[Fic] Without You - Part Two
Title: Without You
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Chapter: Part 2/2 (COMPLETE)
Warnings: angst, fluff, worksafe
Rating: PG-13
Notes/Summary: This takes place a few months ago, at the beginning of the summer, while Nagayan is in the recording studio. (This second part is the resolution. Hence, the fluff. ^_~) I hope you enjoy it... Comments are much appreciated. ^_^
(I dedicate this to kooriyoukai and fencer_x because they totally surprised me today with a wonderful, sparkly new Nagayan layout XD!! *hugs*)
( Part One )
“Takashi, do you trust me?”
They’d been walking for a while when Tuti’s question broke the silence between them, startling Takashi a little.
It was almost funny too. Takashi had spent the whole afternoon trying to take his mind off of Tuti, without any success at all, and now Tuti was right here, and Takashi knew he should say something, anything, but he couldn’t come up with a single word. He knew that this was weird, this silence, and the fact that they were just walking together aimlessly, amidst this swirl of people, but… He found that he really had nothing to say anymore.
It was strange, everything had been there one moment - complex explanations for his actions, and his feelings, endless questions that he needed answers to, but… Everything had dried up and vanished in an instant, seeing Tuti waiting outside of the studio. Maybe Takashi was just tired, or maybe he just didn’t want to think about what had happened earlier, but either way, it wasn’t just him - they had both found it surprisingly easy to fall into step together, and neither of them had said a word until now.
He wasn’t sure how long this would last though, and even now, Takashi knew that he had to respond, but… Part of him wished they could just continue this silence. Because there was something comforting, and even relaxing about just being next to Tuti right now. Takashi really had no idea how he could possibly even begin to verbalize everything he had been thinking and feeling today anyway. And maybe he didn’t want to. Maybe he just wanted to keep it like this, each of them pretending that everything was fine…
Because Takashi had been relieved, after hours of using all of his energy just to put the minimal effort forth to satisfy the obligations of this recording session, to see Tuti waiting there for him when he’d finished. He was relieved to be here next to him now too. At least if he passed out on the way to the train from exhaustion, someone would be there to carry him home, he told himself, though he knew it was more than that. He was sure he should be wondering why Tuti was here, that he should be questioning all of this right now, but… he found that he really didn’t mind taking things at surface value for the time being.
Maybe he had just lost his nerve. Either that, or he had worn himself out by worrying, but now… Now he just wanted Tuti to stay here. He didn’t care what they were doing, or if it made sense, or if he knew deep down that they couldn’t continue like this. Because in the end, like always, there was nothing really that remained except for wanting Tuti to be here like this. This thought floated in his mind for a moment, until he realized that Tuti was staring at him, probably waiting for an answer to his question.
Trust, Takashi remembered, as he turned his head and stared at Tuti for a long moment. Then he blinked, shaking his head, because he was honestly still confused. “What are you talking about, Tuti? Why did you ask me that?”
“I’ve been thinking about this all day,” Tuti said, staring at the man next to him before he turned his attention to the ground again.
Tuti seemed tired too, Takashi was thinking, having caught a glimpse of the shadows under the other man’s eyes. He could hear the strain in Tuti’s voice too, and something inside of him wanted to reach out to him, but… It still ached somewhere inside of him when he remembered this morning, and he figured that Tuti was probably still mad too. Tuti was looking at him seriously now though, as they walked, seeming more concerned than angry. Either way, Takashi found his remaining thoughts fading as his body sagged a little under the weight of the other man’s gaze.
“I really need you to tell me.” Tuti’s voice had darkened, and this abrupt change in tone actually caused Takashi to stop walking for a second.
“Do you trust me?” Tuti asked again.
Takashi repositioned the bag on his shoulder, staring at the ground in front of him. Tuti had stopped too, in front of him, and was holding Takashi’s arm now, gripping him tightly, which was sending off a small warning in Takashi’s mind, that this was one of those things not to do in public, in the middle of a crowded Tokyo street, but…
“Takashi, look at me.”
Takashi felt his heart tense up a little, at the urgency in Tuti’s voice. The air had somehow seemed to thin around his head too. He had felt calm a few minutes ago, but any trace of this was fading quickly. Takashi hated this - this helpless feeling that nothing he said mattered. Because he just couldn’t make Tuti understand how he felt. He knew that he couldn’t. And he was sure that Tuti felt exactly the same way about him.
Takashi knew that he had to at least try, that Tuti wanted him to say something, but… He just wasn’t good at being honest like this. Tuti was a hundred times better when it came to that, and…
“You’re not making this very easy, you know?” Tuti said with a slight smile.
Even though the smile never quite made it to Tuti’s eyes, Takashi felt something instinctively warming inside of him for a second, deep in the pit of his stomach. All it took was another instant though, several seconds of warmth and pressure from Tuti’s fingers around his skin and Takashi realized that he was angry, that Tuti was making him more angry by the second, because Tuti had no right to be asking him anything right now, and he had no right to think that this should be easy.
“Why should I?” He found himself saying, ignoring the hurt expression on Tuti’s face. “What about you? You’re the one who-”
The words caught in his throat though, half because he really didn’t want to think about this morning anymore, but also because he had just been reminded, by a harsh jostle from a dark-suited businessman that almost knocked him off balance, where they were. A certain hushed conversation with Kimeru about the importance of his image had been called to the front of his mind suddenly too, and he felt his skin begin to prickle uncomfortably under the collar of his shirt.
“Never mind,” he said quietly, trying to jerk his arm back. “Let me go.”
He panicked for a second when he realized how tight Tuti’s grip still was though. “Tuti, let me go.” He could hear the desperation in his voice and he was embarrassed for a second, until he realized how silly and useless that was, since he was sure that this transparency was hardly surprising to Tuti at this point. Tuti had broken down all of his defenses a long time ago, after all.
“Answer me then.” Tuti said quietly, releasing his grip after a second.
Takashi could hear the desperation in Tuti’s voice too, but for some reason, he was still embarrassed. For both of them. Or maybe just for himself, he really wasn’t sure.
“Please,” Tuti said, before asking again, “Do you trust me?” And Takashi could feel his insides twisting and turning cold at the look on Tuti’s face. “Because it doesn’t matter how many times I apologize, if you don’t trust me, I… I don’t know if I-”
“Can do this anymore?” Takashi supplied, surprised that he was able to get the words out. He wasn’t even sure why he said it, it was just that Tuti’s voice had been cracking, and Takashi had felt the thinness in the air growing around him, because he knew what Tuti had been about to say, and he just didn’t want to hear it. The thought of those words coming out of Tuti’s mouth just felt so wrong, he couldn’t stand it. It was easier, this way, he figured.
“Well, I don’t know if I can do this anymore either,” Takashi said truthfully, but as soon as the words had left his mouth, a wave of panic washed over him, and he wondered if he had said something he couldn’t take back.
Takashi stared down in front of him at a fixed point on the ground, just past the toes of his shoes. He refused to look at Tuti, and refused also to acknowledge that he could see the color draining from the other man’s cheeks out of the corner of his eye.
“No.” Tuti said quietly, after a second.
“No?” Takashi’s voice was shaking, and he was almost relieved by the confusion that was overriding his other emotions right now.
Tuti was shaking his head. “No. That’s not what I was going to say. That’s not what I meant.” He met Takashi’s eyes for a second before looking away again. “I don’t want to lose you,” he finished, and his voice was quiet, but resolute.
And then Takashi could feel the warm air become a little warmer around him for a second. He didn’t resist as Tuti grabbed his arm again, this time pulling him close, a little awkwardly, causing Takashi to almost stumble for a moment before he felt the warm press of Tuti’s chest against his cheek. Everything around him seemed to fade into the warm fabric and the soft skin that Takashi could feel trembling a little underneath it. Takashi let his bag drop to the ground after a second too, because he needed to wrap his arms around Tuti’s back, and to press their bodies closer together. It felt like it had been forever since he had felt the strength of those arms around him. Takashi had no idea why he was allowing this either, when they should be talking, and when he should be asking Tuti what the hell he was talking about and what he meant, but... He must have wanted this though, he realized, or it wouldn’t be happening this way.
“I’m sorry,” Tuti said softly, his breath ticking against Takashi’s neck as he spoke, the intense shiver that this caused to run through Takashi’s body confirming the fact that Takashi did, in fact, want this, maybe a lot more than he wanted to admit he did.
Takashi tried to shake his head, but realized it wasn’t working very well when Tuti was holding him so close.
“It’s ok.” Takashi forced the words out, his voice barely above a whisper. “You were angry.”
Tuti’s only response was to hold him a little tighter and Takashi realized he could barely breathe, but it didn’t matter. Because it felt like for the first time in a long time he was allowing Tuti to really touch him, to really be close to him. He was allowing himself to experience this now too - the contour of Tuti’s back under his fingers, and the shiver that ran down his spine when Tuti’s fingers touched the bare skin of his neck.
His mind was clear too, and he could feel his chest expanding with each breath and the air in his lungs was heavy and warm and wonderful. The colors became sharper around them, and he pressed his face close against Tuti’s chest, hearing the familiar thumping there, and knowing suddenly that this was probably what he had wanted all along. He wanted to laugh, because as ridiculous as it sounded, he was sure that it was true. He knew that everything wasn’t so simple, but he knew too that sometimes he just needed this. He needed to feel Tuti close to him like this.
Tuti broke away first, placing his hands over Takashi’s where they had wrapped around his back, and squeezing them for a moment before he took a small step backwards. They stood there for a few seconds, facing each other, and then Takashi reminded himself to breathe as he picked up his bag from where he had dropped it, wondering why it suddenly felt so much lighter than it had before. Maybe it was his entire body that was lighter though, Takashi realized after a moment, as he took a step forward.
They were silent again, as they started walking, but Tuti stayed close to him, allowing their shoulders to brush together off and on as they moved along the crowded street, holding Takashi’s arm sometimes too, as he navigated them towards the train. Takashi wasn’t thinking much except that this was nice - Tuti’s constant warmth next to him in the middle of this place that just a few minutes ago had seemed disgusting and crowded and annoying. Somehow he didn’t notice any of this anymore.
As they stepped onto the train, Takashi realized that he had no idea if they were going to his place, or Tuti’s, but he knew that it didn’t really matter. Tuti’s place was farther away though, and he realized after more than five minutes on the train that this must be where they were headed. The crinkled cotton of Tuti’s shirt against his bare shoulder felt good too, as he slouched forward a little to block the light from his eyes. Takashi closed his eyes, concentrating on the warmth he could feel creeping through the fibers against his arm, and wondered how long this would last, this dim haze of contentment that seemed to have settled into his mind.
It wasn’t until his shoes were off, and he was left standing alone in the living room of Tuti’s apartment, that a bit of his prior mood began to creep back into his mind. The haze had faded too, somewhere along the way to Tuti’s apartment, and Takashi found himself thinking a little more realistically now, and definitely much more rationally than he remembered being able to think in a while.
He knew that he needed to talk to Tuti. That they needed to talk. He really wasn’t sure if he was up to a serious discussion right now, but he knew that it needed to be done. They’d both been thinking a lot of things, Takashi figured, and there was a lot that needed to be said.
Tuti returned from the kitchen, and settled down next to Takashi on the couch, pulling one leg up under him, and turning sideways so that they were facing each other.
Tuti had brought out tea, which made Takashi wonder if he wasn’t the only one thinking of having a serious talk, as he watched the man next to him draw a mug up to his lips with a slightly shaking hand. Tuti usually only drank tea when he was nervous and for whatever reason was unable to or unwilling to light up a cigarette. Takashi knew this, and had decided a long time ago that he wouldn’t let on that he knew, because he figured this was a good way to encourage Tuti to stop smoking, but… He felt a little guilty right now, seeing the tension in the other man’s movements.
“I told you I don’t mind if you smoke.” Takashi tried not to smile at the look of surprise on Tuti’s face.
Tuti looked a little embarrassed for a second too as he shook his head. “It’s ok.”
Takashi shrugged, raising his eyebrows a little. “I’m just saying…”
“I know,” the other man said quickly. “And thanks, but I’m fine.” Tuti nodded, but didn’t say anything else, and Takashi found himself shifting uncomfortably for a moment.
Takashi couldn’t relax, and Tuti’s nervousness was only making him feel worse. He was anxious to get this out of the way, but… He was afraid of the outcome of this conversation too, he realized. He knew he had to tell Tuti what he had been thinking, but he just wasn’t sure how Tuti would react. Takashi had so many doubts, about everything, and he had no idea how to tell Tuti this. Then again, maybe Tuti already knew. Takashi had no idea.
“How long were you waiting out there anyway?” Takashi asked quietly after a second.
Tuti glanced at the man next to him, his eyes shifting down to his hands, and then up at Takashi’s face again. “At the studio?”
Takashi nodded.
“Since lunch,” Tuti told him with just a slight hint of hesitation. “Why?”
“Since lunch? Really?”
Takashi blinked, trying to imagine Tuti waiting out there for such a long time. Tuti couldn’t sit still for ten minutes, usually, and Takashi shook his head, honestly unable to picture this, though he was sure that Tuti wasn’t lying.
“I didn’t know what time you were finishing and I didn’t want to miss you,” Tuti explained.
“But I was in there for hours,” Takashi was still a little amazed. “And I thought you were mad at me.”
“I was mad. But…” Tuti fidgeted a little.
“What?” Takashi asked, wondering what Tuti was getting at.
“It’s just… What I said before.” He looked at Takashi, ignoring the puzzled expression on his face, and took a deep breath. “I was serious. I can’t lose you.”
Takashi opened his mouth, but his throat was suddenly so dry, he had to swallow hard before he could get anything out. He wasn’t sure what it was. The tone of Tuti’s voice. The stillness of his body. The absolute heavy seriousness of his words. Or maybe a combination of all of this.
“What do you mean?” Takashi asked, his throat tight.
And Tuti was moving closer to him, touching his face, making him shiver, and pressing warm familiar lips to his mouth. Tuti pulled away before allowing the kiss to deepen though.
“It’s just… Today, this morning, it was such a stupid thing,” Tuti stopped for a second and shook his head. “I know that I hurt you, and… I just… I hate it when we fight. I wish I knew how to stop it from happening.” And now Tuti was looking at him seriously. “Takashi?”
Takashi blinked at Tuti, making a small noise of acknowledgement, though he had a feeling Tuti was going to ask whatever he was going to ask anyway, regardless. He watched Tuti take another deep breath.
“If you think you’d be happier without me, would you tell me? Would you trust me enough to tell me?”
Takashi frowned in concern, because he felt like this was some sort of trick question. “How am I supposed to answer that?” he asked a little warily.
Tuti was just watching him though, waiting. After a second he shook his head slightly, “Never mind,” he said softly, and somehow Takashi realized that it had been an honest question.
“Are you happy?” Tuti asked after a second.
“Right now?” Takashi laughed, shifting his weight a little on the couch, avoiding the question before he even realized what he was doing. “Because right now-”
“I mean in general. With me.”
Takashi looked at Tuti a little guiltily. He knew that this was important, but…he just didn’t know how to answer that right now. “Of course I’m happy,” he started. “But…”
“But what?”
Takashi thought for a long moment, before he took a deep breath, and forced himself to look up at Tuti. “Sometimes I just wonder, that’s all.”
“Wonder what?”
“Do you think we’re good for each other?”
Takashi had surprised himself by being able to keep his voice steady. He raised tentative eyes to Tuti’s face, and was surprised to see the corners of Tuti’s mouth curling upwards just a little.
“Well, I do think we’re a pretty good match. The fact that we can fight like we did this morning, and talk like this now is good, right? I mean, it’s not perfect, but…” Tuti watched Takashi for a few moments before he reached his hand out to touch the shoulder in front of him. “Takashi, what is it? What’s wrong?”
“I just…” Takashi paused, as Tuti’s fingers slid away, wondering if he looked as nervous as he felt, and if that was why Tuti was looking at him with such concern right now. He took a deep breath, and tried to relax his voice. “I don’t know if that’s true. If I’m good for you. If you’re good for me.” He looked down at his hands, trying to decide how much he should say.
“Takashi…”
Tuti’s voice was a soft reassurance, but…. It wasn’t fair, to let Tuti say his name like that without letting him know how he felt. He had to be honest. His heart was pounding, and he had no idea why, because he was sure Tuti knew him better than anyone, and that he probably already knew everything he was about to say anyway.
He started again, quietly. “I just… I don’t know what I’m doing, or what we’re doing. Lately it seems like all we do is fight. And you really hurt my feelings today. I just… I miss how it used to be. When we were together every day, and…” Takashi took a deep breath, wondering if he was saying too much, but knowing that it didn’t matter anyway, because if he didn’t say these things right now, he would lose his nerve. “And I know it’s silly, but… I don’t know what to do. I want to trust you. But I don’t know if I do. I’m afraid to say that too, because I don’t want to lose you either.” He looked at Tuti again, forcing himself to meet the other man’s eyes for a moment. “It’s the same for me. I can’t lose you.”
Tuti stared at him for a second, looking a little surprised, before he smiled tentatively. “I miss being with you every day too,” he told him. “And I don’t want to fight. I want things to be better, but… I realized today how much this means to me, and that I’m really not willing to give this up. Because there are a lot of good things too, right?” There was a long pause before Tuti said softly, “And just so you know, if you’re asking me if I think you’re good for me, there is no question.” Tuti looked at Takashi’s puzzled expression seriously. “The answer to that is always yes.”
Takashi’s heart was still pounding, and he realized that he had no idea what to say to that, or why hearing Tuti say those words with such conviction had caused his chest to tighten so much. He had no idea what was wrong with him, that even though Tuti was so important, and even when he needed him this much, he still didn’t have this much conviction, to be able to say something like that. He closed his eyes, telling himself that they were different, and that this was one of the things he liked about Tuti, and that this was something he valued, the fact that Tuti could open him up to things like this, but…
“And why not?” Tuti asked after a moment, breaking Takashi’s train of thought. “Why did you say that you couldn’t lose me?”
Takashi stared at Tuti, realizing that, to his surprise, he did have an answer to this question.
“It scares me,” he said softly. “What I feel when I imagine you not being here ever again. I’ve never been so scared before. About anything.” And Takashi realized that saying those words with Tuti right there really, really hurt somewhere inside of him. “Why did you say that though?” he was asking before he could stop himself.
“What, that I couldn’t lose you?” Tuti laughed nervously.
Takashi nodded.
“I’m not supposed to tell you that.”
Takashi looked at him, puzzled. “Why not?”
“Because we don’t talk about things like that, remember? Sappy, silly things? One of the things that’s so great about us?”
“But…” Takashi pouted a little. “I’m curious now.”
Tuti looked serious for a second, eyeing him suspiciously. “You promise you won’t be scared off?”
Takashi rolled his eyes, his lips pulling up into a soft smile. “Come on, Tuti.” But then his voice softened, and he glanced up at Tuti a little shyly. “Besides, this is important, right?”
“Please?” Takashi asked when Tuti was still quiet after a few seconds. “I won’t be scared off. I promise, ok?”
And then Tuti smiled, shaking his head to himself. “I know.” He took a deep breath. “I should have told you this a long time ago anyway.”
There was a long pause. Takashi was staring at Tuti, a little puzzled.
“It’s just…” Tuti paused. “I think…” He shook his head. “I mean, I don’t think it. I know it.” Takashi waited through a long pause, and a deep breath that seemed to stretch between them forever, before Tuti finally spoke again.
“Takashi, I love you. I know I do. I think I’ve known it for a long time.” Tuti sighed. “And so that’s why I said that, ok? That’s why I can’t lose you over something stupid like this.”
Takashi blinked a few times, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat that was getting bigger and bigger, as he tried to think of what to say. His eyes were fixed on the table in front of them, and on his untouched mug of tea, and he thought for a second, absently, about how silly it had been for Tuti to bring out tea that neither of them was going to drink, and that both of them had allowed to get cold. His heart was pounding, but this time, something felt different. He was excited, and nervous and… happy, he realized. He was really, really happy.
“You look like you’ve never heard anyone say that before,” Tuti said, laughing a little nervously.
“I… I haven’t.”
Tuti lowered his eyes at Takashi. “I know that can’t be true.”
“It’s true.”
Tuti shook his head, and then shrugged.
“Well, they didn’t say it like that anyway.”
“Like what? Like they didn’t plan it at all?” Tuti laughed again, but Takashi could tell he was nervous.
“Nobody ever said that and meant it.”
Tuti was quiet for a second. “You know, I didn’t even realize how much I meant it until right now. I mean…I knew before. I just…” And Tuti shrugged.
“Yeah, I think I knew too, actually.” Takashi found himself smiling, because he realized that this was true. He wasn’t surprised. Or scared, like he thought he would be. He’d never been one to wait for those words either, in fact, he could probably count on one hand the number of times he’d heard them from anyone other than his mother. Because aside from the silly, and often unavoidable confessions from girls back in high school, Takashi didn’t really make it a habit of encouraging people to share their feelings with him. Usually things like this left him feeling awkward… and almost clichéd, but… With Tuti, it was different.
“Yeah, I definitely knew,” Takashi said, grinning after a moment. “Sometimes.”
Tuti laughed. “And sometimes it probably wasn’t so obvious.”
“Probably not.” Takashi smiled again, and then his face darkened a little. He realized that his eyes were clouding over too, because his mind was suddenly telling him that this was important, and that he was not saying the right thing at all. “I’m sorry…”
Tuti looked confused for a second, and then a little nervous, “What? Why?”
“I just…. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s not-”
“No, Takashi, it’s ok-”
Takashi shook his head, cutting Tuti off. “I mean, all day I was wondering if I’d ever see you again. It felt like you were gone. I was really scared. Even now, I’m still scared, maybe.”
Tuti stared at him for a moment. “Me too.” His face was serious. “I was scared too. That’s why I waited out there for so long.” And then Tuti reached over tentatively, his fingers brushing lightly against Takashi’s hand. “Besides,” he said softly. “I know how you are, and I was afraid that if I let you go home on your own, by the end of the night you’d have convinced yourself that you hated me, and I’d never hear from you again.”
“Mou…” Takashi pouted a little, and felt Tuti’s fingers gripping his hand tightly.
“I’m serious! You’re a little scary like that...” He said with a smirk before his voice softened a little. “And you don’t have to say anything, ok? I don’t want you to feel like you have to say anything. Right now, or ever, ok? The only reason I said that is because I wanted you to know. That’s the only reason. Because I wanted to. Ok?”
Takashi found himself nodding. He was a little amazed, again, at how well Tuti seemed to always be able to understand him.
There was a moment of silence before Tuti spoke again, softly. “So are you ok with all of this?”
Takashi nodded, feeling the warmth rising in his cheeks under Tuti’s gaze.
“Good.” Tuti grinned, and then sighed.
“What?” Takashi asked, a little nervously, because he really had no idea what Tuti was thinking right now.
“Nothing, you just really scared me today, I think.” Tuti laughed. “Usually I try not to worry, but today?” Tuti sighed again. “I keep telling myself that everything’s ok now, but…”
Takashi nodded in understanding. “I know. I think I scared myself too.”
There was a pause before Tuti shook his head, and then grinned. “Well, I’m just glad I waited.”
“Me too.”
They were quiet for a moment, and then Takashi smiled.
“Thanks,” Takashi found himself saying, though he really wasn’t sure why. Maybe he was just grateful just that Tuti understood, or maybe he just wanted to thank him for everything in general. He really wasn’t sure.
Tuti was staring at him though, looking confused. “Thanks?”
“I don’t know, just thanks, ok? For understanding.” He paused, thinking. “And for being honest, and just… for being here.” Takashi sighed, and rolled his eyes at the look on Tuti’s face, before he smiled again. “Leave me alone. You know I hate talking about this kind of stuff.”
Tuti laughed, and then they were both quiet for a few seconds before Tuti shifted and pulled them both into a more comfortable position. Takashi could feel his heart racing, as he pressed his cheek to Tuti’s chest, and felt a welcome shiver of pleasure move across his skin as Tuti’s fingers traced deliberate lines up and down his arm, and across his shoulder. Still being able to feel like this with Tuti, was something that made him really happy right now, he realized.
“What are you thinking?” Tuti asked after a few minutes, his voice deep and quiet.
“Nothing, just… This feeling. This excitement.” Takashi smiled. “We always used to talk about the pulse during the myus? That feeling?”
Tuti was grinning. “Sure.”
“I was just thinking that I can feel it now.” Takashi propped himself up on one arm and winked down at Tuti. “So maybe it’s you.”
Tuti shook his head. “Maa…”
“I’m serious! It’s a compliment!” Takashi could feel Tuti’s body shaking with laughter, and he smiled, closing his eyes, and snuggling close to the man next to him for a second. “Seriously, I’m really happy.”
Tuti squeezed him tight for a moment. “I’m glad. I’m happy too.”
“Sometimes I just forget, you know?”
“Hmm?”
“I forget how good this is.” And he snuggled a little closer to the warm body underneath him, feeling Tuti’s arms pressing against his back.
“Well, next time if you need reminding, just ask, ok?”
“Hai, hai.” Takashi mumbled because it was all he could manage right now. Somehow he was feeling more calm and content and happy than he wondered if he had ever been before.
After a few minutes though, Tuti was whispering into his ear, “What time do you start tomorrow?”
“Mou…Tuti… I don’t want to think about that,” Takashi pouted.
Tuti laughed. “Well, I was just curious. Since I’m coming with you, you know.” Tuti cut off the noise of protest with a light kiss, confident that Takashi wasn’t really arguing. “Just for tomorrow, ok?”
It was still light outside, but Takashi knew that he was already half asleep and that there was no real point in fighting it. Besides, he loved sleeping on the couch with Tuti anyway, and as usually happened when they hadn’t eaten dinner, they’d probably both wake up starving in a few hours and go out then.
Takashi smiled. Because he loved this. He loved moments like this, and evenings like this. Because despite the fighting and despite how upset he had been all day, this always seemed to make up for it. This closeness that he had never felt with anyone before. Tuti shifted a little, and Takashi found he was no longer thinking, just listening, to the dull street sounds outside the window, and the clock in the dining room, and Tuti. His breathing, and his steady heartbeat and the way his jeans brushed together when he moved his feet.
“Ne, Tuti…”
“Hmm?”
“It’s weird that neither of us have anything tonight. When’s the last time that happened?”
Tuti laughed. “Actually, I’m supposed to be over at Daiki’s place at 10:00.”
“Yeah?” Takashi asked, curious. “One of his famous parties?”
Tuti nodded. “But I’d rather stay with you.”
“We could go together…” Takashi offered.
“No way.” Tuti grinned and pulled Takashi closer.
Takashi frowned. “Why not?”
“Because I want you all to myself tonight, ok?” Tuti’s voice had dropped to a low hum, and Takashi shivered. Then Tuti pulled Takashi close to him for a long moment, pressing warm kisses into his hair, and running his fingers along the nape of Takashi’s neck, making him shiver again.
“Ok…” But the word turned into a small moan before it left his lips, because Tuti’s hands had moved to his hips and his lips were pressed against his neck now, and he could feel the gentle pressure of Tuti sucking, just a little, on the skin there.
After a few seconds of this, Takashi moaned again, shamelessly, and Tuti laughed, low and quiet, before he pressed his lips against Takashi’s and their bodies met with warm friction and passion and… something else, something more than that, Takashi realized. The thought was cut off after a moment though because all he could feel, and all he wanted to feel was Tuti. The rest of his thoughts faded away after a second too as a shiver moved through his body, and the feeling inside of him filled him up to the point where he couldn’t deny this intensity any more. He leaned forward, pressed his lips to Tuti’s gratefully, hungrily.
“You know what?” Takashi asked after a minute, breaking the kiss.
“What?” Tuti asked, a little breathlessly.
“I’m surprised.”
Tuti laughed loudly. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
“This is really not how I thought I’d be spending tonight.”
Tuti laughed before he kissed Takashi deeply for a moment. “You thought I was serious before?”
Takashi shrugged, realizing that this thought still made him a little sad.
Tuti watched him for a second before he spoke, and Takashi was sure that this was one of those strange instances where Tuti was reading his mind. “I’m sorry for making you worry.” Tuti’s face was dark for a second before he smiled. “You know I’ll always be here.”
Takashi was startled by the serious look on Tuti’s face, and though he wasn’t really convinced by the other man’s promise, he nodded anyway. Tuti responded with a kiss that was deep, and loving and passionate but slow and perfect at the same time. The longer they kissed the farther away everything seemed, and the harder it became for Takashi to imagine Tuti not being here. His thoughts from before were becoming harder to bring back too, and Takashi wondered if there was a chance that maybe he did believe Tuti's words.
Because after all, from the moment they’d met, Tuti had never really left his side. And when he really thought about it, Takashi realized that he had a sneaking suspicion that maybe part of him already knew that Tuti was right. That he would always be here… The rest of this thought was promptly erased from his mind though, with another kiss, one that made Takashi realize that it really didn’t matter.
Besides, even if he was already convinced, and even if he already knew everything that Tuti felt before he said it, just by the feeling he got deep in the pit of his stomach when Tuti kissed him like this… He didn’t have to let Tuti know this just yet.
Owari
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Chapter: Part 2/2 (COMPLETE)
Warnings: angst, fluff, worksafe
Rating: PG-13
Notes/Summary: This takes place a few months ago, at the beginning of the summer, while Nagayan is in the recording studio. (This second part is the resolution. Hence, the fluff. ^_~) I hope you enjoy it... Comments are much appreciated. ^_^
(I dedicate this to kooriyoukai and fencer_x because they totally surprised me today with a wonderful, sparkly new Nagayan layout XD!! *hugs*)
( Part One )
“Takashi, do you trust me?”
They’d been walking for a while when Tuti’s question broke the silence between them, startling Takashi a little.
It was almost funny too. Takashi had spent the whole afternoon trying to take his mind off of Tuti, without any success at all, and now Tuti was right here, and Takashi knew he should say something, anything, but he couldn’t come up with a single word. He knew that this was weird, this silence, and the fact that they were just walking together aimlessly, amidst this swirl of people, but… He found that he really had nothing to say anymore.
It was strange, everything had been there one moment - complex explanations for his actions, and his feelings, endless questions that he needed answers to, but… Everything had dried up and vanished in an instant, seeing Tuti waiting outside of the studio. Maybe Takashi was just tired, or maybe he just didn’t want to think about what had happened earlier, but either way, it wasn’t just him - they had both found it surprisingly easy to fall into step together, and neither of them had said a word until now.
He wasn’t sure how long this would last though, and even now, Takashi knew that he had to respond, but… Part of him wished they could just continue this silence. Because there was something comforting, and even relaxing about just being next to Tuti right now. Takashi really had no idea how he could possibly even begin to verbalize everything he had been thinking and feeling today anyway. And maybe he didn’t want to. Maybe he just wanted to keep it like this, each of them pretending that everything was fine…
Because Takashi had been relieved, after hours of using all of his energy just to put the minimal effort forth to satisfy the obligations of this recording session, to see Tuti waiting there for him when he’d finished. He was relieved to be here next to him now too. At least if he passed out on the way to the train from exhaustion, someone would be there to carry him home, he told himself, though he knew it was more than that. He was sure he should be wondering why Tuti was here, that he should be questioning all of this right now, but… he found that he really didn’t mind taking things at surface value for the time being.
Maybe he had just lost his nerve. Either that, or he had worn himself out by worrying, but now… Now he just wanted Tuti to stay here. He didn’t care what they were doing, or if it made sense, or if he knew deep down that they couldn’t continue like this. Because in the end, like always, there was nothing really that remained except for wanting Tuti to be here like this. This thought floated in his mind for a moment, until he realized that Tuti was staring at him, probably waiting for an answer to his question.
Trust, Takashi remembered, as he turned his head and stared at Tuti for a long moment. Then he blinked, shaking his head, because he was honestly still confused. “What are you talking about, Tuti? Why did you ask me that?”
“I’ve been thinking about this all day,” Tuti said, staring at the man next to him before he turned his attention to the ground again.
Tuti seemed tired too, Takashi was thinking, having caught a glimpse of the shadows under the other man’s eyes. He could hear the strain in Tuti’s voice too, and something inside of him wanted to reach out to him, but… It still ached somewhere inside of him when he remembered this morning, and he figured that Tuti was probably still mad too. Tuti was looking at him seriously now though, as they walked, seeming more concerned than angry. Either way, Takashi found his remaining thoughts fading as his body sagged a little under the weight of the other man’s gaze.
“I really need you to tell me.” Tuti’s voice had darkened, and this abrupt change in tone actually caused Takashi to stop walking for a second.
“Do you trust me?” Tuti asked again.
Takashi repositioned the bag on his shoulder, staring at the ground in front of him. Tuti had stopped too, in front of him, and was holding Takashi’s arm now, gripping him tightly, which was sending off a small warning in Takashi’s mind, that this was one of those things not to do in public, in the middle of a crowded Tokyo street, but…
“Takashi, look at me.”
Takashi felt his heart tense up a little, at the urgency in Tuti’s voice. The air had somehow seemed to thin around his head too. He had felt calm a few minutes ago, but any trace of this was fading quickly. Takashi hated this - this helpless feeling that nothing he said mattered. Because he just couldn’t make Tuti understand how he felt. He knew that he couldn’t. And he was sure that Tuti felt exactly the same way about him.
Takashi knew that he had to at least try, that Tuti wanted him to say something, but… He just wasn’t good at being honest like this. Tuti was a hundred times better when it came to that, and…
“You’re not making this very easy, you know?” Tuti said with a slight smile.
Even though the smile never quite made it to Tuti’s eyes, Takashi felt something instinctively warming inside of him for a second, deep in the pit of his stomach. All it took was another instant though, several seconds of warmth and pressure from Tuti’s fingers around his skin and Takashi realized that he was angry, that Tuti was making him more angry by the second, because Tuti had no right to be asking him anything right now, and he had no right to think that this should be easy.
“Why should I?” He found himself saying, ignoring the hurt expression on Tuti’s face. “What about you? You’re the one who-”
The words caught in his throat though, half because he really didn’t want to think about this morning anymore, but also because he had just been reminded, by a harsh jostle from a dark-suited businessman that almost knocked him off balance, where they were. A certain hushed conversation with Kimeru about the importance of his image had been called to the front of his mind suddenly too, and he felt his skin begin to prickle uncomfortably under the collar of his shirt.
“Never mind,” he said quietly, trying to jerk his arm back. “Let me go.”
He panicked for a second when he realized how tight Tuti’s grip still was though. “Tuti, let me go.” He could hear the desperation in his voice and he was embarrassed for a second, until he realized how silly and useless that was, since he was sure that this transparency was hardly surprising to Tuti at this point. Tuti had broken down all of his defenses a long time ago, after all.
“Answer me then.” Tuti said quietly, releasing his grip after a second.
Takashi could hear the desperation in Tuti’s voice too, but for some reason, he was still embarrassed. For both of them. Or maybe just for himself, he really wasn’t sure.
“Please,” Tuti said, before asking again, “Do you trust me?” And Takashi could feel his insides twisting and turning cold at the look on Tuti’s face. “Because it doesn’t matter how many times I apologize, if you don’t trust me, I… I don’t know if I-”
“Can do this anymore?” Takashi supplied, surprised that he was able to get the words out. He wasn’t even sure why he said it, it was just that Tuti’s voice had been cracking, and Takashi had felt the thinness in the air growing around him, because he knew what Tuti had been about to say, and he just didn’t want to hear it. The thought of those words coming out of Tuti’s mouth just felt so wrong, he couldn’t stand it. It was easier, this way, he figured.
“Well, I don’t know if I can do this anymore either,” Takashi said truthfully, but as soon as the words had left his mouth, a wave of panic washed over him, and he wondered if he had said something he couldn’t take back.
Takashi stared down in front of him at a fixed point on the ground, just past the toes of his shoes. He refused to look at Tuti, and refused also to acknowledge that he could see the color draining from the other man’s cheeks out of the corner of his eye.
“No.” Tuti said quietly, after a second.
“No?” Takashi’s voice was shaking, and he was almost relieved by the confusion that was overriding his other emotions right now.
Tuti was shaking his head. “No. That’s not what I was going to say. That’s not what I meant.” He met Takashi’s eyes for a second before looking away again. “I don’t want to lose you,” he finished, and his voice was quiet, but resolute.
And then Takashi could feel the warm air become a little warmer around him for a second. He didn’t resist as Tuti grabbed his arm again, this time pulling him close, a little awkwardly, causing Takashi to almost stumble for a moment before he felt the warm press of Tuti’s chest against his cheek. Everything around him seemed to fade into the warm fabric and the soft skin that Takashi could feel trembling a little underneath it. Takashi let his bag drop to the ground after a second too, because he needed to wrap his arms around Tuti’s back, and to press their bodies closer together. It felt like it had been forever since he had felt the strength of those arms around him. Takashi had no idea why he was allowing this either, when they should be talking, and when he should be asking Tuti what the hell he was talking about and what he meant, but... He must have wanted this though, he realized, or it wouldn’t be happening this way.
“I’m sorry,” Tuti said softly, his breath ticking against Takashi’s neck as he spoke, the intense shiver that this caused to run through Takashi’s body confirming the fact that Takashi did, in fact, want this, maybe a lot more than he wanted to admit he did.
Takashi tried to shake his head, but realized it wasn’t working very well when Tuti was holding him so close.
“It’s ok.” Takashi forced the words out, his voice barely above a whisper. “You were angry.”
Tuti’s only response was to hold him a little tighter and Takashi realized he could barely breathe, but it didn’t matter. Because it felt like for the first time in a long time he was allowing Tuti to really touch him, to really be close to him. He was allowing himself to experience this now too - the contour of Tuti’s back under his fingers, and the shiver that ran down his spine when Tuti’s fingers touched the bare skin of his neck.
His mind was clear too, and he could feel his chest expanding with each breath and the air in his lungs was heavy and warm and wonderful. The colors became sharper around them, and he pressed his face close against Tuti’s chest, hearing the familiar thumping there, and knowing suddenly that this was probably what he had wanted all along. He wanted to laugh, because as ridiculous as it sounded, he was sure that it was true. He knew that everything wasn’t so simple, but he knew too that sometimes he just needed this. He needed to feel Tuti close to him like this.
Tuti broke away first, placing his hands over Takashi’s where they had wrapped around his back, and squeezing them for a moment before he took a small step backwards. They stood there for a few seconds, facing each other, and then Takashi reminded himself to breathe as he picked up his bag from where he had dropped it, wondering why it suddenly felt so much lighter than it had before. Maybe it was his entire body that was lighter though, Takashi realized after a moment, as he took a step forward.
They were silent again, as they started walking, but Tuti stayed close to him, allowing their shoulders to brush together off and on as they moved along the crowded street, holding Takashi’s arm sometimes too, as he navigated them towards the train. Takashi wasn’t thinking much except that this was nice - Tuti’s constant warmth next to him in the middle of this place that just a few minutes ago had seemed disgusting and crowded and annoying. Somehow he didn’t notice any of this anymore.
As they stepped onto the train, Takashi realized that he had no idea if they were going to his place, or Tuti’s, but he knew that it didn’t really matter. Tuti’s place was farther away though, and he realized after more than five minutes on the train that this must be where they were headed. The crinkled cotton of Tuti’s shirt against his bare shoulder felt good too, as he slouched forward a little to block the light from his eyes. Takashi closed his eyes, concentrating on the warmth he could feel creeping through the fibers against his arm, and wondered how long this would last, this dim haze of contentment that seemed to have settled into his mind.
It wasn’t until his shoes were off, and he was left standing alone in the living room of Tuti’s apartment, that a bit of his prior mood began to creep back into his mind. The haze had faded too, somewhere along the way to Tuti’s apartment, and Takashi found himself thinking a little more realistically now, and definitely much more rationally than he remembered being able to think in a while.
He knew that he needed to talk to Tuti. That they needed to talk. He really wasn’t sure if he was up to a serious discussion right now, but he knew that it needed to be done. They’d both been thinking a lot of things, Takashi figured, and there was a lot that needed to be said.
Tuti returned from the kitchen, and settled down next to Takashi on the couch, pulling one leg up under him, and turning sideways so that they were facing each other.
Tuti had brought out tea, which made Takashi wonder if he wasn’t the only one thinking of having a serious talk, as he watched the man next to him draw a mug up to his lips with a slightly shaking hand. Tuti usually only drank tea when he was nervous and for whatever reason was unable to or unwilling to light up a cigarette. Takashi knew this, and had decided a long time ago that he wouldn’t let on that he knew, because he figured this was a good way to encourage Tuti to stop smoking, but… He felt a little guilty right now, seeing the tension in the other man’s movements.
“I told you I don’t mind if you smoke.” Takashi tried not to smile at the look of surprise on Tuti’s face.
Tuti looked a little embarrassed for a second too as he shook his head. “It’s ok.”
Takashi shrugged, raising his eyebrows a little. “I’m just saying…”
“I know,” the other man said quickly. “And thanks, but I’m fine.” Tuti nodded, but didn’t say anything else, and Takashi found himself shifting uncomfortably for a moment.
Takashi couldn’t relax, and Tuti’s nervousness was only making him feel worse. He was anxious to get this out of the way, but… He was afraid of the outcome of this conversation too, he realized. He knew he had to tell Tuti what he had been thinking, but he just wasn’t sure how Tuti would react. Takashi had so many doubts, about everything, and he had no idea how to tell Tuti this. Then again, maybe Tuti already knew. Takashi had no idea.
“How long were you waiting out there anyway?” Takashi asked quietly after a second.
Tuti glanced at the man next to him, his eyes shifting down to his hands, and then up at Takashi’s face again. “At the studio?”
Takashi nodded.
“Since lunch,” Tuti told him with just a slight hint of hesitation. “Why?”
“Since lunch? Really?”
Takashi blinked, trying to imagine Tuti waiting out there for such a long time. Tuti couldn’t sit still for ten minutes, usually, and Takashi shook his head, honestly unable to picture this, though he was sure that Tuti wasn’t lying.
“I didn’t know what time you were finishing and I didn’t want to miss you,” Tuti explained.
“But I was in there for hours,” Takashi was still a little amazed. “And I thought you were mad at me.”
“I was mad. But…” Tuti fidgeted a little.
“What?” Takashi asked, wondering what Tuti was getting at.
“It’s just… What I said before.” He looked at Takashi, ignoring the puzzled expression on his face, and took a deep breath. “I was serious. I can’t lose you.”
Takashi opened his mouth, but his throat was suddenly so dry, he had to swallow hard before he could get anything out. He wasn’t sure what it was. The tone of Tuti’s voice. The stillness of his body. The absolute heavy seriousness of his words. Or maybe a combination of all of this.
“What do you mean?” Takashi asked, his throat tight.
And Tuti was moving closer to him, touching his face, making him shiver, and pressing warm familiar lips to his mouth. Tuti pulled away before allowing the kiss to deepen though.
“It’s just… Today, this morning, it was such a stupid thing,” Tuti stopped for a second and shook his head. “I know that I hurt you, and… I just… I hate it when we fight. I wish I knew how to stop it from happening.” And now Tuti was looking at him seriously. “Takashi?”
Takashi blinked at Tuti, making a small noise of acknowledgement, though he had a feeling Tuti was going to ask whatever he was going to ask anyway, regardless. He watched Tuti take another deep breath.
“If you think you’d be happier without me, would you tell me? Would you trust me enough to tell me?”
Takashi frowned in concern, because he felt like this was some sort of trick question. “How am I supposed to answer that?” he asked a little warily.
Tuti was just watching him though, waiting. After a second he shook his head slightly, “Never mind,” he said softly, and somehow Takashi realized that it had been an honest question.
“Are you happy?” Tuti asked after a second.
“Right now?” Takashi laughed, shifting his weight a little on the couch, avoiding the question before he even realized what he was doing. “Because right now-”
“I mean in general. With me.”
Takashi looked at Tuti a little guiltily. He knew that this was important, but…he just didn’t know how to answer that right now. “Of course I’m happy,” he started. “But…”
“But what?”
Takashi thought for a long moment, before he took a deep breath, and forced himself to look up at Tuti. “Sometimes I just wonder, that’s all.”
“Wonder what?”
“Do you think we’re good for each other?”
Takashi had surprised himself by being able to keep his voice steady. He raised tentative eyes to Tuti’s face, and was surprised to see the corners of Tuti’s mouth curling upwards just a little.
“Well, I do think we’re a pretty good match. The fact that we can fight like we did this morning, and talk like this now is good, right? I mean, it’s not perfect, but…” Tuti watched Takashi for a few moments before he reached his hand out to touch the shoulder in front of him. “Takashi, what is it? What’s wrong?”
“I just…” Takashi paused, as Tuti’s fingers slid away, wondering if he looked as nervous as he felt, and if that was why Tuti was looking at him with such concern right now. He took a deep breath, and tried to relax his voice. “I don’t know if that’s true. If I’m good for you. If you’re good for me.” He looked down at his hands, trying to decide how much he should say.
“Takashi…”
Tuti’s voice was a soft reassurance, but…. It wasn’t fair, to let Tuti say his name like that without letting him know how he felt. He had to be honest. His heart was pounding, and he had no idea why, because he was sure Tuti knew him better than anyone, and that he probably already knew everything he was about to say anyway.
He started again, quietly. “I just… I don’t know what I’m doing, or what we’re doing. Lately it seems like all we do is fight. And you really hurt my feelings today. I just… I miss how it used to be. When we were together every day, and…” Takashi took a deep breath, wondering if he was saying too much, but knowing that it didn’t matter anyway, because if he didn’t say these things right now, he would lose his nerve. “And I know it’s silly, but… I don’t know what to do. I want to trust you. But I don’t know if I do. I’m afraid to say that too, because I don’t want to lose you either.” He looked at Tuti again, forcing himself to meet the other man’s eyes for a moment. “It’s the same for me. I can’t lose you.”
Tuti stared at him for a second, looking a little surprised, before he smiled tentatively. “I miss being with you every day too,” he told him. “And I don’t want to fight. I want things to be better, but… I realized today how much this means to me, and that I’m really not willing to give this up. Because there are a lot of good things too, right?” There was a long pause before Tuti said softly, “And just so you know, if you’re asking me if I think you’re good for me, there is no question.” Tuti looked at Takashi’s puzzled expression seriously. “The answer to that is always yes.”
Takashi’s heart was still pounding, and he realized that he had no idea what to say to that, or why hearing Tuti say those words with such conviction had caused his chest to tighten so much. He had no idea what was wrong with him, that even though Tuti was so important, and even when he needed him this much, he still didn’t have this much conviction, to be able to say something like that. He closed his eyes, telling himself that they were different, and that this was one of the things he liked about Tuti, and that this was something he valued, the fact that Tuti could open him up to things like this, but…
“And why not?” Tuti asked after a moment, breaking Takashi’s train of thought. “Why did you say that you couldn’t lose me?”
Takashi stared at Tuti, realizing that, to his surprise, he did have an answer to this question.
“It scares me,” he said softly. “What I feel when I imagine you not being here ever again. I’ve never been so scared before. About anything.” And Takashi realized that saying those words with Tuti right there really, really hurt somewhere inside of him. “Why did you say that though?” he was asking before he could stop himself.
“What, that I couldn’t lose you?” Tuti laughed nervously.
Takashi nodded.
“I’m not supposed to tell you that.”
Takashi looked at him, puzzled. “Why not?”
“Because we don’t talk about things like that, remember? Sappy, silly things? One of the things that’s so great about us?”
“But…” Takashi pouted a little. “I’m curious now.”
Tuti looked serious for a second, eyeing him suspiciously. “You promise you won’t be scared off?”
Takashi rolled his eyes, his lips pulling up into a soft smile. “Come on, Tuti.” But then his voice softened, and he glanced up at Tuti a little shyly. “Besides, this is important, right?”
“Please?” Takashi asked when Tuti was still quiet after a few seconds. “I won’t be scared off. I promise, ok?”
And then Tuti smiled, shaking his head to himself. “I know.” He took a deep breath. “I should have told you this a long time ago anyway.”
There was a long pause. Takashi was staring at Tuti, a little puzzled.
“It’s just…” Tuti paused. “I think…” He shook his head. “I mean, I don’t think it. I know it.” Takashi waited through a long pause, and a deep breath that seemed to stretch between them forever, before Tuti finally spoke again.
“Takashi, I love you. I know I do. I think I’ve known it for a long time.” Tuti sighed. “And so that’s why I said that, ok? That’s why I can’t lose you over something stupid like this.”
Takashi blinked a few times, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat that was getting bigger and bigger, as he tried to think of what to say. His eyes were fixed on the table in front of them, and on his untouched mug of tea, and he thought for a second, absently, about how silly it had been for Tuti to bring out tea that neither of them was going to drink, and that both of them had allowed to get cold. His heart was pounding, but this time, something felt different. He was excited, and nervous and… happy, he realized. He was really, really happy.
“You look like you’ve never heard anyone say that before,” Tuti said, laughing a little nervously.
“I… I haven’t.”
Tuti lowered his eyes at Takashi. “I know that can’t be true.”
“It’s true.”
Tuti shook his head, and then shrugged.
“Well, they didn’t say it like that anyway.”
“Like what? Like they didn’t plan it at all?” Tuti laughed again, but Takashi could tell he was nervous.
“Nobody ever said that and meant it.”
Tuti was quiet for a second. “You know, I didn’t even realize how much I meant it until right now. I mean…I knew before. I just…” And Tuti shrugged.
“Yeah, I think I knew too, actually.” Takashi found himself smiling, because he realized that this was true. He wasn’t surprised. Or scared, like he thought he would be. He’d never been one to wait for those words either, in fact, he could probably count on one hand the number of times he’d heard them from anyone other than his mother. Because aside from the silly, and often unavoidable confessions from girls back in high school, Takashi didn’t really make it a habit of encouraging people to share their feelings with him. Usually things like this left him feeling awkward… and almost clichéd, but… With Tuti, it was different.
“Yeah, I definitely knew,” Takashi said, grinning after a moment. “Sometimes.”
Tuti laughed. “And sometimes it probably wasn’t so obvious.”
“Probably not.” Takashi smiled again, and then his face darkened a little. He realized that his eyes were clouding over too, because his mind was suddenly telling him that this was important, and that he was not saying the right thing at all. “I’m sorry…”
Tuti looked confused for a second, and then a little nervous, “What? Why?”
“I just…. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s not-”
“No, Takashi, it’s ok-”
Takashi shook his head, cutting Tuti off. “I mean, all day I was wondering if I’d ever see you again. It felt like you were gone. I was really scared. Even now, I’m still scared, maybe.”
Tuti stared at him for a moment. “Me too.” His face was serious. “I was scared too. That’s why I waited out there for so long.” And then Tuti reached over tentatively, his fingers brushing lightly against Takashi’s hand. “Besides,” he said softly. “I know how you are, and I was afraid that if I let you go home on your own, by the end of the night you’d have convinced yourself that you hated me, and I’d never hear from you again.”
“Mou…” Takashi pouted a little, and felt Tuti’s fingers gripping his hand tightly.
“I’m serious! You’re a little scary like that...” He said with a smirk before his voice softened a little. “And you don’t have to say anything, ok? I don’t want you to feel like you have to say anything. Right now, or ever, ok? The only reason I said that is because I wanted you to know. That’s the only reason. Because I wanted to. Ok?”
Takashi found himself nodding. He was a little amazed, again, at how well Tuti seemed to always be able to understand him.
There was a moment of silence before Tuti spoke again, softly. “So are you ok with all of this?”
Takashi nodded, feeling the warmth rising in his cheeks under Tuti’s gaze.
“Good.” Tuti grinned, and then sighed.
“What?” Takashi asked, a little nervously, because he really had no idea what Tuti was thinking right now.
“Nothing, you just really scared me today, I think.” Tuti laughed. “Usually I try not to worry, but today?” Tuti sighed again. “I keep telling myself that everything’s ok now, but…”
Takashi nodded in understanding. “I know. I think I scared myself too.”
There was a pause before Tuti shook his head, and then grinned. “Well, I’m just glad I waited.”
“Me too.”
They were quiet for a moment, and then Takashi smiled.
“Thanks,” Takashi found himself saying, though he really wasn’t sure why. Maybe he was just grateful just that Tuti understood, or maybe he just wanted to thank him for everything in general. He really wasn’t sure.
Tuti was staring at him though, looking confused. “Thanks?”
“I don’t know, just thanks, ok? For understanding.” He paused, thinking. “And for being honest, and just… for being here.” Takashi sighed, and rolled his eyes at the look on Tuti’s face, before he smiled again. “Leave me alone. You know I hate talking about this kind of stuff.”
Tuti laughed, and then they were both quiet for a few seconds before Tuti shifted and pulled them both into a more comfortable position. Takashi could feel his heart racing, as he pressed his cheek to Tuti’s chest, and felt a welcome shiver of pleasure move across his skin as Tuti’s fingers traced deliberate lines up and down his arm, and across his shoulder. Still being able to feel like this with Tuti, was something that made him really happy right now, he realized.
“What are you thinking?” Tuti asked after a few minutes, his voice deep and quiet.
“Nothing, just… This feeling. This excitement.” Takashi smiled. “We always used to talk about the pulse during the myus? That feeling?”
Tuti was grinning. “Sure.”
“I was just thinking that I can feel it now.” Takashi propped himself up on one arm and winked down at Tuti. “So maybe it’s you.”
Tuti shook his head. “Maa…”
“I’m serious! It’s a compliment!” Takashi could feel Tuti’s body shaking with laughter, and he smiled, closing his eyes, and snuggling close to the man next to him for a second. “Seriously, I’m really happy.”
Tuti squeezed him tight for a moment. “I’m glad. I’m happy too.”
“Sometimes I just forget, you know?”
“Hmm?”
“I forget how good this is.” And he snuggled a little closer to the warm body underneath him, feeling Tuti’s arms pressing against his back.
“Well, next time if you need reminding, just ask, ok?”
“Hai, hai.” Takashi mumbled because it was all he could manage right now. Somehow he was feeling more calm and content and happy than he wondered if he had ever been before.
After a few minutes though, Tuti was whispering into his ear, “What time do you start tomorrow?”
“Mou…Tuti… I don’t want to think about that,” Takashi pouted.
Tuti laughed. “Well, I was just curious. Since I’m coming with you, you know.” Tuti cut off the noise of protest with a light kiss, confident that Takashi wasn’t really arguing. “Just for tomorrow, ok?”
It was still light outside, but Takashi knew that he was already half asleep and that there was no real point in fighting it. Besides, he loved sleeping on the couch with Tuti anyway, and as usually happened when they hadn’t eaten dinner, they’d probably both wake up starving in a few hours and go out then.
Takashi smiled. Because he loved this. He loved moments like this, and evenings like this. Because despite the fighting and despite how upset he had been all day, this always seemed to make up for it. This closeness that he had never felt with anyone before. Tuti shifted a little, and Takashi found he was no longer thinking, just listening, to the dull street sounds outside the window, and the clock in the dining room, and Tuti. His breathing, and his steady heartbeat and the way his jeans brushed together when he moved his feet.
“Ne, Tuti…”
“Hmm?”
“It’s weird that neither of us have anything tonight. When’s the last time that happened?”
Tuti laughed. “Actually, I’m supposed to be over at Daiki’s place at 10:00.”
“Yeah?” Takashi asked, curious. “One of his famous parties?”
Tuti nodded. “But I’d rather stay with you.”
“We could go together…” Takashi offered.
“No way.” Tuti grinned and pulled Takashi closer.
Takashi frowned. “Why not?”
“Because I want you all to myself tonight, ok?” Tuti’s voice had dropped to a low hum, and Takashi shivered. Then Tuti pulled Takashi close to him for a long moment, pressing warm kisses into his hair, and running his fingers along the nape of Takashi’s neck, making him shiver again.
“Ok…” But the word turned into a small moan before it left his lips, because Tuti’s hands had moved to his hips and his lips were pressed against his neck now, and he could feel the gentle pressure of Tuti sucking, just a little, on the skin there.
After a few seconds of this, Takashi moaned again, shamelessly, and Tuti laughed, low and quiet, before he pressed his lips against Takashi’s and their bodies met with warm friction and passion and… something else, something more than that, Takashi realized. The thought was cut off after a moment though because all he could feel, and all he wanted to feel was Tuti. The rest of his thoughts faded away after a second too as a shiver moved through his body, and the feeling inside of him filled him up to the point where he couldn’t deny this intensity any more. He leaned forward, pressed his lips to Tuti’s gratefully, hungrily.
“You know what?” Takashi asked after a minute, breaking the kiss.
“What?” Tuti asked, a little breathlessly.
“I’m surprised.”
Tuti laughed loudly. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
“This is really not how I thought I’d be spending tonight.”
Tuti laughed before he kissed Takashi deeply for a moment. “You thought I was serious before?”
Takashi shrugged, realizing that this thought still made him a little sad.
Tuti watched him for a second before he spoke, and Takashi was sure that this was one of those strange instances where Tuti was reading his mind. “I’m sorry for making you worry.” Tuti’s face was dark for a second before he smiled. “You know I’ll always be here.”
Takashi was startled by the serious look on Tuti’s face, and though he wasn’t really convinced by the other man’s promise, he nodded anyway. Tuti responded with a kiss that was deep, and loving and passionate but slow and perfect at the same time. The longer they kissed the farther away everything seemed, and the harder it became for Takashi to imagine Tuti not being here. His thoughts from before were becoming harder to bring back too, and Takashi wondered if there was a chance that maybe he did believe Tuti's words.
Because after all, from the moment they’d met, Tuti had never really left his side. And when he really thought about it, Takashi realized that he had a sneaking suspicion that maybe part of him already knew that Tuti was right. That he would always be here… The rest of this thought was promptly erased from his mind though, with another kiss, one that made Takashi realize that it really didn’t matter.
Besides, even if he was already convinced, and even if he already knew everything that Tuti felt before he said it, just by the feeling he got deep in the pit of his stomach when Tuti kissed him like this… He didn’t have to let Tuti know this just yet.
Owari