SPOILER ALERT BEWARE
So, rather than starting on my intrinsic groggy as I was this morning, I decided to defeat a boss or two in Eternal Sonata to wake me up. I did not realize I was ten minutes from beating the damn game.
Why would I not realize this, I asked myself. Because, Jones, someone of great merit and intelligence began writing the script for Eternal Sonata but somewhere around the moment where pirates enter the plot, that man or woman must have died and was replaced by a crack team of disney fucking rejects who not only completely muddled the established storyline but succeeded in dumbing down every character of worth so that their final moment was laughable horse shit.
In the beginning their was a beautiful and multifacited plot with a sick and good natured little girl on a journey to conquer the evil in the world. P.S. Composer Fredric Chopin is joining the fun via dreamspeak so that we can argue with ourselves the tried but true "How can we tell what's reality and what's a dream" topic. Oh by the way, war is looming in the distance. That's exciting, don't forget. Oh, and conspiracy. One of the nations preparing for war is destroying the environment and manipulating it's citizens. That's cool too. I'm still a happy gamer. Hey look! A rebel group is attempting to overthrow the evil government that is slowly hurting it's people. Let's rally behind them. Eternal Sonata I am still with you. Oh gosh! The rebel leader's lover is a SPY!? Oh no, she's been killed by the enemy in order to protect her identity. Jazz grieves... but not really. Exeunt Falsetto, who appears more upset about Claves' death more than her boyfriend. All of this I was ready to accept.
Then the "ImaginEARS" take over. So the group has been split in two and half of them are helping the rebel forces decide what the fuck to do next. Meanwhile Polka and Chopin are on a pretty ship having a pretty conversation about how our dead friends and family live on in our hearts. Gag me.
Oh NO! Pirates. Finally something exciting. By the way, the pirates can rape and kill Polka in two hits. Have fun. Pirates are defeated and we get... treasure? Anyway not important because we're in Baroque now! A happy Christmas town with a blonde, Orlando Bloom prince and his pigtail ten year old fiance. What are we going to do about the war? You remember... that war that is looming in the distance. Lets... have a concert. Chopin, how convenient, you play piano don't you. Okay, concert's over. What are we going to do about the war? Ummm... why don't we think about it in that temple in the woods. What? It's locked? YAY! Scavenger hunt! okay we beat the temple. Now can we please decide what we're going to do about those BASTARDS in Forte who are murdering their people and hiding weapons of mass destruction... er... I mean monsters in preparation for a nasty war! Um... me and my fiance have decided that doing nothing is the best decision. Yes, we will do nothing at all. We can't fight Frote because then we would be starting a war. But if we don't stop Forte its power will be so great that we will surely be defeated later. Oh well. Wait, what's this? The prince's fiance is a SPY!? That seems familiar... nah. I know, lets just have the prince and his fiance, in their infinite wisdom sacrifice themselves to count waltz as a form of peace treaty, even though Baroque would be thrown into chaos without it's leader and would surely be ransacked by the poised and waiting forces of Forte. Wait... that's not a good idea. Somebody stop them.
One mountain Later...
Yay! we finally caught up to you. Oh no! The evil leader of Forte, Count Waltz is here.
Party: Please don't hurt the prince and seranade.
Waltz: Fuck the prince and serenade, I want the little girl because she makes things glow and that's significant to this dying storyline.
Party: You'll never take Polka!
Ooops. Count waltz is dead... and we still have twenty hours of a game left. What are we going to do now... I mean. There's probably not going to be a war anymore... I guess. Wait, what's that guy doing over there? Gasp! he's transformed into a giant monster and ripped a hole in space and time to escape, even though he could have masacred us right here and now. Lets follow him.
Look, the world of the dead is on the other side of that portal. Gee, I think our monster man ran into that tower for personal enlightenment. Can we go too?
Elder: You need the key from the top of the other, less important tower over there.
Party: Okay
Elder: But you can't go in there without my permission
Party: oh... sooo..
Elder: You have my permission.
Party: Do we need anything, you know... like a key or an official paper or...
Elder: Nah, just tell the guy at the door I said you can go in.
Guard: No one is permitted in this completely insignificant tower!
Party: but the elder gave us his permission
Guard: Oh well in that case...
Yay! Now we can go into that other tower where the monster man is hiding. Look a boss (insert failed attempt at philosophical thinking)
Look another boss (insert failed attempt at philosophical thinking)
I think there's a third boss over here (insert failed attempt at philosophical thinking)
A fourth boss, wow! (Insert failed attempt at philosophical thinking)
This should have been my clue that the end was near. But what about the interesting story line back in the real world. Wait... count waltz is dead... that's right. Okay, so something in here is going to tie back into that right? Like... maybe some evil god was using Waltz as a puppet to destroy... stuff. YIKES! There's monster man.
Will you just fucking die already. you're not going to kill me. No... stop using regenerate. Just die. Yeesh! It's about time. Hey, where is Chopin going.
Chopin: I am pissed after having four completely useless conversations in that boss tower. I'm going to end this game right now!
Party: But Chopin. You're our friend.
Chopin: Shut up! and taste the moves that I didn't have when I was a playable character while I act out my frustrations with this terrible plot!
Hack and slash.. Chopin's dead.
Polka: Oh I get it. Suicide is the answer. I'll kill myself too.
Allegretto: WTF!
Roll credits...
The next fifteen minutes is a laughable public service anouncement where the characters shatter the fourth wall speaking directly to the gamer. This is where the game designers have a chance to tell us, the consumers, how much this fucking world sucks and that we should change it. Right. Thanks.
Hold on... more cinema. Okay. Maybe, if I hold on for these next twenty minutes they'll make it all make sense to me. Okay... Polka's a ghost baby... alright... Oh, okay they're repeating the opening cinema... so Polka's caught in a cycle like Neo on the Matrix. I ... kinda see that. Wait... Chopin... Fredrick Chopin is thaty you? Yes, you're delivering a sappy speech that I don't give a damn about. Now you're calling Polka back... I, I don't understand. Polka's mom, do something.
Polka's Mom: You're hearing voices in your head? Oh, you must be in love. Have fun kiddo.
What? But she's just a baby. Oh, never mind, the little glowing fuckers turned her back into fourteen your old Polka. Because that's a mature age.
And we're back in the netherworld with Chopin and the gang. WAIT.. Chopin you're supossed to be dead.
Chopin: Naw. I decided to die in the real world to become a part of this one.
Oh. okay. Hey look Polka's back. Now she and Allegretto can make out.
The End.
I hope to God, that FFXII makes more sense than that. It's a shame too. Eternal Sonata had such potential. I still claim that its better than Blue Dragon.