Welcome to Wolfram and Hart
Fandom: ANGEL
Title: Welcome to Wolfram and Hart
Author: 50thousandtearz
Pairing/Character: none
Word Count: 960 words
Rating: PG
Summary: Make sure you always read the fine print before you sign up with Wolfram and Hart.
Spoilers/Warnings: none
Author's Note: Repost of an older fic.
Everyone over here, that’s right, clear the elevator doors. Gather round me. Well, isn’t it nice to see the next generation of Wolfram and Hart employees, all young and innocent and excited for work… I trust the trip here wasn’t too unsettling? Once you’re used to it, it’s quite interesting.
When did you sign your contracts? Yesterday? That’s wonderful, now you’re part of the family that makes up Wolfram and Hart. I’m here to give you a sort of tour and orientation to the company. Is everyone taking notes? Let’s get started.
Wolfram and Hart was started in the days before humans started to crawl over the earth, when the Old Ones still ruled. As you may or may not know, the company was not named after a Mr. Wolfram and a Mr. Hart. The wolf, ram and hart had prominent significance in the Old Days… Am I boring anyone? If I am, please let me know. I’ll be happy to make you deaf in one ear so you’ll appreciate the ability to listen to boring speeches.
Just to pause in my introduction, this is May. She’s the main secretary for the company, the first person you see when you enter through the secondary entrance. Quite a prestigious job for someone so young. Wolfram and Hart has helped her rise to a position that would usually be denied to a person like her. You’ve only had good times at this company, isn’t that right, May?
Thank you for your time, May. Oh, I’ll be sending you that documentation for the Brady murder later. Thank you.
This way, please. See how well we treat our employees? Never a complaint.
What are you whispering about back there, Miss… I can’t read your nametag. Miss Carlton, one thing you need to learn is to share your ideas. Two heads are always better than one, especially when they’re on sale.
For your information, Miss Carlton, May was in a tragic accident and that’s how she lost her hand and badly disfigured her face. But here we don’t care about looks, just the person.
The blood? Tsk tsk, Miss Carlton, don’t let your imagination run away with you. The accident was years ago. Turn this corner here, please.
Now, back to my little history lesson, Wolfram and Hart was started many a millenium ago and slowly rose to power throughout the years despite the challenges it faced. It’s always been associated with a, shall we say, supernatural presence, but that’s just hearsay. We may deal with a stranger clientele, but we’re just the same as other companies.
And here we are at the heart of this firm’s division, where we have many prominent lawyers hard at work. That woman over there, Miss Morgan, is one of our most prominent lawyers these days, hardworking and diligent. Pity about the head though.
Let’s talk a little about the owners of this company. They’re known as the Senior Partners, and they usually don’t interfere with the workings of the company. They reside in another, shall we say, dimension. If you don’t get involved in a major scandal, you may be fortunate enough never to meet with them.
I was supposed to brief you on a few things you may have missed when signing the contract. There are a couple of clauses and rules you should know about; one of the most important ones is the standard perpetuity clause, otherwise crudely known as the ‘we-own-your-butt-for-eternity clause.’ It’s the butt of many jokes around here, pardon the pun.
Your firstborn child may be acceptable for sacrifices, they’ll have to be checked for blemishes, your spouse is eligible for most our insurance policies, and cults are not tolerated here. I think I’ve covered the most asked after and important clauses.
You’ve made a bit of a deal with the devil, as they say. What’s unexpected?
I’ve been working here for fifty years, young man. I used to be at a rival law firm, but I just couldn’t resist the package.
Speak up! I thought all the kids these days yelled.
I’ve been at this specific firm for most of those years. I was transferred here after a nasty argument with a violent client. This is the Hell Division, Mr.… McKinley?
Yes, Hell, there is such a place, even if you are an atheist. And we work here. Very good, I’m glad you understand.
On your left there is the entrance to our state of the art research laboratory. We have some very promising scientists there. I believe their latest project is developing a procedure to identify the remains of charred bodies, when there aren’t any dental remains, fingerprints or intact DNA.
Down that doorway is a dungeon. Literally. There have been times when some associates had a lack of obedience, and after an extended stay there, they were all more well behaved. The firm does not tolerate drinking, womanizing, back stabbing, negotiations with known enemies, or plain rudeness.
You might want to watch your back, or you’ll end up like a fellow I know in Accounting, with a knife sticking out of his ribs.
We have a lot of other facilities around here, but this tour is only half an hour long, so I’m afraid you won’t be seeing them. Lucky you.
And thus we conclude our tour here by the elevator again. It’ll take you back up to the land of the living. I haven’t been in that elevator for years, don’t remember the trip.
Why are you all so silent? Wasn’t the tour enlightening? You’ve all signed contracts to such a fine company. Guess you missed the fine print.
Bye, everyone. Maybe I’ll see one of you upstanding kids down here sometime. Oh, and I almost forgot. Welcome to Wolfram and Hart.
Title: Welcome to Wolfram and Hart
Author: 50thousandtearz
Pairing/Character: none
Word Count: 960 words
Rating: PG
Summary: Make sure you always read the fine print before you sign up with Wolfram and Hart.
Spoilers/Warnings: none
Author's Note: Repost of an older fic.
Everyone over here, that’s right, clear the elevator doors. Gather round me. Well, isn’t it nice to see the next generation of Wolfram and Hart employees, all young and innocent and excited for work… I trust the trip here wasn’t too unsettling? Once you’re used to it, it’s quite interesting.
When did you sign your contracts? Yesterday? That’s wonderful, now you’re part of the family that makes up Wolfram and Hart. I’m here to give you a sort of tour and orientation to the company. Is everyone taking notes? Let’s get started.
Wolfram and Hart was started in the days before humans started to crawl over the earth, when the Old Ones still ruled. As you may or may not know, the company was not named after a Mr. Wolfram and a Mr. Hart. The wolf, ram and hart had prominent significance in the Old Days… Am I boring anyone? If I am, please let me know. I’ll be happy to make you deaf in one ear so you’ll appreciate the ability to listen to boring speeches.
Just to pause in my introduction, this is May. She’s the main secretary for the company, the first person you see when you enter through the secondary entrance. Quite a prestigious job for someone so young. Wolfram and Hart has helped her rise to a position that would usually be denied to a person like her. You’ve only had good times at this company, isn’t that right, May?
Thank you for your time, May. Oh, I’ll be sending you that documentation for the Brady murder later. Thank you.
This way, please. See how well we treat our employees? Never a complaint.
What are you whispering about back there, Miss… I can’t read your nametag. Miss Carlton, one thing you need to learn is to share your ideas. Two heads are always better than one, especially when they’re on sale.
For your information, Miss Carlton, May was in a tragic accident and that’s how she lost her hand and badly disfigured her face. But here we don’t care about looks, just the person.
The blood? Tsk tsk, Miss Carlton, don’t let your imagination run away with you. The accident was years ago. Turn this corner here, please.
Now, back to my little history lesson, Wolfram and Hart was started many a millenium ago and slowly rose to power throughout the years despite the challenges it faced. It’s always been associated with a, shall we say, supernatural presence, but that’s just hearsay. We may deal with a stranger clientele, but we’re just the same as other companies.
And here we are at the heart of this firm’s division, where we have many prominent lawyers hard at work. That woman over there, Miss Morgan, is one of our most prominent lawyers these days, hardworking and diligent. Pity about the head though.
Let’s talk a little about the owners of this company. They’re known as the Senior Partners, and they usually don’t interfere with the workings of the company. They reside in another, shall we say, dimension. If you don’t get involved in a major scandal, you may be fortunate enough never to meet with them.
I was supposed to brief you on a few things you may have missed when signing the contract. There are a couple of clauses and rules you should know about; one of the most important ones is the standard perpetuity clause, otherwise crudely known as the ‘we-own-your-butt-for-eternity clause.’ It’s the butt of many jokes around here, pardon the pun.
Your firstborn child may be acceptable for sacrifices, they’ll have to be checked for blemishes, your spouse is eligible for most our insurance policies, and cults are not tolerated here. I think I’ve covered the most asked after and important clauses.
You’ve made a bit of a deal with the devil, as they say. What’s unexpected?
I’ve been working here for fifty years, young man. I used to be at a rival law firm, but I just couldn’t resist the package.
Speak up! I thought all the kids these days yelled.
I’ve been at this specific firm for most of those years. I was transferred here after a nasty argument with a violent client. This is the Hell Division, Mr.… McKinley?
Yes, Hell, there is such a place, even if you are an atheist. And we work here. Very good, I’m glad you understand.
On your left there is the entrance to our state of the art research laboratory. We have some very promising scientists there. I believe their latest project is developing a procedure to identify the remains of charred bodies, when there aren’t any dental remains, fingerprints or intact DNA.
Down that doorway is a dungeon. Literally. There have been times when some associates had a lack of obedience, and after an extended stay there, they were all more well behaved. The firm does not tolerate drinking, womanizing, back stabbing, negotiations with known enemies, or plain rudeness.
You might want to watch your back, or you’ll end up like a fellow I know in Accounting, with a knife sticking out of his ribs.
We have a lot of other facilities around here, but this tour is only half an hour long, so I’m afraid you won’t be seeing them. Lucky you.
And thus we conclude our tour here by the elevator again. It’ll take you back up to the land of the living. I haven’t been in that elevator for years, don’t remember the trip.
Why are you all so silent? Wasn’t the tour enlightening? You’ve all signed contracts to such a fine company. Guess you missed the fine print.
Bye, everyone. Maybe I’ll see one of you upstanding kids down here sometime. Oh, and I almost forgot. Welcome to Wolfram and Hart.