[fic] 17 Days
Title: 17 Days
Pairing: Hankyung/Siwon
Rating: Hard R
Warnings: Character Death
Note: It's called 17 Days because at first that's how it was divided. Now it's just like, a mess of things, but whatever, I kept the title. And writing this while listening to Jaejoong's "Insa" totally killed me.
-----
His eyes are wide as the doctor speaks, and he coughs, and the bright red on his hand is repulsive and fascinating all at the same time.
“…a month, maybe two… don’t expect… checking into the hospital… nothing… very sorry…”
He wonders how he’s going to tell the other members.
---
They think it’s a joke at first. They laugh and hit his shoulder and tell him to stop trying to be funny (because that’s Kangin’s job and Heechul’s job) and to just go cook, because they’re hungry.
Siwon is the only one that doesn’t laugh, but looks at him, horrified. “Hyung.”
Hankyung doesn’t say anything more, but he quietly places his hospital file on the table. Kangin is still laughing with Donghae, but Ryeowook and Shindong’s eyes jerk from the blue folder to his face and back down again.
Yesung sees the staring, and he quiets down too and joins in. Soon, it gets quieter and quieter, and the look on Leeteuk’s face more and more resembles Siwon’s.
“Hankyung…”
Leeteuk hesitantly touches the file, and that little gesture makes Hankyung want to cry. Leeteuk is never hesitant and unsure, he’s steady and confident and why did he have to pick today to be otherwise?
It feels like a tomb, the silence before the ghost comes out from behind your shoulder, and Hankyung doesn’t want to feel it.
“It just says what I told you,” he announces. “Just… official.” He taps his fingers against the table top, stops. “I don’t want to be treated any differently. I’m going to sing and I’m going to dance and I’m going to work and none of you are going to stop me.”
He leaves the room, and Siwon’s quiet “Oh my God…” makes him glad that he left before the rest start falling apart.
---
He’s out of breath minutes into practice, and he doesn’t acknowledge the others when they watch him, stare at him, count his heartbeats with their eyes.
Sweat is making his eyes burn, his lungs hurt so badly he’d rip them out if he could. His legs are starting to shake, and his hands have already started, but he won’t stop. He turns and stomps and angles his arms. The last thing he’s going to show them is a weak Hankyung, a Hankyung who gave up on life even though life gave up on him first.
So he glides, twists, misses a step and falls down. He hits his nose on the floor and the blood is almost too bright. There’s a commotion, the boys are shoving each other around to get to him first, they’re yelling his name and Hankyung hates it.
With his head spinning, he pushes himself up and wipes his nose with the back of his hand, and when the first person touches his shoulder, he jerks away and snarls. “Get back into position, let’s do it again.”
He spins on his heel to get back into his starting position, no matter how much the others have started to protest, and he sees Siwon with his hand hanging in mid-air.
---
“Hyung…”
“Don’t.” Hankyung mixes the rice more forcefully then he needed to, and he gives Siwon a glance over his shoulder. “I don’t want to hear a word if it’s not something about adding more ingredients.”
The sigh Siwon gives is loud, but he doesn’t say anything more.
There’s silence for only a few minutes, then Siwon is talking again, because he has something he needs to say. Hankyung doesn’t stop him this time, but he makes no effort to hide the fact that he’s trying to ignore him.
“At practice today… Maybe you need to practice the dance a little more… I mean, if you’re missing steps this close to the first performance, it’s not a good sign.” Siwon’s voice is resigned, soft.
Hankyung turns around, stunned. He was expecting lectures and prayers, but what he gets is Siwon’s tired eyes and the soft way his mouth turns down slightly at the corners and his surrender.
Siwon holds a hand out to him.
Hankyung takes it, and in Siwon’s arms, he feels as if maybe he’s not dying, not at that moment.
---
Hankyung’s glad that no one’s in the dorm with him.
The lunch he tried hard to keep down has won the battle. Hankyung has nothing to throw up anymore, but he’s still is. It’s when he realizes that it’s not lunch, but long strings of something red, that he’s glad he’s alone.
He thinks maybe it’ll never stop; he’ll die here with his face in the toilet.
He’s tried hard not to cry, but his tears have won today too, and he’s crying and throwing up and he just wants to not be dying. He wants to live and laugh and see his parents and maybe have kids; he doesn’t want to be in a coffin with worms in his eyes and his muscles rotted away to ash.
---
Hankyung really doesn’t have much to say these days.
He’s trying very hard to keep smiling, keep laughing, keep feeling, but he can’t. Kangin’s jokes are only halfway funny. Heechul’s rants are only halfway irritating. Sungmin and Ryeowook are only half as cute.
He said he wouldn’t give up, but it’s so easy to think about it. It’s so easy to just go to bed at night and think of never waking up and hurting again.
He hurts when he gets up from bed, he hurts when he walks to the closet, he hurts when he has to pull his shirt on over his head. His legs don’t want to stand up, and these days, he sits and pulls his clothes on.
It takes longer then it’s ever had because he’s out of breath from bending over to raise his pants up, and he’s out of breath when he has to sit up straight again.
When he finally joins the others, everything is awkward. Some of the boys look as if they want to burst into tears when they see him. Some try to mother him quicker into death. Some try hard to act as is nothing is happening, and the way their voices are louder then usual is worse then anything else.
Siwon is the only one that doesn’t seem to have changed. He talks the same, smiles the same. He looks a little tired, but then again, don’t they all?
---
Yesung catches him throwing up. Hankyung had been very good about keeping silent, but this time, oh, this time, it felt as if his inside were ripping away, tearing into pieces, pulling him inside out.
He hadn’t noticed he was crying, sobbing, until Yesung banged into the bathroom, cursed, and knelt beside him, brushing the hair away from his face and patting his back, wiping his tears.
When it’s finally over, when Hankyung can breathe again, he slumps to the side and cries and cries, and it’s Siwon that takes him away from Yesung and takes him to bed and puts him to sleep.
---
“I think… Hankyung, you need to check into the hospital now.” Leeteuk rubs his face with his hands, and his eyes are bloodshot when he takes them away. Hankyung opens his mouth to say something, but Leeteuk cuts him off with a glare.
“Don’t you say a damn thing. You’re killing yourself like this, and I won’t let you. We’re going tomorrow.”
Leeteuk stands up, and Hankyung hates that he looks so frail and skinny. He catches Leeteuk’s sleeve.
“I’ll go hyung, but… One more day. Let me have one more day here… I’ll go the day after tomorrow, I promise.” His voice is soft, resigned.
Leeteuk thinks, nods, and brushes his hand over Hankyung’s shoulder, leaves.
Hankyung rests his head on the table, and closes his eyes. He’s so tired today.
He only has one more day left to be free and happy. He’s going to enjoy it. He’s going to leave with more good memories. He’s not going to give in and let his body win without a fight.
Siwon finds him sleeping, and he picks him up, and hates that Hankyung’s so light, and takes him to his bedroom.
---
Hankyung doesn’t feel quite as tired as before when he wakes up with Siwon’s arms around his waist. He smiles and coughs and when Siwon’s eyes flutter open, he holds in the other coughs trying to escape.
Hankyung makes breakfast, the first time in days, and he ignores that Siwon is standing closer then he ever has before.
“Go wake up the others, they’re so lazy.” Hankyung waves a hand at Siwon, and Siwon hesitates, but Hankyung says it again and waves a spoon at him.
Siwon rolls his eyes, but he does as he’s told.
Members pile in one by one, and the silence in the kitchen is only broken by yawns. Hankyung remembers that only a few weeks ago, people would’ve been grumbling and complaining and bugging him about his food choice.
Hankyung hits the back of Kangin’s head when the younger man stares at his hands. “Yah, you’re going to be like this all day? What are you, depressed?”
Hankyung’s moving slower then ever, but he makes it around the table, handing everyone a plate, talking continuously, and he knows the boys, it doesn’t take long before they’re laughing and chattering.
Heechul is the only one that doesn’t respond to Hankyung’s teasing, but only watches him with wide eyes. His eyes are red, too red. They’re not tired like Leeteuk’s, but wet with tears, and Hankyung can’t see him like that.
---
“What are we going to do today?” Eunhyuk yawns and falls on the couch, but carefully, because Hankyung’s sitting, leaning against Siwon’s shoulder, trying to smile even though he hurts.
“I don’t know, God, why are we always so fucking lazy?” Kangin sits on the floor with a toy hammer and occasionally reaches out and hits Kibum or Shindong on the knee.
Shindong brightens. “Let’s watch a movie! Don’t we have the new movie? That fighting one?” He nudges Kyuhyun in the side, and the baby of the group looks up from his book with a confused look on his face.
Hankyung’s hand shoots into the air, and he waves it around. “I want to watch that too, me too!”
And it’s decided, and the movie plays, and Hankyung falls asleep halfway through because he’s too tired to make it.
---
“Hyung, don’t cook dinner tonight.” Sungmin takes the pot away from Hankyung’s hands.
“Why?” Hankyung is wide-eyed, but is angry in seconds. “Is it because you think-“
“No, hyung.” Sungmin rolls his eyes. “We just don’t want to eat the same dish again. We’re ordering jajangmyun..”
Hankyung deflates. “Okay.”
---
Hankyung likes to listen to the others eating. They all just seem so healthy and bright and alive, it makes him happy that he’s not leaving behind anyone not taken care of. He’s watched over them well, even if they don’t realize it.
His bowl of noodles get colder, because he could only take a couple of bites, and Shindong takes it with a cheeky grin and splits it with Donghae, who grins at Hankyung too.
Hankyung just shakes his head.
He can feel it in his bones that he’s not going to last that month the doctor said he would. Every day is getting harder and harder, and Hankyung just can’t do it. He’s out of breath just walking around the dinner table.
It’s going to be time for him to sleep soon.
---
Everyone’s fallen asleep in the living room, and Hankyung is glad that he gets to see them so peaceful and together before he has to leave. That is, unless they all agree to come sleep on his bathroom floor at the hospital, which Hankyung strongly disbelieves.
He stands in the doorway and looks at each member’s face, wants to remember them like this. Leeteuk, Kangin, Shindong, Donghae, Eunhyuk, Ryeowook, Sungmin, Yesung, Kibum, Kyuhyun… And where’s Siwon? And Heechul?
Hankyung frowns, moves slowly into the room. He can’t catch his breath, his legs feel as if they’re going to break in half, and he’s holding onto the wall with every muscle in his arms that can move, but he feels himself sliding, falling.
“What are you doing? Can’t you just stay still?” It’s Heechul’s voice, high-strung and whispered, and Hankyung sighs in relief.
Heechul comes and holds his elbow. “Come on, you don’t need to sleep on floor.” Hankyung is turned around, and they shuffle down the hallway to Hankyung’s bedroom. He looks up at Heechul, but the older boy doesn’t look down at him. His jaw is clenched.
Hankyung is ready to fall asleep when they reach the bedroom. Heechul opens the door without a word, helps him sit on his bed. “Go to sleep, okay?”
Heechul turns to leave, but Hankyung is catching his sleeve.. It seems like that’s all he does these days, catches people’s sleeves and keep them from leaving, because he’s the one that has to leave.
“Heechul…”
Heechul looks down at the ground, and Hankyung would’ve missed the shaking of his shoulders and the sparkle of tears that fell if he hadn’t been watching him too carefully. “Heechul…” he says again, and Heechul is sobbing, falling to the floor at Hankyung’s knees and sobbing.
He buries his face in Hankyung’s lap, and Hankyung bends over to hold him close, to press his cheek against Heechul’s back and cry with him.
---
When Heechul finally stops crying, he presses a kiss to Hankyung’s cheek and leaves the room with a quiet smile. Hankyung thinks that Heechul knows that he’s not going to make it much longer.
Hankyung doesn’t bother to take off his clothes. He carefully lies down, pulls his covers up to his shoulders. The room is too quiet, and Hankyung wonders what he’s missing when the door opens and Siwon slides in with a smile that seems more of a grimace.
“I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, you were gone… I was scared.”
Hankyung smiles back at him, and he’s not missing anything anymore. He holds his hand out to Siwon. “Don’t be. I was just here.”
Siwon takes his hand and sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at him. “I just… I wanted to see you.” Hankyung pulls his hand to his cheek, presses a kiss into Siwon’s wrist.
Siwon makes a sound.
Hankyung kisses his wrist again, kisses the palm of his hand.
---
Siwon pulls off each of Hankyung’s clothes with a kiss to newly bared skin, and Hankyung gives a soft sigh each time.
He doesn’t feel the way his body aches, because it doesn’t ache anymore. All he feels is fire and Siwon’s fingers.
“Are you okay?” Siwon’s quiet voice floats to him, and he opens his eyes. Siwon is staring up at him, hands running smoothly up and down his thighs. He looks so so worried, so Hankyung reaches out and cups his cheek, smiles.
“I’m fine…”
Siwon’s mouth is warm around him, not hot and burning as he thought it would be. Hankyung moans and clenches the bed sheets beside his hips, but Siwon looks up and takes his hands, places them on his head.
Hankyung tangles his fingers into Siwon’s hair, but he doesn’t push, doesn’t pull, because Siwon sucks as hard as he needs, or as soft as he needs, and even though Hankyung pants, he isn’t desperate for it.
His stomach tightens, and it’s a feeling Hankyung never thought he’d feel before he left. It starts at the base of his spine and crawls up his back and ends up in soft “Siwon…” from his lips.
Siwon pulls away, and his mouth is wet and red. Hankyung holds his arms out to him, and Siwon holds him tight. His mouth moves softly against his. Hankyung likes soft kisses, the ones that start slow and end slow but go deep into your heart. That’s the way Siwon kisses, every time, each time.
Hankyung barely feels Siwon’s cold fingers push into him, one by one. He just feels his body heating up, and he can’t see very clearly because everything’s hazy. It’s like a dream.
The dream gets bigger and grander when Siwon pulls his fingers away, and it’s him that’s entering his body, oh so slow and steady. It feels like Siwon’s kisses. Hankyung is drifting away, his eyes falling closed. Like being rocked to sleep in a boat, Siwon the tide that slides gently in, gently out.
Each time the tide pushes in, his body hums, tightens and relaxes. His fingers are tight on Siwon’s waist, and Siwon leans down to rest on his elbows, and there, it’s his kisses again.
The boat rocks on and on, and the tide never stops. Hankyung thinks of blue blue seas and the way Siwon smiles. He wonders why he’s so sleepy, why now, when everything is warm and exciting. He wonders why he’s only found the boat now, when he’s got so little time left, and wonders if maybe he should cry.
But Siwon makes a noise, and Hankyung doesn’t want to cry because then maybe Siwon wouldn’t sound so beautiful. So he sighs instead, and rubs his fingers against Siwon’s burning skin.
The sleepiness comes back, and Hankyung wonders if maybe he should just sleep. His arms are so tired now, they just fall against the bottom of the boat, and he can’t to work up the energy to keep kissing Siwon, even though he loves his kisses.
The tide that he loves so much stops suddenly, and he feels something wet against his face. Is Siwon crying? Why would he cry when everything is so beautiful?
Everything is so warm, and it’s nice that his body doesn’t hurt anymore. Nothing hurts, nothing at all. His body didn’t win after all, he can’t feel it anymore. Now it’s just time to sleep, time to drift away… Drift away... Drift awa-