fuck you and your silly ways
behind the cut because its so long
im done with giving people chances im done with dealing with people i hate or i dont trust or i dont like. i cant stand it when you think you can treat my like shit time and time again. i cant stand it when you decide to not call me for months at a time and then when a holiday roles around you feel the need to send me flowers. asshole they were trashed. i hate crying over him i hate feeling unwanted or however the hell im feeling right now. See what sucks, and what doesnt suck at the same time is the fact that when this shit happens to me im never happy, i can just cry myself to sleep feel unwanted and feel lonely. But now i have all this crazyness rushing around where i know im wanted and im far from lonely but yet i am. well not lonely but "family" lonely. thats how i can put it. i hate knowing that my dads there being a father to some other little boy and not me. im his daughter damnit and its not fair. but i hate him and i dont want him in my life. so of course this all makes complete sense right? i hate how every time me and my mom fight "go live with your father.. oh wait he doesnt want you either" or whenever i stay here its a battle between her and my mom who ends up with me because they are both on the phone saying "she doesnt need to stay here she belongs there why not send her to NY" i love NY but at the same time i fear it. i dont want to move there but i do. i hate CT i hate almost everything thats happened to me in CT. i hate so many ppl in CT. its just a bunch of two faced bitches. People arent like how they are here in NY. because if they were they would get shot. or have their ass kicked. the other day i was randomly pulling out photo albums from when i was a baby. when my dad wore those stupid purple sunglasses and i had this fucked up baby mullet. and i broke down. you know what i want. i want what the gilmore girls have. that kind of mother daughter relationship where they are best friends. i just want my dad out of the picture. i want to only have to deal with my grandmother once a week for friday dinners. i want to be happy. but thats the thing. i am happy right now. so if im happy why am i unhappy. does this make sense at all? i think im just rambling about nothing. and crying. this is going to be the first time in over two months that i've just cried myself to sleep. its 12:45 and now i've been crying for 20 minutes. he keeps calling and the phone keeps ringing and i want to answer and tell him to fuck you he doesnt know me anymore he never knew me he doesnt know what i've been doing for the last 6 months he doesnt know i have a job or a boyfriend or that i was in the play or that i've ran away three times. but i know if i answer i will break down. like i always do. i'll give in. so thats why i avoid the phone. thats why i just delete the message the second i hear "beauty its.." because i'll give in and i'll cry and i'll be sad again. i want to shut the door and i always do but before i can dead bult it and burn it he's there to push it open and make me hurt and cry again. people bitch about how their dads arent there or people take for granted how their fathers come in every other weekend to see them or how their fathers pay for child support. i wish my dad would just leave for good instead of randomly comming and teasing me. or i wish my dad would care enough to say "hey maybe i should see my own daughter" or "hey if i dont bother with lauren or cant come to see her all the time bc i live in NY maybe i should pay for half her school or maybe child support" no you cant even do that my mom has to go through some fucked up company just to take it out of your pay check. i hate you please just die. but no you'll live forever just to torture me. i need to go to bed i cant stop crying and sneezing and i cant talk bc my throats sore and i feel like im falling apart and now west wing is on. so goodnite
oh and i saw hostage today with kevin.. it was pretty decent
im done with giving people chances im done with dealing with people i hate or i dont trust or i dont like. i cant stand it when you think you can treat my like shit time and time again. i cant stand it when you decide to not call me for months at a time and then when a holiday roles around you feel the need to send me flowers. asshole they were trashed. i hate crying over him i hate feeling unwanted or however the hell im feeling right now. See what sucks, and what doesnt suck at the same time is the fact that when this shit happens to me im never happy, i can just cry myself to sleep feel unwanted and feel lonely. But now i have all this crazyness rushing around where i know im wanted and im far from lonely but yet i am. well not lonely but "family" lonely. thats how i can put it. i hate knowing that my dads there being a father to some other little boy and not me. im his daughter damnit and its not fair. but i hate him and i dont want him in my life. so of course this all makes complete sense right? i hate how every time me and my mom fight "go live with your father.. oh wait he doesnt want you either" or whenever i stay here its a battle between her and my mom who ends up with me because they are both on the phone saying "she doesnt need to stay here she belongs there why not send her to NY" i love NY but at the same time i fear it. i dont want to move there but i do. i hate CT i hate almost everything thats happened to me in CT. i hate so many ppl in CT. its just a bunch of two faced bitches. People arent like how they are here in NY. because if they were they would get shot. or have their ass kicked. the other day i was randomly pulling out photo albums from when i was a baby. when my dad wore those stupid purple sunglasses and i had this fucked up baby mullet. and i broke down. you know what i want. i want what the gilmore girls have. that kind of mother daughter relationship where they are best friends. i just want my dad out of the picture. i want to only have to deal with my grandmother once a week for friday dinners. i want to be happy. but thats the thing. i am happy right now. so if im happy why am i unhappy. does this make sense at all? i think im just rambling about nothing. and crying. this is going to be the first time in over two months that i've just cried myself to sleep. its 12:45 and now i've been crying for 20 minutes. he keeps calling and the phone keeps ringing and i want to answer and tell him to fuck you he doesnt know me anymore he never knew me he doesnt know what i've been doing for the last 6 months he doesnt know i have a job or a boyfriend or that i was in the play or that i've ran away three times. but i know if i answer i will break down. like i always do. i'll give in. so thats why i avoid the phone. thats why i just delete the message the second i hear "beauty its.." because i'll give in and i'll cry and i'll be sad again. i want to shut the door and i always do but before i can dead bult it and burn it he's there to push it open and make me hurt and cry again. people bitch about how their dads arent there or people take for granted how their fathers come in every other weekend to see them or how their fathers pay for child support. i wish my dad would just leave for good instead of randomly comming and teasing me. or i wish my dad would care enough to say "hey maybe i should see my own daughter" or "hey if i dont bother with lauren or cant come to see her all the time bc i live in NY maybe i should pay for half her school or maybe child support" no you cant even do that my mom has to go through some fucked up company just to take it out of your pay check. i hate you please just die. but no you'll live forever just to torture me. i need to go to bed i cant stop crying and sneezing and i cant talk bc my throats sore and i feel like im falling apart and now west wing is on. so goodnite
oh and i saw hostage today with kevin.. it was pretty decent