Fic: Better Than Fine
Title: Better Than Fine
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: Work-safe, kind of angsty.
Rating: PG
Summary: Tuti wonders if Nagayan is slipping away.
Disclaimer: This did not happen, and I do not own the song Waltz (Better Than Fine), by Fiona Apple.
Notes: I've been thinking a lot about Nagayan lately, and about why he doesn't seem to want to share things with us (via the public blog) anymore. And this is what happened. ^_~ I hope you enjoy it, and as always, comments are greatly appreciated. ^_^
Edit: Ah! I forgot to thank Liz! *ahem* Many thanks to lizstarsky for giving me feedback and convincing me that this was ok to post, etc. And for listening to my title angst. *nodnod* :D
Tuti stared into his empty glass for a moment. “Well, you do it on purpose, right?” he asked, his voice calm, though the question was clearly a challenge.
“What do you mean?” Takashi lowered his eyes and blinked through the hazy, smoke-filled air. He wondered, briefly, if this was going to turn into an argument.
“The mystery. It’s part of who you are. Never saying what you think, right?” Tuti took a long drag on his cigarette before squashing it into the ashtray in front of Takashi.
Takashi frowned, because of the cigarette, but also because he suddenly felt insulted, though he really wasn’t sure why. “Tuti, what are you talking about?” He fixed the other man with a serious look. “I say what I think all the time.”
Tuti watched him, smirking a little. “Do you?”
“Yeah, I do. All the time.” Takashi frowned again, and then sighed. “It’s not my fault if you’ve stopped listening to me,” he finished, his tone a little harsher than he’d intended it to be.
Tuti just smiled though. “Takashi, we’ve been together for six months and I think this is the most honest you’ve ever been with me.”
Takashi blinked, wondering why he didn’t have anything to say to that. He was suddenly reminded of a particularly scathing accusation from his last girlfriend. Hiding. Well, maybe, but…
“Don’t you think that’s a problem?” Tuti eyes were dark now, searching. “I don’t know what you want. I don’t know what you think about anything, or how you feel about anything.”
“What are you trying to say?” Takashi asked quickly, his defenses rising up around him. “You should get to the point. Because I don’t have time for this,” he finished coldly.
Tuti’s eyes flashed with anger before he sighed, loudly and deliberately. “It always comes back to that, doesn’t it?”
“To what?”
“You. Your life. Your obligations. You.”
“Yeah, you know what, it does.” Takashi stared at the man across the table. He had no idea what they were even arguing about right now. But he was mad. And he found that he suddenly wanted to get as far away from Tuti as possible. “And that’s what I want. I told you that a long time ago.”
Tuti had clearly ignored this last comment, and was looking past Takashi, offering a somewhat fake smile over his shoulder. It seemed the other members of their party were arriving.
**
Moriyama and Daiki looked from Tuti to Takashi, as they approached the table. To Tuti’s surprise though, Takashi was already standing, and pulling on his coat a little too quickly, while at the same time flashing a surprisingly convincing smile to everyone in the vicinity.
“Don’t worry, there’s plenty of room,” Takashi joked. “I was just leaving.”
Moriyama glanced at Takashi and then across to Tuti, looking confused. “Oh, I thought…”
Takashi was grinning now, and Tuti felt his chest tighten a little.
“Didn’t Tuti tell you? I have somewhere to be tonight.” Takashi’s eyes flickered dangerously. “Obligations,” he said and sighed, fixing his eyes on Tuti. “That’s what it always comes back to.”
After an awkward silence, Tuti started to stand, more out of habit than because he had any real reason to follow Takashi.
“No.” Takashi said the word firmly, and Tuti found himself sinking back into his chair.
A second later though, Takashi had transformed himself again, and any trace of emotion he had just shown was notably absent. He exchanged smooth words of departure with everyone, and began to make his way towards the door. Within a minute, he was gone.
**
Tuti was silent for a long moment after Takashi left, before he looked up at his friend across the table. He knitted his brow together in confusion after a second as he eyed the empty seat next to Moriyama. “Where’s Daiki?”
“Bathroom,” Eiji told him. “He’ll be back in a minute.”
“Ah…” Tuti found he really had nothing more to say, and instead he reached into his pocket for his cigarettes and lighter, placing them on the table. His hands were shaking, though he wasn’t really surprised, and he drew the lighter up slowly.
“What’s going on?” Eiji asked, allowing his friend a few long drags on his cigarette before he probed a little further. “He was obviously upset. What happened?”
“Nothing.” Tuti laughed, and stared across the table, his face falling after a second. “Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. I try to talk to him, and… Nothing.”
“What were you trying to talk to him about?”
Tuti sighed, fiddling with the lighter in his hands before returning it to the table. “I don’t really know. Maybe that’s the problem.”
Eiji laughed, raising his eyebrows. “Maybe.”
“It’s just… I feel like something’s wrong. But he won’t talk to me about it.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s…” Tuti swallowed, trying to find the right words. “I feel like he’s slipping away. Or maybe he was never there. I don’t know anymore.” The ash on his cigarette was getting dangerously long, but Tuti had long since stopped noticing. “I don’t think he’s happy,” he said, and immediately wished he could take it back.
“Really?”
Tuti nodded, wondering why admitting this had to hurt so much. “I’ve thought it for a long time.”
A few moments of silence passed. Tuti glanced down at his cigarette and slowly squashed it into the ashtray in front of him. Because Takashi wasn’t there, he lit up another immediately, and this action provided him a strange kind of pleasure.
“Well, maybe you should just ask him,” Moriyama offered. He raised his glass to his lips and took a long swallow, studying Tuti.
“I don’t know how to ask him. And I don’t want to.” Tuti laughed, shifting in the chair uncomfortably. “Maybe I don’t want to know.”
Moriyama took another long swallow before he rested his elbows on the table, meeting Tuti’s eyes. “Look, Takashi isn’t stupid. He’s aware of the risks involved in being with you. I’m sure that if he wasn’t happy, he wouldn’t be wasting his time anymore. He would tell you, don’t you think?”
“I don’t know.” Tuti frowned. “I don’t think he would.”
“You think he’d just wait for you to leave him?” Eiji sighed. “I don’t think he’s that kind of person. You know him better than I do, but…”
“I don’t!” Tuti’s voice was louder than he’d meant it to be. “That’s the problem. There are so many things I don’t know about him. And he doesn’t talk to me anymore. We used to be so close, but… I don’t know what happened.”
Moriyama stared at his friend for a second before shaking his head. “Well, if that’s the problem, then it sounds like the answer is simple.”
“What?” Tuti blinked, and raised his cigarette to his lips.
“Go find him, apologize, maybe throw in some make-up sex for fun, and then just talk to him.” Eiji winked before his face turned serious again. “Ask him what you want to know.”
Tuti sighed, and then frowned. “I wish it were that easy.”
Moriyama shrugged. “Maybe it is? Why don’t you find out?”
Tuti stared at his friend for a second, wondering why all the sudden he found himself thinking that this line of reasoning actually made sense.
“It couldn’t hurt, right?”
For some reason, despite the fact that part of him absolutely sure his friend was dead wrong about this, he found that he somehow wanted to believe him.
“Fine, you win.” Tuti sighed, and then forced a smile. “I think you’re wrong, but…”
“But nothing.” Eiji smiled. “The point is that you need to stop thinking and do something about it, right?”
They were quiet, as Tuti finished his cigarette. As he moved his hand away from the ashtray, he realized that somewhere in the past few minutes he’d made a decision.
“Tell Daiki we’ll take a rain check, ok?” he told his friend as he stood up, reaching for his coat and bag.
**
Takashi’s apartment was dark inside as Tuti approached the doorway. He fumbled a little with his key in the door, cursing under his breath, and then stepped inside. He kicked off his shoes, and blinked several times into the darkness. After his eyes adjusted a few seconds later, Tuti’s glance came to rest on a second set of shoes in the entryway, and he found that he was somewhat relieved. Part of him had been afraid, he guessed, that Takashi wouldn’t be inside, that he had gone somewhere else after leaving the bar. Tuti wondered absently how long he would have wandered the streets of this neighborhood until he found Takashi, if that had been the case.
He was trying to decide what to do, if he should wake Takashi up or just leave this for tomorrow, when he heard a soft rustling coming from the living room.
“Tuti?”
Tuti blinked slowly, knowing there was no real reason to be surprised. Because after all, there was just something about Takashi’s voice sometimes that did this to him. Made his insides turn warm and his mind go blank when he least expected it.
“Yeah, it’s me,” Tuti willed his voice to remain steady as he started down the hall. “Were you asleep?”
“Not really.”
“What are you doing then?” Tuti asked as he entered the living room.
Takashi was sitting on the couch, still dressed, his head resting back on the cushions. A sliver of light fell across his face, and Tuti was surprised to find Takashi looking directly at him, his face unreadable. Tuti sat down next to him nervously.
“I don’t know,” Takashi said after a second, his voice quiet. “What are you doing?”
Tuti laughed. “I don’t know either.”
“Great.” And this time Tuti detected a small flicker of a smile in his eyes.
“Still angry?” Tuti asked, watching the man next to him cautiously.
Takashi paused, considering this, before he shook his head. “No.”
“Really?”
“Really.” And then Takashi smiled softly. “You?”
Tuti shook his head, feeling his head clear a little, as he watched the smile fade from Takashi’s face. There was something about being here, about the faint warmth he could feel on the side of his body closest to Takashi, even though they weren’t touching. He watched Takashi close his eyes.
“Yuuichi.”
Tuti shivered a little as he felt Takashi’s fingers lacing through his own; the movement of his arm had been so subtle that Tuti hadn’t noticed until he felt the soft skin touch his own. Takashi’s hand was warm, and the edge of his shirt brushed against Tuti’s wrist as he moved his fingers against the side of Tuti’s hand softly.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” Takashi told him after a long moment. “I know I’m not always honest with you,” he said quietly. “It’s a bad habit.”
“I want you to be happy,” Tuti found himself saying softly.
Takashi blinked for a second and Tuti could feel the other man’s fingers clench a little tighter around his hand.
“I know.” Takashi said quietly. “I’m sorry.”
Tuti nodded, feeling his heart sink in his chest, even though he really had no idea what Takashi was apologizing for. But then he realized that Takashi had moved his hand. That he was standing up and moving away. Tuti could feel himself panicking a little. Because this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He watched as Takashi turned away from him for a second.
“Takashi, what-”
“I love you.”
Takashi’s voice had been clear and unwavering, but even so, Tuti honestly wasn’t sure if he had heard correctly. “What?” he asked reflexively, when he found his voice again.
Takashi was facing him now though, and Tuti felt his stomach flutter as the other man’s eyes focused on him. He wondered briefly why Takashi looked so scared, but before he knew it, Takashi was talking again.
“I’m sorry that I never told you. I don’t usually say things like that. But I wanted you to know, because I... I know I always make it seem like other things are more important, but...” Takashi paused. “You’re the most important thing. To me. In my life - it’s you. I couldn’t do any of this without you. And... And it’s really hard for me to understand. I don’t even think I want it to be true, but... It is. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t true. And I tried to distance myself, because I really don’t like feeling this way, but… I couldn’t. I can’t. I can’t imagine anything without you. I can’t make it go away. I...”
“Takashi-”
“No, no, you don’t have to say anything,” Takashi was saying quickly. “I’m sorry to dump all of this on you, but it’s been driving me crazy, and...”
“Takashi.” Tuti stood up, and took a step toward the other man.
“What?” Takashi blinked up at him.
“I think it’s okay.”
Takashi looked confused. “You think what’s okay?”
“Feeling like this. It’s okay.” Tuti paused. “I feel the same way.”
“Yeah, but…”
Tuti tilted his head and smiled. “But what?”
Takashi laughed. “I don’t know.”
Tuti was smiling a little bigger now. “It’s good, right?”
“Maybe…” Takashi pouted a little in the darkness, before he allowed himself to be lead to the couch.
They were silent for a moment, before Takashi sighed. “You know, you really hurt my feelings before.”
Tuti stared at his hands in front of him for a second. “You hurt my feelings too,” he admitted.
Tuti felt the couch sag a little, as he watched the other man shift, pulling his leg up and under him. His eyes flickered up to Tuti’s for a second before he stopped moving, focusing his gaze somewhere just past Tuti’s shoulder.
“There’s no one who knows me better than you,” Takashi said softly.
Tuti blinked. “I know that, but... Sometimes I just...” He tried to steady his voice. “I wonder if we were closer when we were just friends. Before all of this.” He watched Takashi blink slowly for a second before he continued. “I just... I feel like there’s still a lot I don’t know about you.”
“Maybe you’re not paying enough attention.”
“Maybe you’re used to people taking you at face value,” Tuti said quickly. “Maybe you’ve forgotten how much I care.”
Tuti was surprised to see Takashi move his hand to cover his eyes after a second.
“Takashi...”
“Stop it.” Takashi’s voice cracked a little, and he coughed. “Please. I said I was sorry.”
“I know, I-”
“I don’t want to argue anymore.” Takashi’s voice was shaking, as he moved towards Tuti. “Can’t we just...”
Tuti exhaled slowly a few moments later, his breath causing the hair on Takashi’s head to brush against his lips lightly. He took a deep breath, feeling the warm weight of the body next to him press against his chest firmly. After a moment Tuti closed his eyes, moving his arm over Takashi’s shoulder and down his back, letting his fingers come to rest on the curve of Takashi’s waist. He could feel just a touch of breath against his neck, and Tuti found himself wondering why everything suddenly seemed so calm and clear, as Takashi curled his toes against his, wrapping his ankles around Tuti’s legs until they were completely intertwined.
Tuti was always surprised by how well they fit together like this, especially on such a small couch, but… He had long since stopped questioning it. Because it always felt so wonderful it didn’t seem to matter. Takashi’s arm across his stomach, and the softness of his hair against Tuti’s cheek…
This was how it had started after all, so many months before, Tuti found himself thinking. Wanting this closeness. And then not being able to give it up. Not being able to go back. Because this was so perfect, there had been no question. And it was still perfect, Tuti realized. Better than perfect, it was… It was better than anything else he had ever experienced, or could really imagine experiencing.
He pressed his lips to Takashi’s forehead suddenly, and felt the other man move closer after a moment, mumbling something he couldn’t quite catch.
Takashi cleared his throat. “Thanks,” he said again, and his voice sounded tired. “For coming over here.” He paused. “I wasn’t sure if you would,” he finished softly, shifting a little, as he pressed a warm kiss to Tuti’s neck. “Thank you.”
Tuti found himself smiling a little. “I guess Eiji knows what he’s talking about sometimes.”
“He told you to come?”
“Mmm...” Tuti took a deep breath, feeling Takashi’s cheek move with his breath where it pressed against his chest, just below his collarbone. “I bet I would have anyway though,” he whispered.
**
They would stay there for a while, on the couch, until at some point, Takashi would move away. He’d disentangle their arms and legs, and he would stand up, staring down at Tuti for a second before he walked away. Towards the kitchen, or the bathroom, or sometimes just over to the window opposite the couch. After a few minutes he’d come back though, and he’d crouch down by the couch next to Tuti’s head. He’d brush his fingers against Tuti’s ear, or across his lips, just light enough so that the other man’s eyes would slide open. Takashi would smile, and after a few seconds, Tuti would follow him down the hall to the bedroom. They’d be awake just long enough to feel each other’s warmth for a moment, and then... It would be morning.
Tuti would be poking Takashi to get up as the alarm blared incessantly from across the room. Or he’d realize that Takashi was already in the shower and he’d slide over, always secretly pleased to find Takashi’s side of the bed still warm.
This is how it always happened, Tuti was thinking, and this would most likely be how it would happen tonight.
Takashi’s breath was already slowing.
The other man was exhausted; Tuti had noticed it earlier, and so he knew it wouldn’t be long. If he matched his breath to Takashi’s he would be asleep soon too, and... Despite the fact that there were things that he’d meant to say tonight and hadn’t, things that he wondered if he would ever have the courage to say, if he didn’t say them right now - this was exactly what he wanted. This was always exactly what he wanted. Because it was Takashi, and because it seemed wrong to want anything other than this, and it had for a long time.
Tuti closed and opened his eyes for what felt like the millionth time, knowing that he must be exhausted too, because his thoughts didn’t seem to be making much sense anymore.
When he closed his eyes again though, after a few moments, he knew he had decided. He was keeping them closed.
For a while, anyway.
***
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: Work-safe, kind of angsty.
Rating: PG
Summary: Tuti wonders if Nagayan is slipping away.
Disclaimer: This did not happen, and I do not own the song Waltz (Better Than Fine), by Fiona Apple.
Notes: I've been thinking a lot about Nagayan lately, and about why he doesn't seem to want to share things with us (via the public blog) anymore. And this is what happened. ^_~ I hope you enjoy it, and as always, comments are greatly appreciated. ^_^
Edit: Ah! I forgot to thank Liz! *ahem* Many thanks to lizstarsky for giving me feedback and convincing me that this was ok to post, etc. And for listening to my title angst. *nodnod* :D
Tuti stared into his empty glass for a moment. “Well, you do it on purpose, right?” he asked, his voice calm, though the question was clearly a challenge.
“What do you mean?” Takashi lowered his eyes and blinked through the hazy, smoke-filled air. He wondered, briefly, if this was going to turn into an argument.
“The mystery. It’s part of who you are. Never saying what you think, right?” Tuti took a long drag on his cigarette before squashing it into the ashtray in front of Takashi.
Takashi frowned, because of the cigarette, but also because he suddenly felt insulted, though he really wasn’t sure why. “Tuti, what are you talking about?” He fixed the other man with a serious look. “I say what I think all the time.”
Tuti watched him, smirking a little. “Do you?”
“Yeah, I do. All the time.” Takashi frowned again, and then sighed. “It’s not my fault if you’ve stopped listening to me,” he finished, his tone a little harsher than he’d intended it to be.
Tuti just smiled though. “Takashi, we’ve been together for six months and I think this is the most honest you’ve ever been with me.”
Takashi blinked, wondering why he didn’t have anything to say to that. He was suddenly reminded of a particularly scathing accusation from his last girlfriend. Hiding. Well, maybe, but…
“Don’t you think that’s a problem?” Tuti eyes were dark now, searching. “I don’t know what you want. I don’t know what you think about anything, or how you feel about anything.”
“What are you trying to say?” Takashi asked quickly, his defenses rising up around him. “You should get to the point. Because I don’t have time for this,” he finished coldly.
Tuti’s eyes flashed with anger before he sighed, loudly and deliberately. “It always comes back to that, doesn’t it?”
“To what?”
“You. Your life. Your obligations. You.”
“Yeah, you know what, it does.” Takashi stared at the man across the table. He had no idea what they were even arguing about right now. But he was mad. And he found that he suddenly wanted to get as far away from Tuti as possible. “And that’s what I want. I told you that a long time ago.”
Tuti had clearly ignored this last comment, and was looking past Takashi, offering a somewhat fake smile over his shoulder. It seemed the other members of their party were arriving.
**
Moriyama and Daiki looked from Tuti to Takashi, as they approached the table. To Tuti’s surprise though, Takashi was already standing, and pulling on his coat a little too quickly, while at the same time flashing a surprisingly convincing smile to everyone in the vicinity.
“Don’t worry, there’s plenty of room,” Takashi joked. “I was just leaving.”
Moriyama glanced at Takashi and then across to Tuti, looking confused. “Oh, I thought…”
Takashi was grinning now, and Tuti felt his chest tighten a little.
“Didn’t Tuti tell you? I have somewhere to be tonight.” Takashi’s eyes flickered dangerously. “Obligations,” he said and sighed, fixing his eyes on Tuti. “That’s what it always comes back to.”
After an awkward silence, Tuti started to stand, more out of habit than because he had any real reason to follow Takashi.
“No.” Takashi said the word firmly, and Tuti found himself sinking back into his chair.
A second later though, Takashi had transformed himself again, and any trace of emotion he had just shown was notably absent. He exchanged smooth words of departure with everyone, and began to make his way towards the door. Within a minute, he was gone.
**
Tuti was silent for a long moment after Takashi left, before he looked up at his friend across the table. He knitted his brow together in confusion after a second as he eyed the empty seat next to Moriyama. “Where’s Daiki?”
“Bathroom,” Eiji told him. “He’ll be back in a minute.”
“Ah…” Tuti found he really had nothing more to say, and instead he reached into his pocket for his cigarettes and lighter, placing them on the table. His hands were shaking, though he wasn’t really surprised, and he drew the lighter up slowly.
“What’s going on?” Eiji asked, allowing his friend a few long drags on his cigarette before he probed a little further. “He was obviously upset. What happened?”
“Nothing.” Tuti laughed, and stared across the table, his face falling after a second. “Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. I try to talk to him, and… Nothing.”
“What were you trying to talk to him about?”
Tuti sighed, fiddling with the lighter in his hands before returning it to the table. “I don’t really know. Maybe that’s the problem.”
Eiji laughed, raising his eyebrows. “Maybe.”
“It’s just… I feel like something’s wrong. But he won’t talk to me about it.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s…” Tuti swallowed, trying to find the right words. “I feel like he’s slipping away. Or maybe he was never there. I don’t know anymore.” The ash on his cigarette was getting dangerously long, but Tuti had long since stopped noticing. “I don’t think he’s happy,” he said, and immediately wished he could take it back.
“Really?”
Tuti nodded, wondering why admitting this had to hurt so much. “I’ve thought it for a long time.”
A few moments of silence passed. Tuti glanced down at his cigarette and slowly squashed it into the ashtray in front of him. Because Takashi wasn’t there, he lit up another immediately, and this action provided him a strange kind of pleasure.
“Well, maybe you should just ask him,” Moriyama offered. He raised his glass to his lips and took a long swallow, studying Tuti.
“I don’t know how to ask him. And I don’t want to.” Tuti laughed, shifting in the chair uncomfortably. “Maybe I don’t want to know.”
Moriyama took another long swallow before he rested his elbows on the table, meeting Tuti’s eyes. “Look, Takashi isn’t stupid. He’s aware of the risks involved in being with you. I’m sure that if he wasn’t happy, he wouldn’t be wasting his time anymore. He would tell you, don’t you think?”
“I don’t know.” Tuti frowned. “I don’t think he would.”
“You think he’d just wait for you to leave him?” Eiji sighed. “I don’t think he’s that kind of person. You know him better than I do, but…”
“I don’t!” Tuti’s voice was louder than he’d meant it to be. “That’s the problem. There are so many things I don’t know about him. And he doesn’t talk to me anymore. We used to be so close, but… I don’t know what happened.”
Moriyama stared at his friend for a second before shaking his head. “Well, if that’s the problem, then it sounds like the answer is simple.”
“What?” Tuti blinked, and raised his cigarette to his lips.
“Go find him, apologize, maybe throw in some make-up sex for fun, and then just talk to him.” Eiji winked before his face turned serious again. “Ask him what you want to know.”
Tuti sighed, and then frowned. “I wish it were that easy.”
Moriyama shrugged. “Maybe it is? Why don’t you find out?”
Tuti stared at his friend for a second, wondering why all the sudden he found himself thinking that this line of reasoning actually made sense.
“It couldn’t hurt, right?”
For some reason, despite the fact that part of him absolutely sure his friend was dead wrong about this, he found that he somehow wanted to believe him.
“Fine, you win.” Tuti sighed, and then forced a smile. “I think you’re wrong, but…”
“But nothing.” Eiji smiled. “The point is that you need to stop thinking and do something about it, right?”
They were quiet, as Tuti finished his cigarette. As he moved his hand away from the ashtray, he realized that somewhere in the past few minutes he’d made a decision.
“Tell Daiki we’ll take a rain check, ok?” he told his friend as he stood up, reaching for his coat and bag.
**
Takashi’s apartment was dark inside as Tuti approached the doorway. He fumbled a little with his key in the door, cursing under his breath, and then stepped inside. He kicked off his shoes, and blinked several times into the darkness. After his eyes adjusted a few seconds later, Tuti’s glance came to rest on a second set of shoes in the entryway, and he found that he was somewhat relieved. Part of him had been afraid, he guessed, that Takashi wouldn’t be inside, that he had gone somewhere else after leaving the bar. Tuti wondered absently how long he would have wandered the streets of this neighborhood until he found Takashi, if that had been the case.
He was trying to decide what to do, if he should wake Takashi up or just leave this for tomorrow, when he heard a soft rustling coming from the living room.
“Tuti?”
Tuti blinked slowly, knowing there was no real reason to be surprised. Because after all, there was just something about Takashi’s voice sometimes that did this to him. Made his insides turn warm and his mind go blank when he least expected it.
“Yeah, it’s me,” Tuti willed his voice to remain steady as he started down the hall. “Were you asleep?”
“Not really.”
“What are you doing then?” Tuti asked as he entered the living room.
Takashi was sitting on the couch, still dressed, his head resting back on the cushions. A sliver of light fell across his face, and Tuti was surprised to find Takashi looking directly at him, his face unreadable. Tuti sat down next to him nervously.
“I don’t know,” Takashi said after a second, his voice quiet. “What are you doing?”
Tuti laughed. “I don’t know either.”
“Great.” And this time Tuti detected a small flicker of a smile in his eyes.
“Still angry?” Tuti asked, watching the man next to him cautiously.
Takashi paused, considering this, before he shook his head. “No.”
“Really?”
“Really.” And then Takashi smiled softly. “You?”
Tuti shook his head, feeling his head clear a little, as he watched the smile fade from Takashi’s face. There was something about being here, about the faint warmth he could feel on the side of his body closest to Takashi, even though they weren’t touching. He watched Takashi close his eyes.
“Yuuichi.”
Tuti shivered a little as he felt Takashi’s fingers lacing through his own; the movement of his arm had been so subtle that Tuti hadn’t noticed until he felt the soft skin touch his own. Takashi’s hand was warm, and the edge of his shirt brushed against Tuti’s wrist as he moved his fingers against the side of Tuti’s hand softly.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” Takashi told him after a long moment. “I know I’m not always honest with you,” he said quietly. “It’s a bad habit.”
“I want you to be happy,” Tuti found himself saying softly.
Takashi blinked for a second and Tuti could feel the other man’s fingers clench a little tighter around his hand.
“I know.” Takashi said quietly. “I’m sorry.”
Tuti nodded, feeling his heart sink in his chest, even though he really had no idea what Takashi was apologizing for. But then he realized that Takashi had moved his hand. That he was standing up and moving away. Tuti could feel himself panicking a little. Because this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He watched as Takashi turned away from him for a second.
“Takashi, what-”
“I love you.”
Takashi’s voice had been clear and unwavering, but even so, Tuti honestly wasn’t sure if he had heard correctly. “What?” he asked reflexively, when he found his voice again.
Takashi was facing him now though, and Tuti felt his stomach flutter as the other man’s eyes focused on him. He wondered briefly why Takashi looked so scared, but before he knew it, Takashi was talking again.
“I’m sorry that I never told you. I don’t usually say things like that. But I wanted you to know, because I... I know I always make it seem like other things are more important, but...” Takashi paused. “You’re the most important thing. To me. In my life - it’s you. I couldn’t do any of this without you. And... And it’s really hard for me to understand. I don’t even think I want it to be true, but... It is. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t true. And I tried to distance myself, because I really don’t like feeling this way, but… I couldn’t. I can’t. I can’t imagine anything without you. I can’t make it go away. I...”
“Takashi-”
“No, no, you don’t have to say anything,” Takashi was saying quickly. “I’m sorry to dump all of this on you, but it’s been driving me crazy, and...”
“Takashi.” Tuti stood up, and took a step toward the other man.
“What?” Takashi blinked up at him.
“I think it’s okay.”
Takashi looked confused. “You think what’s okay?”
“Feeling like this. It’s okay.” Tuti paused. “I feel the same way.”
“Yeah, but…”
Tuti tilted his head and smiled. “But what?”
Takashi laughed. “I don’t know.”
Tuti was smiling a little bigger now. “It’s good, right?”
“Maybe…” Takashi pouted a little in the darkness, before he allowed himself to be lead to the couch.
They were silent for a moment, before Takashi sighed. “You know, you really hurt my feelings before.”
Tuti stared at his hands in front of him for a second. “You hurt my feelings too,” he admitted.
Tuti felt the couch sag a little, as he watched the other man shift, pulling his leg up and under him. His eyes flickered up to Tuti’s for a second before he stopped moving, focusing his gaze somewhere just past Tuti’s shoulder.
“There’s no one who knows me better than you,” Takashi said softly.
Tuti blinked. “I know that, but... Sometimes I just...” He tried to steady his voice. “I wonder if we were closer when we were just friends. Before all of this.” He watched Takashi blink slowly for a second before he continued. “I just... I feel like there’s still a lot I don’t know about you.”
“Maybe you’re not paying enough attention.”
“Maybe you’re used to people taking you at face value,” Tuti said quickly. “Maybe you’ve forgotten how much I care.”
Tuti was surprised to see Takashi move his hand to cover his eyes after a second.
“Takashi...”
“Stop it.” Takashi’s voice cracked a little, and he coughed. “Please. I said I was sorry.”
“I know, I-”
“I don’t want to argue anymore.” Takashi’s voice was shaking, as he moved towards Tuti. “Can’t we just...”
Tuti exhaled slowly a few moments later, his breath causing the hair on Takashi’s head to brush against his lips lightly. He took a deep breath, feeling the warm weight of the body next to him press against his chest firmly. After a moment Tuti closed his eyes, moving his arm over Takashi’s shoulder and down his back, letting his fingers come to rest on the curve of Takashi’s waist. He could feel just a touch of breath against his neck, and Tuti found himself wondering why everything suddenly seemed so calm and clear, as Takashi curled his toes against his, wrapping his ankles around Tuti’s legs until they were completely intertwined.
Tuti was always surprised by how well they fit together like this, especially on such a small couch, but… He had long since stopped questioning it. Because it always felt so wonderful it didn’t seem to matter. Takashi’s arm across his stomach, and the softness of his hair against Tuti’s cheek…
This was how it had started after all, so many months before, Tuti found himself thinking. Wanting this closeness. And then not being able to give it up. Not being able to go back. Because this was so perfect, there had been no question. And it was still perfect, Tuti realized. Better than perfect, it was… It was better than anything else he had ever experienced, or could really imagine experiencing.
He pressed his lips to Takashi’s forehead suddenly, and felt the other man move closer after a moment, mumbling something he couldn’t quite catch.
Takashi cleared his throat. “Thanks,” he said again, and his voice sounded tired. “For coming over here.” He paused. “I wasn’t sure if you would,” he finished softly, shifting a little, as he pressed a warm kiss to Tuti’s neck. “Thank you.”
Tuti found himself smiling a little. “I guess Eiji knows what he’s talking about sometimes.”
“He told you to come?”
“Mmm...” Tuti took a deep breath, feeling Takashi’s cheek move with his breath where it pressed against his chest, just below his collarbone. “I bet I would have anyway though,” he whispered.
**
They would stay there for a while, on the couch, until at some point, Takashi would move away. He’d disentangle their arms and legs, and he would stand up, staring down at Tuti for a second before he walked away. Towards the kitchen, or the bathroom, or sometimes just over to the window opposite the couch. After a few minutes he’d come back though, and he’d crouch down by the couch next to Tuti’s head. He’d brush his fingers against Tuti’s ear, or across his lips, just light enough so that the other man’s eyes would slide open. Takashi would smile, and after a few seconds, Tuti would follow him down the hall to the bedroom. They’d be awake just long enough to feel each other’s warmth for a moment, and then... It would be morning.
Tuti would be poking Takashi to get up as the alarm blared incessantly from across the room. Or he’d realize that Takashi was already in the shower and he’d slide over, always secretly pleased to find Takashi’s side of the bed still warm.
This is how it always happened, Tuti was thinking, and this would most likely be how it would happen tonight.
Takashi’s breath was already slowing.
The other man was exhausted; Tuti had noticed it earlier, and so he knew it wouldn’t be long. If he matched his breath to Takashi’s he would be asleep soon too, and... Despite the fact that there were things that he’d meant to say tonight and hadn’t, things that he wondered if he would ever have the courage to say, if he didn’t say them right now - this was exactly what he wanted. This was always exactly what he wanted. Because it was Takashi, and because it seemed wrong to want anything other than this, and it had for a long time.
Tuti closed and opened his eyes for what felt like the millionth time, knowing that he must be exhausted too, because his thoughts didn’t seem to be making much sense anymore.
When he closed his eyes again though, after a few moments, he knew he had decided. He was keeping them closed.
For a while, anyway.
***