Too late for second-guessing, Too late to go back to sleep...
It’s been a shockingly long time since I’ve updated. But the truth is, almost always, the only reasons I would want to post is either to get something off my chest, tell people interesting stories, or give exciting news. But the truth is that, I’m such a gossip and I strive so hard to keep in touch with people, that I usually have told everyone everything before I have a chance to update. (Plus I have a super tiny list of people who read this thing.)
Anyway, I guess this will be mostly a pontification post, but who knows? As most of you probably know, I’m taking intensive German. Despite the fact that it isn’t for credit, and that it has maybe one fifth the work load of Latin, the class manages to stress me out. My real big issue is that, the class is taught by my friends. As you have heard me mention on numerous occasions, the German department and history department are really close, in fact three of the TA s teaching this thing are dating/betrothed to members of History department. Three are in fact close friends in their own right. Anyway, I have feelings that if I do poorly or slack off (or am really annoying in close) I will reflect poorly on my department, and even hurt some of the better relationships I’ve made in grad school. While I’ve managed to maintain an A average, anything less than 100% makes me cringe. That along with the fact that I have to wake up at 6:30 am (and I haven’t been sleeping too well.) I’ve been feeling myself slip into depression.
What doesn’t help is that my love-life is dead. I’ve been putting myself out pretty consistently for the last month. I’ve been stood up twice, and rejected dozens of time, and there is really only so much of that I can take. I’m not saying that I haven’t dealt with this sort of thing again, but it has just been so consistently crushing, and watching other friends get picked up so quickly… well its been pretty hard.
Oakland is (supposedly, he can flake with incredible ease) coming to visit me in Maryland this weekend. He is looking to finish his PhD at University of Maryland. While my feelings for him are well passed, the thought of him coming up has kind of thrust me back into some of the drama of Undergrad. (Also there is that slight tendency for us to hook up every time I see him. I don’t really mind, it just makes me feel like I haven’t gone anywhere.) While I have maintained a few close friendships from WVU, most of the drama that stressed me out the most swirled around Oakland. To be honest, the thought of some of the people who tend to follow him, following him into Maryland makes my skin crawl. I know that sounds odd, but for me, Maryland has always been a safe space, where I can decompress from University stresses. Love West Virginia as much as I did, there was this problem that most of my friends there were, well Losers. And it felt that, the longer I was there the more I could find the safety of Failure. So, yeah, glad to see Oakland, but….
As if that weren’t complicating enough, the next weekend, Ernest is visiting me up at Penn State. You know how I kind of tried to break things off with him in March? Well, that didn’t work, and it wasn’t until he graduated in May that we stopped seeing each other. We still talk every night. And I still have feelings for him. Yeah I admit it. It’s probably not healthy, but I’ve been looking forward to seeing him.
Anyway, that’s basically it, Im bummed, and making really poor decisions with my love life. By the way, I’m into the fifth season of How I Met Your Mother, it’s kind of unfortunate how much I empathize with some of the characters.
Oh and I have been on a wicked Wicked bender recently.
Anyway, I guess this will be mostly a pontification post, but who knows? As most of you probably know, I’m taking intensive German. Despite the fact that it isn’t for credit, and that it has maybe one fifth the work load of Latin, the class manages to stress me out. My real big issue is that, the class is taught by my friends. As you have heard me mention on numerous occasions, the German department and history department are really close, in fact three of the TA s teaching this thing are dating/betrothed to members of History department. Three are in fact close friends in their own right. Anyway, I have feelings that if I do poorly or slack off (or am really annoying in close) I will reflect poorly on my department, and even hurt some of the better relationships I’ve made in grad school. While I’ve managed to maintain an A average, anything less than 100% makes me cringe. That along with the fact that I have to wake up at 6:30 am (and I haven’t been sleeping too well.) I’ve been feeling myself slip into depression.
What doesn’t help is that my love-life is dead. I’ve been putting myself out pretty consistently for the last month. I’ve been stood up twice, and rejected dozens of time, and there is really only so much of that I can take. I’m not saying that I haven’t dealt with this sort of thing again, but it has just been so consistently crushing, and watching other friends get picked up so quickly… well its been pretty hard.
Oakland is (supposedly, he can flake with incredible ease) coming to visit me in Maryland this weekend. He is looking to finish his PhD at University of Maryland. While my feelings for him are well passed, the thought of him coming up has kind of thrust me back into some of the drama of Undergrad. (Also there is that slight tendency for us to hook up every time I see him. I don’t really mind, it just makes me feel like I haven’t gone anywhere.) While I have maintained a few close friendships from WVU, most of the drama that stressed me out the most swirled around Oakland. To be honest, the thought of some of the people who tend to follow him, following him into Maryland makes my skin crawl. I know that sounds odd, but for me, Maryland has always been a safe space, where I can decompress from University stresses. Love West Virginia as much as I did, there was this problem that most of my friends there were, well Losers. And it felt that, the longer I was there the more I could find the safety of Failure. So, yeah, glad to see Oakland, but….
As if that weren’t complicating enough, the next weekend, Ernest is visiting me up at Penn State. You know how I kind of tried to break things off with him in March? Well, that didn’t work, and it wasn’t until he graduated in May that we stopped seeing each other. We still talk every night. And I still have feelings for him. Yeah I admit it. It’s probably not healthy, but I’ve been looking forward to seeing him.
Anyway, that’s basically it, Im bummed, and making really poor decisions with my love life. By the way, I’m into the fifth season of How I Met Your Mother, it’s kind of unfortunate how much I empathize with some of the characters.
Oh and I have been on a wicked Wicked bender recently.