][ThE sToRy Of yOu & Me][

[tw1sted_dreams]

Do you remember the summer we met?
I do.
I was staying with my aunt in the hotel your father owned. You spotted me laying by the pool, my waist length blonde hair fanned out around me, my flat stomach bare, my tight dark blue jean shorts hugging my ass perfectly, leaving very little to the imagination. My breasts were small but firm and high, and

Comments

[na1323]

Hi. Merci for the add. I'll add you as a friend. awww. Anypee, I see you're into poetry. I think you'd like Charles Bukowsky, in case you haven't read him yet here's a link to his version of poetry : http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/8-count/.

As for your piece, it's good. bloody and sad. it's a little too long though. Not sure if you wanted to make it into a prose or if this is indeed flash fiction, but it just seem more in the poetry category to me. Anypee, I think you can shorten it, make it more dramatic and less...cliche (ocean blue eyes) Hope I don't sound mean, cause I don't want to come off that way. Just edit the piece a little more and you got yourself a Romeo and Juliet style poem.

let me know if there's anyway that I can help.

[tw1sted_dreams]

Honestly, I'm not real sure what it's supposed to be, I just sat down and started typing one day and this is what I ended up with. I didn't actually mean for it to be cliche, but I can see where at times it becomes cliche. I'll definitely take your advice though and work on it some.

And no worries, you don't sound mean. I appreciate the criticism, that's why I posted it, so I could get some helpful criticism. I'm trying to get published so I'm searching for all the feedback I can get so that I can make my writing better.

The best way you can help is by offering whatever helpful tips and suggestions you can.

Thanx so much for your feedback. ♥