Enough

Feb 08, 2012 12:20

That word: Enough, it does not mean what you think it means...

I'm not sure what it is about that word that is so confusing to me.  For most of my life I've interpreted it as a negative thing.  When used, it was always more pessimistic.  As in "just barely enough"...It was like rolling your eyes, shrugging and saying "Yeah I guess it's ok". To me, enough = settling.  I mean even the definition of it is just blah:  sufficient, adequate.  All of those words just scream mediocrity to me.  If we stop at enough, then how would we ever achieve greatness? Why 'settle' for adequate, sufficient, or enough when you could have superb, extraordinary, my cup overflows?

A couple months back I told my husband I wanted a divorce.  I'm not in love with him anymore, honestly I'm not sure that I ever was. Sure, I love him; always have, always will...but I'm not in love. I promised him honesty and I gave that to him...and it shattered his fucking world.  There are things I need in my life that I had pushed onto a back burner, I tried to convince myself that I didn't really need them.  Then there was a whole fucking slew of things that I convinced myself that he needed and wasn't getting.  I'm such a schmuck.

We spent weeks doing nothing but talking, talking, talking and more talking.  And I don't mean the superficial "how was your day" kind of bullshit.  I mean, no holds barred, complete honesty, airing of all the dirty laundry type of talking.  The kind of talking that you can only take a couple hours of at a time because the fucking rawness of it hurts so much you just can't fucking cope with anymore. The pain and freedom of those conversations is truly beyond words.

Secrets were now out in the open, and misunderstandings cleared up.  Misconceptions corrected.  Not so surprisingly, we both discovered that we are both fucking idiots.  So much of everything could have been prevented or solved with just a little more honesty and by not making assumptions about the other person(s) involved.

But the real breaking point was when he said 3 little words.  Not I love you, not I need you, not please don't go. He looked at me, completely exasperated with me, pleading to me with his eyes and simply said "You are Enough". And it completely shattered my fucking world.  I fucking lost it; sobbing hysterically, shaking uncontrollably, punching him, cussing, kicking, collapsing to the floor...it was not a pretty site.

He loves so deeply and completely and gives so much of himself.  I put the notion in my own head that in order to make him happy, in order to be the person I arbitrarily decided he 'deserved' that I had to love the same way he loves, I had to reciprocate everything he did for me in a similar fashion; and, I am that not that kind of person.  And until that very moment, I had no idea that the person I am, the way I love, is Enough.... *sigh*  I mean, here I am bitching about how enough = settling. Enough is negative, enough is mediocre....and I didn't think I was even up to that standard.  But the way he said it elevated Enough beyond adequate and sufficient and settling.  His Enough became everything. It is superb, beyond all expectations; his Enough just became something to strive for instead of being the minimum.

Instead of the eye-roll, shoulder-shrug, settling for just barely enough, it became the soft satisfied sigh, rubbing a full belly, laughing Enough!

So, we are still taking things one day a time.  We are still being completely honest and open; and boy has it opened some doors.  Funny how we hid the same things from each other for years when we could have been sharing them together all that time.  This time around there are no promises other than honesty. There is no faking it. There is still a little jumping to conclssions and placing assumptions on the other party, but we are working on that as well.

It's amazing how a person perceives one little word can change so much. For the first time in as long as I can clearly remember, I am happy.  Not just the fleeting little moments of happiness; not just content....I am happy. And instead of dreading what the future may bring, I'm excited for it.

happiness, relationship, thanks, brain dump, hope, stupid, family, update, marriage, fears, all about me dammit, my man

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