results
i don't know if i should just fucking kill myself or be happy about my results..can't really say that they have been excellent..can't say that they have been horrible either..but compared to the rest in my class, i have a feeling i'm among the bottom few..i don't know whether i want to cry or not..it's like i know i got higher than most of the level..but that is EXPECTED of me..i'm scared to show my report card to my parents cuz' i don't want them to scold me..i know i did horribly..and i know that it's partly because i didn't study..but i did study ok?! i did! and i know people will ask me why i'm complaining when i got pretty high..but the fact is..it's not enough to reach my expectations of myself..not enough for the expectations of my parents or my teachers..even my ex-teachers..infact, especially my ex-teachers..i have a feeling my average class position is around 10..and that totally sucks..how the hell did i manage to drop from 2nd to 10th?! the fact is..i KNOW i can do better..not necessarily MUCH better..but just better..i KNOW that i could have at least raised my class position by 1 if i hadn't been so laidback and if i hadn't procrastinated so bloody much..the thing is..although i know my weak points..i'm still not willing to change..i blame it on my genes..i blame it on my will..everything but on my whole self..my attitude sucks like shit..wish i could change..i really wish i could..people were rejoicing in class today..whereas i just sat there..pretended to be happy..gave a few smiles and laughs..and then got so upset after looking at my friends' report cards (which were all MUCH BETTER than mine..) and grabbed a manga and ignored my surroundings..but somehow i couldn't manage to block out everything this time..so fucking disappointed with myself..i still managed to laugh and smile a lot during the class party didn't i? to tell the truth..i wasn't enjoying myself at all..the food tasted weird..to me at least..and i felt out of place..it's like i didn't belong at all..i was like the opposite of those who were there..how is someone supposed to fucking rejoice after getting back such a lousy report card? i didn't even manage to get an A1 average..gods..i really want to cry..but not in front of my family..i hate crying in front of them..they always make such a big deal out of it..cuz' they think i'm going to try and commit suicide again or something..i feel like it actually..not like i can..fuck...