuti could read his mind, but….
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing, I just think I know what you mean. I’ve been thinking the same thing all night.” He smiles. “I thought it was just me.”
Tuti laughs now. “Well, of course you probably miss me more, that I can understand…”
Takashi swats half-heartedly at him with his free hand, which prompts Tuti to wrap his arm around him again, pulling Takashi’s back close against his chest.
“You really should have called me…” Tuti whispers against Takashi’s neck. “I probably would have done something stupid. Convinced Daiki to let us out early or something.”
“Hai, hai… Understood.” Takashi pauses. “And you know, sometime… You should tell me about these other people, okay?” He turns in Tuti’s arms a little and winks playfully up at him. “I’m curious.”
“What other people?”
“Well you said it’s different, how you feel now, so there must-”
And suddenly the words die in his throat, as Tuti leans in close to him. He can smell the light scent of cigarettes and alcohol on Tuti’s lips as the other man presses their foreheads together gently. Takashi smiles, and while one part of him wonders if this is Tuti’s way of avoiding the question, another more persuasive part of him has already forgotten what it was that he was curious about in the first place.
And then he closes his eyes and lets Tuti kiss him, slowly at first, and a familiar warmth spreads through his body as Tuti’s tongue slides against his own. Then the kiss deepens and Takashi finds himself fighting for control for a moment, before all of his thoughts vanish from his mind, as he feels the other man’s low moan deep in the back of his throat and everything just melts into Tuti.
This taste, and this warmth, everything about this moment is so familiar - it shouldn’t be exciting at all, but… There’s something surprisingly compelling about being able to focus so completely on someone else like this.
After what feels like endless hours spent feeling rushed and scattered and being pulled in a million directions at once, even if it’s the middle of the night, and even if he knows that he’ll be exhausted tomorrow, Takashi knows that part of him really needs this. Sometimes he feels like it’s this, right here, that holds everything together inside of him.
Other times he’s sure that this is a ridiculous thing to think, and that he would be perfectly fine on his own, going about his life like he did before he ever met Tuti, but… When he’s honest with himself, he knows that the truth is probably somewhere in between. And he’s fine with that.
“I missed you…” Tuti whispers against his neck again, and this time Takashi smiles without hesitation.
“I missed you too.”
And the rain is static white noise that seems endless, but the sound is natural now, as if it’s always been there, and the heaviness from before has disappeared. It blends into the background, and into the walls of the room. Along with Tuti’s steady breathing against his neck, and the ticking of the clock on the table opposite the bed, the rain forms a blanket of sound around Takashi’s ears.
And then suddenly everything is calm, and he’s asleep, and Tuti’s asleep, and the downpour outside continues, oblivious.
***
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: None, worksafe
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2,361
Summary: It's raining, Nagayan's thinking, and then Tuti shows up. ^_~
Notes: I started writing this when Nagayan posted these two entries. But then I got sidetracked, so it took me a little while to finish. >_> The title is stolen from the lyrics to a Tori Amos song (Concertina). ...Believe me, it's better than my "working" title. XD;;; Anyway. I hope you like it. Comments are always very much appreciated. *nod* ^_^
Takashi sits up, fumbling for his phone in the darkness before he realizes exactly what he’s doing.
The action is out of habit, more than anything else. Even though he never oversleeps, and is almost always up before his alarm goes off, there’s still that ever-present fear that crops up at times like this - that feeling that maybe this will be the time that he’ll realize that he’s missed something important by being asleep.
He figures out quickly that this possibility is probably pretty slim though, considering that it’s not even morning yet. Not even close, if the level of darkness outside is any indication.
He glances at the clock next to the computer. 3:16.
He hadn’t been sleeping very deeply, but his brain feels foggy anyway, as he stares down at the light glowing up at him from his phone’s display.
The rain is still pounding steadily outside the window, an incessant drone that he finds himself wishing he could will into silence, because he’s really tired of how heavy everything starts to feel when he sits here listening to all of this water pouring down.
He wonders for a second if he should be expecting this phone call, but then remembers that no, he actually hasn’t spoken to Tuti since around lunchtime. There was a late rehearsal planned for tonight, and Tuti had said he would call in the morning. This doesn’t at all explain why he’s calling now, but that explanation will come soon enough, he figures.
“Are you asleep yet?” the voice asks him, as always, despite the irony of the question.
“Sort of.”
“You sound tired.”
Takashi makes a small noise of affirmation. “So do you.”
Tuti sighs. “Rehearsal nearly killed me, and then everyone dragged me out for drinks, but-”
“They dragged you?”
“Well…”
Takashi feels the corners of his lips pulling upwards into a smile.
“Anyway,” Tuti continues. “I know it’s late, but… Well, I thought maybe you could use some company tonight.”
Takashi’s smile widens a little at Tuti’s choice of words. Coming from anyone else, they would probably constitute the worst pick-up line ever. But because it’s Tuti, he smiles, despite the darkness and the rain, and despite anything and everything that had been on his mind before Tuti had woken him up as if calling his phone at 3AM to discuss the evening’s plan was the most natural thing in the world.
“Well, am I right?” Tuti asks, sounding pleased and entirely too sure of himself.
“Maybe…” Takashi flops back on the bed, and grins at the ceiling. “That depends on how quickly you can get here.”
“Well, I’d get there a lot faster if someone would invite me up out of the rain…”
**
“You’re soaking wet…” Tuti’s arms tighten around his back, and Takashi’s cheek presses flat against a dark, damp, cotton shirt.
“It took me a while to find a taxi…”
“And a while after that to finish your cigarette, right?”
Tuti laughs, and the sound is so close to Takashi’s ear that he can feel it vibrate through his body a little.
“I told you to bring an umbrella. It’s going to be raining all week,” Takashi tells him. He realizes as soon as the words are out of his mouth how silly he sounds, and he’s surprised when the other man only grunts in response. He figures Tuti must be really tired, to miss such a perfect opportunity to tease him.
Takashi runs his hand down Tuti’s back, and feels the other man shiver under his fingers. “Let me get the bath ready, okay?”
He shifts his weight a little, but the other man doesn’t budge. Instead, Tuti tightens his arms around Takashi’s shoulders for a long moment before he loosens his grip just enough to allow Takashi to raise his eyes at him.
A few damp strands of hair cling to the taller man’s forehead.
“Your hair’s wet too,” Takashi observes, smiling a little, partly because Tuti looks almost comically disheveled, and partly because he’s suddenly just really happy to have Tuti here. It feels like someone has turned a light on inside of him - his mood, and everything in the room feels a million times brighter and more colorful now, despite the darkness.
“At least let me get you a towel and some dry clothes, okay?” Takashi asks, and his lips slide into a playful smirk. “Because otherwise, you’re sleeping on the floor.”
**
“I’m sorry I woke you up,” Tuti tells him, pulling a clean t-shirt over his head.
“I wasn’t really asleep.” Takashi smiles at the skeptical look on Tuti’s face. “Not for very long, anyway.”
He watches Tuti run a towel over his head in the semi-darkness.
“This rain is ridiculous.”
Takashi nods, and blinks slowly, listening to the steady pounding of water against the window outside for a moment.
When it started, he’d been alone in this room, with too much time for once, and not enough motivation to do anything with it. His chest had been tight and heavy too, filled with an emotion that he normally refused to put into words, or even coherent thoughts, because he hated feeling this way, and he especially hated feeling this way when all he could hear outside the window was rain, rain and more rain, as the world seemed to fill itself up to the brim - a sea of irritating, noisy darkness.
Being lonely like this for no reason was the most ridiculous thing in the world, he had told himself, and in the morning, he’d vowed, halfheartedly, to have a talk with Tuti - he really had to get him to stop whatever it was that he did to make Takashi miss him so much when he wasn’t around like this.
Thinking about it now though, he realizes something… When he closes his eyes again tonight, Tuti will be next to him. Those feelings from before will have already faded away. ..
It’s strange; sometimes he feels like Tuti has turned something on inside of him and other times he really wonders if it’s not the opposite. Because there’s a part of him that just vanishes when Tuti enters the room, as if there simply isn’t room anymore for his anxiety or his frustration.
He wonders if it’s the same for Tuti. If maybe there’s some place inside of Tuti that only really relaxes when they’re together in this room like this…
**
“I’m glad you came,” Takashi tells him after they’ve carefully taken up their positions next to each other in Takashi’s bed. It’s cramped as always, but neither of them seems to mind.
“I really wanted to come sooner, so that I wouldn’t have to wake you up, but….”
Tuti’s breath is warm against Takashi’s neck, and he can feel his eyes starting to drift shut, as he leans back against the other man’s chest.
“I really missed you tonight,” Tuti says, and Takashi’s stomach does a tiny, unpredictable flip-flop. He smiles a little to himself in the darkness.
“Well, especially tonight,” Tuti continues. “I wanted to come sooner.”
There’s a long pause, and a low rumble of thunder interrupts the static hum of rain outside for a moment, before allowing the steady pulse to return a few seconds later.
“Listening to the rain is definitely a lot nicer when you’re here.”
Tuti’s arm tightens around his chest and he feels a light brush of lips against his neck.
“Thanks,” Tuti whispers with a barely audible laugh that always makes Takashi’s heart skip a beat because he knows that Tuti never laughs like this for anyone else.
“I missed you tonight too,” Takashi says a moment later, with just a hint of hesitation.
“Something wrong with that?”
“No,” he says quickly, shifting his position a little, and moving so that he can see Tuti’s face. “But…”
“What?”
“It puts me in a bad mood that I can’t shake sometimes, that’s all.”
Tuti pauses for a long moment. “You could have called me.”
Takashi shakes his head. “No way.”
“Why not?”
“I didn’t want to. It’s silly.” He sighs. “And you were in rehearsal anyway.”
“It’s not silly,” Tuti says quickly. “If you had called me, I would have told you that of course I missed you too. And that I couldn’t wait to see you.”
Takashi pauses, considering this logic. “Well… You could have called me to tell me that too…”
There’s a moment of silence, and then they both begin to laugh.
“You know that’s not fair at all,” Tuti tells him, smiling broadly.
Takashi closes his eyes, focusing on the warmth of Tuti’s body next to him for a moment. He smiles.
“Fine,” he tells Tuti. “I’ll call next time.”
“So will I.”
“Okay.”
Several long moments pass. “I really wish I could have come sooner.”
Takashi shakes his head, and sits up a little, propping his weight onto one arm. “I didn’t mind. When you called… I was really relieved, I think.”
“Relieved?”
“Don’t you ever feel that way?”
Tuti thinks for a second. “I’m not sure…”
Takashi laughs. “Not exactly relieved, I just mean… I really wanted you to be here. Otherwise I feel like I can’t relax, or something.” Tuti was staring at him seriously, as if he’d just confessed some terrible secret. “Not all the time. But sometimes when I’m really tired, or if it’s been a really long day, you know? Or like tonight, the rain was really getting to me. By the time I got home, it was late, and my clothes were damp, and it was cold, and…” Takashi smiles a little nervously. “You have no idea what I mean, do you?”
Tuti gives him a strange look. “Of course I know what you mean. Why else would I be calling you at three-o-clock in the morning?” He hesitates. “I mean… This is really nothing new, right? Being together like this… It’s something we’re all supposed to have felt before, but with you, I…” Tuti pauses. “It’s just really different. I find myself thinking weird things. Things that I feel crazy admitting.”
Takashi blinks. “Like what?”
“Well, it’s just like what you said. The end of the day comes, and if you’re not there, sometimes it just feels strange. When you’re not around, when I know you’re in rehearsal, and it doesn’t make sense for me to come over here, I just… I don’t know… It’s really silly. Because of course I can see you the next day, or in two days, or whenever, but…” He sighs. “Sometimes I feel like I miss you too much.”
And Takashi can’t help but laugh. Not because it’s funny, but because he had been thinking close to the exact same thing earlier. This wasn’t the first time he’d wondered if Tuti could read his mind, but….
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing, I just think I know what you mean. I’ve been thinking the same thing all night.” He smiles. “I thought it was just me.”
Tuti laughs now. “Well, of course you probably miss me more, that I can understand…”
Takashi swats half-heartedly at him with his free hand, which prompts Tuti to wrap his arm around him again, pulling Takashi’s back close against his chest.
“You really should have called me…” Tuti whispers against Takashi’s neck. “I probably would have done something stupid. Convinced Daiki to let us out early or something.”
“Hai, hai… Understood.” Takashi pauses. “And you know, sometime… You should tell me about these other people, okay?” He turns in Tuti’s arms a little and winks playfully up at him. “I’m curious.”
“What other people?”
“Well you said it’s different, how you feel now, so there must-”
And suddenly the words die in his throat, as Tuti leans in close to him. He can smell the light scent of cigarettes and alcohol on Tuti’s lips as the other man presses their foreheads together gently. Takashi smiles, and while one part of him wonders if this is Tuti’s way of avoiding the question, another more persuasive part of him has already forgotten what it was that he was curious about in the first place.
And then he closes his eyes and lets Tuti kiss him, slowly at first, and a familiar warmth spreads through his body as Tuti’s tongue slides against his own. Then the kiss deepens and Takashi finds himself fighting for control for a moment, before all of his thoughts vanish from his mind, as he feels the other man’s low moan deep in the back of his throat and everything just melts into Tuti.
This taste, and this warmth, everything about this moment is so familiar - it shouldn’t be exciting at all, but… There’s something surprisingly compelling about being able to focus so completely on someone else like this.
After what feels like endless hours spent feeling rushed and scattered and being pulled in a million directions at once, even if it’s the middle of the night, and even if he knows that he’ll be exhausted tomorrow, Takashi knows that part of him really needs this. Sometimes he feels like it’s this, right here, that holds everything together inside of him.
Other times he’s sure that this is a ridiculous thing to think, and that he would be perfectly fine on his own, going about his life like he did before he ever met Tuti, but… When he’s honest with himself, he knows that the truth is probably somewhere in between. And he’s fine with that.
“I missed you…” Tuti whispers against his neck again, and this time Takashi smiles without hesitation.
“I missed you too.”
And the rain is static white noise that seems endless, but the sound is natural now, as if it’s always been there, and the heaviness from before has disappeared. It blends into the background, and into the walls of the room. Along with Tuti’s steady breathing against his neck, and the ticking of the clock on the table opposite the bed, the rain forms a blanket of sound around Takashi’s ears.
And then suddenly everything is calm, and he’s asleep, and Tuti’s asleep, and the downpour outside continues, oblivious.
***