OSCAR PREDICTIONS
Yes, my lovelies, it's that time of year.
The Oscars are this Sunday. Snarky, snark time. I LURVE IT. I love how I like/hate Hollyweird all at the same time. One day I will be done with it and toss it out the window on its ass.
Until then,
Major Categories only, dearies. I mean, seriously, Art Direction. Do you know who the nominees are? and does anyone care? Besides Art Directors? (well, I do, but I'm weird)
Adapted Screenplay
Atonement
Away from Her
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
No Country for Old Men
There Will be Blood
This one will be a tie, I think. Either the Academy can go internationale and choose Julian Schabel's French experimental film or it will pick the two main, Titanic-like films with very famous casts, lots of buzz, and one of these is from a novel by Cormac McCarthy, the author everyone loves masturbating to as they praise his name.
I can leave him. And the Jewish contingent (i.e., TL- 150) more or less agreed that No Country was the worst movie we had all seen. Drunk or Sober. Therefore, I think the Oscar will go for Blood because of PT Anderson's ability to take something in American history that's been done before (Giant, anyone?) and make it relevant again, and just as grand. And the novel is kinda dry.
However, I could be wrong and the Academy could all be getting off on the thought of honoring McCarthy even tho he didn't write the screenplay. I hate his books. So, I go for Blood, altho Diving Bell could be the Gods and Monsters like upset.
Original Screenplay
Juno
Lars and the Real Girl
Michael Clayton
Ratotuille
The Savages
Hmmm. Tough one. Well, Pixar won't get it. The Academy STILL frowns upon animation. Also, a rat. in a kitchen. Unless HOPE seizes the Academy and they give it to the little rat that could. Now, will they go political or not? If so, then Michael Clayton will take home the prize. However, since I am doubting Juno will take Top Prize, I think Diablo Cody will take home best original screenplay. All the fuss about Diablo Cody's past as a stripper and all the focus on Juno's dilalogue and over the top language (honest to Blog?)more or less cinches this award.
However, the dark horse for this race is Lars. What a beautiful and stunning film. If Lars takes the award, I will clap and eat my own cooking for once.
That's hardly a sacrifice.
Ok, I'll eat your cooking for once.
Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett in I’m Not There
Ruby Dee in American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan in Atonement
Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton in Michael Clayton
Ridley Scott is so 1999. So not American Gangster. Even if Ruby Dee is 80 years old. Supporting Actress, I suppose I should note, is always the weirdest category. No one ever knows who's gonna get it and everyone is always surprised. The Vegas odds on Blanchett are even. Considering that Blanchett's performance is the only thing that saved I'm not there from sinking like a stone, I wouldn't be surprised. She was incredible. But, honestly, when isn't she? She was good even in that crap Elizabeth: The Golden Age. She's almost too good. Awarding her is like pointing out Billy got an A on his spelling test again.
Now, Tilda Swinton. Cool, dark horse. Her Vegas odds are the same, too. Hmmm. Here's how I think it will go. Blanchett will cancel out Blanchett (altho didn't DiCaprio win last year? No?). Amy Ryan was amazing but everyone's forgotten Gone Baby Gone. Atonement is only for formality, Scott's films are out, leaving Swinton to swoop in and steal the award.
Supporting Actor
Casey Affleck in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman in Charlie Wilson’s War
Hal Holbrook in Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson in Michael Clayton
Bardem or Holbrook are the two real contestants for this award and really, if Peter O'Toole can't get the old man sympathy vote, who the hell can? Then again, Holbrook is a Mark Twain impersonator and who doesn't love Twain? (Seriously, who doesn't? Let's have a talk. Outside. Right now) No, the award will go to Bardem.
Secretly, I'm pulling for Holbrook. He's a smart man and very nice. I met him once. Lovely chap. Oh, and Affleck has the Affleck name holding him back and no one saw that movie anyways. PSH won 2 years ago so he's gonna have to wait and Wilkinson has won so many awards and he basically played the same role time twice this year in different films, so we are bored with him. Bardem. Hands down. Also, wasn't Bardem screwed over for The Sea Inside? I think so...
Best Actress
Cate Blanchett in Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie in Away from Her
Marion Cotillard in La Vie en Rose
Laura Linney in The Savages
Ellen Page in Juno
Page is too young. Again, like how Winslet can't win. And comedies never win. Ever. Laura Linney is too drab in her role and no one wants a Jodie Foster redux. Blanchett cancels out Blanchett so she's out. Cotillard won the Golden Globe, usually a good indicator. Also, look at the last winners of the best actor and actress categories. Eric Brockovich. Capote. More than I can remember. The Academy LURVES biopics and loves to award those in them. Cotillard won a damn BAFTA, for christ's sake. Who wins BAFTAs? Actresses. You know, ones that can actually act. Or write. Dear Helen Cresswell, how we miss thee.
So, in order to keep up with our British brethren, we will give it to her as well, and from my understanding, her performance deserves it. Also, her fans are like Obamaniacs so if they don't give it to her, her fans will prolly tear down the Kodak's walls.
Best Actor
George Clooney in Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp in Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones in In the Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen in Eastern Promises
Johnny Depp can't get it; he weirds out the Academy and plus, considering the movie, it'd be like giving an Oscar to capt. Jack. So, no. Also, I think the Academy hates musicals and Sondheim. Clooney should consider the nomination the award in itself. The Academy might be inclined to give it to him as sort of a good service award but really in that movie, George Clooney played George Clooney. Kinda like Jack Nicholson.
uh oh. not a good path to be on, George.
Tommy Lee Jones. No. Last year, the Academy was all anti-war and besides, this year, anti-war is so blase. It's all about being green. And less Biblical. So, sorry Jones. You are in the wrong camp. Same goes for Mortensen.
So really, Daniel Day-Lewis. Who is hot. Who was in Last of the Mohicans as Natty Bumppo, America's sexiest frontiersman (well, Uncas too, but he's Native American and a prince!) Plus, he is half-naked in Last of the Mohicans. And that's a soundtrack to have sex to. And he's FUCKING AMAZING in There will be blood.
INCROYABLE.
YES.
Lewis. If not, I will tear down the Kodak's mother-effing walls.
Best Director
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Julian Schnabel
Juno, Jason Reitman
Michael Clayton, Tony Gilroy
No Country for Old Men, Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
There Will Be Blood, Paul Thomas Anderson
Everyone loves the Coen bros.
Unless this is the year we decide not to love and reify everything they do. In that case, expect Anderson to take the trophy home. Except he's young. Really young. And I'm pretty sure he freaked the Academy out with the frog scene in Magnolia.
Coen Bros.
Best Picture
Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood
See reasoning for Best Director.
And comedies never, ever win.
Also, the Academy will, again, be into salivating over Cormac McCarthy. Vomit.
And, again, every Jew I know said that they HATED that movie.
So, if it doesn't win, Jews do control Hollywood.
If it does, Steven Spielberg, you are a traitor to your people.
The Oscars are this Sunday. Snarky, snark time. I LURVE IT. I love how I like/hate Hollyweird all at the same time. One day I will be done with it and toss it out the window on its ass.
Until then,
Major Categories only, dearies. I mean, seriously, Art Direction. Do you know who the nominees are? and does anyone care? Besides Art Directors? (well, I do, but I'm weird)
Adapted Screenplay
Atonement
Away from Her
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
No Country for Old Men
There Will be Blood
This one will be a tie, I think. Either the Academy can go internationale and choose Julian Schabel's French experimental film or it will pick the two main, Titanic-like films with very famous casts, lots of buzz, and one of these is from a novel by Cormac McCarthy, the author everyone loves masturbating to as they praise his name.
I can leave him. And the Jewish contingent (i.e., TL- 150) more or less agreed that No Country was the worst movie we had all seen. Drunk or Sober. Therefore, I think the Oscar will go for Blood because of PT Anderson's ability to take something in American history that's been done before (Giant, anyone?) and make it relevant again, and just as grand. And the novel is kinda dry.
However, I could be wrong and the Academy could all be getting off on the thought of honoring McCarthy even tho he didn't write the screenplay. I hate his books. So, I go for Blood, altho Diving Bell could be the Gods and Monsters like upset.
Original Screenplay
Juno
Lars and the Real Girl
Michael Clayton
Ratotuille
The Savages
Hmmm. Tough one. Well, Pixar won't get it. The Academy STILL frowns upon animation. Also, a rat. in a kitchen. Unless HOPE seizes the Academy and they give it to the little rat that could. Now, will they go political or not? If so, then Michael Clayton will take home the prize. However, since I am doubting Juno will take Top Prize, I think Diablo Cody will take home best original screenplay. All the fuss about Diablo Cody's past as a stripper and all the focus on Juno's dilalogue and over the top language (honest to Blog?)more or less cinches this award.
However, the dark horse for this race is Lars. What a beautiful and stunning film. If Lars takes the award, I will clap and eat my own cooking for once.
That's hardly a sacrifice.
Ok, I'll eat your cooking for once.
Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett in I’m Not There
Ruby Dee in American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan in Atonement
Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton in Michael Clayton
Ridley Scott is so 1999. So not American Gangster. Even if Ruby Dee is 80 years old. Supporting Actress, I suppose I should note, is always the weirdest category. No one ever knows who's gonna get it and everyone is always surprised. The Vegas odds on Blanchett are even. Considering that Blanchett's performance is the only thing that saved I'm not there from sinking like a stone, I wouldn't be surprised. She was incredible. But, honestly, when isn't she? She was good even in that crap Elizabeth: The Golden Age. She's almost too good. Awarding her is like pointing out Billy got an A on his spelling test again.
Now, Tilda Swinton. Cool, dark horse. Her Vegas odds are the same, too. Hmmm. Here's how I think it will go. Blanchett will cancel out Blanchett (altho didn't DiCaprio win last year? No?). Amy Ryan was amazing but everyone's forgotten Gone Baby Gone. Atonement is only for formality, Scott's films are out, leaving Swinton to swoop in and steal the award.
Supporting Actor
Casey Affleck in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman in Charlie Wilson’s War
Hal Holbrook in Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson in Michael Clayton
Bardem or Holbrook are the two real contestants for this award and really, if Peter O'Toole can't get the old man sympathy vote, who the hell can? Then again, Holbrook is a Mark Twain impersonator and who doesn't love Twain? (Seriously, who doesn't? Let's have a talk. Outside. Right now) No, the award will go to Bardem.
Secretly, I'm pulling for Holbrook. He's a smart man and very nice. I met him once. Lovely chap. Oh, and Affleck has the Affleck name holding him back and no one saw that movie anyways. PSH won 2 years ago so he's gonna have to wait and Wilkinson has won so many awards and he basically played the same role time twice this year in different films, so we are bored with him. Bardem. Hands down. Also, wasn't Bardem screwed over for The Sea Inside? I think so...
Best Actress
Cate Blanchett in Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie in Away from Her
Marion Cotillard in La Vie en Rose
Laura Linney in The Savages
Ellen Page in Juno
Page is too young. Again, like how Winslet can't win. And comedies never win. Ever. Laura Linney is too drab in her role and no one wants a Jodie Foster redux. Blanchett cancels out Blanchett so she's out. Cotillard won the Golden Globe, usually a good indicator. Also, look at the last winners of the best actor and actress categories. Eric Brockovich. Capote. More than I can remember. The Academy LURVES biopics and loves to award those in them. Cotillard won a damn BAFTA, for christ's sake. Who wins BAFTAs? Actresses. You know, ones that can actually act. Or write. Dear Helen Cresswell, how we miss thee.
So, in order to keep up with our British brethren, we will give it to her as well, and from my understanding, her performance deserves it. Also, her fans are like Obamaniacs so if they don't give it to her, her fans will prolly tear down the Kodak's walls.
Best Actor
George Clooney in Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp in Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones in In the Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen in Eastern Promises
Johnny Depp can't get it; he weirds out the Academy and plus, considering the movie, it'd be like giving an Oscar to capt. Jack. So, no. Also, I think the Academy hates musicals and Sondheim. Clooney should consider the nomination the award in itself. The Academy might be inclined to give it to him as sort of a good service award but really in that movie, George Clooney played George Clooney. Kinda like Jack Nicholson.
uh oh. not a good path to be on, George.
Tommy Lee Jones. No. Last year, the Academy was all anti-war and besides, this year, anti-war is so blase. It's all about being green. And less Biblical. So, sorry Jones. You are in the wrong camp. Same goes for Mortensen.
So really, Daniel Day-Lewis. Who is hot. Who was in Last of the Mohicans as Natty Bumppo, America's sexiest frontiersman (well, Uncas too, but he's Native American and a prince!) Plus, he is half-naked in Last of the Mohicans. And that's a soundtrack to have sex to. And he's FUCKING AMAZING in There will be blood.
INCROYABLE.
YES.
Lewis. If not, I will tear down the Kodak's mother-effing walls.
Best Director
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Julian Schnabel
Juno, Jason Reitman
Michael Clayton, Tony Gilroy
No Country for Old Men, Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
There Will Be Blood, Paul Thomas Anderson
Everyone loves the Coen bros.
Unless this is the year we decide not to love and reify everything they do. In that case, expect Anderson to take the trophy home. Except he's young. Really young. And I'm pretty sure he freaked the Academy out with the frog scene in Magnolia.
Coen Bros.
Best Picture
Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood
See reasoning for Best Director.
And comedies never, ever win.
Also, the Academy will, again, be into salivating over Cormac McCarthy. Vomit.
And, again, every Jew I know said that they HATED that movie.
So, if it doesn't win, Jews do control Hollywood.
If it does, Steven Spielberg, you are a traitor to your people.