Vortex's Five Most Epic Hangovers, Part 1
Two mechs walk into a bar. That’s how it always seems to start, right?
Yeah.
I went in early. Bar was that underground thing Onslaught always liked. I was meant to go talk to people, drink a bit, do that networking slag. Scope out the mark if he turned up, follow him if he left, make sure he never got home. Maybe get laid. Whatever.
Didn’t notice Swindle at first. Certainly didn’t see him come in. Well, you wouldn’t given what I had to look at. I mean frag. Sleek bodywork, antennae just the right size to wrap your hands around, and those wings. Wow. But yeah, she was there for business too, and not the kind where you get to frag. More like the kind where you trade illegal tech. Which is about 80% of the reason I’d been talking to her.
After a while she wandered off to make some more money, and I caught sight of Swindle.
He had that military look to him. He wasn’t, but he had that edge. Like he was trying to look tougher than he was. Nice cannon, good eyes. Odd paint scheme, but it was all gaudy colours and bright accents back then. Eye-catching, in a ‘what the frag were you thinking?’ kinda way.
He had this crowd around him, a load of fawning sycophants and paid entertainers. A few of the more sophisticated kind of interfacing drones, the ones that make you think they’re sentient when they’re not. Never really saw the point in them.
Don’t know if Swindle did either. But he was glossy, and slick, and he’d got this spark to him. Exuberance, and a wicked smile like he could sell you anything and he knew it.
He looked like trouble.
And I was getting seriously bored.
Come on, it’d been, what, half a breem since those hot antennae had gone off in search of profit? That’s fraggin’ ages. More importantly, it’d been about three joors since I got there, and it didn’t look like the mark was gonna show.
Probably caught wind of what Onslaught was up to. Eh, I wasn’t bothered. More satisfying to hunt him down later. And you know what? It really was satisfying. Frag yeah.
But anyway, Swindle. Didn’t take too long to catch his eye. And didn’t take much longer after that to get him over, up to his windshield in high grade, with his hangers-on doing their hanger-on thing all around us.
He was fun.
I’d been drinking before he got there, though I wasn’t exactly overcharged. But slag, a few joors along and I had two of his groupies licking energon off my rotors, and this other one doing frag knows what under the table.
Seriously, I still don’t actually know what he was doing. Looked ticklish, whatever it was. Swindle was certainly smiling.
Thank frag the mark didn’t show. By that point, I wasn’t all that steady on my feet and I couldn’t have shot straight if I’d wanted to. Yeah, and my glue gun kinda got high grade all over it. Several times. Cleaning that up afterwards… wasn’t a job for me. Ha! Yeah, private commissions back then? So much better than the military.
I can’t remember how long it took for the hangers-on to frag off. Maybe Swindle told them to get lost, I dunno. Probably they realised there wasn’t any profit in it any more and went to find someone else to leech from.
So, yeah, two mechs walk into a bar. Only one walks out. The other gets carried.
Frag, Swindle was slagfaced. We both were, but I’m bigger. There are benefits to size and all, and he doesn’t weigh much really.
Can’t remember where we went after that, but we ended up on this roof somewhere in the bit of Kaon that’s kinda like the Towers, but, uh, not. Really not.
I have no fraggin’ idea how I got us up there. Maybe I flew? Probably not in alt mode though. But yeah, we went up there to watch the fliers go past or some slag like that. Perving on seekers? I dunno. Kinda drowned my databanks that night, even the clearer bits are fuzzy.
I remember talking about thrusters, and the merits of different kinds of helm for when you just gotta hang on to someone. And something about engine revs and resonant frequencies and all kinds of slag that only really makes sense when you’re so overcharged you’re crackling.
It follows that we had to find a way to work off some of that excess energy. But I can’t remember.
Ha! Yeah, you were expecting some hot copter on jeep action, weren’t you?
Tough. Go ask Swindle, maybe he knows.
Woke up the next day in a cell. Yep, the both of us. Processor ache of the vorn, and Onslaught standing outside the energon bars with this look on his face like I was really gonna regret whatever the pit we’d done.
He wore a mask, even back then, but I could always tell when I was in the slag. That look was vicious.
So, yeah, what had we done? Got monumentally slagfaced, in all likelihood fragged very loudly, thrown up, and passed out. And all on top of the slaggin’ Senatorial Court.
Yeah. Smart move there.
Took me a while to work off that fine. Only slightly longer than it took for the processor ache and the nausea to wear off. But only ‘cause the mark had skipped out on us and vanished offworld.
Still, he was fun to hunt.
And as for Swindle, I still dunno if we fragged or what. And there’s no way I’m asking him. Lying, deceitful, avaricious heap of slag that he is. Heh.
But yeah, he got let out too. Didn’t see him for a while after that, and then it was all business.
Probably for the best, all things considered.
Yeah.
I went in early. Bar was that underground thing Onslaught always liked. I was meant to go talk to people, drink a bit, do that networking slag. Scope out the mark if he turned up, follow him if he left, make sure he never got home. Maybe get laid. Whatever.
Didn’t notice Swindle at first. Certainly didn’t see him come in. Well, you wouldn’t given what I had to look at. I mean frag. Sleek bodywork, antennae just the right size to wrap your hands around, and those wings. Wow. But yeah, she was there for business too, and not the kind where you get to frag. More like the kind where you trade illegal tech. Which is about 80% of the reason I’d been talking to her.
After a while she wandered off to make some more money, and I caught sight of Swindle.
He had that military look to him. He wasn’t, but he had that edge. Like he was trying to look tougher than he was. Nice cannon, good eyes. Odd paint scheme, but it was all gaudy colours and bright accents back then. Eye-catching, in a ‘what the frag were you thinking?’ kinda way.
He had this crowd around him, a load of fawning sycophants and paid entertainers. A few of the more sophisticated kind of interfacing drones, the ones that make you think they’re sentient when they’re not. Never really saw the point in them.
Don’t know if Swindle did either. But he was glossy, and slick, and he’d got this spark to him. Exuberance, and a wicked smile like he could sell you anything and he knew it.
He looked like trouble.
And I was getting seriously bored.
Come on, it’d been, what, half a breem since those hot antennae had gone off in search of profit? That’s fraggin’ ages. More importantly, it’d been about three joors since I got there, and it didn’t look like the mark was gonna show.
Probably caught wind of what Onslaught was up to. Eh, I wasn’t bothered. More satisfying to hunt him down later. And you know what? It really was satisfying. Frag yeah.
But anyway, Swindle. Didn’t take too long to catch his eye. And didn’t take much longer after that to get him over, up to his windshield in high grade, with his hangers-on doing their hanger-on thing all around us.
He was fun.
I’d been drinking before he got there, though I wasn’t exactly overcharged. But slag, a few joors along and I had two of his groupies licking energon off my rotors, and this other one doing frag knows what under the table.
Seriously, I still don’t actually know what he was doing. Looked ticklish, whatever it was. Swindle was certainly smiling.
Thank frag the mark didn’t show. By that point, I wasn’t all that steady on my feet and I couldn’t have shot straight if I’d wanted to. Yeah, and my glue gun kinda got high grade all over it. Several times. Cleaning that up afterwards… wasn’t a job for me. Ha! Yeah, private commissions back then? So much better than the military.
I can’t remember how long it took for the hangers-on to frag off. Maybe Swindle told them to get lost, I dunno. Probably they realised there wasn’t any profit in it any more and went to find someone else to leech from.
So, yeah, two mechs walk into a bar. Only one walks out. The other gets carried.
Frag, Swindle was slagfaced. We both were, but I’m bigger. There are benefits to size and all, and he doesn’t weigh much really.
Can’t remember where we went after that, but we ended up on this roof somewhere in the bit of Kaon that’s kinda like the Towers, but, uh, not. Really not.
I have no fraggin’ idea how I got us up there. Maybe I flew? Probably not in alt mode though. But yeah, we went up there to watch the fliers go past or some slag like that. Perving on seekers? I dunno. Kinda drowned my databanks that night, even the clearer bits are fuzzy.
I remember talking about thrusters, and the merits of different kinds of helm for when you just gotta hang on to someone. And something about engine revs and resonant frequencies and all kinds of slag that only really makes sense when you’re so overcharged you’re crackling.
It follows that we had to find a way to work off some of that excess energy. But I can’t remember.
Ha! Yeah, you were expecting some hot copter on jeep action, weren’t you?
Tough. Go ask Swindle, maybe he knows.
Woke up the next day in a cell. Yep, the both of us. Processor ache of the vorn, and Onslaught standing outside the energon bars with this look on his face like I was really gonna regret whatever the pit we’d done.
He wore a mask, even back then, but I could always tell when I was in the slag. That look was vicious.
So, yeah, what had we done? Got monumentally slagfaced, in all likelihood fragged very loudly, thrown up, and passed out. And all on top of the slaggin’ Senatorial Court.
Yeah. Smart move there.
Took me a while to work off that fine. Only slightly longer than it took for the processor ache and the nausea to wear off. But only ‘cause the mark had skipped out on us and vanished offworld.
Still, he was fun to hunt.
And as for Swindle, I still dunno if we fragged or what. And there’s no way I’m asking him. Lying, deceitful, avaricious heap of slag that he is. Heh.
But yeah, he got let out too. Didn’t see him for a while after that, and then it was all business.
Probably for the best, all things considered.