ouran: episode 33: this is our ouran family
cathy: asdfa;s
this morning i was thinking of reel to reel movies
like the old machines
jackie: yeahh
cathy: i don't know
catching on fire or something
anyway
continue
jackie: crying what
cathy: i don't know why I even said that
jackie: i
what?
cathy: never mind
jackie: are you high
cathy: pretend i didn't say anything
no!!
jackie: fjhdskf i like how you're like
"continue"
me: i... was done..
cathy: dying
i think we are the most insane pair online ever.
jackie: quite surely
Later on in this conversation Jackie and I decided that we needed to write the second season of Ouran the way we would want to see it, i.e. the way Bones and Bisco would never allow. She's doing episode 28. I picked 33, for reasons that should be obvious to people who understand Japanese superstitions about birthdays.
Ouran High School Host Club Episode 33: This Is Our Ouran Family
how to have a baby, host club style. 3000+ words.
On Monday they have to turn the customers away early because Kyouya gets possessed by some maniacal succubus that Nekozawa lost control of after summoning. Then they discover it is actually some sort of ancient fertility goddess. Regardless, the twins tie Kyouya up with some curtains, and Honey and Mori aim a kick in perfect sync at the back of Kyouya's perfectly groomed head. That ends the possession nicely, even if Kyouya is knocked out. The entire host club except for Haruhi sneaks out before Kyouya can wake up and be mad.
"Your first mistake," the twins tell Nekozawa later, aiming their flashlights in his face and grinning, "was telling that demon to go to the King of Shadows."
Everyone agrees.
*
A month later, Kyouya, in the middle of selling a photobook collecting the year's worth of costumes, turns green and excuses himself abruptly to go to the bathroom. When he comes back, his face is wet and he's rubbing his mouth with the back of his hand. Tamaki falters in mid-sentence, and there is a sort of hushed silence that falls over the music room when Kyouya finally stands up straight. "Find Nekozawa," he snarls. "Immediately."
The twins frogmarch a whimpering Nekozawa in a few minutes later. Kyouya kicks out the entire host club with its customers, locks the door, and jams the doorknob with a chair to top it all off. The twins are disappointed. Tamaki does his best to console all of the girls, but it's Haruhi who calms them all down when she smiles and tells them that Kyouya-senpai has a little bit of business to handle today, would they mind coming back tomorrow? And so it's just the hosts when Kyouya finally takes down the barricade and storms out, white and shaking with rage. Nekozawa is in a tiny frightened heap in one corner of the music room. Thankfully, everything else is unharmed.
"Kyouya, what's wrong?" Tamaki asks, unfolding himself from where he'd been whining about divorce and being left in the dark.
"The demon made me pregnant," Kyouya says flatly. There's a silence that lasts until Kyouya's reached the end of the hallway. "Excuse me. I need to telephone my father." He disappears downstairs.
*
By the time he reappears upstairs, the information has already been wormed out of Nekozawa, the shock has already passed, and the host club is showing sympathy in their own special way. Honey has already dressed up Usa-chan and Kuma-chan in a little pink dress and a little blue outfit respectively. Mori, apparently the father, is sitting gamely on the couch, one stuffed animal in each arm, staring ahead vacantly as Honey tries to feed cake to the pretend babies. Haruhi is trying to coax Tamaki out from under the table, where he is hiding from Kyouya. The twins are on Kyouya's computer, checking up reports and urban myths about pregnant men while looking up pictures of the Schwarzenegger film. "It's Couvades!" Hikaru exclaims just as Kyouya enters the room, but Kaoru snipes at him, "Stupid, he'd need a pregnant wife for Couvades."
Haruhi is the first one to actually notice his presence. "Look, Tamaki-senpai. It's Kyouya-senpai. He doesn't look scary, now does he?"
Tamaki whimpers, "He's going to name it Damien. And then the baby's nanny will hang herself. And then Kyouya is going to be pushed off a building and die."
"What is he talking about," Kyouya asks, slightly irritated.
With a sigh, Haruhi gets up from the floor and brushes off her pants. "Chairman Suou made Tamaki watch The Omen when he was younger." Kyouya squints, but can't make heads or tails of the statement anyway. "It's a horror movie about the Antichrist," Haruhi explains.
"Tamaki, I am not pregnant with the Antichrist."
Tamaki slaps his hands over his ears and starts wailing. "No! It's the demon in you talking! What have you done with Mother! Bring him back!" Haruhi has to put drag Tamaki out from under the table so he doesn't knock it over and hurt himself.
"Ahh, just what we need," Hikaru says from the other side of the room. "More evil in Kyouya."
"Or more evil from Kyouya," Kaoru amends, twirling a pen and frowning. He stabs a finger at the laptop screen. "Is that the pregnant Schwarzenegger?"
"Gross," the twins chime together.
Kyouya gives the entire room a long-suffering glare. "I have a headache," he says finally. "And I need to vomit. Again."
While Kyouya is in the bathroom, Tamaki crawls into a fetal position on the couch, and Haruhi hits him on the head with a pillow. "Listen," she says firmly, holding the pillow somewhat threateningly over Tamaki's head, "Get a hold of yourself. Kyouya-senpai is having a crisis." Tamaki whimpers some more, and Haruhi reluctantly hits him on the head again. "Now, whenever you are in a crisis, is Kyouya-senpai there for you?"
"Of course," Tamaki mumbles, slightly offended. "Since we are family."
"So," Haruhi says, drawing out the word, "now that Kyouya-senpai needs your support, what should you do?"
"He's not in a crisis!" Tamaki wails, flailing his arm and dropping the cushion on the floor. "He is pregnant!"
The twins: "I think that is a crisis, milord."
Honey: "I hope it's going to be a boy."
Mori: "Un."
Tamaki: "It's not going to be a boy! It's going to be a demon! With a number birthmark."
Haruhi picks the pillow up from the floor and combs her fingers through the tassels. Tamaki quiets down after the twins stop laughing, starts muttering to himself and tugging at his hair. "Tamaki-senpai," she says finally, soft and serious. "I don't know why, but even when you're irresponsible, Kyouya-senpai follows you. It's your turn this time. He's going to need your help. He'll need someone to help him with all his responsibilities. Just think about it." She stares for a while at Tamaki's back, the way he's curled up on the couch. Then she gets up and starts packing her bag to go.
After a long while, Kyouya comes back into the music room. He smells a little sour and looks sick, but he smiles at Haruhi when she excuses herself. "Be careful," she says, and he tells her he will.
Just as she opens the door, Tamaki springs up from the couch, exuberant. "I've got it!" Tamaki announces triumphantly, making wild uninterpretable gestures with both hands.
"What?" Kyouya and Haruhi ask, automatic.
Tamaki rushes forward and grabs Kyouya's hand. He has a brilliant eureka smile that is usually followed by a statement like all we have to do is ship in an elephant from Africa. Haruhi grabs the doorknob warily, waiting to flee. "Kyouya! We have to get married! That way I can take responsibility for you!" For a minute he looks derailed, and then he continues, "I will ask your father today! I will buy a ring tomorrow!"
"Oh my god," Kyouya moans, putting his free hand to his forehead. "Haruhi, what did you say to him?"
*
Ootori Yoshio ends up having a hard time understanding what his son is telling him. "Let me try to understand you," he says after he takes a minute to digest the information. "You don't need the ultrasound for someone else. You need it for you."
Kyouya nods, just once, tersely. He's sitting, facing his father. Tamaki is, for unfathomable reasons, standing behind Kyouya, his hand on the back of the chair, attempting to stay serious and silent and not cower. Haruhi is making more tea. The twins are gone, and Mori and Honey have wandered off to search for their siblings.
"You were possessed by a fertility goddess. And now you are pregnant, by at least a month."
Kyouya nods again. Ootori gets up from his seat, which causes Kyouya stand as well, and they stare at each other for a while. Tamaki mumbles, "Don't hit him, it'll hurt the baby," but even he has nothing to say when Ootori puts his hand heavily on Kyouya's shoulder.
"Well," Ootori says, closing his eyes. "I always wanted to be a grandfather."
"Oh," Kyouya says, stunned.
"Except of course I was expecting Fuyumi to be first and, well, only person to get pregnant."
"We still have to get an ultrasound to confirm it," Kyouya solemnly reminds him.
"We will do that tomorrow then!" Tamaki exclaims. He has recovered and is pumping Ootori's hand joyously, to the confusion of everyone else. "I can't wait to see our baby."
"It's not yours," Kyouya snaps. "We're not getting married!"
"What are you saying, we're already married, Mother," Tamaki beams.
"I hope it's a boy," Ootori says absently, accepting the tea Haruhi hands him with a nod.
*
Tamaki shows up at in Kyouya's examination room with a diamond ring, a bouquet of red roses with baby's breath, and his father.
"Ootori! I didn't realize you were going to be here!" Suou Yuzuru says, smiling and pumping Ootori's hand like his son did yesterday.
"Nor I, you," Ootori says neutrally, and eyes the flowers that are hiding Tamaki. "This is...?"
"Get out right now," Kyouya hisses furiously at the flowers from the examination bed. "How did you even figure out where I was?"
"Don't be silly, Kyouya," Tamaki says, putting the roses down next to Kyouya and going in for a nuzzle. "I'm going to be the father of your child. Of course I'll know where you are. Look, I even bought you a ring. You shouldn't wear it now, though-- I hear pregnancy makes your fingers swell."
Ootori and Suou exchange looks of interest. "Did you hear about this?" Suou asks, and sits himself down in a chair. Ootori pulls his chair up next to him, and together they cross their legs and watch their sons bicker.
"I think someone may have alluded to this engagement yesterday," Ootori admits, and winces a bit when Kyouya tries to kick Tamaki away from him.
"I suppose I'm here to give my blessing," Suou says. He taps his fingers on his knee, contemplating. "On the one hand," he murmurs, "they are both boys. And your son is pregnant with another woman's child."
"Hmm," Ootori agrees.
"On the other hand, it would cement an, ah, unstoppable alliance, shall we say."
"We are thinking of expanding into other industries," Ootori demurs, wrinkling his forehead in thought. "And this way Kyouya won't have to marry, say, that Houshakuji girl."
"Ah, I didn't know they were still engaged."
"I keep all options open. Especially those in other countries."
"Speaking of which--" Suou begins, but he's interrupted by Kyouya calling out in a loud voice for a nurse. When one shows up, terrified, Kyouya demands a scalpel and threatens to cut the baby out of his body himself if Tamaki doesn't get out of the room right now.
"You can't! We have to raise it with love and affection and give it siblings!" Tamaki cries, holding onto Kyouya for dear life. Kyouya hits him on the head, hard. Tamaki doesn't let go.
"Also self-abortion is dangerous," Ootori adds, uncrossing his legs and standing up. Suou starts laughing, hand held up to hide his mouth, which makes Kyouya even more furious. Ootori peers out the door, watching the nurse run from their room straight into the doctor. "And I think they're here with the ultrasound machine."
*
As the doctor sets up the machine and spreads gel on Kyouya's flat, unfeminine stomach, Tamaki hovers by the screen. The doctor is too polite to throw Tamaki out of the room, especially when Tamaki insists he is the father. "You are not involved in this!" Kyouya keeps telling him angrily, and when Tamaki protests, he says, "We are not married."
Eventually the doctor tells Kyouya to take a deep breath. "It'll probably be a little cold," he says, and Tamaki grabs onto Kyouya's hand, watching the ultrasound screen in anticipation.
"You're hurting my hand," Kyouya says, grimacing, but Tamaki just holds on tighter, and Kyouya can't shake him off. The doctor puts the transducer against Kyouya's stomach and shifts it around, eyeing the screen, humming a pop song almost imperceptibly to himself.
After a while, Suou turns to Ootori, leaning on his chin. "For the wedding. We will have to get Kyouya a nice wig. No one likes a bride with short hair."
"We are planning this far already?" Ootori says in surprise, and then, after considering, comments, "My wife will want to decide the china pattern."
"She has very fine taste," Suou says, nodding.
"Oh Father," Tamaki says indulgently, still continuing to watch the screen with religious fervor, despite not seeing anything but white smudges against a black background. "Kyouya doesn't need a wig. I like him better with short hair."
"I'm begging all of you, stop talking," Kyouya says through gritted teeth. "I'm pregnant and you're thinking about my hair."
Just at this moment, the doctor clears his throat. Everyone's attention shifts instantaneously, and he looks embarrassed as he removes the transducer. "Actually, Ootori-kun, I don't think you're pregnant," he says, as if this were bad news.
The silence explodes in the room, and it's a very long time before Kyouya finally blurts out, "What?"
The doctor takes off his gloves and tells the nurse to start wiping down Kyouya's stomach. Kyouya waves her away and sits up in the bed, and Tamaki very quickly tells him not to make too many sudden movements, it might scare the baby. The doctor powers down the ultrasound and, after clearing his throat again, gives Kyouya a very odd look. "Well, if you were pregnant," he says hesitatingly, "you're certainly not now. Unless it's a ghost fetus."
This, Kyouya realizes immediately, is the wrong thing to say when Tamaki is in the room. "You lost the baby?" Tamaki whispers, still clutching Kyouya's hand in a vice-like grip, turning his eyes mournfully towards Kyouya. "Oh, Kyouya," he cries, "Our first child, and it's already gone! It was probably the trauma of you driving here."
Kyouya ignores him and snaps at the doctor, "No, wait. I have nausea and a headache. I vomit everything I ingest. I feel weak on my feet, and my body temperature is too hot internally. Also, I was possessed by a fertility goddess last month, and I swear something just kicked in my abdomen, so are you absolutely sure?"
The nurses take the opportunity to wipe off his stomach and pull down his shirt. The doctor looks at Kyouya dubiously, and then turns to Ootori Yoshio. "I can do a full check up, Mr. Ootori," he says deferentially, throwing his gloves in a trashcan. "I'll take a urine sample and poke around, but as far as I'm concerned, I don't think your son is pregnant."
"Don't worry, Kyouya," Tamaki prattles on, oblivious. "We'll give it a proper funeral. We can always try again later. Maybe we can have twins next time!"
"Doctor," Kyouya says in exasperation, "I have cravings."
"On second thought," Tamaki says anxiously, patting Kyouya's hand, "maybe not twins."
Suou Yuzuru glances at Ootori Yoshio, then reaches in his pocket for a cigarette. He offers Ootori one, lights it for him, and then lights his own. Inhaling deeply, he lets the smoke out with his words as he says contemplatively and a little teasingly, "Tell me, Ootori, what's worse-- a son who's pregnant, or a son who thinks he's pregnant?"
Ootori groans and puffs his cigarette in turn. "This was a disaster. Don't ask anything until you can offer me alcohol. A good hard whiskey."
As if to answer, Kyouya vomits on the floor, and Tamaki has to drag him to the bathroom sink. "Maybe the next one will be a girl," Tamaki asks, and Kyouya retorts, "What makes you think this one was a boy?"
*
The next day Kyouya cancels host club activities early, which assures everyone there that he is either pregnant or insane. He hasn't told them about the ultrasound appointment yesterday. The twins have drawn up a list of baby names that includes Mojojojo, Evil Baby, and Beelzebub. Kyouya threatens to vomit on them and they leave him alone for the rest of the afternoon. Honey has brought some baby catalogues and is cutting out pictures and sticking them ceremoniously on Mori, who seems to be able to tell what they are by shape alone. Haruhi pronounces them, as usual, completely incomprehensible.
"Haruhi!" Tamaki calls out after Kyouya has rejected all his offers to massage Kyouya's not swollen feet. "Give me some commoner's advice on getting people pregnant."
"Ha?" Confused, Haruhi points to Kyouya's stomach, which is admirably flat as always. "Isn't Kyouya-senpai already pregnant?"
Tamaki opens his mouth just as Kyouya's cell phone rings. He answers it immediately after the first ring, and narrows his eyes when the nurse on the other end tells him that it's the hospital calling. "Yes?" he says, testy, and Haruhi and Tamaki flinch instinctively.
"We ran all the tests, and we're happy to say you're not pregnant," the nurse says. She has a chirpy voice and Kyouya feels like strangling her. "The doctor says he thinks you probably have the stomach flu. You should take care to drink lots of fluids and rest."
"And you are sure? About the pregnancy?" Kyouya demands, his hand and cell phone trembling.
"Quite sure," says the nurse.
"Thank you," Kyouya says, and hangs up.
The rest of the afternoon is spent hunting down Nekozawa and engaging in some ancient detecting ritual that involves the host club trying to find a rabbit to hop in the center of a pentagram on one foot (Tamaki: "I know! We will use Usa-chan!"). Nekozawa finally informs them that Kyouya indeed does not possess any hint of darkness to him (the twins: "That's wrong. Do it again.") and maybe he was a bit too quick to jump to conclusions? Haruhi has to try to convince Kyouya not to kill him (the twins: "Impossible. He is now a dead man.") or to order the private police to secretly off Nekozawa on his way home (Kyouya: "Fine. Mori and Honey can do it."). The twins don't stop laughing until two hours later, when they run out of breath and feel faintly nauseous. Then Kyouya tries to eat a cucumber sandwich only to run into the bathroom again, and the twins start up for another half an hour. While Kyouya vomits into a toilet bowl, Tamaki turns to Haruhi with an excited look on his face. "What if we get Nekozawa to try summoning the demon again? Maybe the child will stay this time."
"Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi deadpans, "I don't think there was actually a baby in the first place."
Tamaki waves her off. "Kyouya was quite thrilled at the prospect of being a real mommy. I wouldn't want our marriage to be a failure. Haruhi, you have to prepare for being an older sister. Oh, and don't worry-- we'll love you the same even though you're adopted," he concludes, and runs off to get Nekozawa again before Haruhi can stop him.
*
Meanwhile, Suou compares his composite sketch of Kyouya and Tamaki's children with Ootori's. "Ah, you're probably right about the chins," he says wisely, squinting at the bar napkin. "I did make them too round."
"Why do they look like your son at all?" Ootori inquires while ordering another glass of whiskey. "His genes are not involved."
Suou snorts. "You have a pregnant son, and you are trying to appeal to me with logic."
"I can't believe I'm a grandfather at my age." Ootori sniffs experimentally, then gives up on being emotional while somewhat smashed. "Though I suppose it's about time for Fuyumi to have a child as well."
"We will have to be good friends, for the sake of our grandchild," Suou puts in.
They toast to that.
THE END.
A/N: This story is 140% for Jackie, who not only ordered me to write it but also wrote probably half of the dialogue herself during our gtalk conversation (in return, of course, for me helping her figure out what Jean-Pierre thinks of the hostbu). It is also 60% for Cait, who I don't actually know nor have I ever talked with her, but as she is the spiritual mother of la_foule, I feel like I owe her.
this morning i was thinking of reel to reel movies
like the old machines
jackie: yeahh
cathy: i don't know
catching on fire or something
anyway
continue
jackie: crying what
cathy: i don't know why I even said that
jackie: i
what?
cathy: never mind
jackie: are you high
cathy: pretend i didn't say anything
no!!
jackie: fjhdskf i like how you're like
"continue"
me: i... was done..
cathy: dying
i think we are the most insane pair online ever.
jackie: quite surely
Later on in this conversation Jackie and I decided that we needed to write the second season of Ouran the way we would want to see it, i.e. the way Bones and Bisco would never allow. She's doing episode 28. I picked 33, for reasons that should be obvious to people who understand Japanese superstitions about birthdays.
Ouran High School Host Club Episode 33: This Is Our Ouran Family
how to have a baby, host club style. 3000+ words.
On Monday they have to turn the customers away early because Kyouya gets possessed by some maniacal succubus that Nekozawa lost control of after summoning. Then they discover it is actually some sort of ancient fertility goddess. Regardless, the twins tie Kyouya up with some curtains, and Honey and Mori aim a kick in perfect sync at the back of Kyouya's perfectly groomed head. That ends the possession nicely, even if Kyouya is knocked out. The entire host club except for Haruhi sneaks out before Kyouya can wake up and be mad.
"Your first mistake," the twins tell Nekozawa later, aiming their flashlights in his face and grinning, "was telling that demon to go to the King of Shadows."
Everyone agrees.
*
A month later, Kyouya, in the middle of selling a photobook collecting the year's worth of costumes, turns green and excuses himself abruptly to go to the bathroom. When he comes back, his face is wet and he's rubbing his mouth with the back of his hand. Tamaki falters in mid-sentence, and there is a sort of hushed silence that falls over the music room when Kyouya finally stands up straight. "Find Nekozawa," he snarls. "Immediately."
The twins frogmarch a whimpering Nekozawa in a few minutes later. Kyouya kicks out the entire host club with its customers, locks the door, and jams the doorknob with a chair to top it all off. The twins are disappointed. Tamaki does his best to console all of the girls, but it's Haruhi who calms them all down when she smiles and tells them that Kyouya-senpai has a little bit of business to handle today, would they mind coming back tomorrow? And so it's just the hosts when Kyouya finally takes down the barricade and storms out, white and shaking with rage. Nekozawa is in a tiny frightened heap in one corner of the music room. Thankfully, everything else is unharmed.
"Kyouya, what's wrong?" Tamaki asks, unfolding himself from where he'd been whining about divorce and being left in the dark.
"The demon made me pregnant," Kyouya says flatly. There's a silence that lasts until Kyouya's reached the end of the hallway. "Excuse me. I need to telephone my father." He disappears downstairs.
*
By the time he reappears upstairs, the information has already been wormed out of Nekozawa, the shock has already passed, and the host club is showing sympathy in their own special way. Honey has already dressed up Usa-chan and Kuma-chan in a little pink dress and a little blue outfit respectively. Mori, apparently the father, is sitting gamely on the couch, one stuffed animal in each arm, staring ahead vacantly as Honey tries to feed cake to the pretend babies. Haruhi is trying to coax Tamaki out from under the table, where he is hiding from Kyouya. The twins are on Kyouya's computer, checking up reports and urban myths about pregnant men while looking up pictures of the Schwarzenegger film. "It's Couvades!" Hikaru exclaims just as Kyouya enters the room, but Kaoru snipes at him, "Stupid, he'd need a pregnant wife for Couvades."
Haruhi is the first one to actually notice his presence. "Look, Tamaki-senpai. It's Kyouya-senpai. He doesn't look scary, now does he?"
Tamaki whimpers, "He's going to name it Damien. And then the baby's nanny will hang herself. And then Kyouya is going to be pushed off a building and die."
"What is he talking about," Kyouya asks, slightly irritated.
With a sigh, Haruhi gets up from the floor and brushes off her pants. "Chairman Suou made Tamaki watch The Omen when he was younger." Kyouya squints, but can't make heads or tails of the statement anyway. "It's a horror movie about the Antichrist," Haruhi explains.
"Tamaki, I am not pregnant with the Antichrist."
Tamaki slaps his hands over his ears and starts wailing. "No! It's the demon in you talking! What have you done with Mother! Bring him back!" Haruhi has to put drag Tamaki out from under the table so he doesn't knock it over and hurt himself.
"Ahh, just what we need," Hikaru says from the other side of the room. "More evil in Kyouya."
"Or more evil from Kyouya," Kaoru amends, twirling a pen and frowning. He stabs a finger at the laptop screen. "Is that the pregnant Schwarzenegger?"
"Gross," the twins chime together.
Kyouya gives the entire room a long-suffering glare. "I have a headache," he says finally. "And I need to vomit. Again."
While Kyouya is in the bathroom, Tamaki crawls into a fetal position on the couch, and Haruhi hits him on the head with a pillow. "Listen," she says firmly, holding the pillow somewhat threateningly over Tamaki's head, "Get a hold of yourself. Kyouya-senpai is having a crisis." Tamaki whimpers some more, and Haruhi reluctantly hits him on the head again. "Now, whenever you are in a crisis, is Kyouya-senpai there for you?"
"Of course," Tamaki mumbles, slightly offended. "Since we are family."
"So," Haruhi says, drawing out the word, "now that Kyouya-senpai needs your support, what should you do?"
"He's not in a crisis!" Tamaki wails, flailing his arm and dropping the cushion on the floor. "He is pregnant!"
The twins: "I think that is a crisis, milord."
Honey: "I hope it's going to be a boy."
Mori: "Un."
Tamaki: "It's not going to be a boy! It's going to be a demon! With a number birthmark."
Haruhi picks the pillow up from the floor and combs her fingers through the tassels. Tamaki quiets down after the twins stop laughing, starts muttering to himself and tugging at his hair. "Tamaki-senpai," she says finally, soft and serious. "I don't know why, but even when you're irresponsible, Kyouya-senpai follows you. It's your turn this time. He's going to need your help. He'll need someone to help him with all his responsibilities. Just think about it." She stares for a while at Tamaki's back, the way he's curled up on the couch. Then she gets up and starts packing her bag to go.
After a long while, Kyouya comes back into the music room. He smells a little sour and looks sick, but he smiles at Haruhi when she excuses herself. "Be careful," she says, and he tells her he will.
Just as she opens the door, Tamaki springs up from the couch, exuberant. "I've got it!" Tamaki announces triumphantly, making wild uninterpretable gestures with both hands.
"What?" Kyouya and Haruhi ask, automatic.
Tamaki rushes forward and grabs Kyouya's hand. He has a brilliant eureka smile that is usually followed by a statement like all we have to do is ship in an elephant from Africa. Haruhi grabs the doorknob warily, waiting to flee. "Kyouya! We have to get married! That way I can take responsibility for you!" For a minute he looks derailed, and then he continues, "I will ask your father today! I will buy a ring tomorrow!"
"Oh my god," Kyouya moans, putting his free hand to his forehead. "Haruhi, what did you say to him?"
*
Ootori Yoshio ends up having a hard time understanding what his son is telling him. "Let me try to understand you," he says after he takes a minute to digest the information. "You don't need the ultrasound for someone else. You need it for you."
Kyouya nods, just once, tersely. He's sitting, facing his father. Tamaki is, for unfathomable reasons, standing behind Kyouya, his hand on the back of the chair, attempting to stay serious and silent and not cower. Haruhi is making more tea. The twins are gone, and Mori and Honey have wandered off to search for their siblings.
"You were possessed by a fertility goddess. And now you are pregnant, by at least a month."
Kyouya nods again. Ootori gets up from his seat, which causes Kyouya stand as well, and they stare at each other for a while. Tamaki mumbles, "Don't hit him, it'll hurt the baby," but even he has nothing to say when Ootori puts his hand heavily on Kyouya's shoulder.
"Well," Ootori says, closing his eyes. "I always wanted to be a grandfather."
"Oh," Kyouya says, stunned.
"Except of course I was expecting Fuyumi to be first and, well, only person to get pregnant."
"We still have to get an ultrasound to confirm it," Kyouya solemnly reminds him.
"We will do that tomorrow then!" Tamaki exclaims. He has recovered and is pumping Ootori's hand joyously, to the confusion of everyone else. "I can't wait to see our baby."
"It's not yours," Kyouya snaps. "We're not getting married!"
"What are you saying, we're already married, Mother," Tamaki beams.
"I hope it's a boy," Ootori says absently, accepting the tea Haruhi hands him with a nod.
*
Tamaki shows up at in Kyouya's examination room with a diamond ring, a bouquet of red roses with baby's breath, and his father.
"Ootori! I didn't realize you were going to be here!" Suou Yuzuru says, smiling and pumping Ootori's hand like his son did yesterday.
"Nor I, you," Ootori says neutrally, and eyes the flowers that are hiding Tamaki. "This is...?"
"Get out right now," Kyouya hisses furiously at the flowers from the examination bed. "How did you even figure out where I was?"
"Don't be silly, Kyouya," Tamaki says, putting the roses down next to Kyouya and going in for a nuzzle. "I'm going to be the father of your child. Of course I'll know where you are. Look, I even bought you a ring. You shouldn't wear it now, though-- I hear pregnancy makes your fingers swell."
Ootori and Suou exchange looks of interest. "Did you hear about this?" Suou asks, and sits himself down in a chair. Ootori pulls his chair up next to him, and together they cross their legs and watch their sons bicker.
"I think someone may have alluded to this engagement yesterday," Ootori admits, and winces a bit when Kyouya tries to kick Tamaki away from him.
"I suppose I'm here to give my blessing," Suou says. He taps his fingers on his knee, contemplating. "On the one hand," he murmurs, "they are both boys. And your son is pregnant with another woman's child."
"Hmm," Ootori agrees.
"On the other hand, it would cement an, ah, unstoppable alliance, shall we say."
"We are thinking of expanding into other industries," Ootori demurs, wrinkling his forehead in thought. "And this way Kyouya won't have to marry, say, that Houshakuji girl."
"Ah, I didn't know they were still engaged."
"I keep all options open. Especially those in other countries."
"Speaking of which--" Suou begins, but he's interrupted by Kyouya calling out in a loud voice for a nurse. When one shows up, terrified, Kyouya demands a scalpel and threatens to cut the baby out of his body himself if Tamaki doesn't get out of the room right now.
"You can't! We have to raise it with love and affection and give it siblings!" Tamaki cries, holding onto Kyouya for dear life. Kyouya hits him on the head, hard. Tamaki doesn't let go.
"Also self-abortion is dangerous," Ootori adds, uncrossing his legs and standing up. Suou starts laughing, hand held up to hide his mouth, which makes Kyouya even more furious. Ootori peers out the door, watching the nurse run from their room straight into the doctor. "And I think they're here with the ultrasound machine."
*
As the doctor sets up the machine and spreads gel on Kyouya's flat, unfeminine stomach, Tamaki hovers by the screen. The doctor is too polite to throw Tamaki out of the room, especially when Tamaki insists he is the father. "You are not involved in this!" Kyouya keeps telling him angrily, and when Tamaki protests, he says, "We are not married."
Eventually the doctor tells Kyouya to take a deep breath. "It'll probably be a little cold," he says, and Tamaki grabs onto Kyouya's hand, watching the ultrasound screen in anticipation.
"You're hurting my hand," Kyouya says, grimacing, but Tamaki just holds on tighter, and Kyouya can't shake him off. The doctor puts the transducer against Kyouya's stomach and shifts it around, eyeing the screen, humming a pop song almost imperceptibly to himself.
After a while, Suou turns to Ootori, leaning on his chin. "For the wedding. We will have to get Kyouya a nice wig. No one likes a bride with short hair."
"We are planning this far already?" Ootori says in surprise, and then, after considering, comments, "My wife will want to decide the china pattern."
"She has very fine taste," Suou says, nodding.
"Oh Father," Tamaki says indulgently, still continuing to watch the screen with religious fervor, despite not seeing anything but white smudges against a black background. "Kyouya doesn't need a wig. I like him better with short hair."
"I'm begging all of you, stop talking," Kyouya says through gritted teeth. "I'm pregnant and you're thinking about my hair."
Just at this moment, the doctor clears his throat. Everyone's attention shifts instantaneously, and he looks embarrassed as he removes the transducer. "Actually, Ootori-kun, I don't think you're pregnant," he says, as if this were bad news.
The silence explodes in the room, and it's a very long time before Kyouya finally blurts out, "What?"
The doctor takes off his gloves and tells the nurse to start wiping down Kyouya's stomach. Kyouya waves her away and sits up in the bed, and Tamaki very quickly tells him not to make too many sudden movements, it might scare the baby. The doctor powers down the ultrasound and, after clearing his throat again, gives Kyouya a very odd look. "Well, if you were pregnant," he says hesitatingly, "you're certainly not now. Unless it's a ghost fetus."
This, Kyouya realizes immediately, is the wrong thing to say when Tamaki is in the room. "You lost the baby?" Tamaki whispers, still clutching Kyouya's hand in a vice-like grip, turning his eyes mournfully towards Kyouya. "Oh, Kyouya," he cries, "Our first child, and it's already gone! It was probably the trauma of you driving here."
Kyouya ignores him and snaps at the doctor, "No, wait. I have nausea and a headache. I vomit everything I ingest. I feel weak on my feet, and my body temperature is too hot internally. Also, I was possessed by a fertility goddess last month, and I swear something just kicked in my abdomen, so are you absolutely sure?"
The nurses take the opportunity to wipe off his stomach and pull down his shirt. The doctor looks at Kyouya dubiously, and then turns to Ootori Yoshio. "I can do a full check up, Mr. Ootori," he says deferentially, throwing his gloves in a trashcan. "I'll take a urine sample and poke around, but as far as I'm concerned, I don't think your son is pregnant."
"Don't worry, Kyouya," Tamaki prattles on, oblivious. "We'll give it a proper funeral. We can always try again later. Maybe we can have twins next time!"
"Doctor," Kyouya says in exasperation, "I have cravings."
"On second thought," Tamaki says anxiously, patting Kyouya's hand, "maybe not twins."
Suou Yuzuru glances at Ootori Yoshio, then reaches in his pocket for a cigarette. He offers Ootori one, lights it for him, and then lights his own. Inhaling deeply, he lets the smoke out with his words as he says contemplatively and a little teasingly, "Tell me, Ootori, what's worse-- a son who's pregnant, or a son who thinks he's pregnant?"
Ootori groans and puffs his cigarette in turn. "This was a disaster. Don't ask anything until you can offer me alcohol. A good hard whiskey."
As if to answer, Kyouya vomits on the floor, and Tamaki has to drag him to the bathroom sink. "Maybe the next one will be a girl," Tamaki asks, and Kyouya retorts, "What makes you think this one was a boy?"
*
The next day Kyouya cancels host club activities early, which assures everyone there that he is either pregnant or insane. He hasn't told them about the ultrasound appointment yesterday. The twins have drawn up a list of baby names that includes Mojojojo, Evil Baby, and Beelzebub. Kyouya threatens to vomit on them and they leave him alone for the rest of the afternoon. Honey has brought some baby catalogues and is cutting out pictures and sticking them ceremoniously on Mori, who seems to be able to tell what they are by shape alone. Haruhi pronounces them, as usual, completely incomprehensible.
"Haruhi!" Tamaki calls out after Kyouya has rejected all his offers to massage Kyouya's not swollen feet. "Give me some commoner's advice on getting people pregnant."
"Ha?" Confused, Haruhi points to Kyouya's stomach, which is admirably flat as always. "Isn't Kyouya-senpai already pregnant?"
Tamaki opens his mouth just as Kyouya's cell phone rings. He answers it immediately after the first ring, and narrows his eyes when the nurse on the other end tells him that it's the hospital calling. "Yes?" he says, testy, and Haruhi and Tamaki flinch instinctively.
"We ran all the tests, and we're happy to say you're not pregnant," the nurse says. She has a chirpy voice and Kyouya feels like strangling her. "The doctor says he thinks you probably have the stomach flu. You should take care to drink lots of fluids and rest."
"And you are sure? About the pregnancy?" Kyouya demands, his hand and cell phone trembling.
"Quite sure," says the nurse.
"Thank you," Kyouya says, and hangs up.
The rest of the afternoon is spent hunting down Nekozawa and engaging in some ancient detecting ritual that involves the host club trying to find a rabbit to hop in the center of a pentagram on one foot (Tamaki: "I know! We will use Usa-chan!"). Nekozawa finally informs them that Kyouya indeed does not possess any hint of darkness to him (the twins: "That's wrong. Do it again.") and maybe he was a bit too quick to jump to conclusions? Haruhi has to try to convince Kyouya not to kill him (the twins: "Impossible. He is now a dead man.") or to order the private police to secretly off Nekozawa on his way home (Kyouya: "Fine. Mori and Honey can do it."). The twins don't stop laughing until two hours later, when they run out of breath and feel faintly nauseous. Then Kyouya tries to eat a cucumber sandwich only to run into the bathroom again, and the twins start up for another half an hour. While Kyouya vomits into a toilet bowl, Tamaki turns to Haruhi with an excited look on his face. "What if we get Nekozawa to try summoning the demon again? Maybe the child will stay this time."
"Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi deadpans, "I don't think there was actually a baby in the first place."
Tamaki waves her off. "Kyouya was quite thrilled at the prospect of being a real mommy. I wouldn't want our marriage to be a failure. Haruhi, you have to prepare for being an older sister. Oh, and don't worry-- we'll love you the same even though you're adopted," he concludes, and runs off to get Nekozawa again before Haruhi can stop him.
*
Meanwhile, Suou compares his composite sketch of Kyouya and Tamaki's children with Ootori's. "Ah, you're probably right about the chins," he says wisely, squinting at the bar napkin. "I did make them too round."
"Why do they look like your son at all?" Ootori inquires while ordering another glass of whiskey. "His genes are not involved."
Suou snorts. "You have a pregnant son, and you are trying to appeal to me with logic."
"I can't believe I'm a grandfather at my age." Ootori sniffs experimentally, then gives up on being emotional while somewhat smashed. "Though I suppose it's about time for Fuyumi to have a child as well."
"We will have to be good friends, for the sake of our grandchild," Suou puts in.
They toast to that.
THE END.
A/N: This story is 140% for Jackie, who not only ordered me to write it but also wrote probably half of the dialogue herself during our gtalk conversation (in return, of course, for me helping her figure out what Jean-Pierre thinks of the hostbu). It is also 60% for Cait, who I don't actually know nor have I ever talked with her, but as she is the spiritual mother of la_foule, I feel like I owe her.