cynical realizations
I've realized some things lately... many that are cynical. So I offer a disclaimer that you might be offended or something like that, I'm sorry if you are - I want your comments if you are or if you aren't or whatever. Just a glimpse inside my head.
I realized why alcohol bothers me. It affects my dad's life so much. Most of my uncles lives were changed by it, and one of my uncles was killed by it's effects on his body (before I knew him). It has such a role in my dad's life in that he drinks it so much. Such a role, in that one night last year, after he had a 'few drinks' he passed out behind the wheel and *luckily* went into a ditch, and someone called the police. That he almost got a DUI but was able to get it to a public drunkenness charge. That after not drinking for a bit, he is right back where he was, having a 'few drinks'. That I love him so much. I see alcohol as such an evil, because it hurts this great awesome guy that I love so so much. And I suppose somewhere inside it bothers me when friends don't give it the respect that it deserves - the reality that it deserves. I don't care if friends drink, but I realized this weekend that somewhere inside it affects me. Because when friends drink, they take this substance that hurts so many people and use it for fun, for relaxation - casually. I guess it's just, for me it's either you don't touch it, or it affects your life a lot. It scares me when I am feeling down and think 'maybe drinking would help me relax.' It scares me that I could fall into the alcoholism that runs in my veins, and it hurts to see people treat alcohol with such high spirits when it does such harm. But I want to be with people when they drink, because I want to be with friends and I want to be there for them. But how can people treat alcohol like fun, like games, when it's not?!? I know that I have a tainted view of it, and I don't think any less of people who do drink - but this all crosses my mind.
I also realized that I'm pretty frustrated with society. With how self-centered society is. That doesn't exclude myself - keep that in mind for sure. Just sitting back and thinking, how many people hurt, how many people are left with nothing. While other people remain so ignorant of them, and go on living without a care or go on living more focused on themselves than on the people that are in need. It really bothers me to sit in class, to go play hockey, to go worship - while so many people have so little. I could be out there, doing something, just living with them in their truth and pain and working with them. Building houses, making meals, playing foosball. It makes me want to drop school and just go out into the world. I feel restless and frustrated about that. I think a lot of it is because of the truth I saw this summer at Henderson, in that community.
I went to Carleton with Emmy and Anne tonight to see Mel White speak, the guy who runs SoulForce, a Christian GLBT organization/advocacy group. He spoke at a chapel service there, and he said the same thing I hear everywhere. Jesus loves gay people as they are. Scripture says this, doesn't say that, etc. And it's frustrating, because that's just what everyone else says. Jesus loves gay people, I believe that. And believe whatever you want about the Bible - but say something else, go deeper into the subject instead of these arguments that just go in circles. These arguments haven't gone anywhere, haven't solved problems or crossed divides. Something has to change.
Emmy had some interesting things to say - about why she quit GLOW. She felt like GLOW encouraged stereotypes too much, like they pushed being odd, wearing leather, whatever. And that matching those stereotypes isn't going to gain acceptance and make people see homosexuals differently. If you identify with the stereotype, then do that and be who you are. But she felt like a lot of people were trying to fit themselves into the stereotype and get attention.
Dom Helder Camara was a priest in Brazil who was big on Liberation theology and the issue of poverty. When he decided he wanted to be a priest, someone told him that he better know what he was getting into - that he would be giving himself up to live for God and for others. He said that was exactly what he wanted. That's what I want, and I am anxious for it - I don't want to wait here at school or at seminary. I want to dive in and give myself up to service. I am restless and furious at the same time.
It is my fear and feeling that the church is falling away from this "for God and for others" idea, and I hesitate to go into the church. I don't want to go into an institution that might just make me feel tied down again. But then again, it needs change. I don't know what to do.
I could give money - but that frustrates me too. Action means so much more than money. It means so much more to be with people and work with them, than to give them money and forget them. I wish I could drop everything and go to the gulf coast for months.
But I have a biomechanics test on Friday.
I'm sorry that you've all become the victim of my rant. Love you guys.
I realized why alcohol bothers me. It affects my dad's life so much. Most of my uncles lives were changed by it, and one of my uncles was killed by it's effects on his body (before I knew him). It has such a role in my dad's life in that he drinks it so much. Such a role, in that one night last year, after he had a 'few drinks' he passed out behind the wheel and *luckily* went into a ditch, and someone called the police. That he almost got a DUI but was able to get it to a public drunkenness charge. That after not drinking for a bit, he is right back where he was, having a 'few drinks'. That I love him so much. I see alcohol as such an evil, because it hurts this great awesome guy that I love so so much. And I suppose somewhere inside it bothers me when friends don't give it the respect that it deserves - the reality that it deserves. I don't care if friends drink, but I realized this weekend that somewhere inside it affects me. Because when friends drink, they take this substance that hurts so many people and use it for fun, for relaxation - casually. I guess it's just, for me it's either you don't touch it, or it affects your life a lot. It scares me when I am feeling down and think 'maybe drinking would help me relax.' It scares me that I could fall into the alcoholism that runs in my veins, and it hurts to see people treat alcohol with such high spirits when it does such harm. But I want to be with people when they drink, because I want to be with friends and I want to be there for them. But how can people treat alcohol like fun, like games, when it's not?!? I know that I have a tainted view of it, and I don't think any less of people who do drink - but this all crosses my mind.
I also realized that I'm pretty frustrated with society. With how self-centered society is. That doesn't exclude myself - keep that in mind for sure. Just sitting back and thinking, how many people hurt, how many people are left with nothing. While other people remain so ignorant of them, and go on living without a care or go on living more focused on themselves than on the people that are in need. It really bothers me to sit in class, to go play hockey, to go worship - while so many people have so little. I could be out there, doing something, just living with them in their truth and pain and working with them. Building houses, making meals, playing foosball. It makes me want to drop school and just go out into the world. I feel restless and frustrated about that. I think a lot of it is because of the truth I saw this summer at Henderson, in that community.
I went to Carleton with Emmy and Anne tonight to see Mel White speak, the guy who runs SoulForce, a Christian GLBT organization/advocacy group. He spoke at a chapel service there, and he said the same thing I hear everywhere. Jesus loves gay people as they are. Scripture says this, doesn't say that, etc. And it's frustrating, because that's just what everyone else says. Jesus loves gay people, I believe that. And believe whatever you want about the Bible - but say something else, go deeper into the subject instead of these arguments that just go in circles. These arguments haven't gone anywhere, haven't solved problems or crossed divides. Something has to change.
Emmy had some interesting things to say - about why she quit GLOW. She felt like GLOW encouraged stereotypes too much, like they pushed being odd, wearing leather, whatever. And that matching those stereotypes isn't going to gain acceptance and make people see homosexuals differently. If you identify with the stereotype, then do that and be who you are. But she felt like a lot of people were trying to fit themselves into the stereotype and get attention.
Dom Helder Camara was a priest in Brazil who was big on Liberation theology and the issue of poverty. When he decided he wanted to be a priest, someone told him that he better know what he was getting into - that he would be giving himself up to live for God and for others. He said that was exactly what he wanted. That's what I want, and I am anxious for it - I don't want to wait here at school or at seminary. I want to dive in and give myself up to service. I am restless and furious at the same time.
It is my fear and feeling that the church is falling away from this "for God and for others" idea, and I hesitate to go into the church. I don't want to go into an institution that might just make me feel tied down again. But then again, it needs change. I don't know what to do.
I could give money - but that frustrates me too. Action means so much more than money. It means so much more to be with people and work with them, than to give them money and forget them. I wish I could drop everything and go to the gulf coast for months.
But I have a biomechanics test on Friday.
I'm sorry that you've all become the victim of my rant. Love you guys.