Go watch The Rules of Attraction
"Took a charter flight on a DC-10 to London, landed at
Gatwick, took a bus to the center, called a friend from
school who was selling hash, but she wasn't in. So I
wandered around until it started to rain, then took a subway
back to the friend's house and hung out there for four or
five days. Saw the changing of the guards at Buckingham
Palace. Ate a grapefruit next to the Thames River, which
reminded me a lot of the cover of that Pink Floyd album.
Wrote my mom a postcard I never sent. Bought some speed from
an Italian guy I bumped into. Smoked a lot of hash that had
too much tobacco in it. Took a ferry and then a bus to
Dingle, Ireland where I drank too much Guiness Stout after
eating spaghetti and threw it all up in front of a movie
theater just as people were walking out. Stayed in a hostel
but the assholes that worked there made me collect peat moss
for the fire so I got a room in a bed-and-breakfast. Went to
Dublin. It rained a lot, it was expensive, so I split for
Amsterdam. There was someone playing saxophone at Central
Station, which was kind of pretty. Stayed with some friends
in someone's basement. Smoked a lot of hash in Amsterdam
too, but lost most of my stash in some museum. The museums
were cool, I guess. Lots of Van Goghs and the Vermeers were
intense. Wandered around, bought a lot of pastries, ate some
intense waffles. The Dutch all know English so I didn't have
to speak any Dutch, which was a relief. Wanted to rent a car
but couldn't. The people I was staying with had bikes
though, so I went biking one day and I saw a lot of cows and
geese and canals. I pulled off to the side of the road, got
stoned and fell asleep, woke up, wrote a little, took some
acid, made a few drawings, and then went to the red light
district in Den Haag, because I heard the whores are cleaner
and better looking than the whores in Amsterdam -- which they
were. I fucked one so hard that I skinned my knees. Ate
lunch at a Burger King, which was better and no more
expensive than the States. Stayed in the Amsterdam Youth
Hostel where there were some cool German guys who spoke
better English than I do. We bought some coke and I cruised
the red light district until I found a brunette with big tits
that reminds me of KJ. I gave her a hundred Guilders. She
worked me up, mounted me, put on a good show, and in the end
she pulled me out and I came between her tits -- even though
I’m wearing a rubber. Afterward we made small talk about
AIDS, her Moroccan pimp, and herself. I wake to the sound of
a wino singing. It is eight AM and hot as blazes. Had a
beer and then headed South to Paris. Climbed the Eifel Tower
with this Canadian guy named Tim for only seven Francs
because the ticket machine was broke. Got the hang of the
Subways. Told Tim to get lost. Met a French girl who’s
going to Camden. I think she gave me mono. Went to Pamplona
for the running of the bulls. Never saw one bull but I
almost got trampled by the crowd. Dropped acid at the Museo
Gala-Dalí, which was a trip. Went to the lamest circus ever,
a goat and two guys on unicycles. Went to Nice and ate
Mexican food at a place called Calexico -- or Mexicali. Then
went to Switzerland where I, ironically, couldn’t find anyone
who had the time. Took the Glacier Express to Zermatt, the
Matterhorn, and found out that I could ski it, which, when
you’re there, you have to do -- but I didn’t have gloves so I
used socks instead and froze my hands. It was slushy but
fun. Ate some Sourdough bread that tasted like it was made
with sour milk. Eurail Pass’d into Italy and accidently
slept through Florence. Ended up in Rome which was big and
hot and dirty. It was just like L.A., but with ruins. I
went to the Vatican but couldn’t get in because I was wearing
shorts. I could get into the Sistine Chapel, which now that
it’s been cleaned looked fake. At the train station I met
two girls from Germany who I drank warm beer with. They’re
living for a full year on only nine dollars a day. I tease
them and then turn the couchette into a huge bed and we all
fuck. I wake dirty and tired in Brindisi, which is hot and
filthy. I go with the German girls to get a ferry to Greece,
but we have to take different boats because I’m on Eurail and
they’re on Interail. On the ferry to Corfu I meet three
American girls and a guy from Turkey who used the word
"nigger" constantly. This offends the American girls and I
use it to my advantage. When we get to Corfu the girls and I
ditch the Turkish guy and rent a house on the beach together.
I dry hump one of the girls, whose name I think was Sue. I
wake to Sue’s fat face and go off on my own to get wasted.
When I stumble back I make out with Sue for a while until she
tells me that I’m being cold to her. So I leave again and
get drunk on Ouzo and the waiters break plates onto my head.
When I get back that night Sue is asleep and I go skinny
dipping with her friend out to some rocks. We sit on the
rocks for a while and then she grabs my dick and we start to
make out. She calls me Mr. L.A. I come close to fucking her
but she says she can’t because she’s engaged, which is
bullshit. I leave the next morning before they get up and
take the ferry back to Italy. On the train I meet some Dutch
guys. We started drinking heavily. The Dutch guys seem like
fags to me. I got so drunk I couldn’t see and exchanged my
shirt with one of them. In Venice I try to fart and instead
shit my pants. Back in my hotel I masturbate and have a pain
in my groin. That night I dream about a beautiful girl half
in water, stretching her lean body. She asks me if I like it
and I tell her she could clean fish with it. I wake well
rested, masturbate in shower, and check out. I make my way
back to London and hang out in Piccadilly Circus at a comic
book shop. I meet a cute girl from Amsterdam at a Whimpys
while eating a Spicy Bean Burger. She’s an Oreo with a
diamond in her front tooth. We get stoned and fuck at her
flat to Michael Jackson records and the next morning I wake
up talking to myself. I have a big bump on my head from
flailing in my sleep. I get my stuff and barely make my
plane back to the United States. I no longer know who I am
and feel like the ghost of a total stranger."