don't compromise yourself, you're the only one you've got.
Anything Less Than Mad Love Is A Waste Of Your Time
by Leah S. Castaneda
One of the most recently released movies that have perhaps hit home
(cringe!), so to speak, is the low budget "Dream for an Insomniac" starring
Ione Skye and Jennifer Aniston. The lead actor used to be a child star but
unfortunately, the movies, which catapulted him to fame, have already
slipped my mind. Try to rent a copy of this movie not because of the talent
of those who starred in it but because of the dialogue. One of those lines
which bore a hole in my heart was, and I quote (not verbatim, though):
"I don't want to be sixty years old and married to my second-best choice,
wondering what ever happened to the one who got away."
This is just one of the two great lines in that movie. I'll tell you what
the other one is later. Meantime, let me concentrate on this line -- the
line that sends chills down your spine once you decide to spend more than
five seconds thinking about it.
Have you ever wondered what it must feel like married to the one you
settled on? This truly gives me great feelings of anxiety. It might be
difficult to accept the word "settle" because it conjures up images of
quasi-happiness and half-hearted glee. Yes, there is some sort of
satisfaction and perhaps, some feeling of security that can be derived from
such a partnership but I wonder, could there be anything more?
To settle is to ultimately accept what is within reach, what is available,
what is there. To settle is to convince one's self that the decision about
to be made is inevitable, realistic, and safe. To settle is to risk not
ever being truly happy because one decides to adopt the worst type of
bahala na (laisse'z faire) attitude on life's greatest challenges. And
settling is a sorry consequence of the passage of time. Yes, time can be
the balm that soothes open, painful wounds in one's heart but it can also
be that dark force that manipulates one?s mind into thinking and believing
that the choice one has made is the best choice... the only choice. What
time does, and I'm sure you'll agree, is it lodges one's mind and heart in
a cage with the door partly open -- with the promise of a better life
losing its appeal over the reality of the present, the convenient, and the
routine. Time also pressures one into selecting a suitor or spouse because
'wala nang iba' (there is no one else) and 'nagmamadali na ako' (I'm in a
hurry) and there, 'puwede na rin.' (It?ll do).
The wickedness of "settling" is not one way. It also eventually hurts the
one who was chosen because in all respects, the truth will surface. You no
doubt realize that you just wasted each other's time and emotions. But then
again, if your spouse chose you not because he or she "settled," then
forget about the win-win situation you were gunning for.
Frankie (Ione Skye) delivered that line when she was deciding whether or
not to do everything possible to win David Shrader's heart. David happened
to be involved with someone else. He was attracted to Frankie but didn't
really think it wise to split up with his girlfriend of three years on a
limb. Very much unlike you and me, Frankie is very a typical of the Rules
Girl. She went for David, bared her soul, and tried to convince him that
he will only be happy with her. She then gave him the other great line in
the movie to make him leave his girlfriend for her.
"Anything less than mad, passionate love is a waste of my time."
In the end, David left his girlfriend for Frankie and they lived happily
ever after. Wow!!!
Many times, in my not too colorful past, I almost gave in to the urge to
tell the boy I liked what I felt for him. In all those times, I opted
otherwise for fear of my mother's wrath and, of course, embarrassment in
case of rejection. I am scared of losing my precious dignity and pride in
case he tells me that he only sees me as a friend. I'm sure you got through
these exercises in your psyche too. Sometimes, our hearts win out over our
brains when our certainty over the outcome is great. I try to espouse The
Rules and very rarely make the first move. More often than not, I wait for
the guy to call. Now you know that I'm one of those who walk the avenues of
life on a sidewalk -- never off it.
Now, I'm starting to believe otherwise. I see the beauty in sharing your
feelings with the one you love - not because you expect something in return
but because life cannot be lived otherwise. It is a great, big step for an
otherwise conservative, 'torpe' girl like you and me but if you think about
it, it's the only way to go.
Richard Paul Evans' bestseller after The Christmas Box -- The Locket --
tells us the story of a woman who fell in love with a soldier when they
were both very young. They shared their feelings with each other and were
very happy. Eventually, he went off to war and she married somebody else,
thinking he wouldn't return to her. Years passed and they lived their
separate lives -- he married and had a family while the woman's husband and
son eventually succumbed to illnesses and died. She decided to wait for her
soldier's wife to die before she came back to him -- because she didn't
think it was right to complicate his life. The wait took more than sixty
years until she eventually found the announcement of his wife's death in
the obituary. By this time, the woman was already 80 and could barely walk.
Sadly, by the time she managed to find her soldier to tell him she loved
him, he was already senile. The woman eventually died a few days after
seeing her soldier and perhaps going through the most heart-wrenching
experience in her life. She was too late.
The morals of the stories I have mentioned above are similar and almost
connected to each other. Perhaps another book theme that we can tie into
these is that line from The Bridges of Madison County -- "This kind of
certainty comes but once in a lifetime."
I am of the belief that each person is given the chance to find his one
true love as he goes about his life. Sometimes, the opportunity is not too
obvious, especially for those who are content with their situation and
therefore are not seeking "greener pastures." These times, the chance is
often passed up. The luckier ones are those who are probably more
clear-minded and in touch with their emotions because they can easily
recognize what is staring them in the face. Whether this chance is passed
up or not, I know that the feeling one gets when this chance is still
within reach is one of certainty. Yes, it is also accompanied with feelings
of danger, of risk, and of possible pain but compensating for this is that
inexplicable "sureness," that sense of profound happiness that has never
been derived anywhere else but from that one person who just happened to
pass by in your tidy little life.
I've written in this space an article on The Rules and the benefits that
can be reaped from patterning one's life after its teachings. I've been
successful in convincing the people around me to use The Rules to their
advantage. I know of some women who swear by The Rules because they married
their man. Now I'm saying that there should be an escape clause somewhere
for your own good. Follow The Rules in your daily life but have the wisdom
and the humility to recognize a gift from the heavens when it is given to
you. I call true love a gift because of its rarity. It does not happen
everyday. If you pass it up the first time, try not to be too arrogant to
look away when it comes by the second time.
You may ask me "how will I know if this is my true love?" My answer to that
is this: true love is that strong, awesome feeling that scares the hell out
of you but always makes you unbearably happy. It doesn't go away, no matter
how much you will it to. More than anything else, you'll know in your heart
when you meet him that he is the one. He doesn't become the one the same
way that soul mates do not become soul mates later in life. With him, you
are damn certain that you are not settling. With him, you know that you
will be sixty years old and never wondering about the one that got away
because he never did. He's right there holding your hand.
don't compromise yourself, you're the only one you've got.