FF: Against Despairing Thoughts
Title: Against Despairing Thoughts
Author: Aerial312
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Alice/Jasper
Table/Prompt: Epsilon/Lies
Word Count: 1,626
Summary: Jasper's first day of school.
Timeline: Pre-Twlight, twenty-five years after they join the Cullens.
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I paused at the door and watched Jasper for a moment. He stood at the far end of our room, staring absently at the full length mirror I had installed on the outside of the closet door just days earlier, when we'd moved in. His jaw was set; the corners of his mouth turned downward. His arms hung stiffly at his sides, his hands balled up tightly.
Jasper sat on the bed, head between his knees, with his arms curled over the top, as Edward and I departed in the car. He rocked back and forth, wrinkling the trousers that he had so carefully pressed.
I needed to draw him out. Jasper hated the mirror. It brought out all the self-loathing and disgust that he felt for this body, feelings that I tried so desperately to quell. Usually, he avoided looking in the mirror if he could. Right now, he just stared deep into it.
I bounced into the room, landing fluidly at his side. "You look sharp," I smiled.
His expression didn't change.
"Do you like my dress?" I spun. The dress was red, and A-line, so the ends swirled around me.
He looked down, finally, and nodded. "I liked it yesterday too, the first time you asked me." His gaze returned to the mirror.
I sighed. He'd seen right through my attempts at levity. I leaned my head against his arm, taking his hand in mine. He squeezed it gently. We both stared into the mirror for a while. To look at us, we couldn't be more different, what with our foot and a half height difference; his honey-blonde hair and my jet black. But we fit together so perfectly.
Jasper took my hand immediately as we got out of the car in front of the school. He took one last breath, his forehead creasing in frustration. He swallowed hard, clearing his mouth of the excess venom. I squeezed his hand reassuringly and tugged him forward.
"You're sure I don’t need a tie?" Jasper actively studied his outfit in the mirror for a moment.
He was wearing a plaid shirt, and chinos. It looked average enough. The long sleeves might look odd on such a warm, humid day, but even that wasn't very out of place.
"I'm sure," I smiled. "Boys don't wear ties to school anymore. I don't think Edward's worn a tie to school in ten years."
Jasper nodded, almost imperceptibly. I couldn't tell what he was feeling. That could be a good thing. It meant that he wasn't too far gone into his worry yet. Despite his best efforts not to, Jasper projected when his despair got too strong.
Jasper clenched his eyes shut. He sunk to the hardwood floor, swiftly curling into a ball with his head between his knees. I bit my lip, and reached out toward him, my hand hovering over his shoulder.
"You should go to school, Alice," he sighed, not looking up. "You hate to be late."
I kissed the top of his head firmly, hesitating before doing as he told me to.
I looked up at him. "Come on, let's get out of here."
I pulled his hand as I started toward the door.
"Al-" he tugged me back to him, wrapping his arms tightly around me. He nuzzled into my hair, inhaling deeply. "I don't know if I can do this."
I raked the heel of my hand up and down his back. "I know you can, I've seen it."
I'd seen many outcomes. In some, he did an amazing job. In others…I clenched my eyes shut. Right now, he was so nervous and unsure that I could barely see anything.
"I know you saw it. I just…you haven't always seen it ending positively, right? Even after that one that made you really happy yesterday, there were ones that upset you."
His embrace got tighter and tighter as he went on. I remained silent.
"Alice, please…" his voice was barely a whisper. "Please tell me the truth."
"No," I sighed. "They're not all positive."
He slumped a little, even as I said the words he'd been expecting.
"You're so unsure right now that I can't see much beyond whether or not you make it out of our room. Even that keeps changing. We'll get through this one decision at a time. Together," I added.
Together was our mantra. It was how we got through everything. And at school, apart from homeroom, we'd be in class together all day. With Emmett and Rosalie away on an extended honeymoon in Paris, Edward, Jasper and I would all be entering the school as sophomores with identical schedules. I was grateful that Carlisle had suggested it when Jasper had hinted that maybe next time he might try school. He needed the encouragement, as well as the checks and balances, that both Edward and I would provide.
"I want to be able to do this," he sighed. "I really do…"
"I know," I murmured into his chest, continuing to rub circles on the soft cotton on his back.
"It's time I was able to this. You've been going to school for twenty-five years now!" More and more distress crept into his voice with each word. "Maybe I'm just meant to fail at everything."
"Jasper…"
He started to sink to the floor, but I locked my arm around him like a vice grip and wouldn't let him. It startled him just enough. He blinked, looking down at me for a moment before closing his eyes. I pulled back a little to look up at him, reaching out to cup his cheek with my hand.
"Please, look at me," I asked him softly.
Jasper tensed, but obliged, locking his golden eyes on mine. He leaned slightly into my touch.
"You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for."
He scoffed.
"You are. Your eyes are the same beautiful amber as mine. You haven't slipped in five years." My thumb traced semi-circles on his smooth cheek.
"I think about it all the time. All the time, Al. It isn't getting any easier," he admitted.
This I knew already, from Edward. I had seen signs from Jasper, but this was the first time he'd said it out loud.
"But you're getting better at it," I smiled.
"Do you really think so, or are you just saying that?"
"I really think so," I answered automatically.
"Sometimes I can't tell. You're always so hopeful." He kissed the top of my head.
"I want you to do well, to be happy…I have to keep up that hope. I don't like to lie to you."
He nodded. "But you do lie sometimes?"
His tone was even, free of accusation. He just wanted to know. I nodded, biting my lip for a moment before explaining. It made sense to me, but would it to him?
"If I see something bad, I always tell you. You know that. With the hope that by you knowing, you might make a decision that changes things."
He nodded for me to continue.
"And that works, a lot of the time. You can be very determined."
"I don't like to upset you," he answered simply.
I hugged him tightly. "Then there are times when the future is unclear, where I can't see if something's going to fall positive or negative for you."
"Like today."
"Like today. I always go for the positive," I smiled.
"You have more faith in me that I do in myself," he sighed.
"Haven't I always?"
He nodded. "I've always loved that hope."
I grinned. Telling me that had been one of the first times that he'd said out loud that he loved me, some 27 years ago.
I released Jasper's hand as we walked up the front stairs of the high school. I paused at the top, turning to face him.
"Twenty minutes. That's all you have to get through by yourself."
He nodded.
"Your homeroom is on the way to English. I'll meet you right outside the door."
He nodded again.
"You can do this. I love you."
In an uncharacteristic show of public affection, Jasper bent down and kissed the top of my head before walking down the hall.
"So, I don't lie, per se…" I qualified. "I err on the side of that hope."
He was silent for a minute, stroking the side of my bare arm.
We climbed out of the car and let Edward enter the house ahead of us. Jasper sat on the front steps, staring straight ahead. I came to stand a step below him, and pulled his head to my chest.
"Breathe," I smiled, running my fingers through his hair. "You did it."
Jasper pulled me down onto his lap, and pressed his lips to the top of my head, inhaling deeply. I wrapped my arms around his waist.
"That was hard," he sighed, after a moment. "Any time I had to speak in class…when I had to breathe."
"You did it though. I'm so proud of you. And hopefully," I emphasized the word, earning me a soft chuckle, "Hopefully, you will start to get used to it."
He nodded, tightening his embrace.
"You're happy," Jasper noted. "What did you see?"
I smiled up at him. "You make it through the whole day. We'll talk about it on the front steps later."
The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. I raised myself up on my tiptoes to kiss him gently.
"It's going to be hard for you, when you have to speak in class. But you manage. You get through it."
"Keep reminding you that," Jasper told me, taking my hand and leading me to the door.
"All day. I'll be there."
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"Hope is a lover's staff; walk hence with that and manage it against despairing thoughts", Two Gentlemen of Verona, 3.1
Author: Aerial312
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Alice/Jasper
Table/Prompt: Epsilon/Lies
Word Count: 1,626
Summary: Jasper's first day of school.
Timeline: Pre-Twlight, twenty-five years after they join the Cullens.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I paused at the door and watched Jasper for a moment. He stood at the far end of our room, staring absently at the full length mirror I had installed on the outside of the closet door just days earlier, when we'd moved in. His jaw was set; the corners of his mouth turned downward. His arms hung stiffly at his sides, his hands balled up tightly.
Jasper sat on the bed, head between his knees, with his arms curled over the top, as Edward and I departed in the car. He rocked back and forth, wrinkling the trousers that he had so carefully pressed.
I needed to draw him out. Jasper hated the mirror. It brought out all the self-loathing and disgust that he felt for this body, feelings that I tried so desperately to quell. Usually, he avoided looking in the mirror if he could. Right now, he just stared deep into it.
I bounced into the room, landing fluidly at his side. "You look sharp," I smiled.
His expression didn't change.
"Do you like my dress?" I spun. The dress was red, and A-line, so the ends swirled around me.
He looked down, finally, and nodded. "I liked it yesterday too, the first time you asked me." His gaze returned to the mirror.
I sighed. He'd seen right through my attempts at levity. I leaned my head against his arm, taking his hand in mine. He squeezed it gently. We both stared into the mirror for a while. To look at us, we couldn't be more different, what with our foot and a half height difference; his honey-blonde hair and my jet black. But we fit together so perfectly.
Jasper took my hand immediately as we got out of the car in front of the school. He took one last breath, his forehead creasing in frustration. He swallowed hard, clearing his mouth of the excess venom. I squeezed his hand reassuringly and tugged him forward.
"You're sure I don’t need a tie?" Jasper actively studied his outfit in the mirror for a moment.
He was wearing a plaid shirt, and chinos. It looked average enough. The long sleeves might look odd on such a warm, humid day, but even that wasn't very out of place.
"I'm sure," I smiled. "Boys don't wear ties to school anymore. I don't think Edward's worn a tie to school in ten years."
Jasper nodded, almost imperceptibly. I couldn't tell what he was feeling. That could be a good thing. It meant that he wasn't too far gone into his worry yet. Despite his best efforts not to, Jasper projected when his despair got too strong.
Jasper clenched his eyes shut. He sunk to the hardwood floor, swiftly curling into a ball with his head between his knees. I bit my lip, and reached out toward him, my hand hovering over his shoulder.
"You should go to school, Alice," he sighed, not looking up. "You hate to be late."
I kissed the top of his head firmly, hesitating before doing as he told me to.
I looked up at him. "Come on, let's get out of here."
I pulled his hand as I started toward the door.
"Al-" he tugged me back to him, wrapping his arms tightly around me. He nuzzled into my hair, inhaling deeply. "I don't know if I can do this."
I raked the heel of my hand up and down his back. "I know you can, I've seen it."
I'd seen many outcomes. In some, he did an amazing job. In others…I clenched my eyes shut. Right now, he was so nervous and unsure that I could barely see anything.
"I know you saw it. I just…you haven't always seen it ending positively, right? Even after that one that made you really happy yesterday, there were ones that upset you."
His embrace got tighter and tighter as he went on. I remained silent.
"Alice, please…" his voice was barely a whisper. "Please tell me the truth."
"No," I sighed. "They're not all positive."
He slumped a little, even as I said the words he'd been expecting.
"You're so unsure right now that I can't see much beyond whether or not you make it out of our room. Even that keeps changing. We'll get through this one decision at a time. Together," I added.
Together was our mantra. It was how we got through everything. And at school, apart from homeroom, we'd be in class together all day. With Emmett and Rosalie away on an extended honeymoon in Paris, Edward, Jasper and I would all be entering the school as sophomores with identical schedules. I was grateful that Carlisle had suggested it when Jasper had hinted that maybe next time he might try school. He needed the encouragement, as well as the checks and balances, that both Edward and I would provide.
"I want to be able to do this," he sighed. "I really do…"
"I know," I murmured into his chest, continuing to rub circles on the soft cotton on his back.
"It's time I was able to this. You've been going to school for twenty-five years now!" More and more distress crept into his voice with each word. "Maybe I'm just meant to fail at everything."
"Jasper…"
He started to sink to the floor, but I locked my arm around him like a vice grip and wouldn't let him. It startled him just enough. He blinked, looking down at me for a moment before closing his eyes. I pulled back a little to look up at him, reaching out to cup his cheek with my hand.
"Please, look at me," I asked him softly.
Jasper tensed, but obliged, locking his golden eyes on mine. He leaned slightly into my touch.
"You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for."
He scoffed.
"You are. Your eyes are the same beautiful amber as mine. You haven't slipped in five years." My thumb traced semi-circles on his smooth cheek.
"I think about it all the time. All the time, Al. It isn't getting any easier," he admitted.
This I knew already, from Edward. I had seen signs from Jasper, but this was the first time he'd said it out loud.
"But you're getting better at it," I smiled.
"Do you really think so, or are you just saying that?"
"I really think so," I answered automatically.
"Sometimes I can't tell. You're always so hopeful." He kissed the top of my head.
"I want you to do well, to be happy…I have to keep up that hope. I don't like to lie to you."
He nodded. "But you do lie sometimes?"
His tone was even, free of accusation. He just wanted to know. I nodded, biting my lip for a moment before explaining. It made sense to me, but would it to him?
"If I see something bad, I always tell you. You know that. With the hope that by you knowing, you might make a decision that changes things."
He nodded for me to continue.
"And that works, a lot of the time. You can be very determined."
"I don't like to upset you," he answered simply.
I hugged him tightly. "Then there are times when the future is unclear, where I can't see if something's going to fall positive or negative for you."
"Like today."
"Like today. I always go for the positive," I smiled.
"You have more faith in me that I do in myself," he sighed.
"Haven't I always?"
He nodded. "I've always loved that hope."
I grinned. Telling me that had been one of the first times that he'd said out loud that he loved me, some 27 years ago.
I released Jasper's hand as we walked up the front stairs of the high school. I paused at the top, turning to face him.
"Twenty minutes. That's all you have to get through by yourself."
He nodded.
"Your homeroom is on the way to English. I'll meet you right outside the door."
He nodded again.
"You can do this. I love you."
In an uncharacteristic show of public affection, Jasper bent down and kissed the top of my head before walking down the hall.
"So, I don't lie, per se…" I qualified. "I err on the side of that hope."
He was silent for a minute, stroking the side of my bare arm.
We climbed out of the car and let Edward enter the house ahead of us. Jasper sat on the front steps, staring straight ahead. I came to stand a step below him, and pulled his head to my chest.
"Breathe," I smiled, running my fingers through his hair. "You did it."
Jasper pulled me down onto his lap, and pressed his lips to the top of my head, inhaling deeply. I wrapped my arms around his waist.
"That was hard," he sighed, after a moment. "Any time I had to speak in class…when I had to breathe."
"You did it though. I'm so proud of you. And hopefully," I emphasized the word, earning me a soft chuckle, "Hopefully, you will start to get used to it."
He nodded, tightening his embrace.
"You're happy," Jasper noted. "What did you see?"
I smiled up at him. "You make it through the whole day. We'll talk about it on the front steps later."
The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. I raised myself up on my tiptoes to kiss him gently.
"It's going to be hard for you, when you have to speak in class. But you manage. You get through it."
"Keep reminding you that," Jasper told me, taking my hand and leading me to the door.
"All day. I'll be there."
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"Hope is a lover's staff; walk hence with that and manage it against despairing thoughts", Two Gentlemen of Verona, 3.1