[Fic] Stay
Title: Stay
Author: analine
Pairing: Nataraja/Pasupata
Warnings: None, worksafe
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~1800
Summary: Nataraja decides to get to the bottom of Pasupata's secrets.
Notes: HAPPY BIRTHDAY fencer_x~! It seems that a few of us (<3) had the same idea here, but I figured another birthday fic couldn't hurt, right? :D I actually feel like it's a small miracle that I finished this in time for your actual birthday in Japan--stupid time difference. :P Anyway. I hope you enjoy this! (It ended up being a bit of a a get-together~)♥
It wasn’t that Nataraja hadn't been surprised.
Because he had been. And it was more than that--it had shocked him down to his very core, knowing that for all those years, his secret hadn't really been a secret at all, because Pasupata had been harboring one of his own, one that raised so many questions that Nataraja didn't even know where to start.
So of course he'd been surprised, and shocked, and completely overwhelmed, but after that… After everything had come out, and after he’d sulked for a while, and spent a few days feeling bad for himself, and after he'd gotten yelled at by Pasupata and Shiva for being an idiot, after all of that, at some point, Nataraja had realized that they were all still friends.
Pasupata was still Pasupata.
Pasupata still laughed at his jokes, still followed him around making sure he didn't get into too much trouble, still stopped by his quarters to invite him to share meals with him and Shiva, but most importantly, he was still there. He'd stayed. Both of them had. And nothing had really changed.
And that was when he started to wonder if maybe part of him had known all along. Maybe part of him had just felt something every once in a while--his eyes would linger on Pasupata's blank gaze a little too long, and his friend's face would seem to flicker in recognition, just for a second.
Maybe part of him had known too that their ties weren’t as weak as he'd been afraid they were at first, when it was still such a shock; when he'd wanted nothing more than to just disappear from all of them.
Or maybe not.
It was kind of hard for him to be sure of anything anymore, but he'd be damned if he didn't at least try to understand.
**
He stops by Pasupata’s quarters in the early evening--it's spring, so the the inner rooms of the castle are hot during the day, but in the evening, it's still fairly comfortable. He figures he has a good chance of catching Pasupata there now, and he's right--Pasupata greets him with a warm smile, looks him straight in the eye, something Nataraja’s still not quite used to, and invites him in.
Pasupata's hair is tied up in a messy pony tail, pieces falling out here and there, framing his face and making him look younger somehow.
“It feels really strange, right?” Pasupata asks, after a moment of comfortable silence, as Nataraja takes a seat on one of the bright cushions on the floor.
“I wonder if I’ve been pretending too long," Pasupata continues as he joins Nataraja, sitting down and crossing his legs in one fluid movement. "It’s still kind of strange for me to look at people now.”
"Even me?"
"Especially you," Pasupata says, glancing sideways at Nataraja and smiling.
Nataraja frowns a little. “You know, I still don't understand why you kept it up for so long. You could have just told me.”
"Do you really want to know?"
"Of course I do." Nataraja sighs. "I've wanted to ask you...well, ever since I found out the truth."
Pasupata smiles a little, and then nods, and when he speaks, his words are deliberate, careful, and Nataraja wonders if maybe he's been thinking about this for the past few days too.
“At first I wasn’t sure what I was doing that night. Everything was so bright, and so hot, and then through all that smoke I saw you come into the room." Pasupata smiles. "But you looked at me like you didn’t want me to see you, and so I decided that I could do that, I could just not see you. Then you just grabbed my hand and you dragged me out, and you kept saying all the way back to the castle, that it must have been so scary for me, not being able to see, and then you said the same thing to the guards too. I think I went along with it because I really didn’t know what else to do,” he finishes, and his voice is even, matter-of-fact. “And then after that I think I was just afraid of what would happen if I told the truth. No one even seemed to question anything. I didn’t know how to make it right.”
“You told Shiva though.”
“Shiva figured it out,” Pasupata says with a smile. “He asked me flat out one day, said I’d have to work on my act a little more if I wanted to fool him, because he’d seen a blind beggar once and I was totally missing the mark.”
Nataraja laughs.
"He was probably right," Pasupata says, smiling. "After that we practiced--I got better."
“I’m sorry,” Nataraja says after a moment. "That I didn't know.”
Pasupata shakes his head. “I always tried the hardest for you. And I was good.” He grins. “It’s not your fault.”
“I don't understand though," Nataraja says. "Why me? Why didn’t you just--”
“I liked it,” Pasupata says, his voice calm, unwavering. "The way you told the story of that night.”
Nataraja looks at him, still confused.
"I liked that you were happy when you told people about saving me. I think maybe I wanted to believe that all of it was true."
Nataraja blinks. "I'm sorry that I wasn't actually a hero that night. I wish I could have been."
"You were," Pasupata meets his eyes, and the honesty there is so disarming, Nataraja feels his breath catch for a second. "You are. At least to me, you are."
Nataraja laughs. "I wish."
Pasupata just smiles. "That part of my story was never a lie, you know. You really did save me. And I really was grateful. I always will be."
"And you know," Pasupata continues when Nataraja just stares at him in silence. "I was always so careful, especially with you, but at the same time I think maybe I wanted you to figure it out, sometimes."
Nataraja nods. "I think maybe part of me knew," he says quietly. "I didn't think about it much at the time, but sometimes your eyes looked different. I didn't realize it until now."
"Different?"
"Yeah, almost like you saw me, just for a second. Here..." Nataraja moves so that he's facing Pasupata. "Look at me."
Pasupata does, carefully, and when their eyes meet, Nataraja feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end a little. It's still so strange, staring into those eyes and knowing that Pasupata is seeing him too. They stare at each other for a long time, neither of them moving. and then eventually Pasupata tilts his head and smiles a little.
"So did my eyes ever look like that before?"
Nataraja smiles. "Sometimes. Just for a second."
Pasupata watches him curiously. "I guess I was more careless than I thought."
There's a moment of silence, as Pasupata looks away, and Nataraja can't help but wonder what would have happened back then, if he'd questioned things more, if he'd thought about everything a little more, if he'd been more like Shiva. He wishes he could stop feeling like such a complete idiot for not seeing something that should have been so obvious.
"I didn't want you to leave," Pasupata says after a moment. "That's the real reason why I did it. I was afraid that you'd get angry. That you'd leave the castle." His voice is tight and quiet. "I was always really, really afraid of that."
"But I wouldn't--"
"You might have," Pasupata says, raising his voice a little. "I didn't know. Even a few days ago, when all of this happened, I didn't know what you would do. I was really worried."
Their eyes meet again, and the closer Nataraja looks, he realizes that Pasupata's eyes are shining a little, but his friend doesn't look away, just blinks a couple of times and smiles sheepishly. Nataraja really doesn't know what to say but he holds his friend's gaze, and it should be awkward, but it's not, if anything it's kind of...well, he just can't stop is the thing. Pasupata's eyes are dark, and earnest, and Nataraja gets the feeling that there are layers there, things hidden that maybe he can't see right now but that might be revealed if he just keeps looking a little longer. He feels drawn in, connected, and before he knows it, his arms are wrapped around Pasupata's back in a tight hug. It feels good, being this close to his friend, and necessary, like something is fixing itself gradually between them.
They start to move away and when Nataraja sneaks a look at Pasupata again, he finds that his friend's eyes are fixed on him. And then Pasupata quickly leans forward and in the blink of an eye, he brushes his lips against Nataraja's, feather-light and so quick that Nataraja almost thinks that he's imagined it.
But then he realizes that Pasupata has gone completely still--his eyes are closed, and there's a hint of a blush creeping up his neck.
"Hey," Nataraja says, reaching for Pasupata's shoulder. "Did you just..."
Pasupata nods, eyes still closed, but there's a tiny smile dancing at the corner of his mouth.
"I did, but..." Pasupata says, and now his eyes are open, dark and determined, as he reaches his hand forward, cups it around the back of Nataraja's neck, and presses their lips together firmly.
Pasupata is intent and focused as he finds the right angle, parts Nataraja's lips, and then swirls his tongue around purposefully, tasting, but barely lingering for longer than a moment before he nibbles a little at Nataraja's lip, and pulls away.
"That was a bit more of what I had in mind," he says, and then he smiles. "I figured I needed a new way to make sure you'd stick around now."
Nataraja doesn't say a word--his brain is too busy processing and reprocessing what just happened. No matter how he looks at it, and no matter how quickly it had happened, Pasupata had just kissed him. He could still taste it a little, could still feel the press of his lips, his tongue...
It had been really, really nice.
He blinks at Pasupata. "You--"
"Yeah." Pasupata nods, and when he speaks, his voice is tentative. "So, do you..." He looks up at Nataraja, and his eyes flicker with uncertainty. "Do think that might be a good enough reason for you to stay?"
"I never said I was going anywhere."
"You thought about it though," Pasupata says quickly.
Nataraja blinks, realizing suddenly that he had, though the thought seems absurd to him now. "I won't anymore," he says honestly.
Pasupata just nods and smiles. "Good." Then he laughs a little. "That's really, really good," he says again, grinning.
"Just so you know though," Nataraja starts, and then he frowns a little. "Not that I'm complaining, at all, but... I would've stayed anyway. No matter what. No matter what secrets you tell me, or whatever. So you shouldn't worry about that anymore."
"Yeah," Pasupata says, and then he smiles, and his face is bright--he looks happier than Nataraja thinks he's ever seen him. "I know."
***
Author: analine
Pairing: Nataraja/Pasupata
Warnings: None, worksafe
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~1800
Summary: Nataraja decides to get to the bottom of Pasupata's secrets.
Notes: HAPPY BIRTHDAY fencer_x~! It seems that a few of us (<3) had the same idea here, but I figured another birthday fic couldn't hurt, right? :D I actually feel like it's a small miracle that I finished this in time for your actual birthday in Japan--stupid time difference. :P Anyway. I hope you enjoy this! (It ended up being a bit of a a get-together~)♥
It wasn’t that Nataraja hadn't been surprised.
Because he had been. And it was more than that--it had shocked him down to his very core, knowing that for all those years, his secret hadn't really been a secret at all, because Pasupata had been harboring one of his own, one that raised so many questions that Nataraja didn't even know where to start.
So of course he'd been surprised, and shocked, and completely overwhelmed, but after that… After everything had come out, and after he’d sulked for a while, and spent a few days feeling bad for himself, and after he'd gotten yelled at by Pasupata and Shiva for being an idiot, after all of that, at some point, Nataraja had realized that they were all still friends.
Pasupata was still Pasupata.
Pasupata still laughed at his jokes, still followed him around making sure he didn't get into too much trouble, still stopped by his quarters to invite him to share meals with him and Shiva, but most importantly, he was still there. He'd stayed. Both of them had. And nothing had really changed.
And that was when he started to wonder if maybe part of him had known all along. Maybe part of him had just felt something every once in a while--his eyes would linger on Pasupata's blank gaze a little too long, and his friend's face would seem to flicker in recognition, just for a second.
Maybe part of him had known too that their ties weren’t as weak as he'd been afraid they were at first, when it was still such a shock; when he'd wanted nothing more than to just disappear from all of them.
Or maybe not.
It was kind of hard for him to be sure of anything anymore, but he'd be damned if he didn't at least try to understand.
**
He stops by Pasupata’s quarters in the early evening--it's spring, so the the inner rooms of the castle are hot during the day, but in the evening, it's still fairly comfortable. He figures he has a good chance of catching Pasupata there now, and he's right--Pasupata greets him with a warm smile, looks him straight in the eye, something Nataraja’s still not quite used to, and invites him in.
Pasupata's hair is tied up in a messy pony tail, pieces falling out here and there, framing his face and making him look younger somehow.
“It feels really strange, right?” Pasupata asks, after a moment of comfortable silence, as Nataraja takes a seat on one of the bright cushions on the floor.
“I wonder if I’ve been pretending too long," Pasupata continues as he joins Nataraja, sitting down and crossing his legs in one fluid movement. "It’s still kind of strange for me to look at people now.”
"Even me?"
"Especially you," Pasupata says, glancing sideways at Nataraja and smiling.
Nataraja frowns a little. “You know, I still don't understand why you kept it up for so long. You could have just told me.”
"Do you really want to know?"
"Of course I do." Nataraja sighs. "I've wanted to ask you...well, ever since I found out the truth."
Pasupata smiles a little, and then nods, and when he speaks, his words are deliberate, careful, and Nataraja wonders if maybe he's been thinking about this for the past few days too.
“At first I wasn’t sure what I was doing that night. Everything was so bright, and so hot, and then through all that smoke I saw you come into the room." Pasupata smiles. "But you looked at me like you didn’t want me to see you, and so I decided that I could do that, I could just not see you. Then you just grabbed my hand and you dragged me out, and you kept saying all the way back to the castle, that it must have been so scary for me, not being able to see, and then you said the same thing to the guards too. I think I went along with it because I really didn’t know what else to do,” he finishes, and his voice is even, matter-of-fact. “And then after that I think I was just afraid of what would happen if I told the truth. No one even seemed to question anything. I didn’t know how to make it right.”
“You told Shiva though.”
“Shiva figured it out,” Pasupata says with a smile. “He asked me flat out one day, said I’d have to work on my act a little more if I wanted to fool him, because he’d seen a blind beggar once and I was totally missing the mark.”
Nataraja laughs.
"He was probably right," Pasupata says, smiling. "After that we practiced--I got better."
“I’m sorry,” Nataraja says after a moment. "That I didn't know.”
Pasupata shakes his head. “I always tried the hardest for you. And I was good.” He grins. “It’s not your fault.”
“I don't understand though," Nataraja says. "Why me? Why didn’t you just--”
“I liked it,” Pasupata says, his voice calm, unwavering. "The way you told the story of that night.”
Nataraja looks at him, still confused.
"I liked that you were happy when you told people about saving me. I think maybe I wanted to believe that all of it was true."
Nataraja blinks. "I'm sorry that I wasn't actually a hero that night. I wish I could have been."
"You were," Pasupata meets his eyes, and the honesty there is so disarming, Nataraja feels his breath catch for a second. "You are. At least to me, you are."
Nataraja laughs. "I wish."
Pasupata just smiles. "That part of my story was never a lie, you know. You really did save me. And I really was grateful. I always will be."
"And you know," Pasupata continues when Nataraja just stares at him in silence. "I was always so careful, especially with you, but at the same time I think maybe I wanted you to figure it out, sometimes."
Nataraja nods. "I think maybe part of me knew," he says quietly. "I didn't think about it much at the time, but sometimes your eyes looked different. I didn't realize it until now."
"Different?"
"Yeah, almost like you saw me, just for a second. Here..." Nataraja moves so that he's facing Pasupata. "Look at me."
Pasupata does, carefully, and when their eyes meet, Nataraja feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end a little. It's still so strange, staring into those eyes and knowing that Pasupata is seeing him too. They stare at each other for a long time, neither of them moving. and then eventually Pasupata tilts his head and smiles a little.
"So did my eyes ever look like that before?"
Nataraja smiles. "Sometimes. Just for a second."
Pasupata watches him curiously. "I guess I was more careless than I thought."
There's a moment of silence, as Pasupata looks away, and Nataraja can't help but wonder what would have happened back then, if he'd questioned things more, if he'd thought about everything a little more, if he'd been more like Shiva. He wishes he could stop feeling like such a complete idiot for not seeing something that should have been so obvious.
"I didn't want you to leave," Pasupata says after a moment. "That's the real reason why I did it. I was afraid that you'd get angry. That you'd leave the castle." His voice is tight and quiet. "I was always really, really afraid of that."
"But I wouldn't--"
"You might have," Pasupata says, raising his voice a little. "I didn't know. Even a few days ago, when all of this happened, I didn't know what you would do. I was really worried."
Their eyes meet again, and the closer Nataraja looks, he realizes that Pasupata's eyes are shining a little, but his friend doesn't look away, just blinks a couple of times and smiles sheepishly. Nataraja really doesn't know what to say but he holds his friend's gaze, and it should be awkward, but it's not, if anything it's kind of...well, he just can't stop is the thing. Pasupata's eyes are dark, and earnest, and Nataraja gets the feeling that there are layers there, things hidden that maybe he can't see right now but that might be revealed if he just keeps looking a little longer. He feels drawn in, connected, and before he knows it, his arms are wrapped around Pasupata's back in a tight hug. It feels good, being this close to his friend, and necessary, like something is fixing itself gradually between them.
They start to move away and when Nataraja sneaks a look at Pasupata again, he finds that his friend's eyes are fixed on him. And then Pasupata quickly leans forward and in the blink of an eye, he brushes his lips against Nataraja's, feather-light and so quick that Nataraja almost thinks that he's imagined it.
But then he realizes that Pasupata has gone completely still--his eyes are closed, and there's a hint of a blush creeping up his neck.
"Hey," Nataraja says, reaching for Pasupata's shoulder. "Did you just..."
Pasupata nods, eyes still closed, but there's a tiny smile dancing at the corner of his mouth.
"I did, but..." Pasupata says, and now his eyes are open, dark and determined, as he reaches his hand forward, cups it around the back of Nataraja's neck, and presses their lips together firmly.
Pasupata is intent and focused as he finds the right angle, parts Nataraja's lips, and then swirls his tongue around purposefully, tasting, but barely lingering for longer than a moment before he nibbles a little at Nataraja's lip, and pulls away.
"That was a bit more of what I had in mind," he says, and then he smiles. "I figured I needed a new way to make sure you'd stick around now."
Nataraja doesn't say a word--his brain is too busy processing and reprocessing what just happened. No matter how he looks at it, and no matter how quickly it had happened, Pasupata had just kissed him. He could still taste it a little, could still feel the press of his lips, his tongue...
It had been really, really nice.
He blinks at Pasupata. "You--"
"Yeah." Pasupata nods, and when he speaks, his voice is tentative. "So, do you..." He looks up at Nataraja, and his eyes flicker with uncertainty. "Do think that might be a good enough reason for you to stay?"
"I never said I was going anywhere."
"You thought about it though," Pasupata says quickly.
Nataraja blinks, realizing suddenly that he had, though the thought seems absurd to him now. "I won't anymore," he says honestly.
Pasupata just nods and smiles. "Good." Then he laughs a little. "That's really, really good," he says again, grinning.
"Just so you know though," Nataraja starts, and then he frowns a little. "Not that I'm complaining, at all, but... I would've stayed anyway. No matter what. No matter what secrets you tell me, or whatever. So you shouldn't worry about that anymore."
"Yeah," Pasupata says, and then he smiles, and his face is bright--he looks happier than Nataraja thinks he's ever seen him. "I know."
***