if aja can do this, so can i
Continued from here. There's a whole background story in here about how Robert, Cobb's Team minus Cobb, and Saito spent 50 years in limbo being silly and crazy and now Saito is Robert's father figure, but you can just... sort of assume that... yourself....
The Further Education of Robert Fischer (By Corporate Espionagers With Good Taste)
A month later they find Robert reading a book on grout. "Is this for the new house in the Hamptons?" Eames asks innocently, because Robert hates people with houses in the Hamptons, and when Robert does nothing but make a strangled, distracted noise of protest, Eames turns to the others in horror. "Quick," Eames exclaims, "someone pull out their totem. I think Robert's a projection."
"I told you to stop making those awful jokes about floor coverings," Arthur hisses.
"I wouldn't have to make them, darling, if you were just nice to me," Eames quips back.
Ariadne steps on his foot.
*
"I think," Yusuf ventures, tentative over his slice of mushroom pizza, "someone should tell Robert that we don't talk about floor coverings except as euphemisms." He pauses, then adds helpfully, "You know. For Eames' penis."
Arthur almost spit-takes on Yusuf's face. "Yusuf, you're becoming as negligent about propriety as Eames," he says, wiping his mouth with efficient little gestures that make Ariadne want to tear her cloth napkin into pieces.
"I did explain this to him already," Ariadne points out. "In fact, I explained it to him in this exact pizza parlor."
"Robert is adorably slow on the uptake," Eames says.
"He's actually slow on pretty much everything," Arthur snaps. "The last time we went into his dream, he took a full minute to properly create a table."
"He's just learning. Daddy's little boy, never had to do anything for himself, you know how it is. Go a little easy on him, that's a good fellow," Eames says jovially, patting Arthur on the back. Arthur gives him a look that can only be kindly described as murderous, but Eames doesn't seem to see it.
Ariadne steps on his foot.
"Ow!" Yusuf yelps, then turns to stare at Ariadne, hurt. "What was that for?"
"Nothing," she says as she hastily shoves another piece of pizza in his mouth. "Wrong foot."
*
Ariadne suggests they be more concrete about it. Eames suggests he just show Robert his "linoleum". Yusuf suggests they get Cobb to incept the idea. Arthur suggests they consult a reference book.
"Of what?" Eames asks blankly. "I didn't realize Robert came with a manual."
Three hours later, Saito finds all four of them in the parenting section of the library. "I thought you entrusted Robert's upbringing to me," he says, amused. "Am I not doing a good enough job?"
"See," Arthur exclaims triumphantly from further down the row. "I told you, parents are supposed to correctly identify sexual genitalia at a young age to foster a sense of openness and honesty."
"Trust me, darling, I've tried my best to help Robert identify the correct sexual genitalia," Eames' smarmy voice sounds from two aisles down. There's a grunt of pain, and it continues, "Ariadne, can you step on the other foot next time. I bumped that one against the door the other day."
"Oh," Saito sighs. "This is about the linoleum again."
*
The next time they all meet, they find Robert explaining the correct way to lay down bathroom tile to a confused Cobb, who throws them all a pleading look.
"What are the chances that he's touched bathroom tiles with anything but his bare feet," Eames whispers to Yusuf.
"About as good as the chances Arthur is ever going to let you touch his tiles," Yusuf whispers back, and ducks the slap on the head.
"Ariadne has to teach Arthur the architecture of the second level today," Cobb says. "Robert, you have forging training with Eames. Yusuf and I are going to work on how to break the encryption system-- we're pretty certain the secret's in a computer this time."
"You have to do something," Ariadne mutters to Eames as they pretend to prepare the PASIV devices. "He asked me just a minute ago if I knew the difference between ceramic and porcelain tiles. You're the one who started this. You end it."
Eames' dream space is a posh minimalistic apartment today. "Oooh," Robert sighs appreciatively. "I have a leather couch much like this at home. Whose apartment is this?"
"Arthur's," Eames says with a shrug. "Or modeled off of Arthur's anyway. Don't create environments from your memories and so on."
"Very admirable," Robert says, already sitting down on the couch and eying the coffee table with similar delight. "I'd love to take him furniture shopping with me. He's better than the interior designer I hired to do the lakehouse. Do you think Arthur would mind?"
Eames thinks about this for a minute. Then, he says, very slowly, "Robert, how would you like to see Arthur's linoleum?"
*
"I really don't understand why we had to bring him here," Arthur hisses as he sets Eames' whisky angrily on the very nice coffee table in front of Eames' knees. He does the same with Ariadne's herbal tea, Yusuf's coke, and Saito's scotch and soda. Even still, he doesn't spill a drop.
"We only wanted to tell you how wonderful your interior decorating skills are, darling," Eames murmurs.
"Arthur!" Robert shouts agitatedly from the kitchen. "You don't even have linoleum!"
Eames snorts so hard he almost chokes. Ariadne thuds him on the back and gives Arthur a look that basically says, fix this now.
Arthur sighs. "Robert, when a man really loves a woman--" he begins, pointedly not wringing his hands as he makes his way to the kitchen, and that's when Saito says loudly over him, "This is some very nice carpeting work, Arthur."
Arthur takes a minute to process this sentence. It seems very difficult, even though it mostly consists of vague adjectives and his own name. "Yes," he manages. "I had it put in for me especially."
"I'm sure you did," Eames whispers. "To avoid me putting in my linoleum."
Ariadne steps on his foot, his left one this time.
Bing:
I OFFICIALLY LOVE FLOOR JOKES
Cathy:
WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL THIEN. "I CAN'T WRITE FIC. I CAN ONLY MAKE JOKES ABOUT FLOOR COVERINGS. YOU KNOW. AS EUPHEMISMS FOR EAMES' PENIS."
Aja:
i picture arthur getting so frustrated that he installs actual linoleum just to make robert happy
Cathy:
a;dlskfj; Robert considers linoleum in the lakehouse because ARTHUR IS DOING IT and Saito is like D: NO. LINOLEUM IS DISGUSTING.
Bing:
god imagine ariadne trying to explain to fischer. THEY HAVE LINOLEUM, she points. YOU HAVE LINOLEUM, she gestures. BUT I, she emphasizes, DON'T HAVE LINOLEUM. robert thinks hard about this and snaps his fingers. DO YOU WANT LINOLEUM, ARIADNE? I CAN BUY SOME FOR YOU
maybe they should just force cobb to have the talk with fischer. he has kids; he'll have to do it sometime anyway
Cathy:
cobb is hilariously bad at it. he can't even get past the opening lines. he agrees with yusuf. they should just incept him.
Bing:
alksdjfasldkf COBB'S ANSWER TO EVERYTHING IS INCEPTION.
WHO GAVE YOU THIS IDEA, EVERYONE DEMANDS. COBB JUST PULLS AT HIS SHIRT COLLAR.
Cathy:
saito wants to hire the team to do a counter-inception. everyone is like ._. poor robert. meanwhile robert doesn't understand why he is getting turned on by his kitchen floor
Bing:
aldskjfalskj eames's solution to all this: ALL RIGHT, ONE PERSON WILL JUST HAVE TO TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM AND SLEEP WITH ROBERT. he selflessly nominates himself
Aja:
Arthur is like, >:E and then takes Robert away for a "guy's night out, just the two of them" because Eames is a corrupting influence and Robert needs a strong male role model
Bing:
because obviously cobb isn't providing that for him, either.
saito and cobb can bicker over who's doing the worse job
Cathy:
cobb is like completely confused as to how this became a pissfight over who was the better fake daddy. meanwhile arthur and robert just go... tie shopping.......
Aja:
ROBERT WANTS TO BUY MATCHING TIES :D
Cathy:
Arthur like clumsily tries to bribe Robert with matching ties to get Robert to stop asking about floor coverings. Robert thinks Arthur doesn't want to be his friend anymore because Robert doesn't understand anything about floor coverings. DDDDDDDDD: all around. Arthur blames Eames.
Aja:
arthur and robert have a little too much to drink; arthur drags robert back to the pizza parlour and hands robert to eames and is like, WILL YOU JUST EXPLAIN IT. BUT FIRST LET ME LEAVE THE ROOM.
Cathy:
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LINOLEUM ANYMORE THAN I HAVE TO." Robert is like I GET IT NOW ARTHUR :D :D :D YOU CAN JUST SAY PENIS.
arthur swears he's never going to take robert anywhere public ever again
The Further Education of Robert Fischer (By Corporate Espionagers With Good Taste)
A month later they find Robert reading a book on grout. "Is this for the new house in the Hamptons?" Eames asks innocently, because Robert hates people with houses in the Hamptons, and when Robert does nothing but make a strangled, distracted noise of protest, Eames turns to the others in horror. "Quick," Eames exclaims, "someone pull out their totem. I think Robert's a projection."
"I told you to stop making those awful jokes about floor coverings," Arthur hisses.
"I wouldn't have to make them, darling, if you were just nice to me," Eames quips back.
Ariadne steps on his foot.
*
"I think," Yusuf ventures, tentative over his slice of mushroom pizza, "someone should tell Robert that we don't talk about floor coverings except as euphemisms." He pauses, then adds helpfully, "You know. For Eames' penis."
Arthur almost spit-takes on Yusuf's face. "Yusuf, you're becoming as negligent about propriety as Eames," he says, wiping his mouth with efficient little gestures that make Ariadne want to tear her cloth napkin into pieces.
"I did explain this to him already," Ariadne points out. "In fact, I explained it to him in this exact pizza parlor."
"Robert is adorably slow on the uptake," Eames says.
"He's actually slow on pretty much everything," Arthur snaps. "The last time we went into his dream, he took a full minute to properly create a table."
"He's just learning. Daddy's little boy, never had to do anything for himself, you know how it is. Go a little easy on him, that's a good fellow," Eames says jovially, patting Arthur on the back. Arthur gives him a look that can only be kindly described as murderous, but Eames doesn't seem to see it.
Ariadne steps on his foot.
"Ow!" Yusuf yelps, then turns to stare at Ariadne, hurt. "What was that for?"
"Nothing," she says as she hastily shoves another piece of pizza in his mouth. "Wrong foot."
*
Ariadne suggests they be more concrete about it. Eames suggests he just show Robert his "linoleum". Yusuf suggests they get Cobb to incept the idea. Arthur suggests they consult a reference book.
"Of what?" Eames asks blankly. "I didn't realize Robert came with a manual."
Three hours later, Saito finds all four of them in the parenting section of the library. "I thought you entrusted Robert's upbringing to me," he says, amused. "Am I not doing a good enough job?"
"See," Arthur exclaims triumphantly from further down the row. "I told you, parents are supposed to correctly identify sexual genitalia at a young age to foster a sense of openness and honesty."
"Trust me, darling, I've tried my best to help Robert identify the correct sexual genitalia," Eames' smarmy voice sounds from two aisles down. There's a grunt of pain, and it continues, "Ariadne, can you step on the other foot next time. I bumped that one against the door the other day."
"Oh," Saito sighs. "This is about the linoleum again."
*
The next time they all meet, they find Robert explaining the correct way to lay down bathroom tile to a confused Cobb, who throws them all a pleading look.
"What are the chances that he's touched bathroom tiles with anything but his bare feet," Eames whispers to Yusuf.
"About as good as the chances Arthur is ever going to let you touch his tiles," Yusuf whispers back, and ducks the slap on the head.
"Ariadne has to teach Arthur the architecture of the second level today," Cobb says. "Robert, you have forging training with Eames. Yusuf and I are going to work on how to break the encryption system-- we're pretty certain the secret's in a computer this time."
"You have to do something," Ariadne mutters to Eames as they pretend to prepare the PASIV devices. "He asked me just a minute ago if I knew the difference between ceramic and porcelain tiles. You're the one who started this. You end it."
Eames' dream space is a posh minimalistic apartment today. "Oooh," Robert sighs appreciatively. "I have a leather couch much like this at home. Whose apartment is this?"
"Arthur's," Eames says with a shrug. "Or modeled off of Arthur's anyway. Don't create environments from your memories and so on."
"Very admirable," Robert says, already sitting down on the couch and eying the coffee table with similar delight. "I'd love to take him furniture shopping with me. He's better than the interior designer I hired to do the lakehouse. Do you think Arthur would mind?"
Eames thinks about this for a minute. Then, he says, very slowly, "Robert, how would you like to see Arthur's linoleum?"
*
"I really don't understand why we had to bring him here," Arthur hisses as he sets Eames' whisky angrily on the very nice coffee table in front of Eames' knees. He does the same with Ariadne's herbal tea, Yusuf's coke, and Saito's scotch and soda. Even still, he doesn't spill a drop.
"We only wanted to tell you how wonderful your interior decorating skills are, darling," Eames murmurs.
"Arthur!" Robert shouts agitatedly from the kitchen. "You don't even have linoleum!"
Eames snorts so hard he almost chokes. Ariadne thuds him on the back and gives Arthur a look that basically says, fix this now.
Arthur sighs. "Robert, when a man really loves a woman--" he begins, pointedly not wringing his hands as he makes his way to the kitchen, and that's when Saito says loudly over him, "This is some very nice carpeting work, Arthur."
Arthur takes a minute to process this sentence. It seems very difficult, even though it mostly consists of vague adjectives and his own name. "Yes," he manages. "I had it put in for me especially."
"I'm sure you did," Eames whispers. "To avoid me putting in my linoleum."
Ariadne steps on his foot, his left one this time.
Bing:
I OFFICIALLY LOVE FLOOR JOKES
Cathy:
WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL THIEN. "I CAN'T WRITE FIC. I CAN ONLY MAKE JOKES ABOUT FLOOR COVERINGS. YOU KNOW. AS EUPHEMISMS FOR EAMES' PENIS."
Aja:
i picture arthur getting so frustrated that he installs actual linoleum just to make robert happy
Cathy:
a;dlskfj; Robert considers linoleum in the lakehouse because ARTHUR IS DOING IT and Saito is like D: NO. LINOLEUM IS DISGUSTING.
Bing:
god imagine ariadne trying to explain to fischer. THEY HAVE LINOLEUM, she points. YOU HAVE LINOLEUM, she gestures. BUT I, she emphasizes, DON'T HAVE LINOLEUM. robert thinks hard about this and snaps his fingers. DO YOU WANT LINOLEUM, ARIADNE? I CAN BUY SOME FOR YOU
maybe they should just force cobb to have the talk with fischer. he has kids; he'll have to do it sometime anyway
Cathy:
cobb is hilariously bad at it. he can't even get past the opening lines. he agrees with yusuf. they should just incept him.
Bing:
alksdjfasldkf COBB'S ANSWER TO EVERYTHING IS INCEPTION.
WHO GAVE YOU THIS IDEA, EVERYONE DEMANDS. COBB JUST PULLS AT HIS SHIRT COLLAR.
Cathy:
saito wants to hire the team to do a counter-inception. everyone is like ._. poor robert. meanwhile robert doesn't understand why he is getting turned on by his kitchen floor
Bing:
aldskjfalskj eames's solution to all this: ALL RIGHT, ONE PERSON WILL JUST HAVE TO TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM AND SLEEP WITH ROBERT. he selflessly nominates himself
Aja:
Arthur is like, >:E and then takes Robert away for a "guy's night out, just the two of them" because Eames is a corrupting influence and Robert needs a strong male role model
Bing:
because obviously cobb isn't providing that for him, either.
saito and cobb can bicker over who's doing the worse job
Cathy:
cobb is like completely confused as to how this became a pissfight over who was the better fake daddy. meanwhile arthur and robert just go... tie shopping.......
Aja:
ROBERT WANTS TO BUY MATCHING TIES :D
Cathy:
Arthur like clumsily tries to bribe Robert with matching ties to get Robert to stop asking about floor coverings. Robert thinks Arthur doesn't want to be his friend anymore because Robert doesn't understand anything about floor coverings. DDDDDDDDD: all around. Arthur blames Eames.
Aja:
arthur and robert have a little too much to drink; arthur drags robert back to the pizza parlour and hands robert to eames and is like, WILL YOU JUST EXPLAIN IT. BUT FIRST LET ME LEAVE THE ROOM.
Cathy:
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LINOLEUM ANYMORE THAN I HAVE TO." Robert is like I GET IT NOW ARTHUR :D :D :D YOU CAN JUST SAY PENIS.
arthur swears he's never going to take robert anywhere public ever again