(no subject)
I kinda wanna just disappear, you know... go somewhere and leave everything behind. I'm sick of my past being my present, I'm tired of feeling not good enough. It just floods me, like the invisible man. No matter how much I wave my hands, jump up and down, or scream at the top of my lungs... it's like no one can hear me, or notices. And that can just be so... depressing. And I try to be happy, and that helps for the moment, but when I get home and I'm by myself and just think for a while, it just gets over bearing... I spend a lot of time thinking about what people will say at my funeral, and who would show up... or even notice that I had died. I mean, my exgirlfriend of four years dating gives my ... I guess exbestfriend more attention than me. Talk about painful. It's like, I try to put my heart somewhere, with a person... I guess instead of heart you can say trust, but time and time it's betrayed. I guess that's a lot of responsibility for someone... but I feel like I do it, I try real hard to be trustworthy, to help work things out and to be around for my friends whenever they are in need. There has to be other people right? Other romantics? People who want to help people? I know I'm not perfect, and there are some things about me that are pretty fucked up. Is it too much to ask for someone that you can just hold onto and cry and they would just hold you instead of walking away. I wonder if I somehow bring this on myself, if energy does exist, what on earth am I doing that is so wrong. I almost want to work out, and do all of these things out of spite. like "Look what you could of had, see me now in all of my glory. Now do you regret treating me the way you do you fucking asshole?" and then you die... I mean how does it even matter anyway? What are the point of accomplishments? Why does it matter that I'm a Massage Therapist and graduated at the top of my class? It's bullshit anyway. On a long enough time line everyones survival rate is zero.