Fic: Desire
Title: Desire
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: None; Worksafe, for the most part.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Nagayan is sick of not being able to be alone with Tuti.
Notes: First person Nagayan POV. So yeah, after the barrage of photos posted on various blogs about the ride back to Tokyo from Osaka on the shinkansen after Bleach this weekend, my brain decided I had to write this. It was originally going to be smut, but then it sort of turned into this more contemplative fic. (It's possible that I might continue this at some point too, but for now I wanted to post this part while it's still mostly relevant. XD;;) Comments are greatly appreciated. ^_^
I can hear him breathing softly in the seat behind me, and I wonder if he’s doing this on purpose, just so that I can hear him, because I’m sure he knows what this is doing to me. I find myself straining to hear his breath all the same though. I’m dwelling on his presence too, every movement of his legs against the back of the seat, and… Well, it’s entirely possibly that I’m just imagining things. Either way it doesn’t matter though, because I know that I need to feel this small connection between us right now, regardless.
I shift a little uncomfortably in my seat, as I allow my thoughts to take over. I’ve been trying to push them away for a few hours, but there’s really no denying it now. I want him. I want him so badly I don’t think I can wait anymore. And I don’t want to be polite. I don’t want to be discreet either, I realize.
I find that I’m a little confused as to where all this is coming from though. It’s really unlike me, to suddenly find myself not caring at all about the consequences of my actions. But all the sudden this just seems really important. And I want Tuti to know, I realize. I want him to know how much I want him.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m just tired of this. I’m tired of not being able to pout and whine when it just ends up, again, that I’m shoved into a seat that’s not next to Tuti. But then again, it doesn’t really matter, because I wouldn’t be able to lean over and fall asleep on his shoulder anyway, even if he was next to me. But still. It’s not like me to be like this. Tuti is usually the impatient one.
And it’s not that I feel threatened when circumstances push us apart like this. Because things are actually really good between us, and they have been for a while now. We’re happy. There are other people here, and I can’t deny that performance weeks are especially hard, and hectic, and that our attentions are divided at times, but… I’m still happy. I’m still in love.
I’ve never been in love for this long before either, so it’s kind of strange. I don’t even think about it anymore. It’s just there. It sustains me, and fills me up. It’s a constant now, this feeling deep in my heart, so much so that it’s hard for me to remember a time when I questioned it, or when it wasn’t there.
My desire is still so urgent though. It comes in rushes and waves so strong that I have to close my eyes until the moment passes. I have to ground myself in that darkness. Otherwise I know I would end up doing something completely inappropriate. And especially here, on this crowded train, I don’t want to let him see this side of me. Because I’m not sure if I would be able to contain myself, and this is something that’s just for him, so it really just seems better for me to hide here for a moment.
Something inside of me stares out at this darkness and wonders what will happen though. If I open my eyes. If I turn my head. If I allow myself to be lost in the deep brown of those eyes. My jeans feel suddenly tight around me, and I shift a little, trying to get comfortable. I swallow hard.
Then I hear soft rustling behind me, and the subtle shift of someone moving around. I feel the warm breath on my ear before he speaks, and I struggle to keep my eyes closed.
“Takashi…”
“Mmmm…” I know that I won’t really be able to fool Tuti this easily, but part of me is trying anyway.
“Are you asleep?” He asks softly, his breath tickling my ear, and moving my hair against my face a little.
“No,” I answer, a hint of guilt slipping into my voice.
“Why are your eyes closed then?” And I can feel his fingers as they reach around the back of my seat, finding my skin easily. He’s tucking my hair behind my ear, playfully, and then he runs a long finger down along my neck, and across my collarbone, as far as he can reach.
“You know why,” I whisper, and then my eyes slide open instinctively because I remember suddenly where we are. I look around me though, and I’m amazed, because at least in the general vicinity, everyone is asleep. I have no idea how I’m only just now hearing Tatsuya snoring next to me.
Tuti is leaning around the seat now, hanging out in the aisle precariously, and I can’t help but laugh. He’s smiling at me, but behind that, I can tell that he knows what I’m thinking. Or maybe not, maybe he’s just horny too. I can’t tell. It doesn’t matter though, I figure.
“How much longer do we have?” I ask quietly, and I feel his eyes searching my face, as he gravitates toward me. I swallow, and blink slowly. “What?” I ask reflexively after a second.
He shakes his head, and fixes me with a meaningful glance. “About an hour.”
I realize suddenly what he’s suggesting, and I smile, finding that I’m pleased with myself.
“Perfect,” I tell him, and move to stand up, suddenly extremely grateful that I got stuck with the aisle seat. I stare down at him for a moment before I pass. He’s looking up at me, a look of mock confusion on his face.
“Perfect?” And then he winks at me. “Takashi, I’m not sure I understand.”
He’s already getting up to follow me though.
And I’m a little embarrassed, just by how completely inappropriate this is, us sneaking off to a way-too-small bathroom while all of our friends are bound to wake up momentarily and wonder where we’ve gone. But maybe this has been a long time coming.
I mean, sometimes I think it’s the best thing in the world, working with Tuti on a job like this, and then other times, it just really gets to me, the holding back, and the constant tension that comes with us having to hide our relationship most of the time. It makes me want to do something really stupid, even though I know that I would never be able to willingly jeopardize this delicate balance we have with our image. But I can’t deny how badly I want this right now. It’s been a few days, after all, since we’ve been able to be really alone together.
We reach the space at the end of the car, and both of us stand there for a moment, facing each other. I feel Tuti eyes searching my face for something, reassurance maybe, and so I raise my eyebrows.
“You sure?” He asks softly. “Eiji and the others-”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” I’m surprised by my conviction. “I don’t care about them,” I add, smiling a little, before I lower my eyes.
Tuti grins back at me, and then moves forward, comically cautious, even though this part of the car is completely and thankfully empty, before he pushes on the small door to the train’s bathroom, and grabs my hand, pulling me inside.
In the confined space he presses against me, and I can feel the corner of the side mirror pushing against my back as the train shakes a little. Anticipation is pulsing through my veins and I shift a little, the friction causing me to moan quietly, deep in my throat. There’s a slight hesitation, a small warning bell going off somewhere in my brain, but… I can’t resist. Because I want this. I need this. I mumble something against the warm press of Tuti’s lips and he pulls back a little.
“Hmm?”
“Take me,” I tell him again.
He blinks at me and smiles before he chuckles a little. “Well, how can I say no to that?”
“Mou, Tuti…” I pout a little. “Leave me alone. It’s been a long weekend.”
“You want me to leave you alone?” He presses his hips against me. “You sure?”
“No,” I breathe, and I’m relieved when he kisses me again.
“Good…” He says softly, and I shiver a little in anticipation again as his hand guides me gently, and I turn against the wall.
***
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: None; Worksafe, for the most part.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Nagayan is sick of not being able to be alone with Tuti.
Notes: First person Nagayan POV. So yeah, after the barrage of photos posted on various blogs about the ride back to Tokyo from Osaka on the shinkansen after Bleach this weekend, my brain decided I had to write this. It was originally going to be smut, but then it sort of turned into this more contemplative fic. (It's possible that I might continue this at some point too, but for now I wanted to post this part while it's still mostly relevant. XD;;) Comments are greatly appreciated. ^_^
I can hear him breathing softly in the seat behind me, and I wonder if he’s doing this on purpose, just so that I can hear him, because I’m sure he knows what this is doing to me. I find myself straining to hear his breath all the same though. I’m dwelling on his presence too, every movement of his legs against the back of the seat, and… Well, it’s entirely possibly that I’m just imagining things. Either way it doesn’t matter though, because I know that I need to feel this small connection between us right now, regardless.
I shift a little uncomfortably in my seat, as I allow my thoughts to take over. I’ve been trying to push them away for a few hours, but there’s really no denying it now. I want him. I want him so badly I don’t think I can wait anymore. And I don’t want to be polite. I don’t want to be discreet either, I realize.
I find that I’m a little confused as to where all this is coming from though. It’s really unlike me, to suddenly find myself not caring at all about the consequences of my actions. But all the sudden this just seems really important. And I want Tuti to know, I realize. I want him to know how much I want him.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m just tired of this. I’m tired of not being able to pout and whine when it just ends up, again, that I’m shoved into a seat that’s not next to Tuti. But then again, it doesn’t really matter, because I wouldn’t be able to lean over and fall asleep on his shoulder anyway, even if he was next to me. But still. It’s not like me to be like this. Tuti is usually the impatient one.
And it’s not that I feel threatened when circumstances push us apart like this. Because things are actually really good between us, and they have been for a while now. We’re happy. There are other people here, and I can’t deny that performance weeks are especially hard, and hectic, and that our attentions are divided at times, but… I’m still happy. I’m still in love.
I’ve never been in love for this long before either, so it’s kind of strange. I don’t even think about it anymore. It’s just there. It sustains me, and fills me up. It’s a constant now, this feeling deep in my heart, so much so that it’s hard for me to remember a time when I questioned it, or when it wasn’t there.
My desire is still so urgent though. It comes in rushes and waves so strong that I have to close my eyes until the moment passes. I have to ground myself in that darkness. Otherwise I know I would end up doing something completely inappropriate. And especially here, on this crowded train, I don’t want to let him see this side of me. Because I’m not sure if I would be able to contain myself, and this is something that’s just for him, so it really just seems better for me to hide here for a moment.
Something inside of me stares out at this darkness and wonders what will happen though. If I open my eyes. If I turn my head. If I allow myself to be lost in the deep brown of those eyes. My jeans feel suddenly tight around me, and I shift a little, trying to get comfortable. I swallow hard.
Then I hear soft rustling behind me, and the subtle shift of someone moving around. I feel the warm breath on my ear before he speaks, and I struggle to keep my eyes closed.
“Takashi…”
“Mmmm…” I know that I won’t really be able to fool Tuti this easily, but part of me is trying anyway.
“Are you asleep?” He asks softly, his breath tickling my ear, and moving my hair against my face a little.
“No,” I answer, a hint of guilt slipping into my voice.
“Why are your eyes closed then?” And I can feel his fingers as they reach around the back of my seat, finding my skin easily. He’s tucking my hair behind my ear, playfully, and then he runs a long finger down along my neck, and across my collarbone, as far as he can reach.
“You know why,” I whisper, and then my eyes slide open instinctively because I remember suddenly where we are. I look around me though, and I’m amazed, because at least in the general vicinity, everyone is asleep. I have no idea how I’m only just now hearing Tatsuya snoring next to me.
Tuti is leaning around the seat now, hanging out in the aisle precariously, and I can’t help but laugh. He’s smiling at me, but behind that, I can tell that he knows what I’m thinking. Or maybe not, maybe he’s just horny too. I can’t tell. It doesn’t matter though, I figure.
“How much longer do we have?” I ask quietly, and I feel his eyes searching my face, as he gravitates toward me. I swallow, and blink slowly. “What?” I ask reflexively after a second.
He shakes his head, and fixes me with a meaningful glance. “About an hour.”
I realize suddenly what he’s suggesting, and I smile, finding that I’m pleased with myself.
“Perfect,” I tell him, and move to stand up, suddenly extremely grateful that I got stuck with the aisle seat. I stare down at him for a moment before I pass. He’s looking up at me, a look of mock confusion on his face.
“Perfect?” And then he winks at me. “Takashi, I’m not sure I understand.”
He’s already getting up to follow me though.
And I’m a little embarrassed, just by how completely inappropriate this is, us sneaking off to a way-too-small bathroom while all of our friends are bound to wake up momentarily and wonder where we’ve gone. But maybe this has been a long time coming.
I mean, sometimes I think it’s the best thing in the world, working with Tuti on a job like this, and then other times, it just really gets to me, the holding back, and the constant tension that comes with us having to hide our relationship most of the time. It makes me want to do something really stupid, even though I know that I would never be able to willingly jeopardize this delicate balance we have with our image. But I can’t deny how badly I want this right now. It’s been a few days, after all, since we’ve been able to be really alone together.
We reach the space at the end of the car, and both of us stand there for a moment, facing each other. I feel Tuti eyes searching my face for something, reassurance maybe, and so I raise my eyebrows.
“You sure?” He asks softly. “Eiji and the others-”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” I’m surprised by my conviction. “I don’t care about them,” I add, smiling a little, before I lower my eyes.
Tuti grins back at me, and then moves forward, comically cautious, even though this part of the car is completely and thankfully empty, before he pushes on the small door to the train’s bathroom, and grabs my hand, pulling me inside.
In the confined space he presses against me, and I can feel the corner of the side mirror pushing against my back as the train shakes a little. Anticipation is pulsing through my veins and I shift a little, the friction causing me to moan quietly, deep in my throat. There’s a slight hesitation, a small warning bell going off somewhere in my brain, but… I can’t resist. Because I want this. I need this. I mumble something against the warm press of Tuti’s lips and he pulls back a little.
“Hmm?”
“Take me,” I tell him again.
He blinks at me and smiles before he chuckles a little. “Well, how can I say no to that?”
“Mou, Tuti…” I pout a little. “Leave me alone. It’s been a long weekend.”
“You want me to leave you alone?” He presses his hips against me. “You sure?”
“No,” I breathe, and I’m relieved when he kisses me again.
“Good…” He says softly, and I shiver a little in anticipation again as his hand guides me gently, and I turn against the wall.
***