.everything i've ever said, and everything i ever saw
You know the ‘silence of the world’, as Billy Corgan once nasally sang about. You have always felt that the opening line of Muzzle (“I fear that I am ordinary, just like everyone”) was more a response to people who put him on a pedestal rather than an expression of inner doubt. That interpretation fits nicely into how you view yourself these days; though you might have garnered the earnest admiration of certain people, you want them to know: you are ordinary, just like them. The things that they see in you that they admire so greatly are things that can be achieved by anyone, given the right mix of determination and willingness to look unflinchingly within.
As you write the words immediately previous to this sentence, you are thinking about how to transition into what you want to write. You have been dealing, internally, with a couple of (to you) troubling issues - the Last Casualty, and the Politics of Personality at the office. The LC loves you, but is drained by the extremity of passion you exhibit. The players in the Political game seem to think you too brash, too loud, too proud - in short too strong. At least that’s the way you see it. So you sit, and you think. The ‘problem’ has cropped up in two places of late, so what can you do to understand your examination of the situation? Your thoughts run somewhat like this:
Achievement… in love and in life… can come about a myriad of different ways for different people…………..passion…… passivity……. looking at it one way, there is a dichotomous variable….. passion on one side, passivity on the other…. maleness…….. femininity….. direct aggression vs. indirect aggression…… the dichotomy is one where people generally use one more than the other, possibly along gender lines….. you tend towards passion….. everything you have you fought for………………………… career………………….love……………………….loss………………………………..victory……………….hope……………….everything you have you fought for, and sometimes that clouds your ability to see that others come to their achievements without blood, without fire; some sail along, with a calm expression and a calm heart, without strife…….. how hard is it for you to recognize this is the way lots of people (most people?) make their way through life? …………. how hard is it for them to see you and understand why you are the way you are?..... can the two ever be reconciled?...........yes………no……..yes, absolutely, they can……… but you have to give up. you have to give up conceit, and feelings of superiority about the usefulness of particular positions…… maybe the only people who can reconcile them are the people who wouldn’t need to reconcile them in the first place…..
Your life has been extra-ordinary. Blessed, cursed, and won. You know that conflict is your natural state. You also have learned that the state of affairs you are used to is not common territory between you and many of your current peers. You are a warrior in a land of pacifists. Perhaps not that hyperbolic, but maybe for a select few involved in your life. It is those few, ultimately, who will decide the timbre and the tonnage of the discourse that constitutes your life, your love, your work. Those few, plus you. Of late, you have become more calm in many things - there is little to fight in any way these days. But the fights that exist exist for a reason. Will you continue your path of pacifism (and in some ways, passivity) or will you try to blend the approaches, learning that though you may be alone in your experiences, you mustn’t be alone in your victories. You don’t need to be liked by everyone, but you surely must attend to those who see you as undeserving. You are unafraid, but you do not know what comes next. Time, and text, will tell.
As you write the words immediately previous to this sentence, you are thinking about how to transition into what you want to write. You have been dealing, internally, with a couple of (to you) troubling issues - the Last Casualty, and the Politics of Personality at the office. The LC loves you, but is drained by the extremity of passion you exhibit. The players in the Political game seem to think you too brash, too loud, too proud - in short too strong. At least that’s the way you see it. So you sit, and you think. The ‘problem’ has cropped up in two places of late, so what can you do to understand your examination of the situation? Your thoughts run somewhat like this:
Achievement… in love and in life… can come about a myriad of different ways for different people…………..passion…… passivity……. looking at it one way, there is a dichotomous variable….. passion on one side, passivity on the other…. maleness…….. femininity….. direct aggression vs. indirect aggression…… the dichotomy is one where people generally use one more than the other, possibly along gender lines….. you tend towards passion….. everything you have you fought for………………………… career………………….love……………………….loss………………………………..victory……………….hope……………….everything you have you fought for, and sometimes that clouds your ability to see that others come to their achievements without blood, without fire; some sail along, with a calm expression and a calm heart, without strife…….. how hard is it for you to recognize this is the way lots of people (most people?) make their way through life? …………. how hard is it for them to see you and understand why you are the way you are?..... can the two ever be reconciled?...........yes………no……..yes, absolutely, they can……… but you have to give up. you have to give up conceit, and feelings of superiority about the usefulness of particular positions…… maybe the only people who can reconcile them are the people who wouldn’t need to reconcile them in the first place…..
Your life has been extra-ordinary. Blessed, cursed, and won. You know that conflict is your natural state. You also have learned that the state of affairs you are used to is not common territory between you and many of your current peers. You are a warrior in a land of pacifists. Perhaps not that hyperbolic, but maybe for a select few involved in your life. It is those few, ultimately, who will decide the timbre and the tonnage of the discourse that constitutes your life, your love, your work. Those few, plus you. Of late, you have become more calm in many things - there is little to fight in any way these days. But the fights that exist exist for a reason. Will you continue your path of pacifism (and in some ways, passivity) or will you try to blend the approaches, learning that though you may be alone in your experiences, you mustn’t be alone in your victories. You don’t need to be liked by everyone, but you surely must attend to those who see you as undeserving. You are unafraid, but you do not know what comes next. Time, and text, will tell.