... a rant
lookit! i did a cut! but ummm if you read all of this its kind of tonight... sucked. the day was good. night... not so great. i was so happy. SO happy. i was at lilys until around 6:30, then i came home. no problem there- not upset at all. i get home, i get online... and i get to talk to kali. extremely happy. she always makes me happy. id be cutting myself up right now if it wasnt for her. i even cried when i was talking to her. she makes me THAT happy. and i miss her so much. 3 1/2 months until i get to see her. back to my night... i get offline and nothings wrong. i start talking to my parents, trying to get to a point where im going to ask about kali, raven, and ravens mom staying at our house a few nights... but of COURSE as SOON as i start talking about my own life, my parents question every little thing and start insulting every aspect of it. im just sitting there on the couch for a good hour or hour and a half just listening to them and trying to defend everything about my entire life. that was stressful enough. them just yelling at me that im hanging out with the wrong people, and that i should make different friends. REALLY? SHOULD I?! people HATE me okay? not everybody else. but i CANT make other friends. i lost the people i could trust and be comfortable around when i came out. theyre "okay" with me being gay, sure. but they just grew away from me because its so weird for them. i dont blame them, im the only lesbian in either of my schools. i knew it would happen if i came out, especially when i was so young. 7th grade. nice. and plus... why would i want to make different friends? school sucks. i hate it. its stressful, they expect too much, and i DONT LIKE THE PEOPLE THERE. make friends with them my ass. i have to pretend to like toooo many people as it is. who dont i... who goes to school with me that im willing to hang out with out of school and im atleast semi-myself/comfortable around them that i actually like. ... jake. is there anyone else? ummm... let me think here for a second. ummm- maybe jessie but we've stopped hanging out so much. sarah? um, well... with her, i dont know. its just so different now. whys she trying so hard to be someone that she isnt? blaser? yeah she's cool, and i do like spending time with her outside of school, but that doesnt happen much. ryan? oh annoying as fuck. but who would i consider a friend? i dont think anybody at school to tell you the truth. a friend? a real friend... *shrugs*. i have people i hang out with at school and i kind of call them my friends. but really? eh. right- back to parents. they yelled at me about my clothes and hair... of course. how could i have missed that coming? how??? "if you didnt dress the way you do, and if you didnt just come up and decide 'hey im going to cut all my hair off' then you'd have more friends kaitlin". I DONT CARE. this is fucking me! i hate that they cant see that. i hate it. i didnt like myself at all when i had longer hair and i dressed like everyone else. that wasnt me. "be yourself kayt, always be yourself". yeah thanks mom and dad, totally proved you really meant that setence tonight. im finally comfortable with who i am... maybe i cant be comfortable around other people, but im comfortable with myself. isnt that enough? cuz it sure as hell is for me. they wont let me quit soccer. they said itll help relieve the stress and its good for me. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOOD FOR ME MOM AND DAD. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. they dont know me at all. i cant believe they even try. its going to be too stressful. dr. read says im depressed... she says that and all that good crap for a reason. its because of stress. soccers going to stress me out. yeah... real fun... being around a bunch of preppy bitches that hate me and trying to play soccer with them. weeee!!!! FUN! not stressful at all! and its going to take up my entire life. 2 hour practices every day and 2 games a week or some shit like that? i wont even get home until 10 some nights. that leaves a WHOLE lotta time for myself. i cant even think right now. i cant write about half the shit that we talked about. they insulted every single one of the people that i ever hang out with. every single fucking one. im not allowed to spend the night at lilys this weekend either. they said i can hang out over there, and anybodys allowed to spend the night here... so whats the difference? they dont believe me that im actually happy there. "inside and outside happy". yes i actually am most of the time thanks. im outside happy a lot. they know that. but omg... what the fuck ever. they said if im too "stressed" to go out for soccer, then i have to drop out of something else. aka central. no. i hate central yeah, but going to central... i can get away from adel. i can graduate earlier. ill be done with more of my classes faster. dads saying i have to drop out of it like... right now. really? right now? at almost the end of the year? and he wants me to start taking regular classes again and study an hour a night. I HAVENT STUDIED OR DONE ANY HOMEWORK IN 4 FUCKING WEEKS! i cant tell them that or they'll flip, but whatever. they yelled at me about a lot of stuff. my GID. my gayness. friends. school. quitting soccer (but they said no). the internet. not "questioning" anything. anything and everything. so much more. i cant talk about it all. so after this whole masquerade ended... i go downstairs and i freak out. i turn up my music and... okay this is a little personal and i dont usually talk about this crap, but im sitting on the floor and im just pounding my fist into the ground over and over and im crying, but i dont realize that i was crying until later. i get a bunch of shit out to really fuck myself up. cuz at the time... i didnt even want to be concious of anything going on. i try to calm down, and i start up my computer and putting away my clothes, and then my dad comes storming down the stairs and pounds on the door. "open up the fucking door" and i was almost certain he was going to break it down. i open it and he's just standing there and he starts yelling at me at the top of his lungs that im not thankful for them, and they've been excepting of me, and all this other SHIT. he does that for about 15 minutes while im just standing there silent. yeah. you and mom are the good guys, im the bad guy. i get it. thanks. he even yelled at me about me not going by "kaitlin" and why everybody hates themselves enough to change their name. wtf... wtf wtf wtf. but he's all red-faced and shit at the end, and he's just like kayt? and im like "what" and he fucking reaches over and hugs me and i dont want him to touch me. i dont like being touched by family members. then he goes upstairs. its just... pissed me the fuck off. what the hell was up with that! huh?! WHAT! leeeeeave me alone dad. you have NO idea whats going on with me. you'd have no idea even if you tried to understand. ur not me. u dont know the people i hang out with. you dont know what i go through. i lock the door and turn the music back up. this time i just want to leave. i dont want to be here anymore. i dont want to be at the school, i dont want to be at this house, i dont want to be around my parents, i dont want to live in the town i live in, i dont want to be on this earth at all. i just want to be gone. i almost ran away. keep in mind this was about an hour ago. but i didnt freak out like i did earlier tonight. i didnt get out all my razors and pills. i just layed down on my bed and cried. i was just... lying here, all curled up and bawling my eyes out. and without even realizing it, im gripping onto my blankets and i just start crying out kalis name. i guess i know why. i just miss her. i just want to be with her. whenever i talk to her, she makes me happy. she's one of the only people that can do that. i just... fuck id be committing suicide right now, or a few minutes ago if it wasnt for her. i cant die without falling asleep by her side atleast once. i cant. i want to be with her. im not saying kali is the only thing that makes me happy... but omg she makes me happy. she's the only thing that keeps me from cutting myself up or burning myself or ODing. and again... i dont want to lay all this on her. she's just a big part of my life, and tonight since ive been really upset within the past few hours... just knowing she's there helps so much more than anything else. she's my fiance... id give my breath so she could breathe. id do anything so she can be happy. so we can be happy together. what wouldve happened if i hadnt found kali those many months ago? hell i dont know. i do know that one of the main reasons im staying on this earth is so i can be with her. everything will be alright. i dont want to scare anyone. im okay. i just... u know. i cant do my homework tonight. i cant study. i cant sleep. i dont think i'll be able to go to school tomorrow... but am i going to? yes. why? my parents are going to make me. im just... so... hurt by so many of the things my parents screamed at me tonight. they said that my entire life was crap... that there was nothing good in it pretty much and im living it completely wrong. okay fine, i get it. im a dissapointment. thank you. thank you so much...