Like two strangers turning into dust...
So, im cleaning up my life. Deleting stupid phone numbers, deleting people from my LJ and myspace. I dont have time in my life for stupid motherfuckers. So some funny shit, Brian did message me on myspace. After 2 years of not talking, this is how it went down: B=Brian R=Rose
B=how goes it?
R=lol. Thats all you have to say? I'm better now that I know youre alive.
B=sorry. i got more to say. thats just all that would come out at that time. ya. i am alive. going through some things right now. how have you been?
R=I'm okay. I could be better, I too am going through some things but am hopefull that things will get better :) I'm trying to be postive. Lets cut all this small talk. Why have you ignored me all these years? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you contacted me. Ive thought about you from time to time. A lot lately more than usuall. Didnt know where you went to. I didnt know who you had become. You left me...in the dark.
B=i am married. i have a 14 month old son. thats kinda where i went off to. i too have been thinking about you a little more that usual lately.
R=I understand all of that. Things just dont make sence. You and I were getting close again. I was planning on visiting you and you went to Las Vegas, you called me at like 4am drunk and god knows what else telling me that you loved me and when you were with your girlfriend all you could do was think about me and only me. Then, i dont hear from you for weeks. And you text me by saying things like how I mean nothing to you because I live so far away and that you need someone who is close and right there with you. I was right there with you. Maybe not physically but I was really trying to work on that. Then a year later you message me on AIM saying really odd things like how you wanted to fuck my ass and blah blah blah. Everything that you communicated to me AFTER Las Vegas just didnt seem like you. I was worried it was drugs and even for a while I was convinced it wasnt even you who I was talking to. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I need closure in the sence that I want to know what happened between us. I dont know if you have ever checked out my old LJ but I still blog in it and I always say about how you were the karma in my life. When we were together I felt like I broke your heart and felt shitty about a lot of things (as you know in the letter I wrote you years ago). And in return, you broke my heart. Pure Karma and it saddens me.
B=...i dont k now what to say. to be completely honest with you. i love my wife. i love my son. i am lost without them. you did break my heart after i went out there a second time to visit you. and i think after that i just didnt know what to do anymore until i met my wife. we have been married for almost 2 years. its wonderful.. no matter what though. you will always be on my mind from time to time. i do have a personal request from you though. i would like it if you could send me some pictures of yourself on my phone. some naughty ones to be truthful. i wanna see your titties and your pussy. take a pic of you spreading your pussy and send it to me. so i can beat off to it. i still remember you sucking my cock. it felt so good...
R=why would you think i would do those things for you? you never talked to me like that before. This isnt you. Or better yet, I dont know you anymore. I'm baffled but relieved in a sence that thanks to your crudness, i have found the closure I needed.
This is what I needed though. Because I'm done. I always told myself to be strong with Brian, not to fall again. There is no way I can now. Not only does this closure help me but it also makes me a little more lonlier than ever. I once thought that Brian was the only person who treated me well and respected me and made me feel loved. I realize now that it wasnt like that. Now there is no one I can really look at and say, "That person made me feel so good about myself". He showered me with gifts and cute girly shit that I love. he gave me attention that no one else seemed to have. And now its all a lie. And it meant nothing. When will it be my time? My time for someone to love me as much as I do them? I look at all the pitiful relationships and encounters with guys and its a fuckin joke. My masochist relationship with a 40 year old drunk, forceful married asshole at the age of 20 (TONY-who could forget him?). jimmy, bouncer chad, rich, all those guys who were married or had girlfriends. Jesus, my first kiss and make out session was when I was 15 with a married 27 year old. How fuckin pathetic am I? I think about Brian and I and it was a total joke. He lived in San Diego at the time and I lived in PA. It was too much. And then there is Chad. I loved every moment with him but we only concentrated on our physical relationship. I feel an emotional connection with him but its different. When we were together it was all about fucking. We fucked all day every time I visited him..lol but so much more was lacking. I wanted so much more but was afraid because I felt he didnt so I never forced it.
I became an angry drunk for like an hour at the PIG on Friday. So much on my mind about this Brian shit that I well, became angry. Aggggh. Fuck em All.